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Dear ---,

I know I am being annoying and I promised you that I wouldn't bother you anymore, but you have no idea how much I worry for you. I don't even care if I'm being clingy, but if you're hurting I need you to tell me because I love you so much and if you hurt, I hurt.

I just want to know what you worry about endlessly.
I want to know what you think about when you escape your mind and daydream.
I want to know what you think when you see me.
I want to know what scares you.
I want to know about the questions you think of that makes you sit and ponder for days.
And I just want you.

So please, I know that right now we are rough but please tell me what's wrong because you know I would come to you in a heartbeat.

You have to trust me, and Lord knows I won't take no for an answer.

Love,
---
I wanted to feel the crevices of her collarbones,
to caress the curves of her legs, grab her protruding hip bones,
hold her delicate hands and take in her breaktaking smile.
I wanted to say I got to hold her plump but flawless thighs,
kissed the concave stomach of hers
and felt each individual vertebrae of her spine.
The embrace during a hug from her was unbearably calming and secure.
The precious look on her face when she awoke every morning,
was too much to handle at times.
She was lovely, unique, beautiful and perfect,
but most importantly she was all I thought about,
until that one day she said she would be mine.
Talking to you
kills me inside.
There are
so many unsaid feelings
keeping us from moving on.
I want to kiss you
all night, every night.
I dream
about your arms
around me
and the curve of your lips
when you kiss me.
When I close my eyes,
I see your face.
it makes me wonder,
Do you feel the same?
Do you dream of kissing me
every night?
Or see me
everywhere you look?
I just hope I'm not
haunting you
like you are me.
It took
only a few kisses
for you to steal my affection.
Just one hug
before I became jealous
of everyone that has ever hugged you.
I wonder,
is it the same for you?
Does your heart ache
when I whisper "I miss you"
because mine is
tearing apart
my chest.
At 6am
I opened my eyes
and saw the sunlight kissing our skin.
I rolled over to face you properly
and you unconsciously brushed my lips with yours
and traced my jaw line with your lazy fingertips.
I pressed my mouth to your wrist
and you muttered a sleepy, but certain
''i love you''
to which I wrapped myself around you
and let you hold me
my heart exploding against your chest
asking you ''save me''
and thanking you for doing so.
I am not good at breathing
everything I see catches in my throat
and causes anxiety to hold my air
i've always been like that
but it's been worse these last few years
until I met you and I swear something cleared
Until I talked to you and I had to worry again
because you
you were perfect and how could I breathe when I had to replay what I had said to you that day
and let my mistakes keep me up all night
breathing is not important when I have thoughts to think
and cringes to feel
and tears to cry
and worries to have
and lists to make
and
and
and
and
and
stop
I stopped talking because you were in love and that is fine
because I was too worried about finals to remember that I even had feelings
so I forgot about you and had the worst summer of my life
as my scars can attest to
and I worried more that summer
about meaningless things than I ever have
I worried so much that I was thrown in to therapy and given pills to swallow
my head cleared but my chest still ached with that pit thats also a knot
Then I met someone and we were fine
but he never understood my kind of crazy and didn't like
how my hands would shake so much I couldn't hold his hand
and how I constantly pulled on the neckless he gave me until it eventually broke
and even after it broke I would scratch at where it hung because that helped me somehow
and how I couldn't kiss him goodbye if I was wearing lipstick because if it smudged oh god
and that I always looked down when I talked to him
and
and
and
and
and
and
and
stop
so we broke up and that's fine because I was never right for him
and things were quiet for a bit
then you
you told me you liked me and I swear I held my breath until you kissed me

and when you pulled away
I could breathe
there were no "and's"
and I wasn't fine I was wonderful
but then you had to leave for school
and I waited for my breath to catch
and bad lists to start
and it happened for a minute
but then I could breathe wonderfully again
because even though you left I still feel happy to have had you
even if it was just for a few weeks
you kissed me
and I believed you when you said nice things
and I could hold your hand
and look at you when I spoke
and I wasn't scared
and had no vices
and I didn't have to stop my lists because they were good lists
for the first time in my life
I could breathe
dear friend,

I sit criss-crossed on my bed, trying to
think of a way to start this poem my
mouth fidgets like some nervous kid's
fingertips right before a test. Or like a
coke addict inside an elevator. I don't
know how to say it. But
I hope we're friends long enough I'm
the first person you call when you get
a boyfriend. When you're waiting for
the bus, or as you're walking down the
construction jammed block, I hope you
want to tell me first.
I hope we're friends long enough I can
watch you evolve. Cutting your clean cut
corners and bending every straight edge
in your book because you love him, I hope
I see you lose your mind and find it in him.
Irrational or emotional, up or down I hope
I'll be there. In the corner of your peach
room, scared as hell.
I hope we're friends long enough I can
watch your music change. Your hair, the
way you do your make up.
I hope we're friends long enough to see
more presidents be elected,
I hope we're friends long enough we share
more Christmases, more birthdays, more
first days of school. Like a timeline of
pictures hanging from a clothespin, I hope
our memories extend around the equator.
I hope we're friends long enough I'm there
when you're dog dies, or when there's
another hurricane or tornado. Play card
games through the phone remind ourselves
all we have is trust.

and if not,
if time, or distance, or other people or even
just ourselves get in the way. Stretches us
out like an orange rubber band rusting to
snap. If we can't survive the grip of fate.

I hope through all your boyfriends, all the
hair cuts, all the make up experiments, all
the hard times and especially the best
times, if I couldn't be there
I just hope someone is.
i thought your memory would
weigh me down, but it turned out to be
an anchor; i've never felt more
close to you than i do now
(and with this weight i'm clinging to
it's like you never left)
i was cleaning out drawers and i found my dad's favourite wristwatch.
i miss him.
I never told you this,
it's a bit embarassing,
but every wish I make,
I make it for you.

Every penny thrown into fountains,
every lucky stars shinning bright,
every last cigarette of the pack,
is a wish for you

I wish that your troubles will go away.
I wish that you will no longer need those antidepressants.
I wish that you finally get the break you need.

If it means I'll never see you again,
if it means you'll forget about me,
so be it.

You deserve to be happy.
There's a little boy named Collin,
Who lives just outside my head.
He asked me to share our secret.
And that secret is, he's dead.

He lives in my peripheral vision,
And vacations in my dreams.
Sometimes he's very sad,
But he's not as lonely as he seems.

He tells me stories of his other mom,
Her name, in fact, was Kim,
She loved him very much you see,
But she could not save him.

Collin burnt up one day,
When a bad man bombed a church,
He cries when I sing him hymns,
He tells me that it hurts.

I let him cry on my lap,
And I tell him about that moon,
And in my dreams, if he wanted,
He could go there very soon.

We stayed there for three days,
And we ate all the moon cheese,
But when it was time to go home,
Collin wasn't pleased.

We have a summer home there now.
Other stories about Collin can be found in the collection "Son", which you can find if you look in the notes down below.
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