To wrap up my year with Christmas cheer sounds like Hell.
And you can take my word for it too
I know what Hell is like now
I’m no grinch, I mean carols starting after thanksgiving is interesting but I’ve always felt that way.
This year the holiday is bleak, and grey
The spark that was there is gone
Tainted traditions, filled with great memories
There just memories that arnt coming back
Our bed beside the ping pong table in the basement that grandpa fashioned from random wood to make a frame.
Finally made into a bed....... but no way will I rest my head there anymore.
I’ll stay away instead
I want my peace back
I want my heart back

Will there be a night with no crying?
I’m trying to hear the meaning of this all
But every time I’m close to the end
The beginning starts over again
Winding roads of questioned intention
Leading me away from any safe place
Daybreak to sundown I wander
Looking for truth
But even truth is longing for an answer
To the definition of this all

              EXPLAIN YOURSELF!

What use is this now
What good comes from more rubble
You’ve tried me in fire, you’ve taken my heart
And I haven’t left your side
I’ll still abide through the trouble
Just make it stop!
Let me sleep! Let me rest!
I have given this my best
Yet still the test continues

My heart is bound tightly in knots made of razors
No bows or bunny ears to make this bond easier to untie
Pain confined to a pit in my stomach, and a hole in my soul
To painful to keep, and to painful to let go
So I sit in the middle plateau
The "how are you's?"
Answered behind a crooked smile of "i'm fine, how about you?"
I look better, I seem happier, I seem healed
But these cuts were closed with ugly scars to bare

I carried pain as a burden, but pain saved me!
I was in the dark but learned light
The shrieking echoes of memories I fight
With love now
Not with anger, or fear
But understanding to perservere
Through moments of doubt
Through times of tears
Because I know that your always near
Teaching me of the smile in the frown
That the smile is just upside down

     !Perspective!

Proclaiming victory in the storm while I morn
That no matter the outcome
I belong to peace
And I have a home in the found

Stay in place don’t move a muscle
Wait for me and I’ll be back after the struggle
After some time.....
But I waited for longer then the next guy in line
I gave you space, and even grace
But you spat it back in my face
There was no judgment from what you needed
No condimination for a changing woman
I signed up for the change
I said I do to the new you forever and always
But you couldn’t recognize that, could you?
You couldn’t tell that I would go through Hell
For the woman I married?
After every struggle, after every tear through the years, I made a commitment to God to never give up and he provided, he filled my cup.
But the cup lays empty with no one to fill
When the relationship believed nothing could save this, nothing will........
Faith the mover of mountains
Hope the eyes to the blind
But on top of my faith mountain I stood with hope filled eyes, just waiting.
For months.......
But nothing changed
Days and nights fell off the earth as I kept Singing
Waiting
Longing
For something more in store
To restore me and her
But divorce came and went like paper in fire
The paper never stood a chance with that desire for destruction.........
I gave everything and became heartless ash
Pain filled molten hot black soot to my root

I waited, I cried, I tried.........

I am so afraid of talking to you
Reality let loose by your venomous soft lips is hard to hear
The few messages I send have no response
The pain that ensues pursuing an answer from you is where my fear resides
Besides believing in a miracle to happen
Directing my satin sails back to clear waters
I do not deserve such a beautiful ending
Or do I?!