Sometimes I dream of how it is
To let go and finally feel nothing
Nothing in a meaning of nothing
Nothing not in a meaning of empty

And in those dreams I sometimes look into the coffin
And sometimes just to the ground
Where my selfless body lies
And birds sing while wind cries
Both combining into heartbreaking elegy nobody will ever hear

But then I wake up and
I realize there's nothing I could leave behind when I'm gone
Just a room with white walls and table with funny stones
I believed they would protect me
Both from world and me and my self-destructive nature

What if they are useless like I am?
Just laying there, waiting for somebody to pick them up
And give them purpose they need for their existence
Or else they will just fall apart to useless pieces
Useless pieces of what used to be whole

It's shameful writing these words
When I feel terribly again for no reason that people would take seriously
When I am in the bed, trying to sleep but I'm an insomniac as a day
As I try to forget who I was yesterday

I'm not falling for depression neither anxiety
I don't have all the symptoms but why do I feel like it?
And I'm not bipolar, I checked some facts
I'm just casually fading away every day

And no one sees it
I finally feel lonely, not alone - straight up lonely
There's this feeling like I don't fit in
And I feel like another angsty teenager writing a poem
About how life ***** when you are different
But I don't care

I just want someone to hold me
Someone to listen to me
Just one person who would go to my funeral
That one beautiful soul

Where are you?
Where are you when I feel like this?
I don't know who you are but I keep Calling your name over and over again, hoping
You will hear my desperate voice and come to save me

Today I don't even have a strength to cry over all of this
I'm tired of falling apart, of kissing my parts goodbye
I need some sleep but I'm afraid I don't want to wake up
Would flowers grow above me soon?
Am I too young to ask that question?

And is it alright for me to be like this?
Was I independent in the past or blind to these feelings I have now
It would make sense, as I found out I feel either nothing or everything
It's like washing the clouds in sunny day

I don't feel safe anymore, my heart is weak
I can't help but keep falling down for my own misery I've written for myself
My sense of stability is missing again and I don't want to bother
I guess I just need to find person inside of me to fulfill their place

I'll bring myself flowers, I'll carry my soul
I'll sing myself sad and sleepy songs
And I'll say goodbye to myself with a smile
Today I found out I'm the only person I need on my funeral

How it comes that out of all people you are the one who
Won't hesitate to embrace the mess that's left of me
When the darkest hour of my sadness strikes
And takes all the good I've done out of my reach in exchange for hatred I feel inside

You are here when
I won't let anyone see my face
It's pale and there are bags under my eyes for the lack of sleep
And my cheeks are swollen of cries I let out
These starless nights

And when all my hair is gone
And my nails are ******
And when I balance on the edge of insanity
How comes you are my only sense of stability

I'm afraid of falling
Down there are monsters
Who would eat me without a second thought
And you assure me that
If I fall you will catch me and fight with those beasts
Just so I am alright

But I'm afraid of flying
Because everytime I tried, those filthy hands reached out
To me, gripped on me
And slowly let me fall back down
Yet you still borrow me your wings
Without me actually using them

What if I break them?
I would ruin your free spirited headspace
And brave heart of a fighter
I would **** the lovely person you are in exchange for my failure
I can't possibly ever let myself do that

You believe in me
You believe that a little push brings uplift
You know I can do that
Just need to find the courage to do it

You are everything I need,
Bringing me to my knees and then lifting me up
Throwing me off balance while making sure about me being stable
Physically, psychologically, emotionally

Alabaster hands put me down from a chair
I'm trembling on after another unsuccessful attempt
As long as you are with me, my dearest friend
I know I can and will stand tall
As long as you are here to stabilise me

There's this pressure every woman has to deal with
People want us to want a child
But what do they know, calling me selfish at my age of fifteen
When my biggest struggle is getting A's in freshman year

I have no intention on filling this world with
Another zombie, creature that's living with no need of thinking
I'm not even sorry for my choice, come on
There's seven billion people in the world, why do we need more?

