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Feb 2020 · 160
july 1? 2013
ari Feb 2020
went up giant land ***** thing.
had to come down.
two giant anthills:
bites = fatal

they Swarm and eat you alive
journal excerpt, from when i was 11, almost 12. 2013
Feb 2020 · 622
objects
ari Feb 2020
dewalt yellow construction stereo
marysville lumber coffee mug
plastic blue butter knife
fire
red solo cup
black metallic lantern
smoke and ash
trees towering above
red case containing coffee grounds
a blanket of sunlight
journal excerpt from 2018; i wrote a list of things around me that caught my eye
Feb 2020 · 219
i want.
ari Feb 2020
all i am is an inconvenience.
i want a gun. i want to use it.
i want to be forgotten.
i want to cut my skin off.
i want to be thin.
i want my face to bleed.
i want to feel things.
i don’t think i’m depressed.
i just want to blow my ******* brains out.
i never want to die.
i wish god was with me.
i want a bigger tv.
i want a nice house.
i want a dog.
i want people to share my life with.
i want my daydreams to come true.
i want to say what i want instead of holding myself back.
i want to be funny.
i want to be poetic.
i want to be smart.
i want elise.
i want dad.
i want the nightmares to disappear.
i want to be something instead of nothing.

i want to know what i want.
i don’t like school. i do like school.

i want a car.
i want to stop wanting.
journal excerpt from 2017; when i was 16.
Feb 2020 · 62
insecurity
ari Feb 2020
you tug at the edges of your hips, pooling your skin in your fingers
“i feel so fat”
you say
it’s funny
i was finally getting accustomed to the idea of my own body
i’d begun to catch glimpses of myself in the mirror
no longer being completely consumed by hatred at the sight of it
now, though
accompanying you
and seeing the vast differences in size; how your body is so, so much smaller than mine
and still you hate yourself
has taught me
that i should hate mine too.
this is not anyone’s fault. just an unfortunate circumstance
Aug 2019 · 151
homesick
ari Aug 2019
I AM FROM THE THICK GREEN OF JUNE,
From dripping honeysuckle, hanging in the air
From saturated heaven filtering into my room through sunbeams
From santeria, from today, from all of my intangible companions
I am from the people who’s hands have been bloodied piecing together my shattered fragments
And from the fingers who have played their part in breaking me
I am from nights spent painfully awake
And from the comforting burn of black coffee jumping onto my tongue
I am from two children unwilling, unable, to grow up
And I am from learning to find the child in myself that I once lost;
Through soaring down rivers of cement on a bike too big,
Or through finding the smallest of things almost too beautiful to comprehend
I am from the world in it’s entirety, and all that it has to offer me
All I am from are the people that I love
And maybe a little bit of sunshine
everything means so much to me all the time
Jul 2018 · 189
royale with cheese
ari Jul 2018
I WAS BORN
I CONSUMED
I DECAYED

like a flame
i ate and ate and ate
until i couldn't eat anymore

i got too full
so i hurled myself into the sky in sparks
disappearing into the oil spill night
so i might live again
in another place, in another time
couldn't think of a name lol. i'm watching pulp fiction, so you know, it just came up. we are just like fire, aren't we? we require oxygen, we grow,, consume and eventually...falter. decay
Jul 2018 · 1.5k
csa.
ari Jul 2018
it's been awhile since i drifted backwards
when you manifest again, like you always do
i feel your calloused fingers stretching, like spider legs
dangling in the back of my throat

my therapist said that it was a form of conditioning.

in 7th grade, we learned about oral ***.
sometimes, a man would fit himself into a girl's mouth
filling her and filling her and only stopping
when he was satisfied
the teacher stopped teaching in the middle of the lesson, eyes shining with apathy
"why are you crying?"
everyone looked at me.
everyone always looks.

you pulled my hair so roughly
i was only a little kid
i was only a little kid

i didn't even gag.
you tasted like cigarettes.
i wish i could go back to therapy.
Jul 2018 · 1.3k
external relations
ari Jul 2018
the sink is full of my blood and spit
it coalesces and swells into the drain and down into a network of rusted pipes
never to be seen again
its so odd
i release bits of myself into the void
and it's never registered to me before
the organic matter that composites my body, my self
is always in various forms returning to the atmosphere
whether it be my skin cells flaking away from my fingertips
or my blood and spit
disappearing down into a metal case dug deep into the earth
i am constantly becoming apart of everything
but it doesn't scare me
i actually find it rather inviting
just thinkin. lol
Jun 2018 · 1.3k
luke
ari Jun 2018
slowly forms the phantom
expanding and consuming
it drips all over me
looming

