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2d · 24
Avoided this
Janna B 2d
I realise I’ve avoided this outlet,
this relief from ink and words
because my message isn’t bright enough,
clear enough.
Shiny and polished? Not enough.
‘Not loveable when you’re needy…’ worries the inner me.
Yet here, in this space of all things shared,
there’s no need to pretend.
No fawn response needed here
where it’s the honesty,
the brutal honesty,
that heals.
So, here I am again.
Stuff it.
Jul 2023 · 81
Backbone
Janna B Jul 2023
I feel my strength unfold;
it holds my backbone
straighter,
straightened.

The blustery
wind of emotion
whips back my head and heart.
Anticipated jolt—
and stop.

But start again
slowly brewing
circling this issue
with thorny, prickly needles
persisting in their bite.

My spine is still straight though.
Heart may be sore,
but that strength—
still there, still here.
Jun 2023 · 85
Racing
Janna B Jun 2023
My little ones
racing through childhood
at a speed that feels breakneck.
I love your singing games,
piercing recorder at breakfast,
letters to Santa in July.
Your violins, tickle fests,
colourful plastic and tiny drawings.
Room service dessert,
toys instead of shoes.
Your hugs, your love.
Gappy teeth, smooth hair.
That you always pull scissors first —
never rock or paper.
Learning, learning, learning.
That we can find play—
with deep belly laughing
for the three of us,
across our ages.
Jun 2023 · 77
Untitled
Janna B Jun 2023
Losing my pallor
my joie de vivre
around us.
Feels like a slow leaching
and a looking at the bones
and we’re trying to add
flesh to them
May 2023 · 146
Team work
Janna B May 2023
If we look at our strengths,
and work on them,
and amplify them,
then we’ll find
we’re an amazing team.
Apr 2023 · 87
Survivor
Janna B Apr 2023
I’m a survivor
I just didn’t originally realise
that I was in a war.
So I didn’t recognise my bullet wounds.
Until now.

When I feel echoes
of the theatre of war
it triggers
all the trauma
and those hidden wounds
bleed again.

So I work on survival
A proper job at healing
and strengthening.
Mar 2023 · 102
Don’t forget
Janna B Mar 2023
For when I forget
and get drawn into pity,
responsibility,
unnecessary accountability.
Again.
He’s narcissistic,
he will take and take
and never be healed.
Don’t forget.

At heart,
it suits him this way.
If he’s not better, then
all attention is on him.
I did enough
I did so much.
Don’t forget.

These trauma responses
that are still arising,
this hyper vigilant stress
at home
when the kids get excited
(don’t get too noisy!)
are the scars.
It was abusive.
No guilt, no more.

Don’t forget.
Feb 2023 · 89
Dreams
Janna B Feb 2023
Tell me your dreams,
float them up high.
I’ll help to propel you
up into that sky.
Feb 2023 · 77
Purposeful
Janna B Feb 2023
Purposeful
choices for my time.
Purposeful
choices with my thoughts.
Purposeful
goals for my life.
Let’s herd those
stray, scattergun thoughts
on purpose.
Janna B Feb 2023
When the abuse doesn’t look like it
then it can’t be recognised
and it parades around
in broad daylight,
in pyjamas with spots instead of stripes,
but no-one is alarmed.
When the abuse doesn’t look like it
the victim goes under
piece by piece
but it is quiet, and she feels so much empathy
and she doesn’t recognise
that she’s taken over.

When those spots look like illness
the abuse is asking for pity
and all of her effort and soul,
with nothing in return
because it doesn’t feel well.
Before she knows it,
she’s adjusted herself,
to manage behaviour, anger and the ‘illness’.

When the abuse doesn’t look like it,
it can be quiet, insidious control and
a gradual, unrecognised ceding of power.
Better not rock the boat,
there’ll be a wall of silence to dance around
for days.
It feels like responsibility, entrapment
but in just having those feelings
she feels so disloyal.

