men in my family age into monsters
with calloused hands, callous words, and cold shoulders
sometimes i can feel my lungs cloud with the smoke i've been fed from birth
and i just want to let it fill me
i've been keeping carefully in a cage for so long
but sometimes i wish the scream would tear me up
roughen up my polished parts and spit my senses
let me be angry without tears, without guilt
my teeth are too sharp in my mouth, my head is too heavy
let me tear it all to pieces and ruin me
i have tried so hard not to be another monster but god sometimes i want to be
stupid, sick, and angry
if i am made of thorns and silver then let me be sharp and deadly
i am a fire by nature and warm by choice
but hell, do i want to devour
and hell do i want to become

there's something bitterly comedic about seeing you talk about trauma
like you're the victim of something great,
like you're holding all these secrets in those big, wretched, calloused hands i feel in my darkest nightmares.
poor baby, poor teddy,
oh brother,
do you feel small?
and did i feel small, hiding in closets, or under that loft bed?
under that same loft bed. hand made, white painted wood,
heart-shaped pillow, lavender dollhouse,
quiet games,
dead childhood,
stolen innocence.
come to me, cry to me,
you just lost your girlfriend,
you just lost your job,
your life all fell apart
and i am soothing you through gritted teeth
remembering how you ruined mine before it even had the chance to start.
they say
i know you don't like him but you must love him.
i wonder if blood is still blood once you've drawn it?
and i still feel like i owe it to you.
it was us against this whole dark world that left us
but you were supposed to protect me.
i should have been playing with toys,
but i was the toy.
when we went hungry i was the raw meat in your mouth.
you starved for anything you could tear into, cut up, make a mess of.
we had that holes in our couch, holes in my childhood,
"you're not on my hit list yet,"
"i'm just checking up on you" kinda brotherly love that is swept so neatly under the rug until it eats right through the floorboards.
i try to will those gaps back in my memory.
it would be so much easier if i just swallowed it right up dry, choked it down, let it digest, let it melt away to a stomach ache so i don't have to think about you.
i will scrub my skin raw at the end of this scream,
try to wash you off of me,
but this has been embedded deep in my skin for so long,
too long-
can you tell me when it started?
honest to god i don't remember.
what was it about me, soft face, soft limbs, empty mouth that made you want to hurt me?
my earliest memories exist in haunting.
my formative years are a poltergeist, you are the evil thing inside of me.
and so you come to me with stories and expect sympathy,
And i will hold my tongue in my mouth lest i feel enough like a wounded animal to try eating you alive,
pretending the iron taste of blood that floods my mouth is yours,
that i am as strong and metallic.

and unknowingly you've opened a ****** wound
now i'm tripping over old words, old feelings
god i've been looking the other way for so long
and with a simple suggestion, you've turned my gaze
and so the the image is burned into my eyes, the thought will never leave my mind
could we? could we? would it be okay? would it work this time?
is this what life has planned for us? is this the reason my heart still sings?
i want to put a cap on that bottle, set it on the shelf
but now i know the pressure will just keep building

some days i just bury myself so deep underground
it seems the dark is all that's there for me
you know how hard i try to be strong
but there are days where i just can't be
forgive me if i don't dig you out
but i am six feet underground
i will keep digging, say
i am not allowed to feel this way
but i cannot force that smile today
say,
it's best i go away, say
i deserve this for my lack of strength
i so often forgot that i am a tool to be used
i am just the shovel underground
i am meant to lift the dirt, not get buried

How do I turn it off? How much of me is fake?
How do I know when the light is artificial,
When the energy I exude is the last?
I am always going until I stop full-force.
I am a chaotic ambivert.
I need you and need you and need you and need space,
I need time, I need room to breathe,
But smother me.
I need to be out, I need to be living, I need to experience,
But please don't get angry when I shut up in my room.
I will certainly be silent for some time.
It's all apart of my confused cycle.
I want to be here for you, I want to be with you, I want to talk to you all the time, but please, let me be alone for a while.
I need to be surrounded, I need to isolate, I need you to sit quietly next to me.
I don't know what I need.
I don't know which part of me is the front.
I don't know how much of me is a defense mechanism.
Every time I think I'm past these walls, I run into another.
I want to love you with all my honest being, but I don't really know who I am.
It's hard to strip down to your bare skin when you've spent your whole life in costume.
Is this me or the mask I wear?
Is any of me real?

we exist together in this time and space
we laugh, we cry, we love, we fight,
we do all of it holding hands
and we never let go

i just want to experience it all with you
i want to kiss your cheek in the morning and hold you close at night
dance in the kitchen, sit in the quiet, clean up the messes we've made
all of it, i want you,
good and bad, highs and lows
every moment spent in your presence is precious
every time i get to breathe the same air as you i rejoice
you make me happier than i could have ever imagined
i'm so proud and honored to be your boy

let's just do it all together
cute dates and mundane
i'll kiss you at the top of the ferris wheel
at the foot of the stairs
i'll kiss you any time i see you and remember how wonderful you are
and how thankful i am for your warmth
i love you, in grassy parks and empty parking lots, in fairgrounds and grocery stores, in candlelight and the early light of morning and in every silent hour of the night
to the moon and back and beyond, through every plane of existence, in this life and the next

y'know i really do try my best
and the crashes are a shock to my system
suddenly we're back here again, try to fight the wires in my skin, try to feel alive and real and human
i need you to be with me though this
please
when i am with you through everything
can't you stand by me this once