13.20 ♡ pt. i

you know that pain when you love someone so much, it physically hurts in your chest to be apart from them.

there are moments you wish they didn’t do things that made you the happiest person alive, so maybe it wouldn’t hurt as much being away from them.

but you don’t wish that, instead you welcome and take in every emotion that comes to you. because that’s what makes you human. because being able to feel those emotions means that you once experienced a very special and significant moment in your life.

yes, there may be aching to missing someone you love so much, but being able to say that you’ve missed that person should be taken as a positive way sometimes. because you got the opportunity to have them in your life, even if it was only for a little while.

i am beyond thankful
i am the happiest
all because of you

What if we're just a gap to fill the emptiness of a person?
A gap that will make them feel like a whole again
A gap to fill in for someone because another human being had tore them apart
And so they feel nothing but numbness because the other has left and has took their heart with them
A gap so they wouldn't feel lonely or abandoned
A gap that makes us feel like we're being used, so that the other person would feel better about themselves
A gap that someone has replaced us with because they've got plans that weren't fulfilled with another

And so I think
Maybe we do these things too
We have this gap that needs to be filled in
So that life wouldn't be so bad as it seems
Maybe we might be using another to get over someone else
Or a gap to be able to move on
But this gap, something that helps us not feel so alone in this world
We all do it and we all have it
And that's just the cycle of life

So what if you're just a gap to someone else?
Maybe they're just a gap to you too?
But it's scary to think sometimes that you might just be a gap for that person, so that they wouldn't feel empty
But that person isn't just a gap to you, they actually make you feel like a whole
And so we move on with life and find someone else to fill in that gap because of the pain of another individual brought upon us

When a wave of sadness, the tides of hopelessness, thunder of my regrets and a loud sound reminding me of my mistakes.
A storm is about to happen and I feel myself getting sea sick.
As always, I hope to survive another hurricane where all my flaws and insecurities collide all at once.

I am sailing through the ocean,  where my destination is finding genuine love and happiness. A place where it may not even exist. I am like a pirate looking for treasure throughout all these years, only to find out that there was no treasure to begin with in the first place.

I sense the disappointment all around me on the sea shore and I swear my tears is as deep as the ocean. And if you ever get to swim through it, you might see my tragic past and sorrows. It remains floating on the ocean waiting for it to wash over me.

According to the world book of record, the strongest person in the world is someone who can lift the heaviest weight.
In my opinion, I think it is someone who wakes up every morning and smiles everyday even though everything else in their lives is in shambles.
I think it is those immigrants who starts up a new life from scratch to be able to provide a future for their family.
It is the soldiers' who leave their love ones behind to protect their country.
It is the people who have lost a loved one, to be able to move on from such a tragic moment in their life.
It is the people who have poverty, who is doing their best to survive and make a living.
It is the people who face racism and judgment, for they have this amazing persona to tolerate ignorant people.
Someone who has mental illness and is looking for ways to be happy.
It is those people have experienced horrific and catastrophic situations such as: bombings, terrorism, natural disasters, genocide, etc.
Their innocence and hope for humanity has been washed away.
The people who face struggle and difficulty everyday of their lives, but manages to stand and look at the world with no fear.
I acknowledge their strength and their courage.
I think that these type of people are the strongest and no book could every list them all.
Through the rough times, you get stronger everyday and that makes you as strong as the person who could life the biggest weight in the world.

My dream was like a blur
It has become something that was out of my reach.
It was like those nights where I cannot remember anything
For I have drowned myself in alcohol that tasted like failure and disappointment.
With the amount of ***** I have consumed
I have damaged my liver
Just like how every friendship and relationship I've ever encountered with.
And all those blunts that I was smoking made me think deeply that my dream was just a silly, foolish dream.
I laughed so hard at the thought of me having a purpose in this life
When everything I touched turned into fire.
And maybe that is why I turned to drugs and alcohol so the only person I'll be damaging is myself.
In that moment I could feel the ambiance of my dream fading and I could feel detachment within my own soul.
It is crying out loud to get out of me
Isn't that such a tragic thing when even your own self is tired of you.

But then a euphoric light happened
This corner inside my mind with such a soft, quiet voice showed me a glimpse of my hopes and dreams that I thought was long gone.
In that little tiny hope and a voice that has calling me for a while, I didn't hear or notice it for the days I was intoxicated and high.
It has made its calling
In that moment I found myself wishful thinking.
Which I haven't done in so long
Ever since I started to believe in myself again,
My dream wasn't so blur and I think that I could reach it within my palm.
I know that I could reach my full potential
This time, this time I know I'm going the right path
I was lost and got off track.
Now I'm going on my own pace and I guess you have to lose yourself to find what it is you want and know that you deserve the best.
I've found my purpose. I am acknowledging my worth and my dream is so bright and clear, ready to burst out of me to share to the world.
I never thought I'd unravel this part of me.
But I am so very glad that I am slowly but surely loving myself more to be the best that I can be.

heartbreak is a feeling I don't ever want to feel again.
heartbreak is abandoned, betrayal, uncared for, forgotten, misunderstood,  depression, physically and mentally hurt
all at the same time
it's like someone stabbing your heart multiple times
someone ripping out your lungs and you won't be able to breathe
getting your ribs opened and broken
every part of you won't be able to move
your hands shaking
your legs trembling and forgetting how to walk
your body is numbed
your brain only has thoughts of hopelessness
your heart, your precious and fragile heart
is shattered into pieces that will take a long time to reform to its old self again
heartbreak is a mixture of breakdowns and wanting to sleep for eternity
it's when even in your dreams you find yourself crying
cause the pain is just too real and too much to handle
and when someone is asking you if you're alright, you can't even speak for it seems like he took all your words away from you, even the words "I'm fine" he took that too and you can't lie or hide away your feelings from anyone anymore cause they see right through you
I made myself feel all these emotions for a boy and then the next thing is I got my heartbroken
it all happened so fast and I still don't know how it went downhill
but if I could and trust me I would absolutely trade that heartbreak in a millisecond with no hesitation
after a few weeks I've started to express my feelings to a few people
and of course at that time I still felt so much sadness in me
I remember saying "it's the remembering, the memories, all these little things you know about them will be in your thoughts even if you try so hard to hide them away there will be times where something will remind you of that person..." trying to not to feel the depth of what I said back then, I couldn't and I promised myself I wouldn't get that low ever again
I think about it now that heartbreak helped me grow as a person and truly made me realize my worth
I guess you have to go through the lows to enjoy the high.

