I bought my first typewriter today
an old Sears Citation,
and I feel proud of myself
because I've taken a solemn step
in my journey to becoming an actual writer.

The keys click with every hit,
I delight in the ink impressing the page,
and I sense God is setting the scene
for when I write my first novel,
and leave the world changed in my wake.

I will take it by the handle
and carry it with through-out this world,
immortalizing people, places, things
anything I've ever seen or felt
will become part of my masterpiece.

Oh if I could imitate my heroes
Hemingway, Yeats, or Bukowski
I'd type away at the keys until
the bones in my fingers broke apart,
then I'd heal and do it all over again.

When I first saw this tool,
I thought it was too good to be true.
How could my dream be so close?
I spent almost every cent I had,
so one day you would remember my name.

You don't answer
my text messages anymore,
something is wrong.

you inspire
me
more than
any
other girl
I've
ever known
in
my short
days.

After accidentally slipping and
landing
on the hard floor,
everyone
laughed at my expense

all
except for you who
checked
on me to see
whether
my condition was okay
which

gave me all the
courage
to stand right back
up.

every day
brings
the hope
that
I will
find
someone to
love.

I have to always
catch
myself nightly from
falling
off the edge
of my anxiety

sometimes I end up
hitting
the ground,

and that's when
I wish spiderman
would come swinging
on his web
to save me.

It's important
to keep little moments for
composure.
Remembering to
take a beat and
calm oneself
may save the day.
At work,
I was sweeping the floor,
and it felt like
I couldn't get it right,
then I remembered
a song
I hadn't heard
in quite a while.
It's a sad song,
but it brought me joy.
For just a few seconds
I didn't care about
how weak I was
at sweeping,
it was just me
and the melody
moving side by side
like lovers intertwined.
For just a few seconds
the tension became
bearable.

Today my
family
came and
brought
me groceries
because
I'm too
sick
to go
shopping
on my
own;

thank you
all
for fulfilling
me.

I'm tired of
staying up all
night

worrying about if
you're okay because
I

ache to start
taking care of
myself

we'll always have
Chicago in the
Winter

but for now,
we've reached the
end.

I thought
spirituality
was about
knowing
all the
answers,
now I
realize
it's about
asking
the right
questions.

Beer on tap
comfortable wooden chairs,
and football on tv,
I should talk with the guys,
but I don't want to.
I'm bored and growing impatient,
everyone is talking over everyone else,
each voice louder than the next,
a guy plays a folksy tune on the guitar
and neon lights shine burning my eyes
I feel like a fish out of water,
here in this supposedly common ground
for most men,
I'm trying not to stick out,
but I have nothing to say.
I stare at my phone
and wait for my dinner to arrive;
taking small sips of sweet tea.
Everyone else drinks water.

I began writing
not
for personal gain,
not
for attention from
others
or out of
obligation
instead, I just
typed
out words simply
for
the joy of
writing;

and that's the
only
motivation I’ll work
with.

I gave a girl a rose today,
and as I was handing her the flower
I said, "Here you go."
but I could have said much more.
Like, "You are beautiful.
Everyone loves you.
Don't stop being who you are."
but all I did was hand her a rose,
pure and mysterious.

Hey, I've been thinking
we might work well
together?

We've been friends
for a while now,
I think its time.

Let's take things
to the next level.

No?

Ok, that's fine
at least we can still
be friends?

Cool, I hope this doesn't
make things awkward
between us?

Good.
Talk to you later.

The green buds
are
ready to blossom
upon
this tree limb
just
in time for
spring.

I'm waiting
on the day
when I show up
for work,
and someone
tells me
I'm doing
a good job.
I never
understood
how thankless
this job is,
to everyone
punching the clock
I know
your loss.

C’mon Mom
go take me shopping
for an Easter dress,
because come
resurrection day,
I’m coming out as
trans,
and I only
trust you
to teach me how
to get dolled up
for church
like a proper
lady.

Juan told
me
I'm not
weird
for having
autism,

now I
feel
like less
of
an oddball
just
because of
him.

My little black cat
lies at the foot of my bed;
as I sleep at night.

There's nothing like
the first time
someone holds you
close to their
heart,

I was 19
in the hospital
getting ready to
be taken away
when,

she held me
so tight I
could hear her
heartbeat in my
ear,

how do I
describe a moment
like that without
tears in my
eyes,

I haven't seen
her since, but
I'm glad to
call her my
*****-friend.

Envisioning what I
need
in my life
now,

I remembered playing
with
my old school
chums
having a swell
time,

not superficial relationships,
instead
a pure unadulterated
camaraderie.

To the trans
woman
who went to
use
the ladies room
tonight,
you have every
right
to make use
of
the facilities that
you
feel most comfortable
with.

