im homesick for arms that never held me.
she asks me what i want.
what i want?
what ive wanted my whole life.
for her to be my mom.
for hugs and comfort
instead of yelling and screaming.

what i want?
i want to be as loved as my brother even though i'm not perfect.
even though im not cis, or straight, or smart, or amazing, or normal.
i want her to not mean it when she says she hates me.

what i want?
i want to be heard.
i want to be heard even if it doesnt interest her
even if its not about her
even if she doesnt care.

what i want?
i want a mom.

i do not walk
i float,
half a whisper behind the world.
people speak in whole voices
but mine is paper thin
its faded away

mirrors don’t lie,
they truth
that i am too much of something
and not enough of anything.

i learned early
to shrink myself
tighten the laughter,
bite the words,
become the apology
before anyone asks for it.

i wear invisibility like cologne,
subtle,
elusive,
always there.
it smells like
"you’re not good enough"
and
"why would they care?"

some days i’m a ghost
calling my own name,
pressing against the glass of who i should be,
watching him live
without me.

your sticks and stones
didn't break my bones
but god, did your words hurt me

let's have a court,
the type with guns and swords
and there will be no jury

you tried so hard to be a girl, didn't you?
you tried to help them like you.
you tried to get them to stop.
you tried to keep her as your friend.
but did it help?
was it worth it?
did you succeed?
you never asked for anything.
you never asked for help.
you always pretended to be happy, even the morning after you tried to slit your throat.
you always blamed the cuts on your cat.
you stayed with the friends who manipulated you because at least you had someone.
you cried to yourself every night because of how much it hurt.
because nobody cared.
because they weren't seeing you.
you kept telling yourself
that it was almost over.
but it never was.
oh, how i wish i could go back in time and tell you
that it would get better.
that you would find people who loved you.
that you would come out,
you would cut your hair,
and you would be happy for a while.
oh, how i wish i could tell you not to trust her.
she seemed nice but she ****** us up.
oh, how i wish i could tell you
that you should have been yourself
even if they hurt you.
because it was so, so worth it in the end.
oh, how i wish i could tell you that they weren't worth your time.
that you were amazing the way you were.
that you didn't have to change yourself for them.
you had to be yourself.
the right people will come.
oh, dear younger me,
how i wish i could tell you that it gets better.

you're all ******* liars
leave me alone
why cant i have the privacy
of my own ******* home

you're all ******* liars
you let me die inside
said you'd be by my side
forever
but when i needed you most
you lied
you ******* lied

i'll never forget
the way i screamed
when i woke up and saw her note.

the moment inbetween
where i didnt know
if my only family
the only one who had loved me
was even alive.

i knew from a young age i wasn't right.
i knew my parents didn't like that.
i knew that i couldn't be as perfect as my brother.
i knew that they wouldn't accept me.

but my sister
she loved me anyways
and she tried to die.
what if she had succeeded?
what if she was gone?
what would the last 4 years have been like?
would i still even be alive?

thank god
she's still here.

if you're gonna leave me
please tell me first
they faked their love
so i guess that's why it hurts

if its all a joke
will you just tell me now?
i dont care why,
i dont care how.

if you're just the same as them
let me know.
i'll be hurt
i won't yell though

i'm sorry i'm too scared to trust you
i know its all my fault
but i would rather for you hate me
than to not care at all

i walked downstairs to my room
and cried the way i had taught myself.
curled up in a ball
tears dripping to the ground
gripping the floor
screaming
crying
yelling
but never heard.
silent.
i would never wake my family!
why, that would be mean.
so i cry.
silently.
and rip my hair out
and try not to cut
and punch the floor
and hug myself
and punch myself
and hate myself and feel so, so sorry for the little boy who had to deal with this.
for myself.
i hate this