My death is a private matter.
- but it's not -
So much pain.
So tired.
I can't stop now.

Disjointed words
Broken thoughts

I am sorry.

Which is better
happiness or hope?
Can you have one
without the other?

My ending is already set.
It stands right before me.
My GPS tells me I'm here;
just one step away.
But no,
I have to keep
reminding myself
that when my thoughts
are at their darkest,
I must turn away
and ignore
the constant recalibrations
that lead me back
to this same spot,
this one destination.
I have to keep
reminding myself
to turn away
and forge a new path
that will take me
further and deeper,
the long way 'round.

My glasses are broken.
I can't see much beyond my feet.
My eyes alone are not the best.
You see,
I need a new prescription;
one that will help me see the world
as you do:
one that will adjust
whether it's too dark
or too bright;
one that will let me see
the whole horizon.

Why is the thought of being happy
so difficult, so daunting?
What is it about the future that frightens me?
Perhaps it's my past.
I've never been anything
more than promising;
anything more than
two years away from two years away.

Happiness for me is a leap of faith,
of letting go, of jumping out.
It's a surrender of my greatest possession
in exchange for some thing
I can't even hold in my hand.
Death is tangible.
Happiness is not.

Besides, am I even worthy of it?

You've fought hard for so many years
You've turned back so many dark thoughts
You've saved yourself so many times.
You're beyond worthy.

Happiness is your reward,
even if it's just fleeting,
like a breath of fresh air.
Don't think about how you got here
or where you' re going,
just close your eyes,
just for a moment,
and smile.

It's something
that has always been there
waiting;
waiting for my heart to open
so it can rush in to fill the void.

I'm too old to have dreams.
I fall asleep so easily now,
no  interruptions
no thoughts
no more.