i am not pretty i am not beautiful i am not
poetry i am not music i am not inspiration i am
not good luck i am not strong i am not lucky i am
not smart i am not a relationship i am never looking back
i am mondays i am not fridays i am not red or blue or
gray or black i am not a disaster i am not a tornado
i am not a hurricane i have no eye in me
i am not captivation i am procrastination i am a constant
dark sky there is no light in me i am not honesty
i am a bundle of never ending lies i am insomnia i
am a biting insect called insecurity i am not a butterfly
i am not a night owl i am more like a tree that never grows
i am not sunshine i am not the moon i am not a star i
am an asteroid i am a college workload i am an infinite
amount of excuses and insults loving me will not
be like falling into a cocoon of warmth it will be
more like being tied to a rock in the middle of the ocean
i am not a model type skinny i am instead a bag of twigs
i am not a calm swim i am drowning i am your last shot of
***** that turns into 20 i am the penny stuck to the bottom
of a jar i am lost money i am scalding hot chocolate
i am times square i am letters i am gigantic words that you
can't pronounce i am late night studying i am your favorite
coffee shop that closes early i am not the girl that
you will spend the rest of your life happily with i am the
key to a motel door and a night you will regret i am the
one night stand you wish you could stop thinking about
i am auto correct that is never right i am the phone number you
cannot forget i am reliable i like to think about running away
but i never will spending your life with me will not be happy but
it will also never be sad because i cannot stand to see
people sad even though sometimes i am and i use big
words and if you can't pronounce them then i'll teach
you how to and i procrastinate all the time but i'll help you
be organized and i'll wake you up early so that you can
get to your favorite coffee shop and i'll warn you that the
hot chocolate is scalding hot i'll cut you off after your
last shot of ***** and i'll write you bad poetry that'll make
you laugh to make up for it and we'll spend the
entire night watching bad romance movies and cursing
love so that you can try and forget that one night stand and
because i never learned how to swim i always stick by the
life guard so i'll save you if you drown and i am not
perfect but i am also not broken; instead i am a never ending
cycle of both regret and loneliness and so much more
but i'll make sure that you'll never have to suffer any of that
because i am your july thirty first thoughts, and you are mine

(h.l.)

first;* there is a pause, there is the questioning
in you heart of if this is real or if it's a mirage
if this is your eyes deceiving you or if it is actually real,
the possibility that this could be real wills you
to move, it wills you to continue and then
there is the embrace, the bear hug and the reassurance
that yes this is real  this is real *this is real and everything
feels like it is moving in fast forward and no you are
not ready to let go you cannot  let go you can't let go
why can't you let go you moved on
you made new friends you've loved new lovers you've gone
a year without these people and yet it feels like it hasn't been
a week because soon you are surrounded by the same laughter,
the same sarcastic jokes that make you feel at home; first
is happiness and disbelief and ecstasy and surreal awkwardness
and catching up on life
//
next; next is judgement, next is meeting the people that
you didn't really miss and having to stand there
as their shaming eyes take you apart piece by piece and
analyze every flaw you've always had and the
ones that you've gained, next is hi I kinda missed you and
wow I'm not trying to be rude or anything but how long
have you been gone? next is boasting and whispered jokes
that you know are about you next is how is it like
being the first dropout next is jokes that are disguised because
they are really insults next is meeting the new girl and
finding out that she likes the same baseball team
you do and she's smarter and they like her and they've
never really liked you and you don't really care because
they're ******* but you actually do and you say goodbye
and walk away biting the inside of your cheek and willing
yourself not to break down next is reliving all the good
times and the bad times and next is internal panic attacks
and fake smiling next is pretending this never happened next
is wishing that you could go back in time and make things
better but knowing that even if you went back
it still wouldn't be better
//
finally; finally is distractedly talking to your friends as
if your insides weren't crawling finally is walking around
as if your heart wasn't shattering with each step you've made
finally is the sound of their voices echoing in your head and
finally is dropout finally is failure finally is you can't
avoid it an longer because it's time that you face the facts' finally
is not eating dinner because your appetite has
been stolen by an insect called insecurity finally is opening your
binder and going through all that you could've done
finally is going to sleep early because you have a headache
finally is trying to explain to your best friend why you
left without saying goodbye finally is knowing that you have to,
that everyone else and it's time to say goodbye too
finally is wanting to freeze everything and
not move forward because the future is a road filled with
surprise and you hate surprises and finally is going to sleep
with tear stains on your pillow, finally is waking up and
not wanting to move and only to sit in silence finally is the
ear shattering sound of your music because you cannot
stand silence finally is that study playlist you can no longer
listen to without having trouble breathing finally is that last letter
that you have lost in a binder somewhere but it
doesn't matter because you have memorized the words
finally is running and never wanting to give up and hoping
that you can run until you turn into the shadow that you are
already becoming finally is not wanting to become a shadow
finally is fighting back against all the odds
finally is becoming content finally is being happy
and finally is a fidget it is that jumpy leg that you have
that won't stop moving because of nervousness
because finally you have accepted that you are not
apart of them and they are slowly not being apart
of you either finally is making new friends and
loving new lovers finally is moving on and
never forgetting but also never reminiscing

(h.l.)

you used to love to draw, learned how to sketch when you were eight
painted me a sky full of smoke and liquor and told me this
was where happiness would always start
your inspirations were my frustrations said you never liked
my pretty face unless it was full of madness
i guess you're wish has come true because darling i'm a hopeless
addict without you, my arms are designed with the color of
your favorite wine and i know i should be happy, my
skies are full of beautiful blues but i've learned
that pain is happiness when i'm with you
he was my darkest shade of grey, my disastrous tale of love
and what happened after, you were a beautiful mistake
a terrible tragedy you carved your name on my heart and
and made your touch a weapon filled with poison i can't
find the antidote and now i'm searching desperately for all
the pieces but they seem to have all broke
and i know it's wrong to want to have you by my side,
you always made me think i was happy
but i'm starting to realize that skies are not meant be filled with
smoke and liquor and that the world would burn
with your love of fires and hurricanes of tears would
fill your beating heart with happiness and i know that
you're sick and twisted, i know that you are the very
worst thing that could have ever happened to me
and yet i cannot bring myself to say that you are black,
you my dear are the darkest shade of grey
you're a disaster, a canvas that's been broken and filled with
toxic paint, a ticking time bomb exploding every day and
for your love of fires you were gasoline although i'd rather burn
early than die later for i'm starting to find out,
i like my skies filled with smoke and liquor and hate
the way the sun shines you could have the been the worst
thing that had ever happened to me but i know, oh i know
i'm not alone, yes i know that i am the worst thing that has
happened to you

(h.l.)