No, philosophical zombie, don't go with a crowd
They will control you and manipulate your mind
You will lose yourself within their commands
That you're selflessly obeying 'till passing out

Their psychotic destruction is tearing us down
Using you as their weapon, breaking your limbs and loosening your nerves
How am I supposed to put you back together when I have
Problems slipping through my own fingertips myself

We have to find ourselves in this post apocalyptic world
Search through empty halls and broken windows
To see our reflection in the shattered glass covered in
Blood of victims of those brutal killings and your reckless behaviour

Your actions and my upbringing were the cause of this fatality
Leading to the mess we found ourselves in
Both still lost and broken, my vision blurry with ashes and cracks
On your delicate body shifted in unnatural angles

No, don't reach for your mama, darling, I know
It hurts, shh, don't cry, little zombie of mine
I promise it will be okay once the dust settles down
And you will be free to see colourful dreams with your blind eyes

But untill that day I'll wrap you in a blanket, so the world can't see you
And make fun of you and your unhappy being
While you desperately cry for some respect and love
And I'll try my best to offer it to you

You don't have a name and you will probably never be there, but
Don't be afraid of worms, they are coming for you
You can fight back but at the end of the day
You can't resist because your life depends on them

They guide your living, what you can and can't
They keep your dreams to themselves while it's possible
And once faces of relatives are twisted in grief
Little worms come for your soft flesh and chalk white skin

Sometimes I go out at night and
Lay myself down in the sheets of snow
No matter how cold or wet my clothes get I stay
And dream of a boy I've never met

His kindness scared me, nice words
Piercing through my ears and laughs escaping
My mouth felt deadly for a person who has to bring
Themselves forcefully to smile just a little

I don't remember the name I used to call him with
Time we spent together felt so unrealistic, like a dream, like a nightmare
Like a story we've written together, changing fate
Of each other and revealing more than we should

But I loved it, even the pain sourced in a boy
Whose answers were warm for the heart but ice cold to the touch
That it hurt, that cold were his hands but the moment
He put it in mine and embraced all I was with demons in my head
I could care less about it

After all he was an angel with blurry memories of heaven
Which rejected him for his sins undone and left him with a feather
And blood on his hands, scars of what used to be his and him and I
Just couldn't help but touch his dreadful living

His bones were so fragile and his skeleton delicate
He lied on the hospital bed, killing time with my younger self
And I adored what he wrote with every piece of my heart
Though it felt so devilish afterwards when his response never came

But back then I was probably too young to know
That he most likely moved on and had some reasons
Perhaps his wired knee could work again so he ran back to the world
Where he truly belonged rather than stay there with monsters and hunters
That tried to **** him at any opportunity they had

After all this time I still remember what you said, not to me
To my girl, that she's like a butterfly with one wing light and the other dark
One full of the good, beautiful things that made her herself
And the other covered in fear and doubts about her existence

And she didn't love you, she loved your man
After everything he have done for her
I was naïve back then but I don't want to be today when I say
I don't know if you're reading this, but I hope you're okay
Because the days that passed you were my real life angel

You trick yourself to believe that you actually know
Who's crawling under my skin, don't you
Yet, there's an issue - you're not even aware of who you are yourself
So what makes you think you know somebody who locked and hid themselves

I would appreciate it if you'd stop speaking my mind
Because if you'd actually travel to my spoiled skull
And shared a train with my friendly phantoms
You'd say different words, perhaps not so harsh or maybe even worse

But still you'd have no right to even think you know
What's going on inside my head, what monsters eat me alive
And it's scary because sometimes I'm not sure myself
And though I want to show, I won't offer them a trip in places they weren't ever before

There's no way anyone could see more than I'll let them
Showing off the best coupes only that you can share with angels
And not with past, present and future demons
Who would gladly slit your throat just for playful pleasure

No-one really cares about the wagons at the very back
Because there are secrets so vicious they don't want to know
For their fear not saying a word to the newcomer
So the moment you move your glance, oh hell

Maybe others don't see what you see or maybe they don't want to
They still live in illusion I made up to feed their not so right curiosity
But you, I'll offer you a seat next to my fear and anxiety
I'll let you seek through the train finding things you never wanted to reach