It has been six months till I last saw you
Six months till we were breathing the same air
Whenever we were together you somehow always left me breathless
Now that you're gone I feel like I don't even know how to breathe
Even though I've been doing that for the last eighteen years of my life
Whenever I look at the sky it reminds me of you
The stars resembles your eyes
Twinkling and shining
The cotton candy sunsets reminds me whenever you blushed about something I said
And the thing is I will never get tired of seeing the sunset even though I've seen one a million times, just like how I'll never get tired of you
I wanted to tell you this but the other day I went to the beach and I saw the water and the sky touched
For a minute there I felt your presence
I felt you there with me
Us holding hands
Together
I'm not sure where this poem is going but I am hoping it would lead me to you
I hope that for a mere moment we were both looking at the same sky
And I wouldn't feel so alone all the time

If you were a museum you'd be a gallery of new beginnings and hopeful dreams
A masterpiece of an unforgettable smile and dazzling eyes
You're the type of art that will touch people's soul by just looking at you
Some may be puzzled and may not be able to understand you
But there will be people who will appreciate and comprehend what you were trying to paint
You're the kind of art that has your mother's brilliant mind and your father's defined looks
Both a deadly combination
For you are the off spring to carry on your parents' goal
Your words are poetry filled with sincerity and wisdom
Your lovely face and cheerful personality makes people drawn to you
But you are still learning, everyday
Trying to draw out the biggest and most amazing masterpiece there is
You are still trying to find your muse and your inspiration
Little did you know that you are your own muse
That is why your art is pure and raw and real because it comes from within your soul
Your art is spreading love and kindness throughout others
And through years of being painters block or writers block
You've managed to block out the negativity and spread out the positivity
Because if you were a museum your artwork would be filled of a promising future and lively dreams
For you carry the genes of your mom's sadness and recklessness
And your dad's happy attitude and cautiousness
Maybe that's why you've always been reserved and detached which makes you woe
But I hope one day you open your museum that is your heart to share your art to others and let them in so that you could seek happiness and this adventurous side of you that has been hidden all these years
Because you yourself is the most beautiful piece of art work that is yet to be discovered.

In times of trouble and struggle,
I pray to God to send me an angel to watch over me
He did that before I was even born into this world
Before I even asked him to do so
It took me a long time to realize that I was my very own angel
I was the angel who picked up the pieces every time life knocked me over and it was my own wings that I was able to fly and my own two feet to stand up again every single time I stumbled down
My wings are made from the perseverance and the things I've endured
God made me as my own angel because he knew that I was out of this world and destined for greatness
My halo glows and shines brighter each time I go through hardship
That itself makes me a stronger person than ever
God believed that I could guide myself through whenever I got lost
Cause sometimes angels often wander around the world,
Flying through cities and countries
But he always believed angels knew how to make their way back
Sometimes they just have to get lost to be able to learn more of themselves
I believe this to be true because whenever life puts you through a tough time who is the one that heals the wounds? It's you.
For I believe that others can't truly help you, if you aren't making any effort to helping yourself
So if you ever feel like you're failing and everything is falling
apart
And I know there will be times where you think you can't survive another heartache
But you've got wings and you can soar through this pain and yes you will get over this misery
Every time you are ever to spread those wings, it means you are still very much alive and you were able to cope from all of that
With that much confidence in yourself, no demon would ever try to come near you because they know what you are capable of
Don't let the sadness consume you, happiness and smiles is much greater and better
Trust me seeing the smile of angel is truly what God has sent from above

You are an angel for yourself and as well for others, you might not even know it. I know the path isn't always smooth, I know you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. Remember you have a halo to help you see through darkness. Your wings to help you back up. Don't think low of yourself because you are of God's beautiful creations.

Quite a number of people have told me that the people I meet in my teenage years, especially in high school will just be temporary people in my life. That I will get attached to them, make bonds, share memories and that I will feel miserable when they walk out of my life. They said "they come and they go."

I didn't think this would actually happen to me in reality, I thought what they had told me just a myth. Some sort of fairy tale that cease to exist. Until I had graduated and realized who I still remained friends with and whom I do not associate myself with anymore.

Some friendships I didn't feel as much of them walking out on me, but there were certain people whom I deeply felt so much agony when they left me with no goodbye, no explanation and no closure what so ever. There were also friendships that I was so relieved that I didn't have to talk and deal with them in my life again.

So to the ones who had caused me pain and left me in the rough times and to I had thought that I would remain friends with for a very long time: you didn't deserve to know important pieces of me. It's your lost for not being to see me grow into this beautiful butterfly who is able to fly and spread her wings that is filled with so much love and joy. Too bad you couldn't see me grow a garden that is made up of all the aspects of me both the good and bad. Because you only saw my flaws and not see my blooming personality, which have charmed a whole new people and they bring out they best in me. You did not deserve to see me paint the sky with my amazing smile, but that is alright cause I've got people now who watch over me and they couldn't be more proud of me. To anyone who feels or felt the same, don't you ever say to yourself they didn't want to keep you around, say you are the greatest piece of art no museum could ever compare and they never got to keep you.

