I had a dream
         I was surrounded by
                                  water
And I was heavy
         Could not reach out
                                    Helpless
While my mother was
          screaming for any help
                                     Pointless

Oh, how I wish he was here

How I wish I could curl up next to him
Let him cuddle and snuggle me
Let him kiss the nape of my neck
Let him hug my waist
Let him sleep next to me

How I wish he was here

How I wish he slept on my chest
Where I believe he's supposed to be
To hear my calm but also raging heartbeat
When he's so close to me

How I wish he was here

How I wish I could feel his warmth
Let me love and adore him
Let me kiss his forehead
Let me take his hands
Let me sleep next to him

Oh, how I wish he was here

I've been told I'll miss middle school
That I'll wish I could come back
See my classmates again
That I'll wish to revert the time back to when everything was supposedly fine

But do I, really?
Do I wish to come back now when I'm doing what I love
Do I really wish to revisit the class I hated so much
I didn't even want to be there because what was there to like?

Blackboard with smudges
Broken desks
Decoration that was a mess
Or kids that never cared and I never cared for in return

I'm sure that if anyone of them reads this poem
They'd agree, and they'd agree so hard that it'd physically hurt
Like back then when it all began
Chest tightens, limbs go numb

With the very first bad word used against them
Memories of those times - do we really miss them?
I think not but that's just my humble opinion
But really, what's there to miss?

Too much make-up on fifteen years old
Childlike relationships we quickly grew out of
Fake friends who turned their back whenever they want
This bullies compilation that we fairly know

Stitching our mouths shut when something went wrong
Cutting our limbs off when we had to go for help
Disposing of guts when we didn't want to be seen
And emptying our skulls to make sure we weren't really here

Do we really miss those days?
Do we miss, do we even want to remember
How terribly we acted towards each other when something went wrong
And the solution was yet another fight no-one's ever came unhurt of

But the minute lasting victory was worth losing an eye, right
Whatever that you'll never ever see bright
Who cares if next time you'll go blind
Does it matter if we all are blindfolded anyway

So we don't have to look at the fight
We just hear how it went down
And the truth is blurry because
We've never cared enough

So, is there anything to miss or like?
Shadow figures
Hands covered in blood
Maybe just metaphors but scary and disgusting enough

I guess now it's clear why I never want to hear
About them or why I never want to see
What's became of them
And probably why they feel towards me the same
After all, who'd want to befriend a bully?

I smelled cigarettes and cancer
When you stood behind me
You've smoked your brains out
And lost every bits and pieces of you

You used to be a boy
I was very fond of
Until the day you closed your heart to me
And I really thought you left

That you dug up the chest I buried
Brought back what was stolen from you
But you still linger around
You still flow my mind
When I recall memories
Of young selfless love

I wanted to meet you one more time
And I wanted to help, I swear that I tried
But you showed me no interest when I typed
And then looked wide-eyed when I said goodbye

I remember a boy who wanted to be a writer
Wher is the innocent soul I used to cherish so much
Why did I and the time change you
Why'd you become a person I don't even want to know

I thought I was over you, over our late night conversations
I thought I didn't miss you anymore
But now the only thing I can think of
Is the cancer growing inside of you

Don't you see it's killing you
I would kiss chapped lips again if it meant healing you
And I would breathe the cigarette smoke to stay beside you
I would do anything to help you fight with this type of cancer

But you don't want my help, do you
You thought you'll never meet me again
And maybe I'm the only one of us two
Who's affected by that one time I saw you

And heard your voice
Oh god, it's so hoarse and so different
And it's bitter, talking about school
And I wonder how bitter it is talking about me

I know, it was my choice to let go
To let you go down the cliff of disappointment
And never visit your grave ever again
But that doesn't mean I don't miss you

Remember when I wrote you in the summer
I wanted to say something like "hey, I finally know
What I felt, just so you know you've never left my head
And I'm proud to say, I love you in a very different way"

But then I didn't say it
You were too closed
Too distant to hear that
And I'm sorry I messed up

But sorry in this pitiful poem is
Such a meaningless apologize
For all the pain that I've caused
For all those sleepless nights

At the end of the day, I brought this upon myself
I at least partly made you into a man you are today
And when I see you, I love the memory of you
That I buried close to my bed

But that's it - you are just a memory
And the memory boy you were is no longer there
I can only ask where did he go, why did he leave
But the answer is always untold but so very known in my head

It was summer when I realized the mess I got myself into
The way our so called friendship made me feel, like a numb cadaver
And your presence was the thing to shift between my moods
And how I couldn't stand a single look at you

Your mind is damaged and it shows
And your body isn't the case, you know?
Your looks aren't priority, though it sometimes may be the cause of averting my eyes
I guess I should've known better than making a deeper cut

“Why” you may ask
What have you done, something so horrible
I wouldn't give you a single glance with my bloodshot eyes
And cringe whenever you try to touch me

I misunderstood the whole situation
I never thought you could get so clingy and attached
So instead of giving you what you want I
Gave you what I need, sweet separation like for Siam's sisters

Maybe it was harsh, maybe it was blunt
That when I confronted you, it slit your throat
And you cried into your hands while I didn't shed a tear
Didn't show how it hurt because at that time I felt nothing

I still do, I feel the nothingness to your mind, body and soul
But you seem to come back, though I want you to leave me alone
And your company drives me places I don't want to be ever again
Because they scream “******” right into my face

I probably killed a part of your little poor self with these scissors
I used to cut the ties connecting us when it was a new moon
Night, when I wished you'll forget about the kiss
That wasn't meant to be done in my light headed state

You know what?
I got rid of the orange ChapStick
I hate “french lessons” how we called it
And I'd rather cut my lips than to ever connect them with somebody's again

And now more than ever I know
That cutting the ties was the best decision
And now more than ever I appreciate
That homophobic grandpa who interrupted
When we came for a second try
Because without that happening I'd probably lose my mind

You know I'm the one to believe my crows
When they say what they've heard and seen
I know it's not a lie, yet there's someone I little hold in doubt
For saying something about you, how you said what I've done

If what they say is true, shame on you
I thought you had the decency to keep it a secret
One thing, two things, doesn't matter how many
You said everything I wanted you not to share

And you did it even before
When we were “friends”, by the way
And from innocent mistake you made lustful charade
How dare you use me like that, making me seem less than I already am?

