It’s Friday, and tonight
I’m gonna sparkle
More than my champagne

I am always curious how each person I encounter reads me
Perhaps I am a haunting mystery
Or a heart wrenching tragedy
Or a twisted comedy
Either way I hope they enjoy me
With a good cup of coffee
And a lingering “hmm.”

Jasmine oil ran thick and yellow
Down her wrist
She dabbed it on her neck
And it flowed like honey
And smelled like summer
She adorned her fingers in rings
And tied her hair
In extravagant clips
And combs
Her youth radiant
Her pride swelled
Her rich black hair cascading

Then...

She felt the years slip through her fingers like sand in an hour glass
Wasted sand
Wasted time

She spent her youth
Spent her beauty
Spent her health
And stood withered before her mirror
The reflection was strange
The image starring back, foreign
An alien,
The black dye in her hair faded
Her hair frizzled from years of tormenting it
Her face heavy from years of drinking
Her figure altered from excessive party’s and feasting

How she wished
She could turn the hourglass
But it was immovable

The lace tapestry moved ghostly  
When a wafting breeze caught it
And delicately tussled it’s sensitive fabric
The dust lying thick on mirrors
And around desks and cupboards
Telling of its immense age.
The mirrors calcified and barely reflective
Caught sight of the specters
This haunted inhabitance
Inherited by gruesome recollections
And apparitions that moan like the wind
Those who still dance in these forsaken halls
The dead who speak in these corridors

Sticky, sweet nectar
lying like fresh dew
dripping and drizzling into our soft soil, dense & nurtured
our love was good ground
where two fragile buds felt elated to bloom together

Depression
Is a handsome man
With blue skin
Wears a black suit
And a sympathetic grin
He’s deceitful
Powerful
He’s charming
And evil
And he loves me so much
At least that what he says
Wants me to get in his hearse
And run away
Wants to break me out
Of this painful
Cage
But he’s lying to me
He’s lying to you
Lying is the only thing
He knows how to do
Politely decline his offer
As good as he makes it seem
He leaves you as soon as you decide
It’s time to make yourself “just go to sleep”
That’s where he wants you
Broken, lame
“It’s everyone else’s fault”
You’re playing his game
It’s you. It’s you. It’s you.
Only YOU can save you
He’s a villain and he’s in your head
Don’t entertain him
Because he’ll laugh when you’re dead

Her feet pound
The crunchy gravel kicked underfoot
Dust rises where she trods
Her heart trying to catch up to her pace
Sharp breathes cut her lungs
And her chest starts to burn
Step, step, step
Trotting
Running her own race
Trying to impress an audience of one
It hurts so much
Yet feels so good
She will be better than she was yesterday
She will be stronger than she was yesterday
She will not just “get it done”...
She wants to be a champion
She will rise to the occasion
And be her own hero

Keep your mind,
Keep your wits about you.
Keep a sober, realistic view of things
In this world
Not everyone has your best interest in mind
Most people will save themselves
Before they will help you.
So be strong in the mind.
Be strong in your convictions
Because when everything else gets blown away
That is what will remain of you.
That is what will keep your spirit from being broken.

Two souls, convicted indeed
Two worlds apart
Yet both with an incessant need
To be heard,
To be blatantly understood
One, too black & white
One, too metaphorical for their own good
Opposites attract,
As astranged as they may seem
The preacher needs the parables
That the poet can dream
The poet needs the truth
On which they can expand
They are like two different instruments
Playing for the same band

I’m alive... somewhat
At least I was at sometime
If my life were on a numerical scale
I’d be on the negative side of the number line
Life taken, an eternal sedative
Yes, I’m alive,
But alive in the negative
The life I’ve unlived
The darkness I’ve tread
The life that was taken
That left me undead
I’m a villain darling,
But not by choice you see,
I didn’t choose the vampire life
It chose me
The red on my lips isn’t makeup
A monster, with a deceiving human eye
I know I look good, but..

I’m the bad guy

You want perfection,
But aren’t willing to put in the work
To achieve it.
You get upset and say
“You’re burning down my paradise.”
But “your paradise” is dry enough to burn
Because you haven’t watered it.
All in all
You’re a bad gardener.

Her vast history rises in flames
To lose her is such a sin
Perhaps the bells of Notre Dame
Will never ring again

Star Wars
Or
Star Trek?

April showers
Water the earths fertile womb
Spring grows inside her belly
Soon summer will emerge

I cried when it was over
It was both a cry of regret
And a cry of relief...
After years of feeling nothing
It felt good to feel anything again
Even if it was pain
It was the happiest pain I’ve ever known

She wiggles her toes into the warm sand
And breathes with the tide
The earth exhales water
And then inhales it again
In deep long intervals
The blinding white sun
Reflects off her oily skin
Drenched in sun screen
That smells like a careless summer
Her hair tussled from the breeze
Drying her salty wet hair
She smells like vanilla, coconuts and California
This is her happy place

The beautiful warrior
Arranged her hair
And painted her lips cherry red
Her battle paint
She’s ready

I sit and twiddle my fingers.
Trying to grasp for words,
That will accurately convey
My story.

For many years,
I developed dependency,
On people, parties,  pleasures
For quick, yellow bursts of dopamine.

Escape.
I own a gory past to say the least,
Some details too painful
To divulge in their fullness.

I finally faced myself.
I finally sat down with my past
And I finally stared it
In its ugly face

Radio silence, for days
Tears of the years
Spilled from my heart to my bathroom floor, for days and days.