I think that the scent of a blunt all over me will always remind me on those late nights and early mornings we spent on the rooftop of a building, you rolling a joint and we're smoking it up until our lungs gave up on us. It will remind me every time people hot box a room and it is filled up with smoke and in those smoke clouds I will forever see you lighting up that blunt and you give me that smile in your face and you offer me some. I might just be hallucinating with the fact that your face is still clear but everything in my surrounding is becoming a blur. Whenever I see a person about to light up with a spliff, my mind wanders off and looks for you even if you aren't there in the very moment. Pretty sure this has become your signature scent because no matter what I end up thinking about you. Some people may not be able to appreciate and cannot withstand of how it smells, but to me it means everything. Cause with the months of hanging out together I've learned to love it and I know whenever I am with you I breathe in the smell of happiness, because with you that is what I truly feel. With all the memories shared and made, I learned to have a liking for this scent and this is how I've also learned how to love you. I got to know that this is how you sometimes coped with problems, how you bonded with friends, and how you spent your free time. Hence to when I smell a blunt it reminds me of home and your sweet embrace, for you are my home and your arms is where I feel most safe. The hours between 1 am to 4 am have never felt so high and amazing and it is truly an amazing feeling. A connection I've never had with anyone before. I smile when I get to smell a blunt because the thought of you brings joy in my life and I hope that I'll never lose my home.

For the weeks you aren't feeling yourself, the hours you spend with anxiety, the months that you've been stressing, the years of hating you, the  days you're just out of the blue, here is a reminder to you:

You are a ******* queen doesn't matter who you are, you've built yourself a castle with all the struggles and pain life has thrown at you. Every time the universe hands you heartache you have manage to stand up no matter how much torture it was, you made yourself stronger than ever before. You started like a seed, then growing into roots and every single time anyone has ever misunderstood and underestimated you, you've grown into this big beautiful tree. So I hope you know you can build an entire forest with your self confidence and self love and once you learn to fully love you and be content with your own being, you wouldn't want to be anyone else but yourself. So remember this you are the sunflower in a garden filled with roses and tulips, you aren't just a fish in the sea you are the whole **** sea. You aren't just a star in the sky, you are the whole galaxy. There's more to you than shining bright and looking lovely, you are capable of being both the moon and the sun. For you work so hard day and night. Only you has truly known the battle of facing your demons, you have stood up and saved yourself from that misery and toxic. So next time you ever feel bad for yourself over things and people who do you no good and does not help you with your mental growth, I hope you know you are royalty and you shouldn't ever have to settle for less than you deserve. Your self worth and value is so important, I hope with all my heart that you don't let people walk all over you. Please take time for yourself and get a break from people once in a while, so you could fully appreciate and adapt to loving yourself and your own company.

I hope by the end of this poem you realized that you've got potential to turn into an amazing human being. I wish one day that your self-esteem is as high as the tallest tower in the world and that your journey will be as smooth as the ocean. It will be a long way to be there but it's a trip of a lifetime, with stories about sorrow and happiness. And no one in the world could ever paint, draw, or write everything you have experienced. Your story and your presence is worth than anything.

Someone asked me what it was like loving you
I said it was like loving a hurricane
You came unexpectedly in my life
I got no warning or signs that you were on your way to me
You were this beautiful spiral disaster
Who was out of control and a complete mess when we met
You were like a carefree child who had no care at all at the world
But you didn't know the damage that you have done
I knew from the start that you were messy and complicated
I guess that's what attracted me to you
I have this thing where I want to fix things and people
But all you did was destroy everything
Everything that I ever put all my effort into
And in the process you destroyed me too
I thought I could be the one to help you
Help you manage your anger and your fears
And bring the sunshine in you
Because I know that you wouldn't be like a hurricane without any reasons or cause behind it
Throughout the time of getting to know you
I've seen your dark side and your past and what had triggered you to be this way
That's when I thought that you needed someone to save you
So I volunteered to be that person
But really I was the one who needed saving
Because you drowned every part of me
Leaving me with emptiness and a broken heart
Then I thought to myself:
Maybe I broke my own heart too
Cause I walked myself right into this situation
When I knew from the beginning this wasn't going to be easy to get through
I should have left it at hello
But it was all my choice to stay and get attached
For I have given you the opportunity too
I just thought you could have proven me wrong
So loving you was like loving a hurricane
It was intense and grimy
You came on too strong in the start
Eventually you were calm
People say hurricanes caused them sadness
I'm pretty sure I felt the same as well

647.086 kilometres apart
6ix all the way to you
6 days since you left
6 minutes to think everything through
6 seconds to let it all sink in
6 months all it took for me

All the time spent together
Blissful memories
Late night talks
Hours of phone calls
Venturing in the city
Experiencing new things
Our long walks
Getting lost in places
Acting like foreigners
That I'll all miss

You're telling me you'll be back in a year or two
You never asked me to wait for you
I was slightly disappointed
But you wanted me to live life
And didn't want to hold me back
We may be six hundred forty seven and eighty six kilometres apart
In my heart there's no distance
For you'll always stay there
This is not the end
I'll see you again
We didn't say goodbye
We'll see each other another time

i am so happy
not long ago i hit rock b
                                          o
                   ­                          t
                                                t
             ­                                     o
                          ­                           m
all the odds weren't in my favour
i was on the verge of giving up on e v e r y t h i n g
that i ever worked hard for
i simply did not feel like existing or living
it was like darkness adopted me as her child
and depression was my evil step sister who owns me like i am her possession
i couldn't breathe and there was always this overwhelming feeling in my chest
and of course i couldn't get out of this so easily
darkness and depression are both in the same blood line connected into one
while i am an outsider, a child they took over because of the failure and sadness i have felt
i thought, i really did, that i belonged with them
there was no turning back now, this was it

then someone tapped my back
asked me, "do you mind accompanying me for a while?"
in that moment everything that i ever thought of harming myself was simply adrift and gone
it was like they had saved me from making a very big mistake
they had reminded me there is more to life
that sadness and failure was just a part of life
they didn't have to say it out of their mouth
but to me, it felt like they spoke with their mind
and thank goodness i got the message

later i looked up the sky that day
it was raining heavily
and with that person beside me i think this was a gift from God
my own angel
who had helped me to show and save my own self
they were like the role model for me to acknowledge my own worth
and to love my own self as well

all i know is that life is just life
it sometimes punches you in the stomach
and every time you try to get back up
it punches you over and over again
but this doesn't mean you should give up
there must be a reason why you were given this experience
and in every lesson i know it will make you be stronger
have the knowledge to over come it the next time
so i am happy even throughout the hardships i faced
that i am alive
i am well
i am loved
i am cared for
i am living
i am existing
in this very moment
the worst has occurred
but the best is yet to come
be glad you're still here
better days are coming
i assure you that