You knew I didn't feel a thing around you
Everyone knew
So did you feel the urge to feed your ego on
Being “the one”

I lost my barrier with
I made out wildly with
I felt deep connection with
I'd share my heart with

Don't make me laugh, this is pathetic
I don't know what you wanted out of this
But I can tell it's nothing I would want
Yes, this seems selfish but it's not like I care anymore

Not because you hurt me, not in a slightest
I am invincible to those “romantic” tricks, remember?
I don't care anymore because I lost hope in you
And I lost trust in you, oh, how bruised it is

So, we will have a talk, one last time
And who knows, maybe I'm just falsely accusing you
Or maybe I'll walk out with scissors covered in blood
Gently dripping to the floor, making a river, flowing away with silent whimper

“I'll never let go” like that cheesy Titanic quote
What a shame I already did, many times before
But as I said, I don't really care anymore
Doesn't matter how many times you'll try, I'll just cut you some more

So, we had a talk
And you said the exact opposite of what I've heard
I'm confused, what is the truth?
I can't decide who's throwing dirt on who

But I'm tired of everything
I'm tired of trying to find out who lies to me
All I want is to know how it really was
You two need to talk and make up your minds
Before talking to me
Probably feeding me with more lies

Yes, I did go
I did run away
I did leave you alone
When you needed someone to listen
And what for?
For me

Not because I'm selfish, or at least I hope
But because there's no healing if the two of us
Need to be healed from their own pain and diseases
And there's no growth within shadowed hearts and minds

You can't grow if you keep yourself in the dark shadow of your smile
You can't wait for prosperity if you keep yourself out of reach of those
Who would like to help you and your excuse is
I'm the only help you will ever need but let me say - *******

People say that you grow from pain
But I guess the growth stops
When you are too long
In there

Few days ago we shared the same bus, you next to me
And I next to your broken heart
And you said to me that when I left you it hit you hard
And you said to me that you have never been so nervous in your life

Funny what two months can do, you've been grieving
While I was trying to think of something I can do
To make myself feel better about who I was and who I am growing into
Embracing all my flowers, leaves and thorns

I knew from someone else that you've been down
I've been just praying for you to not do something dumb
But why was I the one who hurt you so badly?
Why didn't you say how deep my thorns were stabbing before I pulled?

You are yet a tiny seed, you need sun and water and kind words
But I'm not the one to offer all of this to you
There are reasons for it known and unsaid
We both know I am not the answer to question about your growth

Better without me, that's who you are
And I'll be cruelly honest when I say I'm better without you as well
There are reasons for it unknown and said
We both know you are not a factor in my own growth

Yet I have to give you a credit, some kind of appreciation
You let me go when I asked you to
Not something others would do, though I ask myself why
Do they keep attached to me so bad

I don't expect you to read these words but if you do
I hope you're doing well without me and
I'll be honest when I say I want you to know
That it's okay to grow slow

Sometimes I dream of how it is
To let go and finally feel nothing
Nothing in a meaning of nothing
Nothing not in a meaning of empty

And in those dreams I sometimes look into the coffin
And sometimes just to the ground
Where my selfless body lies
And birds sing while wind cries
Both combining into heartbreaking elegy nobody will ever hear

But then I wake up and
I realize there's nothing I could leave behind when I'm gone
Just a room with white walls and table with funny stones
I believed they would protect me
Both from world and me and my self-destructive nature

What if they are useless like I am?
Just laying there, waiting for somebody to pick them up
And give them purpose they need for their existence
Or else they will just fall apart to useless pieces
Useless pieces of what used to be whole

It's shameful writing these words
When I feel terribly again for no reason that people would take seriously
When I am in the bed, trying to sleep but I'm an insomniac as a day
As I try to forget who I was yesterday

I'm not falling for depression neither anxiety
I don't have all the symptoms but why do I feel like it?
And I'm not bipolar, I checked some facts
I'm just casually fading away every day

And no one sees it
I finally feel lonely, not alone - straight up lonely
There's this feeling like I don't fit in
And I feel like another angsty teenager writing a poem
About how life ***** when you are different
But I don't care

I just want someone to hold me
Someone to listen to me
Just one person who would go to my funeral
That one beautiful soul

Where are you?
Where are you when I feel like this?
I don't know who you are but I keep Calling your name over and over again, hoping
You will hear my desperate voice and come to save me

Today I don't even have a strength to cry over all of this
I'm tired of falling apart, of kissing my parts goodbye
I need some sleep but I'm afraid I don't want to wake up
Would flowers grow above me soon?
Am I too young to ask that question?

And is it alright for me to be like this?
Was I independent in the past or blind to these feelings I have now
It would make sense, as I found out I feel either nothing or everything
It's like washing the clouds in sunny day

I don't feel safe anymore, my heart is weak
I can't help but keep falling down for my own misery I've written for myself
My sense of stability is missing again and I don't want to bother
I guess I just need to find person inside of me to fulfill their place

I'll bring myself flowers, I'll carry my soul
I'll sing myself sad and sleepy songs
And I'll say goodbye to myself with a smile
Today I found out I'm the only person I need on my funeral