I keep
having
a recurring
dream
of traveling
far
away with
my
friends to
vacation
by the
beach,

I've now
developed
an acute
wanderlust.

Love reveals
itself
in little
ways
we take
for
granted every
day.

This morning
I woke up
on the wrong side
of the bed,
but it was ok
because you
still, sleep
with me.

If I've learned anything
from loneliness
it's that:
You have to love people
while they're still around,
or else you'll regret
for the rest of your life
how you didn't cherish them.
Remember to say,
"I love you."
as much as possible,
because of the kindness
you send into the world
will be brought back to you,
tenfold.

If in the
coming days
I ever come across
an actual
time machine
I'll go back
to this present
moment
to tell my
past self
whether this girl
truly cares
about me
because right now
I'm worried
she's not
part of my
future.

If I were to die today
inscribe two things
on my headstone:
Son & Poet.
I was nothing before
the love of my parents
brought me into the world,
I am eternally there son.
Remember me as a poet,
who tried his best to
find beauty in the bleakest
of circumstances.

I once asked my Mom,
"Do you think I'm
going to Heaven?"
and she replied,
"If anyone is
then it would be
you."
Call it
Mother's intuition,
but she's never
wrong.

I love to see
a bit of blue
sky
on a cloudy day
to remind me that
all
I have to do
is wait for the
rain
to pass and it
will be ok by
then.

I couldn’t
get
out of
bed
because my
depression
is setting
in.

I dreamed I was a
woman,
I had long shiny brown
hair,
and wore a white wedding
dress.
I don't know what this
means,
but in my dream I
felt
as beautiful as a summer
day.

I've had a few successes in my life,
but mostly failures.
There were times I tried my best
and came up short.
Other times I gave up fighting
the good fight.
I wish I could go back and undo everything I've gotten wrong,
but I can't.
So each night as I fall asleep I remind myself of one phrase:
Live and let live.


I can do no more.

I want to sit
down
on the couch with
you,
and watch T.V. all
night.

Today I
bought
a fresh outfit
because I was
finally ready
to tear-off
my tattered rags,
and try on
a brand new
me.

I feel Clare,
Like a seed,
Planted from birth.
Who blossoms in Spring,
Then dies in Winter,
A kind girl,
***** blond hair,
With ready smile,
I hold her hand,
As she fades away.

Tomorrow
I'm going to do
something
I've never done
before.
I'm really
nervous,
what if I'm left
alone,
and call out for
help?
I understand to
grow
one must work
hard,
that's just a
fact.

Today
everything was
fine
because my
friends
prayed for
me.
It's never too
late
to ask for
help
from folks who
care.
God loves me
much,
so I'm not
afraid
to wait and
breathe.

I feel emotional
after
visiting the theater
to
watch motion pictures
because
during the duration
of
spectating vicariously, I'm
living
through those fictional
characters.

There's no
shame
in loneliness
because
all living
things
depend on
each
other to
survive,
so feeling
alone
and seeking
togetherness
is a
natural
state of
being.

I let a
mother
and her daughter
use
the bathroom at
work,

after getting in
trouble
I still don't
regret
showing them my
kindness.

Last night I couldn't sleep,
so I tried to call your phone.
You didn't pick up,
that's when I realized
you've left me behind.
For better or worse
I'm still your friend.
I can't let go.
Hopefully, you won't be gone
forever.

My problem is
worrying
about something being
wrong
with me in
my
mind when in
reality
I'm doing perfectly
fine.

I call it having a leaky brain,
thoughts like raindrops drip into my mind  
one after another slowly causing
obsession,
I'm always thinking these
thoughts:
"Who am I?"
"What am I doing with my life?"
"How am I gonna get by?"
"I need help."
I wake later in the morning,
and the days seem shorter;
nights spent sleepless,
maybe one day I'll get it
together,
if my mind lets me
go.

I sometimes have to remind myself
that I'm doing this for me,
I write all these words in the hopes
that I'll gain inner peace,
if it helps people along the way
that's just a benefit of being an artist.
At the end of the day
if I'm not any closer to serenity
I don't care what the whole world says
it's all been for nothing.

I don't know-how
to
change a flat tire,
but
that fact doesn't make
me
any less of a
man.

You're the reason
my phone is
on as I
sleep,
I'd rather talk
to you all
night long than
rest.

On this summer day
rain sang me a lullaby,
as I rested my head.

This afternoon I
didn't
mean to keep
you
waiting by the
phone
for a call
from
me that didn't
arrive,

I just didn't
respect
the time you
allotted.

I got diagnosed
when I was
13,
mild Asperger's syndrome
what a diagnosis,
eh?
It made sense
to everyone but,
me,

I never thought
of myself as
different,
I only have
a hard time
knowing
what other people
are thinking and
feeling.

I'm on the
spectrum and I
can't
change that but
if this makes
me
unique then I'm
glad to be
autistic.