So what that other people chose someone else over you? Remember you are the whole **** sky, you are your own sun to outshine all the bad rainy days you're having. You are the moon and the stars you guide yourself through the dark times. You are the roots that grow into this big beautiful tree, it may take time for you to reach maturity and self love, but once you master this, your mental growth, I swear you could build an entire forest with so much confidence, love and kindness. Don't ever limit yourself in the ocean, you are out of this world and destined for greatness. The galaxies are within you and you are capable with so much more. You are capable of loving, of laughter. So forget about them. Choose yourself, choose you. Make yourself the first choice, prioritize you. It's the best choice. Don't ever hold yourself down on the ground, someone like you with so much potential can do so many amazing things. You do not need other people's approval to know your own worth. So tell yourself "I love me", and I hope one day you truly believe it.

Fall in love with someone who makes your Monday's feel like Friday's
Somebody who sees galaxies within you, a world filled with hopes and dreams
Not someone who drowns you to your insecurities and flaws
Be with a person who shows you off to their friends and families
And not hide you as a secret, because your existence is worth showing off for
Also remember to be with someone who values your worth and to cherish every moment of your presence
Who makes everyday a day filled with adventures and entertainment
Someone who's embrace feels like home and makes sure you are secure and safe
A boy who treats his mama with respect
and his little sister like a princess
Because he'll know how to treat you like royalty
Someone who's willing to learn about how much you admire the sky and the stars and the galaxies
Even though he's been living in the shore all his life and the ocean is the place where he's ever really been
But if he goes out of his way to get to know your world no matter how much the outer space scares him because of the unknown and unfamiliar things out there and the fact that he is afraid of heights and falling without no one catching him, that is someone who's worth drowning for
If he is willingly sure enough to do that for you, bring him into your galaxy take him to Mars, show him the moon so he'll finally know the phrase "I love you to the moon and back" is really about
Enjoy every sunset and sunrise with him
Because if you treat a person with so much love and care
Trust me they'll make all your wishes come true as if they were a shooting star themselves
So fall in love with someone who's down to earth
Who appreciates art and nature
Because they'll be able to appreciate you as one of God's loveliest masterpiece
Fall for someone who lights you up just like how the skyline of New York lights up every night
Somebody who is like New York a city that never sleeps, they'll stay up with you all night just to make sure you're alright until you could finally go to sleep in peace
Fall for somebody who makes everyday feel like Christmas morning 365 days a year twenty four seven
Someone who looks at you the way you look at puppies because of how much you adore them
But more importantly fall deeply in love with someone who gives you room to grow and to make sure to not forget to love yourself everyday

Happiness starts with letter the 'h'
but I'm most certain that it starts every single time he walks into a room
with that beautiful oh so lovely smile on his face
it starts whenever he strikes up a conversation with me
or when I feel so much excitement for the next day to come for there will be a whole new set of adventures with him
when I have thought of him and I've got this grin on my face that I can't take off, I swear he permanently put his mark into my brain that whenever I had a thought of him it would make my heart turn into a smiley face
and my god the thought of him, the thought of us
makes the word "happiness" into shame
for it's a feeling way deeper than that
a whole lot of feelings that just can't be describe
that no letter in the alphabet could ever spell
magic tricks? spells?
can't ever compete how he lured me into falling for him
the word happiness starts when he remembers the little details about me
knowing me inside out
happiness is when you know you found this bond with someone that you thought would take you a lifetime to find
a bond so strong, the way we connect
is definitely something like no other
happiness is with him
the way he moves, the way he says my name, the way every smile of the seven billion people in this world
is formed by one person, him
because happiness starts with him

Rolling a joint was his specialty
Smoking **** was his hobby
Being on top of rooftops was his favourite place to be
A **** is the one thing he always carries
And the lighter is the way he knew he could be away from reality
Even just for a little while

Buying a drink is his side job
Drinking is one of the things he likes doing
Only because it may be an excuse to do reckless things for one night and not being able to remember them the next day
And a hangover is a reminder of how much he had to drink
He does all this because of all the fun he's having

He may be a bad boy
But he brings good intentions

Because really he does all this to making his friends happy
To having fun with them
And of course have a little fun of his own too
Now you can't say he's bad when he's doing all the good deed he can do

Trust me there's more to him than smoking and drinking
He's got that killer smile
That'll make your heart melt
He's got all these witty stories
With a lot of rebellious and illegal things that was behind all of it
But he's got a kind heart
Someone who dearly loves his family
And the most protective brother he could be
The little things brings happiness into his eyes and I swear I think I've seen it twinkle a couple of times
He showed me chivalry still exist
And that there's nothing wrong with having fun just for a while
Even if it can be rebellious
Because he said that it'll be a story someday you'll laugh about
Pretty sure he's got more fire in him than a lighter and I wouldn't mind if I got burned
For he brings fireworks inside of me
Bursting into happiness
For that is what he has shown me
True genuine happiness

He said being sober was his biggest weakness
Not until he met me
Because apparently I make him go weak on his knees
And he says that's why he kneels down randomly for he's thanking God for bringing me into his life
He then said that I brighter than a lighter he would lit up to smoke
He said I am his sun who brought daylight back into his life
And every time he wakes up it's like breathing for fresh air
I bring this fire inside of him
That is filled with passion and compassion
Something he's been hiding all these years
For I have brought it back and gave him inspiration

