I roll out of bed
And my bones all crack
A throbbing head
And quite a sore back
Ah yes, they say
“Age is gold.”
But from what I see these days,
It’s hard getting old.

The seasons change
And so do we
Parts of us fall off
Like the autumn leaves
Rather than saying “I hate the rain”
Or “I don’t prefer the sun.”
Find joy in them all
Rejoice in every single one

He used to bring her flowers
When her youth was in full bloom
She was ravished with fragrant colors
In her dewy faced afternoon
He used to bring her flowers
But as rose-petal girlhood began to atrophy
The flowers stopped arriving
The flowers vanished and so did he

I whisper vows into my palm
And touch your face with solemn promises.
I will never let you go.
Through a thousand tempests swell,
Or we are cast into fires meant to destroy,
No distance, or time, no dimensional constructs will make my hand slip from yours.
Darling, know this.
No matter what happens

I will
NEVER
Let
You go

I never loved you
I worshiped the monument
I built of you in my heart
But it wasn’t you
A statue of a man isn’t the man himself
But a chunk of rock, steeped in myth and fantasy
And now I’m tearing the idol down

I’m scared of my mind
Scared of spiraling depravity
The way I ache isn’t normal
Scared of dark capability
The monster most terrifying
Is the monster that’s me

In a room full of men
Of brawny size
Winning smiles
And confident eyes

If they all had wit
And clever charm
Were gentlemen
Who’d offer a girl their arm

And if they were all
Impeccably dressed
Suits and ties
Their formal best

Intelligent
With a high IQ
In a room full of men like that
I’d still look for you

She’s got a face like a renaissance painting
The voice of an angel
And the demeanor of royalty
And she will haunt your every step
For the rest of your life

You pulled me closer
And I saw my tiny reflection
Inside the deep pools of your eyes
I saw myself in you
I was afraid
Because I’ve never
Gotten close enough to someone
To see glimpses of who I am
Inside of them

There’s a sudden chill in the air
The darkness looms, heavy
My skin tingles in fear
My forehead spikes in perspiration
The ghost hovers in my corner
My past is here to haunt me

Beautifully obsessed
Dancing on the fine line
Between visionary and delusional
Insanity and ingenious

I yearned for a garden
So I purchased a field
Planted seeds with hope
And anticipated the yield
My garden grew
Rich and green
An opulent crop
Surpassing what I dreamed
My garden was so fruitful
I had so much to spare
So I gave and I gave and I gave
I gave until nothing was there
I gave so much, I had to borrow
From another’s crop
So I could maintain the giving
And filling up others cups

But the harvest dried
All I had was gone
And those I’d given to
Had all withdrawn
Winter arrived
I considered the sum
I had thrown feasts
And received only crumbs
I had moved mountains
Spending more than I had to spend
I did this for love
I did this for love of my friends
But in giving I forgot the Giver
He who gave first to me
He Who laid down His life for His friends
The Shepherd who sacrificed Himself for the sheep
He who gave the field
He who made it grow
He who brought the rain
And multiplied what I’d sown
I did it wrong, pouring out to these who consume, but don’t stay
Now only for Him, the Giver of givers
He has given me more than I could ever repay

Saintliness
Bought at a fee
Unconditional
Love Xs three
So blind eyes
May finally see
Held him there upon that cursed tree
There was a penalty to pay for you and me
For our willful wayward wandering and
Our depravity  
He came to set
The captive free
heal the broken
Calm the sea
Release us from
Our treachery
To show us all
That we can be
When His holy feet
Touched history

I cried when it was over
It was both a cry of regret
And a cry of relief...
After years of feeling nothing
It felt good to feel anything again
Even if it was pain
It was the happiest pain I’ve ever known

He abused himself
So of course he could abuse me

All I ever wanted to do is love you,
You weren’t ready
You obviously weren’t ready to be loved like I loved you.

I know I can’t have you

I know we can’t do this

But playing reruns of our “might be’s”

Is simultaneously the most euphoric past time

As well as the most self-mutilating

Kiss me and paint my curves with your hands
The way a musician would caress his guitars strings with intention and passion
Play me, my love.
Whisper every desire into my ear

Make me sing

They were the counterbalance
The weight that held the other steady
He was born in depravity
And lived a depraved life
He longed for goodness...
She was born in privledge
And lived accordingly.
She was curious about darkness...
They met and satisfied each others greatest longings
A desperate ebb and flow that kept them in rhythem
They were opposed, but equal
They were in love

Life wields it’s pen
To jot down my chapters
I’m so enthralled in this love story
It’s chosen for me
But then, my heart sinks
For every great, renowned love story
Tends to end in a great tragedy

I don’t know where I fell out of love.
I don’t know if I ever fell into it, fully.
I don’t know if I was just comfortable.
I don’t know if it’s just that I knew I’d be taken care of.
I don’t know if I cheated myself out of true love.
Or if this IS true love...
I don’t know how I can be so blithe about it all.
After all the bitterness that has built up and sunk into my heart towards you.
I don’t know when I fell out of love.
Or if I am in love.
Or if I ever was.
Or if I am in indifference veiled with a coat of emotional dependency.
I don’t know if this is love.
I don’t know.