Shadows of the darkest parts of my mind, check
Wrecked goals and dreams, you can see them on your left
Relatives going by their hateful tongue and
Other visitors in my mind that used to have face

People outside the station try to answer for me
Guessing, without knowing the truth, just mindlessly saying words
They would want to hear from me but only
If they'd know I'd gladly throw them under the train

Watch their body being slashed and scattered
Like butterflies' wings with any harsh touch
Can't hear their begging and whimpering within the screams of my brain
And the words I am finally free to say out loud

Gently part my almost see-through skin with a scalpel
As I watch your trembling hands cut deeper into my torso
Take my bones and open my delicate rib cage without breaking
Where my trapped heart is welcoming worms, beating weakly

And I'll caress your cheeks twitched in disgust by what you see
Rotting mess inside my body, just pull it out and wrap it in a cloth, put it in a jar
Stuff my chest with your pieces, wishes and expectations
Only to be disappointed in me and my love again

For I gently tug at your sleeve and ask in a small voice
If you could make me dead and numb for a while, so I could rest
Because I wasn't born for warm and tickly feelings inside my tummy and chest
For loving in the way romantic books portrait and movies make standard

And I try to laugh it off whenever I don't feel so well from what you've put into me
So you won't scar my ******* but you find out and do the procedure anyway
But I never say anything, though it makes me sad you hate your art
I guess it can't be helped if the person you love is dead no matter how hard you tried

Can you hear my bones softly crying in summer breeze as they're healing
And can you feel my fear whenever your fingers trace my neck
Still continue to pick perfect heart in exchange for mine
That you buried to hide and I dug up without you knowing

“Fixing me” is your explanation, no hint of sorry in your eyes to be seen
But I was never broken in the first place, so what's there to fix in me?
You took me apart, stuffed like a teddy bear and sewn together so I could be torn apart again
Though you're always failing, you keep trying to find a way to make it work

Everytime I see red streams flowing from my wounds you assure it's alright
And that you'll try your best tomorrow to find my love in the Valley of the Dead for I lost it there
But why would you do it if you love me the way you say you do
Why would you put me through the things you put me through

I'm the one to believe my crows when they say that they saw
You tried to **** my heart so there's no going back, happened many times before
But you can't **** anything that's already dead
So keep your so-called necromancy tricks to yourself

If your love really was like necromancy, I wouldn't need a different heart to know
The pureness of another human's feelings they adore me with
That cause my chest to blossom and throat to sing freely
If your love really was like necromancy, I wouldn't feel so cold and barren in my own skin

It's dark and cold here, frozen hand is creeping up my spine
My lips are trembling as I recognize your scent and smell
Of all the numb cadavers you left long untouched
Piercing canines reflecting an end of my joy and pride
And my fear of your claws getting near my crippled body, making more cuts

And it hurts, it hurts so much
But I won't scream tonight
I'll cover myself with blood that's flowing from my wounds
Making an art piece worth the gallery
Of my own collapsing skeleton that's falling to pieces
So you can take it
Make me your trophy

Cut off my limbs and make me believe
That I'm an animal, a stupid omnivore who refuses to eat a soul
Strip me out of my skin, I can't stand it anymore and make sheets out of it
And eat me alive, chew my brain and break my heart in a habit
In routine that's going in circles, 'cause you can't think of anything else to make me suffer

Spitting my parts out, what a terrible taste of flesh that was once yours
What a disappointment am I
No good for mouth nor father's pride
So why do you keep on me an eye?

Hoping I'll be like you, so you
Don't have to paint kitchen with my blood
And keep my eyes under your pillow
Or stitch with my hair another cut
Making teeth and gut necklaces for those who follow
Your cannibalistic rules, making their kids hollow

If only you had the decency to bury my bones in a piece of silky cloth
Instead of putting me back together like a jigsaw puzzle
So you can make fun of me and say comments that make me weaker
In an unfortunate attempt to make me a hunter

But I won't be like you, I won't
Eat another living being's soul or flesh
I won't cut their veins open to swim in their liquids
Because I'm not a cannibal