Little does he know that he gives me inspiration too
The boy who lit it up for me and showed this whole other side of me
I've never been this happy
Right by his side
He said to me that in a long time he didn't mind being sober because I've helped him overcome his fears and he loved living in reality with me better than running away from everything

He'll always be the boy who welcomingly offered with a big smile to join him for a little fun get away
And gave and showed me happiness along the way
Always the lovely stoner

I don't want to be his five minute cigarette break
I want to be the person he comes to every time he lights up a blunt
I don't want to be drunk with him on a Saturday night
I want to be the person who's there with him when the sunrise is up on Sunday morning and he's still hang over
I want to be the person he drunk calls at four o'clock in the morning when his mind is blurred, yet my name is the first and only thing he thinks about
I want to be the person he thinks of when he is so high and he can't think straight but the thought of my face is always clear no matter where his mind wanders off
But these are just my thoughts when I've already had five hits
As I watched him across the room
He probably had too many to drink and lit up a lot
When he takes his last hit, he smiles at me
And the thoughts I had felt like forever
But only a minute passed by
But when he grinned at me
In that moment I wished it lasted for a long time
He probably won't remember any of this the next day
I know I will

I used to think I was like a starfish
always clinging on to a coral
like how I cling on to people
thinking I always needed them for support

I'd stay near the seashore
waiting for the ocean to take me somewhere new
going on adventures & places to go to
and I thought the Atlantis was the only magical place I could ever go to

But no, I am not just a starfish in the ocean
who seems to be living that easy life
and the sea is not only my limit
because I am way more than that

I am a star
who can get through anything
through night or day
and I remain shining as bright as I can

I've learned to know that there's a whole other world out there for me
the sky is where I belong
venturing through planets & milky way
while I'm accompanied by my friends, the moon & the other stars

While I may be small
but I can make wonders
and hey I'm quite lovely to look at too?
and if you're lucky to come across me, I might be that shooting star

Because I realize I am not like a starfish
for I refuse to drown in an ocean filled with my fears & insecurities
especially to know the fact I can't even swim

I am like the star
a sky filled with wonders & whole kinds of opportunities
I've learned to not limit myself
and I learned to love myself

There may be a billion of other stars out there too
but that doesn't stop me from shining & being who I am
because stars are like people
each & everyone has a story behind them
just like me

So I am like a star
dazzling & bright
and will always be there to guide you
through the night

You know that feeling that everything just seems so right & perfect
Like there's nothing in the world that could go wrong
Because you've got that person
Your person
Right by your side
Throughout anything
And for once you aren't afraid of getting your heart broken
Cause that's something they would never do to you
And that feeling is just so great because you get to share every laugh, tears, dreams, & goals with them
And this time, this time
You know they're not leaving anywhere
So you don't have to worry about not being able to tell them a story because you know you'll have any time of the day to say what you want to say
And they don't mind the quiet silence, they're actually very comfortable with it because the quietest conversations are the best thing shared between you two
Every morning you've got that smile on your face because a new day filled with adventure is awaiting for you
This feeling you can't seem to describe
It's like seeing a shooting star for the first time & wishing for that ultimate wish
It's like watching the sunset & getting mesmerized by the beauty of it
It's like hearing the calming sound that the ocean makes & everything is peaceful
It's like seeing a full moon & everything just seem to bright & full
And for the first time in a long time you feel full, you're complete
And this feeling is happiness
You weren't quite familiar with it
But with you that is what I feel
Everlasting smiles & constant happiness
Being with you is like having the galaxy within the back of my hand
Being with you is having a garden filled with daisies growing inside of me
And with you there is no rainy days, only bright & shiny ones
And I remember someone asking me "what is the most beautiful piece of art that God has ever made?"
"You," I replied.
But then I took it back
Because calling you beautiful would be an understatement
And ever since there has only been happy days

No matter how hard you try to fix broken relationships, friendships, and people , some things aren't meant to be fixed. You will have no control over this and sometimes all you can do is let it go.
2. You will get your heart broken, a lot. Doesn't matter how prepared you are, it will hurt and maybe for a very long time. But time heals everything and eventually all this will pass by.
3. You will get attached to people you never thought you'll talk to ever and you will tell them your life story, but eventually they will leave and you'll watch them walk away. And it is alright to get sad about it.
4. Take chances and tell people what you think and how you feel. Yes, it will be scary but it will also be satisfying. I think it is important to speak your mind and to be brutally honest, because you'll regret the things you never say and you will also regret some things you say. But always let your thoughts be heard.
5. Stop torturing and comparing yourself to who is better at it. Be happy of who you are because there is no one best at it other than you.
6. Remember, you are your own hero. You are the one that picks yourself up after every time life punches you right in the stomach and hands you all the pain. Don't be so ******* yourself, learn self-love. You'll be happier trust me.
7. Get out of your comfort zone and try different type of things. Amazing things don't happen by doing the exact same things. Change things up a bit in your life cause you might end up getting over a fear or find something you might have true passion for.
8. There are always firsts for everything in life. So go ahead be spontaneous as you can be. Be glad that you're still young cause you've got your whole life ahead of you. Enjoy your adolescent because it will get hectic in the adult world.
9. Have time just for yourself. It's alright to shut the world out for awhile. Sometimes all you need is peace and quiet. Just a time alone to think about important things.
10. Get some sleep and rest. It is the best way to find temporary peace and forget about all the problems you have.
11. Your education and future is very important. Strive to be the best you can be. You know that you can be the best if you're willing to work hard for it. Prioritize and manage your time wisely, trust me it's a good working habit to have in the future.
12. Thank the people who have helped and shaped you to be who you are and where you are right now. Thank the people who have underestimated and misunderstood you, you've became stronger because of this.
13. Know that sometimes the best of your friends will not be in the mood to want to talk about your dilemmas in life, there are times you didn't feel like doing that too, so forgive them for this. But always appreciate the friendships you have, these will be the people who will help you along the way through the hardships in your life, so be grateful always.
14. Don't hold grudges. You will not be happy if you do so, forgive them and you'll be much happier that you took that heavy weight off your chest.
15. One day boys will give you all their attention and ignore you the next day. And then they will flirt and make you special some more time. This will get tiring with, but you baby girl have the power and right to stop putting up with all their games.
16. Stop waiting for things to happen and enjoy life as it is. Stop waiting for the right moment and just for it. Enjoy the surprises life brings to you because sometimes the most amazing things happen when it is unplanned and least expected.

