went up giant land ***** thing.
had to come down.
two giant anthills:
bites = fatal

they Swarm and eat you alive

all i am is an inconvenience.
i want a gun. i want to use it.
i want to be forgotten.
i want to cut my skin off.
i want to be thin.
i want my face to bleed.
i want to feel things.
i don’t think i’m depressed.
i just want to blow my ******* brains out.
i never want to die.
i wish god was with me.
i want a bigger tv.
i want a nice house.
i want a dog.
i want people to share my life with.
i want my daydreams to come true.
i want to say what i want instead of holding myself back.
i want to be funny.
i want to be poetic.
i want to be smart.
i want elise.
i want dad.
i want the nightmares to disappear.
i want to be something instead of nothing.

i want to know what i want.
i don’t like school. i do like school.

i want a car.
i want to stop wanting.

you tug at the edges of your hips, pooling your skin in your fingers
“i feel so fat”
you say
it’s funny
i was finally getting accustomed to the idea of my own body
i’d begun to catch glimpses of myself in the mirror
no longer being completely consumed by hatred at the sight of it
now, though
accompanying you
and seeing the vast differences in size; how your body is so, so much smaller than mine
and still you hate yourself
has taught me
that i should hate mine too.

I AM FROM THE THICK GREEN OF JUNE,
From dripping honeysuckle, hanging in the air
From saturated heaven filtering into my room through sunbeams
From santeria, from today, from all of my intangible companions
I am from the people who’s hands have been bloodied piecing together my shattered fragments
And from the fingers who have played their part in breaking me
I am from nights spent painfully awake
And from the comforting burn of black coffee jumping onto my tongue
I am from two children unwilling, unable, to grow up
And I am from learning to find the child in myself that I once lost;
Through soaring down rivers of cement on a bike too big,
Or through finding the smallest of things almost too beautiful to comprehend
I am from the world in it’s entirety, and all that it has to offer me
All I am from are the people that I love
And maybe a little bit of sunshine

I WAS BORN
I CONSUMED
I DECAYED

like a flame
i ate and ate and ate
until i couldn't eat anymore

i got too full
so i hurled myself into the sky in sparks
disappearing into the oil spill night
so i might live again
in another place, in another time

it's been awhile since i drifted backwards
when you manifest again, like you always do
i feel your calloused fingers stretching, like spider legs
dangling in the back of my throat

my therapist said that it was a form of conditioning.

in 7th grade, we learned about oral ***.
sometimes, a man would fit himself into a girl's mouth
filling her and filling her and only stopping
when he was satisfied
the teacher stopped teaching in the middle of the lesson, eyes shining with apathy
"why are you crying?"
everyone looked at me.
everyone always looks.

you pulled my hair so roughly
i was only a little kid
i was only a little kid

i didn't even gag.
you tasted like cigarettes.