When the abuse is gone
then it takes a long time
to wake up from the stupor
and look with fresh eyes.
To change behaviours,
expect more from the new.

That was a quiet,
sticky,
suffocating,
trap.
Just some reflections, I’ve been coming a long way and this is so therapeutic. Not bitter, just can’t believe I was in that and I didn’t even realise. Thanks for reading.
Aug 2022 · 188
New concept
Janna B Aug 2022
Play with forgiveness
Consider it indeed.
Allow it, enable it
and, dear self,
be freed.
Aug 2022 · 96
Scaffold
Janna B Aug 2022
You’re emotion-deep,
fatigued,
and another rock
has smashed your way.
You were unfurling
those tendrils of hope
and now—
back in the trenches,
those hospital, chemical,
procedural, trenches.
Back to that holding pattern
when you want to grab life
and shake it,
and adventure it
and laugh with it.
May we be your
uplift, your cloud, your support.
Magnifying your strength,
scaffolding where needed,
helping you lift
to the sunshine, to your future.
#friends #illness
Jul 2022 · 287
Not settled near you
Janna B Jul 2022
Not settled near you lately
Mild humming anxiety
Discomfort inside of me,
fearful of your gravity.
Jul 2022 · 72
Afloat
Janna B Jul 2022
I’m flowing into this
new happy,
so our baggage is
unnecessary.
It’s there of course,
but it’s history.
Be there for them,
not for me.
Don’t pull me down
suffocatingly.
I stay afloat
away from you.
Navigating shared care..
Janna B Jul 2022
Snippets of happiness
Full rose heads,
chicken sounds and tickles
grins and giggles
on the trampoline.
Playing shops with you,
cuddling close,
cooking food with heart.
Breathing new life
into me.
Jul 2022 · 65
Kernel
Janna B Jul 2022
Kernel of
emotional truth.
You’re very
inconvenient.
Apr 2022 · 241
Untitled
Janna B Apr 2022
Hey you
Why are you losing that employment
Argumentative and driving
People away

Hey me
Why am I taking to heart
That I cared
And I was human
And so fallible

Keep learning, keep positive
Keep the belief
and the soul.
Apr 2022 · 650
Blunt love
Janna B Apr 2022
If that was a blast of love
I’d hate to see your hate.

Your blunt, forceful love
comes from fear,
rains in blows,
and leaves me -
smaller, sadder,
reactive—
reeling for equilibrium.
Just my mum, weighing in due to concerns.
Mar 2022 · 75
Lifeblood
Janna B Mar 2022
Trust in you
Trust in me
Trust in we
feels more
achievable today,
accessible today,
unforced.
A gentle welling
in my empty torso.
This one that felt cavernous,
echoing, hollow.
Missing
that vital lifeblood,
this swelling of emotion.
Oct 2021 · 66
Pieces
Janna B Oct 2021
Did you know
you go right to the heart of me
when you see, and accept me,
completely?

My trust was so broken,
you’re examining those pieces
and helping me
put them (carefully)
back together.
Oct 2021 · 70
Television
Janna B Oct 2021
Turn it off—
the tv.
That noise,
that mindlessness.
It has no place for me,
and I have no place for it,
not anymore.
It reminds me
of endless, empty nights
at opposite ends of the sofa
Now, when I try
I have no patience,
no interest
in those bright, empty lights.
Let me write poetry instead.
Oct 2021 · 137
Steadfast
Janna B Oct 2021
I panic, stay..
panic, stay.
Panic, talk about it—
and slowly see the trust rising.
Panic—question.
Waver; and discuss.
I appreciate you
for being steadfast.
This behaviour
is because of a wound,
a recently recognised wound,
that stole my trust
and it takes time
to take it back.
Oct 2021 · 90
What’s it all about?
Janna B Oct 2021
Is it all about the money
The petty money
The meaningful money
The symbolic money, money, money?