Sometimes I feel like we just use other people
to fill in that gap of emptiness
when that special person in our lives
leaves you
and that is why
I can't truly grasp
never one hundred percent sure
I really don't know
if I can ever believe when
people or someone
say to me that they're
into me
or have
true sincere feelings
for me
that is because
what if I am also just a
gap filler?
just a temporary person
just filling in the emptiness
in them

I know it's been months since you left
Somehow parts of you will never fade away
Like that time when you told me you grew tired of me
That I know will never leave my mind & will scar me for life
Now I have to pretend that I didn't see you & I don't think it will ever stop hurting, but I'll just get used to it

And last night I called you just to hear your voice again
The least thing I had expected you to do was answer my call
So then I asked you how you were doing
And I could feel you shaking your head with confusion
So you sat there quietly on the other line, hesitant to tell me
In that very moment it was like you forgot I even existed & that I once part of your life
After a few minutes you finally replied, saying "alright" and at that I made sure to let go of you
I smiled as I hung up the phone
And that was the last conversation I had with you

Fast forward to the present time
And yes I still wonder how you are & what you've been doing
I still wonder what you & your friends are up to, and if you've seen any concerts recently
I know that if you heard me ask you these things, you'd have that big smile on your face like you used to
Every time I said something thoughtful

So you'll probably still think that I need you
That I still want you
And in this moment, no.
Not at all, not in this case
Because nine months ago I was doing everything I can just to impress you
To make sure & check up on you that you were happy & content
And to make sure I was the person causing happiness & that smile on your face
But no, it isn't nine months ago
It is the present time
It is now
In this moment
I remember you as a person I shared my secrets to at 3am in the morning & ****** to feel a sense of closeness
I remember you as someone I shared special moments with, like laughing at something at 5 in the morning
I remember you as someone who made me happy through the dark moments in my life and that I'm always grateful for
But you see it isn't nine months ago
It is the present time
It is now
And in this very moment
I miss how you messaged me unexpectedly just to ask me what happened throughout my day
I miss you how you cared, even at things that weren't so important
I miss our friendship, our secrets, our stories, our dreams & goals
So maybe one day things will be alright again
It will be different, but it will be better
And maybe we'll run into each other
Catching up with our lives
But right now you're a faded memory
Someone I used to know, but all that is a blur

This is a deep poem
Way deeper than the ocean
Deeper than that the hole you dug
Much deeper than the hole I dug
Me & you digging can't compare to how deep this is
If everyone in the world digged with us, this poem would still be deeper
A poem so deep that a black hole isn't near close to how deep it is
This poem isn't going anywhere
Because you don't really know where you're going to end up in life
This poem symbolizes absolutely nothing
Because nothing it put together
And this poem doesn't have any meaning to it either
So stop reading this
and go live your life
So you can find a meaning to that
Because you sure won't find it here
Because this isn't a deep poem you idiot

I never thought someone
A girl at the age of 16
Could be filled with so much sadness
Her blood type "D" which stands for depression
Eyes that are bloodshot
Eyes that are filled with a lot of regret
Eyes that has lost hope in everything
Eyes with crushed dreams
Her eyes are so beautiful that used to be filled with happiness
Her eyes heavier than the baggage she carries
But her thoughts are heavier
But she makes an excuse saying she's fine
But she can't escape the thoughts she has on her mind
She smiles away her pain
No one knows that nothing can keep her sane
And she tries
She tries so hard
But she can't go back
Can't go back to who she was before

She had lost her innocence
She lost her innocence when her own father asked her to try & lit a cigarette on her own
And she did
She smoked away her problems
She lost her innocence when skipping one class wasn't such a big deal until it became a habit of doing it everyday
She lost her innocence when the positive attitude she had in life got poisoned by the negative thoughts that her ex best friend had & so it rubbed off on her & now all she got is this negative mentality
For every time she breathes, she breathes in the pessimistic air that had consumed her lungs & gotten to her brain
She lost her innocence when she let herself got attached to people, only for them to walk away
She lost her innocence when taking pills were the only thing that could make her happy
She lost her innocence when she puts her guard down, only for her heart to get broken
She lost her innocence when she let herself fall deeply
She lost her innocence when she tried to fix someone else, that led her to self destruction
She lost her innocence when she first tried alcohol to forget about him, and ***** tasted the same as his lips, tasted like an addiction, habit, and full of regret
She lost her innocence when she first had drugs and it tasted like things were finally going back to normal for once in her life
She lost her innocence when she sent pictures of her body to a boy, to make herself feel better by the compliments he told her
She lost her innocence when she gave everything to him & she let him touch the other parts of her body, to keep him satisfied, happy, & so that he wouldn't leave her
She lost her innocence when she broke her own rules just for him

But she was long gone
Physically alive, but mentally dead
Everything falling apart all at once
Crashing down on her & a person can only take so much pain
And she didn't know what to do & how to make it stop
She didn't know how to stop loving someone who didn't love her anymore
She didn't know how to make her parents stop yelling & fighting from the unpaid bills & she couldn't make her father stop smoking to stop spending all the money on cigarettes, while her mother does all the job
She didn't know how to deal with a goodbye she never got
She didn't know that within a year she could lose someone that meant the world to her
She didn't know that she lost herself too, that a person was able to take her heart & happiness with them
She didn't know that you could meet the love of your life, but doesn't mean you end up with them
She didn't know until now that she was never good enough & is easily replaced
She didn't know she'd be awake in the middle of the night at 16, missing someone that she gave everything to, only to have her efforts wasted
She didn't know that saying "I'm fine" could make others believe her & they did, when she really wasn't