tender and mundane
the specter merges
flesh collides with flesh
warm and foreign

unconsciously summoning the tides
suffocating, they sweep you under
and you wonder
what it was you did
to deserve it

this bed is empty
i think it was something i said
the breakup suite - duster
May 2018 · 144
5/9/18
ari May 2018
I AM SUCH AN ABSOLUTE BURDEN
TO THOSE WHO WILLINGLY CARRY ME ATOP THEIR SHOULDERS,
I ADORE YOU BEYOND ALL BELIEF
FOR YOUR SELFLESSNESS,
AND ALL ENCOMPASSING STRENGTH
I KNOW I REQUIRE SO MUCH
AND I KNOW THAT IT ISN'T EASY
SO THANK YOU
FOR LOVING ME
NONETHELESS
I OWE YOU THE WHOLE WORLD
AND ONLY GOD CAN STOP ME FROM TRYING TO RETRIEVE IT
thank you for helping me grow
Jan 2018 · 147
7/9/16
ari Jan 2018
all we are is movement

all our thoughts are fluid

I’m shoving pepper into my mouth
To ease the doubt

I'm feeling plagued
eh. whatever
Jan 2018 · 4.6k
rise
ari Jan 2018
my heart reveals it’s filmy halo
from underneath a blanket of snow
what blooms for now
you will never know
for you buried me here
laid me soft and slow
to rot and reprieve
i will not cease to glow
i have made this pit you dug
my home
my home
my home
this is about my trauma. it's been difficult trying to overcome the abuse i have endured but i've finally reached a place where i feel at peace with it. so, take it.
Jan 2018 · 228
it will be alright
ari Jan 2018
A hole had opened up in the universe
It’s guts spilling out and piling around
Reach down and hold the contents in your palm
Take a bite
The warmth keeps you calm
Although a terrifying sight to see
You might find solace somewhere underneath
i woke up @ 2am and wrote this, im not entirely sure of what it means
Jan 2018 · 138
7pm
ari Jan 2018
7pm
when my heart is heaviest in my chest

and against the bones of my rib cage i can feel it weighing, it rests

the trees stand tallest

and the sky glows greenest

i never was alone

there’s a little bit of home that i carry

wherever i may go
:-)
Jan 2018 · 646
joel
ari Jan 2018
I will lay my hands on you as you have laid yours on me
I will bury my fingers deep into your flesh and pick apart your bones
I will come into your house, your home
And pelt you with stones
I will make you bleed
The desire to harm you
To see your face contort in pain
Isn’t a common thing for me
How does it feel?
a letter to my abuser
Jan 2018 · 122
homesick for july
ari Jan 2018
Everything was drenched in color
So saturated
Like an old tv
I could pick out the pixels in the sky
It couldn’t decide
Whether it was blue yellow or green

So it would seem

The world had been made for me
Jan 2018 · 438
9/21
ari Jan 2018
a trip to the waterpark

stand under a cluster of metal limbs

A giant bucket filled to its brim

finally tips

It cascades unelegantly down on our tiny heads

like the hand of god

Holding us down and pulling us up

A cleanse-

It felt good
Jan 2018 · 120
summer
ari Jan 2018
in june i begin again

my eyes feel thick in my head

and my guts are buzzing

i just want to go to bed
too tired
Jan 2018 · 139
live
ari Jan 2018
Warm maroon flowing through me like fuel

It’s just blood but it feels like love

And it burns

I dedicate it to my friends,

I dedicate it to my future, and my death

I will continue to feel so fully

Even after the world I now know comes to an end

It is all I am

And all that I will always be
idk
Jan 2018 · 138
mel
ari Jan 2018
mel
arrows piercing a snowbank

and staining the stars red

painful; like all the words

that neither of us said

soon the metal will rust

and the blood will crust over

the snow will melt away

but the hearts of steel embedded in the mud

will remain
miss u
#ex
Jan 2018 · 153
sweet tooth
ari Jan 2018
i am so much

my wings unfurl and spread

these thoughts swirl too fast in my head

to process

the factory of blood pumping in my chest

takes care of the rest

green thickens and fills

outside my window the world stands still

i am soaring
i'm falling in love with being alive
Jan 2018 · 134
you are real
ari Jan 2018
resting on a rainbow

the days forget to flow

watering the seeds

that will become your wings

because for you

time is too slow

so make it your own
:-)

— The End —