Hope is gone
My hope is gone,
I don't feel very strong ,
Making it work always seems wrong,
Sitting in a room where I feel I don't belong,
Trying to understand where I went  wrong,
What am I hearing those voices in the air,
They're always telling me to be very scared,
I look around the room but there's nobody ever there,
Lonely and afraid that I'll never see the happiness of a day,
The cold room is Damp,
Theirs a smell in the air,
I try to figure out how I even got here,
I stop and I think,
Then I realized,
I put myself here.

Triple diagnosis this wasn't me
I wants had many friends,
I was social and Popular,
Life was good didn't think it would change,
One day I woke up and nothing was the same,
That's when it all happened and started to begin,
I lost my control and don't know why,
33 years old,
feeling  like I'd rather die,
no more control,
It interferes in my life,
the soul begins to rip out my chest,
my soul I'm dying inside,
Day to day,
Week to week,
Month after month,
I hide in the shadows,
They begin to fade,
I hope not to see another day,
I no longer can work hardly go anywhere,
When will this stop I hate feeling so scared,
Only leaving the room for appointments cause I hate being anywhere,
Everyday is pretty much the same,
When I go somewhere I put myself through all the shame,
I start my journey along the streets,
Walking to the bus I hold my breath deep,
Knowing what will happen,
I try not to fuss,
Keeping myself together,
In my mind that's a must,
Oh I can feel it,
It's starting to creep,
I don't want to cry because no more attention I want from anyone's eye's,
I get on the bus I sit in a chair,
Before you know it people start to stare,
Got my hoodie over my head,
My hat turndown tight,
Trying to hide myself,
These feelings aren't right,
I can't take the embarrassment of showing my face,
Hoping nobody will remember me being in this place,
Some people might stand up and move away,
My presence is hard to bare cause i know,
I feel it everywhere,
Can't really blame them if they move to another chair,
But that's when I know It's another one of those days,
I just look down hoping This will all just go away,
My destination is getting near,
I can see it from here,
I began to stand up and it's obviously
clear,
I don't look back at seat,
Afraid someone might say something
to make me feel more incomplete,
I have a mental illness,
How could this be,
I've always been normal,
Never was there anything wrong with me,
Triple diagnosis that wasn't me,
High anxiety psychosis
schizophrenia,
How could this be,
I was the one that people wanted around,
Now I  definitely can't be found,
The phone use to ring all the time,
Now it doesn't even make a sound,
I can't even walk into a store without my anxiety starting a war,
My sweat starts to drip right to the floor,
My shirt is soaked,
My hoodie is too,
Along with my pants,
I don't know what to do,
It's like I fell into a lake,
Or wet my pants,
Sometimes i wonder if that's even a chance,
So I live my life alone and sad,
Can't be around people and this make's me mad,
I'm a  prisoner locked up in my own space,
Wishing that one day I'll wake up and this won't be the case,
I want my life back,
I want my wish to come true,
I want to be me again,
oh how I wish this would just come true.

up in the morning,
you stretch your back legs,
its time to take you out thats how we started our day,
while waiting patiently as i put my shoes on,
your harness secure your leash right on,
started are walk like every morning,
nothing felt wrong,
the decision to go to work or to call in sick,
had to make this decision had to make it quick,
outside we walked along the street,
you walk along beside me prancing your little feet,
taking your ****** around the tree where you always stopped to ******,
we finished our walk,
and i was going to work,
i wish i would have stayed oh how i regret that day,
the building manager watched over you,
how i regret leaving you,
I'm sorry i left you my baby boo boo,
i said my good byes i was already late,
telling you i love you,
i thought id see you later that day,
the day went by i worked my whole shift,
on my way to pick you up,
wasn't prepare for all this,
got to the door as he shared the news,
that you had passed away,
my life took a turn,
it would never be the same,
dropped to my knees stared to cry,
as i felt my soul begin to die,
how did this happen what did i miss,
you were fine this morning now i’ll never know this,
I beat myself up for leaving you that day,
for a job that doesn’t exist anymore anyway,
your soft white curly coat,
your bark as skate boards go by,
i never got to say good bye,
your scent of that stinky dog breath of yours,
how it made me feel comfort that smell that you had,
cuddling close up in my arms,
licking at my face and now your gone,
oh how i miss you every night,
I want you to know how much i love you,
my baby boy Prada,
the little white poodle forever thats you.

I remember the day how we felt the same way,
the attraction,
the passion the romantic satisfaction,
thats how the sparks lead to the mutual desire,
how the touch of your hand set me on fire,
that special connection we shared felt like no one else could compare,
until that day when you started to pull away,
preoccupied in your thoughts with A distraction,
my instincts are clear how this makes me insecure,
now bad energy is here,
all my emotions with fear have sufficed to the top and now i'm feeling distraught,
conversations reflect with less motivation and neglect,
that genuine connect becomes disrespect,
not honest nor true just lies and confused,
i walk with these tears and fighting alone with all fears,
your feelings of regret and enforcement to a threat,
questioning all emotions but waiting to see whats next