It never occurred to me
An inflicted pain could cause this much damage to one individual
That one person has this much impact to another
That they could have this much power to make you feel like this
That these things could actually happen to her
That her so called best friend would turn back on her & make her feel worthless
That her own parents were fed up & tired of her behavior & eventually she started to believe to the things they made her feel
That no matter how hard she tries
It just won't be the same anymore

i. He is going to break your heart and you'll try to put the pieces back together but you'll never be back to you were before you met him
ii. When he says "I care about you," don't listen to him.  Months from now you will find yourself falling apart while he embraces another girl & gives her the world, when it was supposed to be you
iii. You will often see him with a bunch of other people & he will be laughing & smiling a lot more than he ever did with you. But you have to learn to not care & just worry about yourself first
iv. You will see him walking alone & when he sees you, he won't say hey as he usually does but instead walk past you like you never existed & you will feel the burning flakes in your lungs. But don't let him get to you
v. There will be other boys who resembles his smile & you think that maybe they could fill the void & make the heartache go away, it won't & will just make it worse
vi. Months will pass by & you can finally tell yourself that you can go on without him
vii. It is still going to hurt & maybe for a long time, baby girl. And you wish that you could go back to who you were before your first heartbreak, but you will thank him for this experience. And one day you'll find someone who will give you the galaxy & share every sunrise & sunsets with you

~Things I wish I knew before you broke my heart ~

Have you ever found that one person, not different from any other person out there
but **** they make you feel alive, happy, and treat you so well
and you start to think to yourself that this person might actually be so good for you
that you give them your attention
they start to be part of your daily routine
you tell them things about yourself that you never really told anyone else before
so you take a chance of them
risking your heart and every part of you
and then one day
they decide to just walk away
leaving you out of nowhere
like a dog losing it's owner
they rip your heart out
pieces by pieces
and you let them anyways
because of how much you care for them
and do you ever think
why? why did they even take interest in you?
like why you out of all people?
so were your motives was to get to know me
breaking my ribs, have my lungs ran out of air
to having my heart raise just for you to shatter it apart
and so that they can **** you dry of all your tears you could ever cry?
and I wonder what it was or saw or felt that made them lose interest in you
because it's not fair how they can make you different and just leave
they give you all these memories and pretend that it never meant the world to you
and it ***** how I can't do anything about and how they don't know how I feel because they will never truly understand how you cherish them
as they just took you for granted
and all you can do is to be happy for them
hoping that is even enough
so do you just find that one person, not different from any other person out there
who gives you hope about love, life, and full of positivity
all to be crushed in the end
feeling so much pain
that you never wish upon anyone to feel this much heart break
but you would go through all that pain again
just so you could experience & be with that person
but everything is just a memory in your head
in time it will fade away
and you wonder how it was so easy for them to move on
while you're stuck with a goodbye you never gotten
and their favourite song replaying in your head over & over again
remembering all the promises they said, but it's all broken now
still dumbfounded how they can let you go just like that
but those what ifs, should have been, and could have been
are better left unanswered
because knowing the answer will tore you apart
and you wonder why? why did you ever let this person be part of your life?
why didn't you just leave it with the simple casual "hello"
and why did you let them break the walls that you built?
why did you even took a chance on them?
and that's because you saw potential in them that you never did with anyone for a long time
and they just **** it all up

and it was all over
in that moment
you said you were done
and grown tired of me
I don't blame you though
I'd get tired of me too

and ever since you left
it's been pretty hard
just like the season changing
you did too & left me hanging
So I wasn't surprised when you had decided to go in this season
leaving me in the coldness

and my question is
did you even care
did you even get to know me
or was it all just fun and games
was it all real or was it just pretend to you
because you leave a trail of broken hearts without knowing that you do or not caring at all

and when you told me that you wouldn't forget me
I know that was not true
because in honesty boy
since the day you went away
I have thought less & less of you

and I've given up
given up on trying to make you stay
given up on trying to make you come back
given up on trying to change your mind

and I don't know why I've given up
maybe because a new season was coming
but I sure don't feel the same way anymore
I've moved on & continued to live happily

and then one day we met again
you looked at me with deep uncertainty
I looked at you as someone who was once a big part of me
but as seasons changed
I learned to look at you & didn't feel hurt at all

In life you will get hurt a lot
and that's inevitable
but it is within your own self
of what you do with that pain
will you let it make you bitter
or will you transmute this agony into love & nurture it so that the suffering doesn't happen once again?

But just know that you are stronger than you'll ever realize
the obstacles you go through are lessons in life that needs to be experienced
in able for you to mature & nurture into a person you'll turn to love

Just recognize that positive changes don't just happen overnight
but don't ever let yourself lose hope
stay optimistic & always try to see the silver lining for everything
if you mess up, accept that fact & don't let it happen again
if anyone messes you up, learn to forgive, theirs a weight that will be uplifted from your chest

Trust me, things will get better, eventually
but it won't be perfect & it won't be fixed as how you'd want it to be
so learn to live through the small happiness in life
and smile at the little things

Lastly, take care of yourself
remember that you mean everything to somebody
and you are everything to yourself
and that alone is enough
don't let yourself get trapped in the past
live in the moment & seek into the future
because things are brighter on the other side
filled with surprises & happiness
that will come along your way

You will see that rainbow after the rain
how the stars shine so bright, just like that smile in your face
flowers will grow into your lungs & make a garden filled with hope & new chances
oceans will help sail you through all the hardships in life
that sunrise will remind you a new beginning is coming
and that sunset to tell you that you've made it through the day without giving up & you moved forward

He told me that we both can still remain as friends,
What he really meant to say was that
We can be those type of strangers that share all these silent memories together & smile at one another, once in a while.

