I wish that I told you I loved you,

I wish I told you how beautiful you were,
and how youre smile created whole new worlds,

I wish I told you that you saved my life,

I wish I could've saved yours,

I wish love were enough because you would've lived forever,

I am forever wishing for more time with you,
so I could call you mine,
press pause on life and never leave the bubble we created.

Even though my heart still beats the hurt through my veins,
All we can do is try and try again.
The sun whispers in to my skin;
"Everything will be okay,
Today is a new day."

“What does alcohol taste like?”

It depends on why you are drinking
Sometimes it tastes of love
Sometimes it tastes of regret

She was like a hurricane
And I so wanted to get caught up in the storm
To catch a true view of her beauty, all her horror
I wanted to feel my bones break and my heart fall apart from her love
Because it will be worth it
Oh god I loved her
But when the storm is gone
What is left?

I just want to be with you,
just hold you,
kiss you,
bury my head in the crook of your neck,
rest my head on your chest,
and fall asleep to the beat of your heart,
feel the warmth of your skin.
I just want you
but I couldn’t be further away from you
and the distance kills me.

I always wanted to change the world
but the world ended up changing me
and though my thoughts and memories haunt me
at least they keep me company

My whole body aches
sadness seeps into my bones
and crawls into the cracks of my veins
and trapped in my body it remains

You started a fire in me
and now all is left is decay
because when a glass heart beats
it shatters

I have knives dancing on my tongue
and i have a tendency to spit them out
pass me the poison
ill try and drown them out

So i'll drink whiskey as bitter as me
do drugs to feel something
ill do anything to escape the reality
that in life you have all or nothing.

i remember the first time i injected it,
i swore my veins turned neon,
suddenly i was seeing ultraviolet,
my body melted into the earth,
the soil became my bones,
the whole world spun and glowed,
and i knew nothing would ever feel this good again,
and now when i inject it,
all i get is relief,
that i finally found something to stop my cold sweats,
my shaking hands,
my racing mind,
me.

the world just seems prettier with neon in my veins.

the world is easier to deal with when my veins are glowing.

I have been writing for years,
and recently I’ve been reading all my old poems,
and all I’ve realised,
is that nothing has changed.
Nothing ever will.

Breathe,
Look at the sky,
Feel the dust settle,
Feel the wind between your fingerprints.
Life hurts,
But I'd never give up this earth,
When right now,
It is turning for me.

how could somebody's eyes,
hold so many seasons.

Depression is like punching waves
You keep hitting and hitting
But the waves keep coming
You look up and see the entire ocean waging against you
Like god created a storm just for you  
And then you become tired
And then you start to drown under the never ending cycle of waves

She was like art in a museum;
so beautiful to look at,
but you could never get close enough to touch
too fragile...

You became my sunshine
during my everlasting winter
I can feel my ice thaw away
as i fall in love with you more everyday

Dances in the kitchen at 3:43 AM,
Water fights in the garden,
Kisses in the sheets,
Holding hands in the streets,
Listening to each others heartbeat,
Till we fall sleep,
Baking competitions,
And awful song renditions,
Late night stargazing,
Singing in the raining.
Love has never felt so sweet.

this disease has rotted my brain,
tore out my flesh,
paralysed my muscles.
it's made my body corpse
and i'm trapped in this coffin,
running out of oxygen,
waiting for my heart to stop beating,
but i think i've already died.

"Did you ever love me?
It's okay if it's a no
I've suffered a lot worse than lost words
It's just i have memories that are blurred
of a time when you were soft
and your words weren't slurred
but now the memories seem like a song
from a song bird
that has been left unheard
or stars that cowered in the dark night sky
So did you ever love me?
because i know i loved you"

He remained silent
turned his back
and i had my answer
the sky was starless after all
I remember running from you
when your eyes turned black with fury
and your tongue dripped poison with every word
and sometimes i feel like i'm still running

You remain in my shadows

I don't want to be me anymore,
But I don't want to be anything.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore

Would it be alright?
If I was to fall in love with you

You were my safe place
you wrapped yourself around me
like a blanket

but then you started to choke me
and even though you've now let go
I'm still suffocating.

I knew the moment I started falling
That you could never catch me
My burdens were to heavy
I just didn’t realise that the crash
Would hurt so much

I don't think I expected it to hurt this much,
but god does this hurt.
I hope you don't hurt too.

I wish I could love you,
The way you deserve to be loved.

you were my forbidden fruit
and though i knew you were a sin
i just couldn't resist you
and if heaven never lets me in
i'll be okay knowing i had you

I never was fast enough to outrun you,
I can still feel your claws in my ankles,
Like chains,
that I'm trying to cut through,
But I'm left tangled,
The pain beating through my veins.
I think I've gone insane,
Where is my brain?
Look at how I've grown,
Into this hurricane.

Why do I feel shame for what I sold,
And you feel none for what you bought?

It's hard to think about my future,
When I'm trapped in my past,
Screaming for some freedom,
But no-one can help me,
I am the one with the keys.

I feel like you’re always behind me,
following me,
whispering down my neck,
crawling into my spine,
digging through my flesh.
How am I supposed to get rid of you,
when you’ve become part of me?

I don't think I can rebuild myself again
Not with tearing everything down,
And still the cracks will scream and shout
"I am still here"

Sometimes I question if this is all real,
because how can anything hurt so much?
How could I feel so numb too?

