All I crave is love.

But my biggest fear is love.

Maybe my expectations on love are too high, but all love has ever delivered to me is pain and lies.

I dream about love, and admire people in love. But the thought of someone loving me makes my skin crawl, because there must be something terribly wrong with someone to love me at all.

I just don’t think I can be loved.

Im damaged but not in a fixable way, I’ve been told it’s a personality trait that will never go away. So anyone would be a fool to try and keep a flower alive growing out of a cracked wall.

But love is all I crave.

I want someone to see the insides of me, when I say insides I mean every hidden thought. Every ****** expression every trauma I have fought.

I want someone to understand my heartlessness and chip away concrete that covers all the soft parts of my heart. But again there must be something terribly wrong with somebody to ever work that hard.

On someone like me.


I also don’t like someone that’s overly keen because in my experience they always indefinitely turn out mean.

So where does this leave me?

Endlessly desiring something I will never simply accept. An abyss that eventually leaves to never ending torment.

I WANT LOVE.

I want to love.
And I want to be loved.

But sadly I think my heart craves too much.

The people who were meant to show it to me first, were already hurt.

So not accepting  love is all I have learnt.

But all I want is love.

Why does he like my body? Because this is just a shell of a place that feels like hell, my soul is screaming for somebody tell.

He would rather compliment my looks instead of reading me like a book, go home and tell his friends that my body is something they should be proud of.

But he doesn’t notice that my thoughts are so loud, never tells me that he’s proud.

My body is so different from this shell I so happen to live in. My opinions aren’t worthy because of this snake skin that portrays me.

This world is feeling more hazy, sometimes I wish I was a new born baby wrapped  up in my mothers love, away from a mans touch.

My skin is not my voice. It’s nothing more than something I want to avoid.

My body does not define me, because she is inside me.

He creeps into my thoughts
winding his way in,
keeping me wide awake while my brain goes insane
It's thinking of all the ways to make him go away
but this torture is so comforting
my lord, he's so lovely
how on earth can something so beautiful come out of such a catastrophe yet he wanders unknowingly to the thoughts inside my brain, he's my secret nirvana who keeps me wide awake.

Can you be my comfort
my sadness in my slumber
the dream that made me wide awake
The heart in my ache
the trail to my faith
the longing to feel okay