Remember the ground is always right there
Touch it
It's right there
Closer than you think
When your falling through oblivion
Drowning in a sea of overwhelm
Of madness
Of unfelt, undigested feelings
Remember you can put a foot out and feel the ground
It's right there

Her heart hurt
For all she could not express
The feeling inside her
Of a Phoenix
Regal majestic meant for beauty
For aliveness
Built to rise
Dancing from the flames
And yet somehow trapped
Unable to fly free
Wings beating inside her mind
Flapping for answers
For the key that will unlock her

How many times did they feel trapped
The Vestal Virgins
Inside white gowns
Inside patriarchal demand
Inside vows of chastity
Illusions of grandeur
But still answerable to one priest
One who could decide their fate
How often did my ancestors feel trapped
Unable to dance to shout to liberate the shackles
I have the ability and the permission to dance and sing and shout
No one will burn me
I feel the need and the restriction
Restriction is an illusion

The deep ache
That cannot be gotten rid of
She must be embraced
Her sweet longing
For union
For hungry mouths
And souls that need each other
Love like that- of Eros and Psyche doesn’t last in reality
Soul’s can’t live with that intensity
But they never forget one another
Psyche and Eros
Dancing together
Invisible threads
Weaving their story
Surrendering control
Opening to the mystery
Feeling the sweet pull
Oening beyond it
Surrendering to God

I dare you to email me
I dare you to message and put yourself on the line
I dare you to take a ******* risk and send a message
I won't
Not this time

I want you to love me so bad
I don't want to admit this
Not even to myself
I don't understand it
I try to push the need away
It's ridiculous
Why do I care if you love me or not
But I do care
And I feel you don't
I feel you are angry at me
Or worse you are disinterested in me
You don't see me
And that really hurts
I don't know what to do
Don't know how to play this game
You represent mother
That is becoming clear
You are not my mother
You do not hold my key
I hold my key
I can love and mother myself the way I needed
Comforting my inner child
Loving her, meeting her, holding her

It is painful to love you
Your face
Your brightness
Your energy
Your sensitivity
Your playfulness
Your aliveness
Your curious questioning way of being in the world

I could never get inside you
Never felt you open to me fully
Never felt able to open to you fully
I so wanted to
In *** we could

I believe I am everything you could want

At the station
I thought you saw me
Thought we were playing hide and seek
Then I looked again
You were chatting and laughing with the coffee girl
I had your attention and then I didn't
Another had it instead
I felt worthless in that moment
Confused and young
Having to wait whilst you flirted
It wasn't ok for me
Unable to name my hurt
Unable to grasp what I felt in that moment
Ashamed and embarrassed
I said nothing
But inside it hurt
I don't quite understand why
But I recognize this place
It is a familiar feeling for me with you

When I email you
It's often my young excitable loving care free baby that emails
She wants to play
To connect
To be in your world
To have you in hers

There is a naivety in this
That comes at a price
It costs me emotionally

It's up to me to love and care for my baby
To learn to keep her safe
To notice when she hurts

You remain in my heart
That causes some confusion
Makes me wonder if I've said it all
If I've been vulnerable
If I've made clear the depth of what I feel

May I lay it down
May I trust in love
Trust in my self
Trust in the mystery
And may I release control

You are my teacher
This love is a teacher
A teacher in being with what I can't control
Learning to live with love, loss, regret, beauty, hope and faith
All of it
Becoming strong enough to hold it all