Maybe it's easier to believe it's real,
that there's a point to our suffering.
We constantly fear being insignificant in a infinite world,
but I believe we are much more powerful than we could ever know.

Hey.
It's been a while since I wrote to you.
I wonder if you are still listening.
I wonder if you ever were.
I miss you.
Sometimes I think I see you.
Or I hear you.
Like your ghost was visiting to remind me of you.
If it wasn't for the messages I would've doubted you were real.
But you were real.
You were here.
I loved you.
I love you.
But my love couldn't fly 3692 miles to see you.
Wipe your tears and hold you close.
And your ashes were whisked away by the sky.
You always did wish you could fly.
I think a part of me died with you.
I can feel the parts of me that have rotted.
But though my lungs heave and ache without you,
And my body is weighted with guilt,
I am happy.
I knew you.
I knew every part of you.
That was an honour I'll never get again.
I wonder what you'd be like now,
17 years old and finally free?
Maybe you'd be happy.
Happy with me.
Maybe.
This might be last one.
At some point I have to move on.
Sometimes it feels like I caught the bullet,
Of the gun you shot.
I think it's time I let it heal.
I hope things are good now.
I hope you are better.
I just wanted  to say I still think of you.
I always will.

Yours sincerely,
x

today I felt sad,
so today I took a pill,
and my sadness turned into a dull numbness,
and sometimes the pill makes me laugh,
and either way it protects me from my thoughts that haunt,
but now it’s wearing off,
and I’m sad,
so I will take another pill.

and the cycle is never ending.

you tell me to speak my,
whilst stitching my lips together,
and then ask why my screams are so muffled.

I just want my skin to feel like mine again

you keep looking at me like i'm someone else,
but i'll pretend its me you're looking at,
or that i'm the person you want me to be,
it hurts too much to shut my eyes.

It's sadistic,
but it helps to know you hurt too.
My heart pleads to curl up in your arms,
cry until I can't breathe.

But instead I kiss you.
I need a relief from the maelstrom in my head,
a release of tension in my chest.

I expect you to push me off,
tell me to leave,
but you don't.
Your grip tightens.
I guess you never thought you'd have this again,
have me.

I want to claw at my chest,
give you my heart and show you,
that the scars have already formed your name.
It's yours now,
it always was and always will be.

I know its tattered and bruised,
weak and unused,
abused and confused,
but will you keep it with you?

I know in the morning I will see my marks on your neck,
and want to rip off your clothes and start all over again,
or worst kiss them better.
This was a mistake,
but I don't regret it one bit.

Our love was like a fruit
Started of so sweet and so soft
But as it aged, it rotted and died
Leaving only a sour taste in my mouth

i knew the moment you messaged me,
that my heart was on a noose,
and with every message you sent,
the closer i got to the edge.
i don't mind my lungs bleeding,
if they're bleeding for you.

Rain pours like acid from the sky
I let you crawl inside my chest
when you were tired and needed to rest
but then you clawed your way out
and now there's nothing but emptiness
A bird without a nest
My bones are heavy
My lungs heaving
It shouldn't be so hard to be breathing
but your absence wraps around me like a noose
Will your suffocating grip ever become loose?

thankyou for making me feel something
i just wish it was less painful

I hope you know that,
you're the prettiest sight,
I have ever seen.

The words are foreign in my mouth,
They should feel like home,
Maybe I’ll be homeless forever.

I swear love was never supposed to hurt like this

"It's just a dance. What are you afraid of?"
She whispers into my ear.
I look into those damning, starry night eyes,
Feel the flames lick my body where her hands lay on my back.
"I'm scared the flames will burn too harshly, or that when the fire is put out all that will remain is the rubble of a broken heart."
I think to myself.
But then she slowly spins me around,
And I feel naked under her gaze,
And I couldn't care less.
The fear of never having you is larger than the burn you will leave behind.

How cruel of my heart,
to fall for someone,
that is in love with another,
but to still love them,
as if they were mine to love.

it hurts too much to remember you as a person,
so now i remember you as all the words i wrote about you,
the words i wrote for you,
and now it feels your existence will be forever tattooed onto my body,
in pretty words and stanzas full of love,
when nothing about us was pretty,
and nothing about what we had was love.

I've been thinking lately
about the life we never had
full of playground swings
and joyful things
and how all i wanted was that

I've been thinking lately
about the kids we never were
the kids i'll never have
the love we never gave
is the love we never had

I've been thinking lately
about my greatest fear
maybe its becoming you
maybe its being nowhere near

when I was younger,
i envisioned a future of makeup,
femininity, pretty dresses and falling in love.
drinking, partying and running through the fields of youth.

but here i am,
crawling into my sheets
crying all hours
and nothing about me is pretty,
i am not loved
i am not running through fields of youth,
im running from them
and they were always faster than me.

When you can’t catch your breath
I’ll lend you the oxygen out of my chest
I would take apart my heart
If it helped yours to beat
But you like her and I can’t compete

Karma chased me,
ripped off my legs so I could no longer run from my mistakes.
Karma burnt me,
and now I scream in pain for all the pain I've caused.
Karma hurt me,
but I guess I deserved it.

Did you mean to steal my heart?
My freedom?
My happiness?
Was the urge to much?
The need to watch me misjudge,
What I thought was love.

You stole everything I had
and ran.
I haven't seen you since.