He told me that he would never forget me,
But I knew once he saw her walking through the crowd
I was just some other girl to him
And she was that special girl he'd dream of

He told me that he was no good for me,
I didn't listen to him
So I took a chance on him
But I was left with a broken heart
And I hear his words "I told you so"

He told me he liked me,
Happiness it brought upon me
Giggles & smiles on my face
But his admiration
Had an expiration date

He told me all these things,
And I hold onto every words he say
I kept them locked in my heart
And it shattered me apart
Yet he never seemed to know
How much I cared & adored him
And now I just watch him leave
Loving another
With my heart broken into pieces
I could never hate him though
And I'm left with the broken promises & wrecked expectations & it starts to burn into my lungs
I gasp for air
But the only thing I could utter for help was your name
You weren't there anymore
Leaving me with unfulfilled hopes
And love I could never seem to give to another

Everyday she puts a smile on her face
all for a boy who'll never care
she puts all her effort to impress him
but his attention always seemed somewhere else
she hopes and waits
that he'll look her way
she wishes that it was back to the way before
full of bliss
just the two of them happily
with no other people in the way
for she longs to have those moments back
but for now she just replays those memories in her head
and maybe one day it'll be back to normal again
she misses him so
looks like he has moved on though
forgotten all about her
and acts like she doesn't even exist
it hurts her a whole lot
but she rather be seeing him
than not seeing him at all
because he has become
the air that she breathes everyday
the oxygen that she needs
in order to survive

Kiss them once & never let your lips touch theirs
Tell them all these sweet & lovely things, & act like everything you told them was just a lie
Make eye contact with them, but look through their eyes full of regret
See them everyday, pretend they never existed & look right through their souls
Embrace them & then never touch their skin again
Hold their hand & make sure to leave them wanting more
Make all these good memories with them & leave them hanging like the past few months meant nothing to you
Talk to them every day & let them be part of your daily routine, then one day just completely ignore them & never talk to them ever again

I fell for your mentality
just like the way you said my name
full of life & positivity

I wish to be able to read your mind
get to know your every thought
hear about your life long dreams, desires, & darkest secrets

I want is you here right beside me
have your arms embrace me
as you whisper sweet dreams into my ears, so I could get a good night sleep

Because I'd rather have you lying down next to me
instead of me missing you daily

Ever loved and cared for someone so much?
Isn't it so hauntingly beautiful
How they can make you feel vulnerable
Yet they give you such a delightful feeling at the same time
They slowly open your chest
Which leads them to opening your heart
For them having the advantage of
Messing you up
And ripping your apart
And all your life you build all these walls
Protecting your kingdom, which is your heart
By having all these guards to keep you away from heart break
Then one day
One person
Not any different from any other person in this world
Who you did not ask for to come into your life
Just decides to step in
Wanders through your life
Knowing your strengths and weaknesses
Then they become a part of your daily routine
And you give them a part of you
That you never did to anyone else before
You just hand all these things to them
But they never asked for it
Because they did something insane
Like hold your hand or smile at you
Then this life of yours
Your little kingdom is opened
Welcoming them into your own world
Then this place of your own becomes theirs too
And your life isn't your own
Because loving someone will get inside you
Holding you a prisoner
Enrapturing you in every way possible
Letting you have all these emotions
Making you feel alive
Then leaving you in the darkness
And one day
That special person tells you
"I'm no good for you. We should stay friends"
Shatters you apart like a broken glass
A splinter working its way into your beating heart
And it hurts a **** lot
Not the type of hurt you'll get over it soon type of hurt
But a hurt where it eats you inside
A hurt where it rips every part of you
The kind of hurt where it gets into your brain
Making you go insane
But also the kind of hurt where only that one person can fix
And even after they make you feel this way
You'll do it all over again
Because it's worth it
They are worth it
And that is what it means to love
It is painfully beautiful

I am jealous of your bed sheets, that gets to know what happened throughout your day
That gets to find out all your secrets at 3 in the morning
And gets to know who the real you is
I am jealous how it gets to listen to your heart beat every night before you go to sleep
Jealous how it gets to listen to all your favourite songs
How it's able to comfort you from the cold, because I wish my embrace could do that
I am jealous how it's able to wipe out all your tears from the bad days you've been having, because I wish I could take away your sadness for you
I am jealous how you look forward to be in your bed every night, because I wish I could be your home that you come to
I am jealous how it's always there for you, even if you didn't need it
Because I just hope that I could be there for you even if I didn't have to
But I can't because you won't let me be there
I am jealous how it brings you comfort & warmth
For how I wish I could be the one to comfort you
Jealous how it gets to tuck you in every night
And how it gets to sleep and be with you whenever you want to
Because I wish so bad to be with you whenever
Mostly I am jealous how it's where you want to be at most times, when you have your dark days
Because I just want you to come to me in the times where you're at your lowest
I am jealous how it knows all your stories, your strengths, weaknesses
Because I just want to be able to know them too
Jealous how it's the most comfortable place to be, because I wish to be your safe haven

I keep writing about you
A lot of people say that my poetry is amazing and I have no idea why they say that
And I think it's because they're all about you, because you're ******* wonderful
But what you don't know and what they have no idea is that
I stare at the ceiling for hours
And my hands can't seem to move
Leaving my pen untouched and just having a blank page
Filled with no words about you or about love
Because all I feel is frustration and disappointment
Maybe I write these things but it actually doesn't come close to how I'm really feeling
But if actions could be expressed into words
I would write about how I should have hugged you for hours and convinced you to stay
How your favourite song just came up the radio, reminding me the first you made me listen to it
I would write about me standing outside the rain near the bus stop, thinking and replaying all the things you said to me, as I hide my tears from the rain
Then I realized I never had you
We were never official
I would write about the burning fire from my heart as it start to burn because of how much I miss you
and how the burning flakes have reached my brain at 3 in the morning thinking about how I miss your voice and how I crave your presence
And then I remember being up so late was only that much fun when you were still around, with our deep talks & late phone calls
I wish every ******* day that you were still here
And I don't know how to end this writing because there is no poetic way to say and describe how I feel so empty and that I just want you back
But what I know is that I'll never let go