The symbol of care
The power
The asking
The giving
Withholding.

The emotions swell.
Bring them down,
get perspective,
breathe.

Actually, it’s all about the
children, children, children.
Just better to vent frustration here than anywhere else .. maintaining the peace can be incredibly challenging but is the most important thing.
#childsupport
Sep 2021 · 79
Hearing the meaning
Janna B Sep 2021
Explaining the feeling
is a task;
hearing the meaning
is a gift.
Sep 2021 · 66
Sleep on it
Janna B Sep 2021
This feels like
going to sleep on an argument
because you’re too tired.
I’m tired too, but
the promise was
to never, ever do that.
Sep 2021 · 67
Wanting
Janna B Sep 2021
I love that you always want me,
it eases a sore that is deep.
Should it be this way -
is it healthy?
Reassured desirability.
Or am hiding from healing the grief.
Aug 2021 · 407
Emotional highjackery
Janna B Aug 2021
Let me be free
from your emotional
highjackery.

From your
manipulation
of my life's situation.

Playing hostage --
is the price of your stability
the loss of my positivity?

This is a game of
important odds.
Our girls are not the prize
but the precious treasure
to protect.

Get yourself together
there can be no losers.
Just some thoughts again. My ex, struggling hard with his mental health and it impacts upon our girls. I believe  he's struggling because I'm in a new and positive relationship. After 10 years of living with it every day, I need to be away from his depression , for my survival and to be a support for our girls. I just worry so much about the impact his health has on our children.
Aug 2021 · 1.0k
The cause
Janna B Aug 2021
What is this stress
making my belly churn
my skin’s itchiness,
my pulse race?

Could it be from
the financial separation,
kids, career,
general obligation?

New starter to train,
bookweek costume,
book balancing,
bithday cake?

Oh wait, I see—
I can do these things,
all of these things,
with a smile and a grin.

It’s you, ex man (child) of mine
looking lost
that unravels me
too easily.
Just that worry about what he could do if he gets bad again. Thank God for his mental health support.
Aug 2021 · 52
Thank you
Janna B Aug 2021
Thank you
for cooking me dinner,
for sending me home with lunch for tomorrow.
For showing your love
that way.

Thank you
for the unfailing positivity;
positive reinforcement
of all of my progress —
my determined, honest progress,
in its mottled glory.

Thank you for the listening ear,
warm arms, big heart.
For takeout runs and chocolate.
For showing love and care
in all the ways.
Aug 2021 · 56
Undone
Janna B Aug 2021
So, we signed on the line,
undid ourselves
a little more.

Each page autographed
in the matching spaces
we don’t share anymore.

The burst of sadness
came unexpectedly,
I’d been expecting this day after all.

Of course it makes sense
to grieve history’s dust
and that we succumbed to the fall.
Financial separation today, a solid step forward.
Aug 2021 · 165
Mother and woman
Janna B Aug 2021
When you saw me
in the whole of my world,
as mother, daughter,
I felt deeply vulnerable.

When I became a mother,
a role that I cherish,
my husband got me mixed up with his own,
never touched,
emotionally vacated.

The thing is -
I’m also a woman.
A live, vibrant, loving woman.
A tactile, ready to laugh,
always trying, independent, woman.
And you see me.
What a relief.
Aug 2021 · 53
Meetings
Janna B Aug 2021
You’re connecting with my children
oh what a lovely sight.
Laughing together,
holding hands,
cooking, being.
It both warms and breaks
my heart.

Warm for the care and instant rapport;
the light in your eyes - you’re in love again.
Sad that they’re hungry for it;
clamouring for it;
and that it didn’t happen
in the family unit.
Just expressing the conflicting emotions that can come with moving on.
Aug 2021 · 88
More
Janna B Aug 2021
Is there more to lose
or more to win
now that the feelings
are deepening?