Behind the veil of gauzy show
Gaze into the eyes that house the soul
Behind the masks we all wear
Inside the pain we all bear
There is a common thread
Woven through us all
Behind our facades
And our socially acceptable wall
We are all in need of something
Something greater than us
We all have holes
That need to be filled up
We all share wounded innocence
Behind our outward features
So be kind always
To your fellow broken creatures

You’ve walked with me,
Through the dark days
And I need your dark roast
In the deepest of ways
And your warming presence
Consistently stays

As the sun bursts through the gate
I find myself anxious
I can stand when you’re late
When I hear you’re coming
I can just hardly wait
I’m pacing and racing
I need your taste

I know, from my lips
You won’t drift very far
So Coffee, thank you
I adore all that you are

Please don’t leave me destitute
Standing here without you
Please don’t walk away
Forgive my aching plea,
I hate the smell of desperation on my skin
I despise the long fall from standing straight
To the depths of sinking to my knees before you
Heed the cry of my soul to yours
Have mercy on this yearning heart
Don’t cast me away from you

A relationship is doomed
When just staying mad at each other is easier than saying
"I'm sorry.'

Remember,
You’re the villain in someone’s story

I was a tender reed
Attempting to bloom
In the limited soil I had
With the small nutritents available to me

You were stones
Choking out every beautiful stem
Nature was creating in me
You were locusts eating away my leaves
Ripping off parts of trying to grow
I was trying to grow

I was trying to grow

Travel a road of darkness for long enough,
And your soul will cling to any thread light it finds

One can’t help but notice the staggering amount of people
Going broke,
To prove to other broke people,
That they aren’t broke.

His left arm
The arm closest to his heart
Was placed beneath my head
Supporting me
His right arm
His dominant arm
Was embracing my torso
Protecting me
I’ve never felt so satisfied
Wrapped tightly
Knotted in his warmth and strength
Nothing can hurt me
Not here
Not in this moment
Not so long as he’s around

Of course it was painful letting go,
But holding on, would’ve been a death sentence.

Forever I’ll be
Your dark romantic doubt
The one who lingers in your mind
When all the lights go out
I’ll appear in shadows
When you thought I was gone
You’ll replay every inch of me
Even if it’s wrong
You’ve moved on
Of course that’s not a sin
But I’ll haunt the deep of your soul
As you realize, you’ll never find love like mine again

I am an inhospitable, icy expanse.
A vacuum, incomprehensibly vast.
Like the universe, stretching my infinite arms,
Embracing an incalculable oblivion.
You’re an astronomer. Wildly obsessed
Drawn to my darkness and immeasurable breadths.
Chasing twinkles of starlight, there in my eyes.
Studying bits of brilliance, in my dark skies.

Tell me that out there,
In the jungle of skyscrapers,
Mangled mazes of streets
And billboard lights flashing
Blinding you with hypnotic twinkling
You’ll remember me
Tell me that while you’re on top of the world
And your pockets are filled with gold
Promenading in an expensive winter coat
And dropping coins that clang in a beggars cup
You’ll think of me
The one who loved you from the beginning

You're the only one who has looked into my eyes
And seen more than a pretty sparkle in them.
You see who I truly am inside

Some words flutter on the air
Carried by gentle breezes
But quickly dissipate like the wind

Some words root into your soul
******* up sustenance from inside you
But growing something from within you

Some words dance like fire leaping at your heart
Torching or warming. Useful. Or destructive

Some words run over you like water
Drowning or refreshing you.
Quenching and cleaning away the dirt that doesn’t belong

The stars begin
Their battalion march
With their banners raised
They ascend over the earth
Singing and twinkling
Healing yet piercing
Comforting yet penetrating
Darkness inspires once again

Take me under
Take me down
Baptize me
Beneath the ground
Where there are no others
No material or wealth
Let me die
Die to myself
For as I go under
Dripping with sin
Life will flood my being
And I shall live again
Live new
Live fresh
New life attained
Through this death

He may be a snake,
But I’m a snake charmer

He may be a rat,
Call me the pied piper

LA air
Invades every window of my car
Rolled all the way down
One hand draped free out the window
One hand firmly griping the steering wheel
My hand glides over the air
And rolls up & down, up & down
The purple mountains loom
In the distance
The sun reaches its last dying flares over the peachy plum sky
And bids goodnight to this side of the earth
I turn the refrain of Free Bird all the way up
As high as my volume will go
Step on the gas as hard as I can
And drive into the rising California stars

I would’ve cut open my chest if he needed a heart
Wrote sonnets with my tears
Harnessed the thunder just to impress him
Bathed in starlight to entice him
Tread through shadows to get to him
Died to prove to him
I love him
But I realized I was burying myself alive
For a boy, who wouldn’t even visit my grave

I don’t desire
To be any mans “queen”
Keep that heavy crown
Far away from me
I don’t want to be
Some guys “princess”
If anything, I’m more like  
The village sorceress

I want to run away to Italy
Live with you by the sea
We could spend all our days
Twisting up spaghetti Bolognese
Pack our bags don’t tell a soul
Leave our problems and some notes
“Sorry, but we had to go”
Turn into a couple ghosts
I want to snuggle up on the warm sandy beach
I’ll feed you grapes and kiss your cheeks
Get tangled in steamy sheets
I want to run away to Italy
Live with you by the sea
Live a long life with you, happily

She smears on her reddest lipstick
Pulls on her heaviest coat
Stuffs her hands in her leather gloves
Mounts her Vespa
Rides away into the stars
And never looks back

Sometimes the expectation of the storm
Is worse than the actual storm