(Went out today,
Charter boat
Trinidad Bay
Limited out on rock fish
in two hours
Watching Elks Head
from the ocean,
Grandpa)

Isadore
Called him Izzy
Chewing all day
on a fat cigar
Looked at lot like Jimmy Durante

His father stowed away on a ship
Wasn't going to be a Russian military conscript
Genocidal pogroms were coming
how he knew
we'll never know.

Ended up in Philadelphia town,
Scranton Pennsylvania

Moved along to Brooklyn
Stubby Izzy
fighting it out with the Irish immigrants
Dreaming of having a chicken farm
over there in New Jersey

Izzy met Grandma Sarah at the family clothing store
they fought it out for 70 years
The 60's book
Games People Play
They were the star attraction
The friction was the glue
that kept them together
The friction was the match
that lit their passion.

Grandpa Izzy
funniest man I ever met
Drove an old 48 Ford
selling housewares in the Southern route.
In the morning far too early
Sneaking into his room
tickling his feet to the sounds
of ohhs and hoho's

At five years old
Grandpa Izzy
took me fishing
on some New Jersey pond -
Afternoon sun with yellow colors
bringing all the foliage alive

Sun setting
fish rising
a hand held in mine
defined the peace
I seek
in reoccurring dreams through out a lifetime

A troubled teen
all suicidal
the drive in the 48 Ford
with Grandpa Izzy
running down the Malibu pier
catching the half day boat before it
disappeared

Grandpa Izzy
never lived far from a race track
I don't know about those losing days
but the secret he said
Was to never lose your sense of humor
Always be able to laugh at yourself

Izzy smoked those big old chewed cigars
lived until he was 94

Ended up not knowing
Who or where he was

Maybe we all
end up
that way too

But in my memory
there is sharp focus
he remains alive in me

If heaven is there
I know I'll find
Izzy and I
on that New Jersey pond,
a fishing line
and
peace inside.

How do I explain to people that when I say I'm tired I don't mean I'm sleepy
I mean living is exhausting and I need a break
But that's just it isn't it?
I can't explain it to anyone
No one will understand
The darkness I lost myself in has me chained and I will not fight for freedom
I'm weak and fragile
My demons refuse to let me baptize myself in the happiness that everyone seems to be drenched in
And the worst part of it all is my peers think I'm happy
They see my smile and hear my laughter
They are blinded from my trembling lips and deaf from my screams
And don't get me wrong I know I'm not the only one
But those who suffer as I am fail to realize it's not just sadness
It's so much more
It's like I'm burning alive with no one to save me
The struggle is unnoticed
And even though I have so many people who care about me I feel as if I have no one because the person I want to be here for me isn't
This battle to live when I want to die is breaking me
I only live so the one I love most won't feel alone
But that loved one fails to realize I'm suffering most
I just need the drugs and the pills
I'll spend my days smelling of ciggerates and sleep
But forever isn't promised and the bridge is sketchy
If I fall just know I held on as long as my insanity let me