New insecurity
negates surety.
Must take time to find
that light in me.
Jul 2021 · 239
My heart
Janna B Jul 2021
If my heart is an *****
that can be comparmentalised,
then the part for my children
is vibrant, lush, pulsing with life.

The part for adult love
was cracked, parched, a desert
that felt deserted,
and stumbled to its limit.

It feels like that part
is slowly rehydrating
but there’s such a lot to refill.
Jul 2021 · 850
Disproportional
Janna B Jul 2021
Why is it that
your happiness
seems inversely proportional
to mine?

Why is it that
your happiness
seems, perversely, disproportional
to mine?

But when we were together,
your lack of happiness
consumed all of mine.
I think my daughter told my ex that they’ll meet my new friend. He looked like a wreck when I saw him, and it makes me feel so many things.
Jul 2021 · 67
Horizon
Janna B Jul 2021
Little steps at life,
in the right direction.
Thinking about big pictures,
thinking further than this day.

Little steps at living,
joy in smallest corners.
Opening up my vista,
broad horizon to explore.
Jul 2021 · 225
Flight
Janna B Jul 2021
I could run away
from the words you might say.
Triggering me into flight
if they’re not phrased
quite right.

Here’s my trauma
bubbling up.
Here’s this new instinct —
now that we’re close up.

I see my fear
and vulnerability.
I also see strength here
keeping life steady.

So the next step
is to talk it through with you.
Listen to both sides
see what good that can do.

Listen to instinct
and listen to truth
Listen to heart song
rather than be aloof.
Jun 2021 · 69
Life’s an oyster
Janna B Jun 2021
Little baby on a hill,
beautiful and so new still.
What will you be when you grow up?
This world’s your oyster,
this life’s your oyster.
Oh wait - it is for me too :)
Jun 2021 · 488
Try for you
Janna B Jun 2021
My tears leak out today
The girls are they okay?
Beautiful little eyes and souls
Oh-my-loves I tried for you.
I try for you.

Behind the scenes,
you’ll know when you’re bigger
This dad of your dreams?
He’s new and designer.
He tries for you..
now.
Jun 2021 · 153
Intuition
Janna B Jun 2021
Intuition,
what’s it for?
Pay attention,
it needs more.
May 2021 · 1.3k
Happy non-anniversary
Janna B May 2021
Happy non-anniversary to you.
I marked it emotionally
but I forgot what the day was.
I marked it by
processing, tracking my progress;
taking a very rare breath to reflect.
I recognised the barriers still left,
looked at ways to overcome them.
You meant so much once,
and now I forget.
Happy non-anniversary
to me.
May 2021 · 66
Staying where it's warm
Janna B May 2021
I couldn't live in that
suffocating, silent marriage
for so long,
without being damaged.
It's the wall that I bang up against
the wall of blankness, absent feeling.
I have days of wonder and beauty
but then
the feeling of sadness creeps in to stay.
How do I overcome, rise above it?
How do I stay over the wall,
instead of living in its shadow?
How can I connect and be alive
real, living, positive?
I want to keep seeing the sunshine
and I long for that.
What work do I need to do
to stay where it's warm?
24 May 21.
May 2021 · 91
Spinning
Janna B May 2021
Spinning, all of the things.
Parental almost-separation, co-habitation.
Salvation?
Siblings and psychiatric hospitals.
Long, warm embraces with you.
Financial disentangling from him.
Baking, trampolines, mandarines
with my little loves.
Weekends snatched with you
tangled in sheets,
tangled in deep
conversation.
And an understanding -
that I'm reeling--
overload of feeling.
Sometimes there are just so many things to process..
May 2021 · 78
Clean enough?
Janna B May 2021
How deep is this love,
how mature will it become?
Will it flash in the pan,
decisions made rashly,
lives upended?
Or will it burn,
stoked by the twin flames
of friendship and desire?
I’m pulled slowly,
bitten nails clawing,
into the feelings of
buoyancy, trust,
positivity, possibility.
Are my nails clean enough?
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