I traced each repressed memory
Like one who cuts themselves
Would trace their scars
Internal scars are even worse sometimes...

I sat with myself
No distractions, no noise, no friends to talk to, just me, myself and our thoughts.
I screamed to the air.

I was utterly naked,
In front of my deepest pains.
Utterly exposed to the elements.
The fire lapped at my heart.

Finally, the sun rose
And spilled light into my veins
As the weight fell off
I changed my name.

“Who I was.”
Changed to
“Who I am.”

“What I’ve done.”
Changed to
“What I will become.”

“Wanderer”
Changed to
“Warrior.”

And

“Victim”
Changed to
“Victorious.”

You tried to intimidate me...
With threats so ominous and impending
But dear,
I’ve tread depths of hell,
People twice my age, haven’t glanced at.
I’ve gone to the lowest places of humanity.
Witnessed cruelty so ******,
Been hurt in ways, so mind altering.
My natural bend, is a dark one.
My default setting, is a hardend one.
So believe me when I say,
I’ve fought to become the woman I am.
I’ve fought for my life of normality.
And to have a home, husband and a cat,
Is more than what I ever thought my lot in this life would be.
These precious pieces of paradise I would give my life for in a second.
Defend to my dying breath just to keep them.
So darling believe me when I say
I’ve seen scary.
And you aren’t it.
You don’t have his smile...
And I am not intimidated by you.

Your presence started to feel
Imposing, violating almost
Too close, suffocating
Your quirks were
Irritating, no longer charming
You lost your power over me
You lost me

LA air
Invades every window of my car
Rolled all the way down
One hand draped free out the window
One hand firmly griping the steering wheel
My hand glides over the air
And rolls up & down, up & down
The purple mountains loom
In the distance
The sun reaches its last dying flares over the peachy plum sky
And bids goodnight to this side of the earth
I turn the refrain of Free Bird all the way up
As high as my volume will go
Step on the gas as hard as I can
And drive into the rising California stars

The small ship rocks
The sun beating down
Beaming off the glistening water
A thousand sun sparkles
Break across the surface, dancing.
Below,
Depth.
Who knows what monsters
Or dead mans bones may be concealed yet
Beneath this playful, Pacific surface,
Even so, I pull off my t-shirt
And dive in
There’s no bottom, not for miles down at least
But I splash and flip
Plunge under and back up again
I’ve always had a knack
For going too deeply into things
I should be afraid of.
My friends smile like angels at me
And soon they’re all playing with me
In the deep

He was wisdom and war
His power was more seductive
Than any beauty I’ve ever beheld
He was thunder

He
Lies next to me
His breathing blending with swaying of the trees
A comely fragrance of forever wafting around him like a costly oriental perfume
Next to me in our bed
His black hair
Growing from underneath the sheets
Contentment fills my heart
& is pumped through my veins
Like a rogue spark
Catching dry brush creating a wild fire
Of gratitude
Consuming me and feasting on my every discontent
Thankfulness takes its throne in my heart
Long live the king

I’m sorry,
I’ll never be a cheery girl
Draped in yellow humor
Blessed with a boisterous laugh
That fills every hall of your hallow heart
I’m sorry,
I’ll never have quite a loose disposition
That your wandering soul searches for
But that I carry a set of convictions
Not readily compromised
A steady world of right and wrong
Though I let go and have fun in the right season
I’m afraid
I’m not what you’re looking for

The truth is like a lion
You don’t need to defend it
You simply, let it out of its cage
And it’ll handle business just fine

It’s a disheartening feeling when,
Your “very best”
Is their “not good enough”

Each letter, about 3 feet tall
The graffiti you left on my wall
The walls built high, around my heart
I’m the canvas, to your art

I don’t desire
To be any mans “queen”
Keep that heavy crown
Far away from me
I don’t want to be
Some guys “princess”
If anything, I’m more like  
The village sorceress

She scribbled like a lunatic writing on the wall
The horrible words you left in her heart
The pain she had to bear
She needed to get it out

US= -stability+-(past baggage^2-coherent communication)
——————————————————
                Intense mutual attraction



...remains unsolved

I sought God
I asked Him to use my life for His way
I anticipated His response,
& I heard the word “obey.”
To be a useful instrument,
In His hands, moldable as clay
I need to heed His voice
His impression in my heart is “obey.”
I can rest with Him by morning.
Read His Word to end the day,
But what good are His words,
If I do not listen & obey?
I must hide them in my heart.
His words will lead my way
Because He said,
“Why do you call Me Lord, but do not do as I say?”

She breathed her lore through history
Her name, dripping in myth & legend
She never said a word to prove her worth
She let the fire in her belly
Do the convincing

I could leave that part of my life concealed.
A shameful chapter of chaos, unspoken.
A secret to be kept in my heart,
Guarded by four roaring lions
And six stinging scorpions.
A Pandora’s box watched day and night,
Behind lock and key.
Not to be spoken about.
But I won’t.
For though it creates a peculiar pattern
In the tapestry of my life
I cannot deny it’s brilliance
I cannot deny it’s lessons
Through the pain came polish
From the beast came beauty

There’s a sudden chill in the air
The darkness looms, heavy
My skin tingles in fear
My forehead spikes in perspiration
The ghost hovers in my corner
My past is here to haunt me

The horizon breaks in golden laughter
Makes a flit of thoughts stop
The light pierces through my being
Time to walk to the coffee shop

Life wields it’s pen
To jot down my chapters
I’m so enthralled in this love story
It’s chosen for me
But then, my heart sinks
For every great, renowned love story
Tends to end in a great tragedy