3 years ago
i cried on a bathroom floor

(that was the first time i cheated on you)

my freedom
scared me
but

now
it sustains me

how could we
walk away
from
a kiss
like that?

i'll just be here
waiting
to give you
my love

all the way up
and
all the way back down
again
and again

once they came
the flowing tears
covered all of me

they would not stop

mourning

burying you

what we
are going through
is painful

and beautiful

embracing sadness
with grace

holding hope

and accepting the path


letting you go


...
but not losing you

are you ready
to give in
to
goddess magic?

you make me rage

because

it's just not

right

how did i put
any trust
in you?

and
why did i let you
influence
what
i do?

your words
and
actions
were not
equally
true

so
.
goodbye
to
you


p. s.

(i hope
the void
brings someone
new)

you
contradicted
our love

with
your look

the unafraid
are people like
me
who can see past
what others see

my soulmates
here
i find
those who tire
of the grind

the status quo
is what we
tried
but
spirits inside
won't be
denied

for moments
or even seconds
we crave
the times
we deny the world
of a slave

Stacks of pencils
Lined the shores
But no one could write with them

They used all their words
And cut off their tongues

How will they tell me

Chop it all off I said
Strand by strand
Each pain goes away
And comes back
It never works, **** I always thought it did

You once tried to kiss me
In your living room
I cut off your head
And that chance didn’t i

I burned that bridge
And now I want to cross it!

Come find the string
That holds us together
I never saw it
I even tried to gnaw it off

I bet if you pull it
We might end up in the same place
Sing some songs for me
Put your voice in my ears

Tell me what you really feel
Because I know you’re lying

twisting
and
molding
the truth

avoiding
accountability
denying
what we knew

..

i reject
it
with my whole heart

this is not reality
this is art

Some people have this
Magnet affection
Thing
They can’t stop from
Pawing
You

They have this
Insatiable
Lust
Of flesh
And contact
And smells
And whispers

It’s like the most
Velvet
Heaven
Muted
Desires
Like
Jazz

can i stop
pretending
to be happy
now?

what does
your love look like?

i suspect
you don't
even know

but
don't you want to?

understanding
emotions
through
touch

my body is scared
of something
my mind
doesn't yet know

my disgust
distaste for you
eclipses
everything else

don't you see?
me?
are you listening

i cannot be me
until you recognize

all.the.things
in life
are calling

am i out of line?

why haven't you knocked

on
my
door

here's the key
i'll leave it out
underneath the dirt

wind blows it all away

passion is my middle name
you must have none

are you that scared

of what i cannot see

must i live these years
identically

repetition
breaks my heart

i had the notion
that you were not the same

can you feel this rhythm

it leaves my hands
and ventures out
into the unknown

catch it while you can

life and time are allies

sometimes they love the thorns

the rhythm
of peaceful breathing
this calm
this solace
we cultivated
together

time taken
exploring the newness
of each other
turns into
settling into
the awe
and wonder
of us

my ultimate betrayal
to the one i love
is pushing him away

with every whispered word
every glance

you transform me

i am watching myself
bloom

i am
your flower

my
little
world

is a deep
chasm

dive
to the bottom
with me

i don't
care
if
we crash

why does it feel
like i can see you better
with my eyes closed?

i don't think i can do this.

deep breaths.

he's making it hard not to hate him
he doesn't even see me
he is a stranger now
his eyes are dead

deep breaths.

he makes me
scream
cry
hate

he is turning me
against myself

deep breaths.

i can get through
i can resist
i can keep aiming high

i can achieve
my happiness

deep breaths.

you think
your irreverence
makes you authentic

actually
it makes you
stupid

today i feel you
this magic love
resonates like bass
deep in my chest
presses gently on my heart
a reminder
we are here
we are alive
we are love

of course
i did

and

of course
i always
will

woke up
in a sea of calm
yesterday's gloom is gone

warm sunlight
pulls me out
from hiding

for a moment
i can forget
my aching heart

i see you cherish
i feel you loving

these things give me hope

for my tiny rebel heart

O divine lover
heart liberator
with magic in your eyes
and the purest of hearts

i don't deserve you

but i love you

fragmented
but free

a fresh step
up a lonely hill

yea, it's scary
but
i'm free

love born
in fire

burns away
all doubt

i stopped using the map
a long time ago

and even though
sometimes i feel lost

with you
i'm always found

this sadness
grew today

the wringing
the tension

a black hole
reducing me
to nothing

timing is
never wrong

just have to
figure out
why
it's right

when does
an internal rebellion
become
an external one?

when does
bravery
overcome
fear?

when does
the truth of my heart
decide
the words in my mouth?

you took my screaming heart
into your gentle hands
and then
all was quiet

so much easier
to catch something
than to let it go

(letting go is inevitable)

the weight
of my mind
feels heavy
these days

i really did think
for once
my hope would turn into
reality

real things
don't last

nothing.
lasts.

i want
your actions
to fulfill
my dreams

i know
you
were here

i can't prove it
but
i felt you
near

you did your part
and then let me go

only problem is
i'm still holding on

you thought i was going to work
but i went north instead

driving fast around the curves
until the road's end

i have to get to the top
to the highest point

it's the farthest i can get from you
and the closest to the sky

maybe the wind will just
******* away

each time i find the strength
to release this stress
it comes back to grip me
even tighter

memories
and
daydreams

both like smoke
elusive
and fading

my heart
always grasping
for more

will our story
be told
in a dream
or a future memory?

is one
more real
than the other?

i’m lying
everyday
to keep
us together

if
you're not
going to jump
into the fire
with me

if
you don't feel
this burning

if
it doesn't eat you up

if
i'm not enough


then
please
go
away

hope
disappointment
and hope again
always hope again