It began when I skipped lunch
When snacks became meals
And food became calories
I stopped standing and began to kneel
It started with pictures on blogs
Collar bones, thigh gap, dead eyes
Worshiping goddesses who never eat
Whose smoke curls as easy as their lies

It was about being weightless
Being skinny, being happy
To wither and fold into myself
"Somebody please look at me!"
Now my eyes are heavy
I have to hug the wall to get anywhere
Colorful bruises bloom on my legs
The room's spinning, black spots everywhere

I'm like Atlas, holding up my world
With shaky hands, bloods spattering everywhere
Step by step I keep moving, it's never enough
I'm killing myself over what size clothes I wear
Two years ago I wanted this
Asking Google a list of excuses not to eat
Now I think I'm dying, looking up heart arrhythmias
Because I can't follow a single beat

Love is a game of cards
Which I play with hands that fumble
While others hide the hearts on their sleeves
I try to speak without it coming out jumbled
I've been dealt a better hand than most
But I have no idea how to play it
I don't even have an adequate poker face
And my cards fall when I attempt a trick

Love is a game of Monopoly
In which I have little to offer
In a world of Rockefeller's and Morgan's
I sit on the side like a wallflower
An infinite cycle of going round and round
And I'm perpetually trying to catch up
But everyone's so far ahead of me
And the whole affair is quite corrupt

Love is a game of chess
In which I will never win
My moves come slow and hesitant
And I am trusting and easy to convince
Playing on a board of black and white
Although the game itself is in shades of grey
Drive me into a corner and call checkmate
Capture my heart then leave and I will never be okay

Love is a game of tug of war
An equilibrium between our ebb and flow
Keep pulling until we're hanging on by but a single thread
While I debate if the glass half empty or full
I'll always be the one loving more
Even when I don't let it show
And I'll be the one who ends up hurt
When you inevitably decide to let go

Love is a night of games in a casino
In a city of temptation and sin
Seal your covenants with a kiss
Sell your soul to the devil with the handsome grin
Make a wish,
And roll the dice,
Remember every rose has its thorns
And when jealousy blossoms, you'll pay the price

Love is a game of Russian Roulette
Which we all play willingly
Just another character flaw,
A human vulnerability
It's no use trying to protect anyone
Luck can save you time and time again
But you can't escape the bullet forever,
And we're all just victims of love in the end

I ate too much for breakfast today
And lunch was spent wondering if I should slip away
Wondering if I should go back for seconds
**** it, why not?
My feet jiggled nervously under the table
Trying to think of an excuse to leave
Trying to figure out how much the barbeque chicken pizza would hurt on the way back up
Trying to figure out how much I’d regret it
Trying to figure out if my body was okay
My self esteem balloons up and down
Somedays I look in the mirror and like what I see,
Think I look cute and quirky in my glasses and skirt,
Think my body is almost okay
And then like black crossing over to white, like a light switch flipped on
No inbetween
All of the sudden I am ugly
My body takes up too much space
Loving myself, loving this body seem like an impossible feat
The little critic in my head is back
And he wants to move back in,
I’m not cured
Recovery is not about loving your body
Recovery is accepting it
I’m still working on that
The calculator in my head wakes up,
Regenerates every time I’m around  food
My hands still hover over the diet soda before forcing myself to pick something that scares me more
I still have to bargain in my brain
Eat a salad so I can eat ice cream and cookies
Skip lunch so I can have a big dinner
Strip naked in front of a full mirror,
Watch my body standing up, bending over, sitting
Grabbing, pinching, prodding, poking
Surveying this piece of meat
This thing
This body
That I know I need to be kind to
I weighed myself for the first time in almost a year
My toe lingered over the cold surface of a scale
Like a child about to dip his feet into water
I knew standing on that scale could drag me under
And I did it anyway
Loving myself is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done
When self hatred has been tamped into my soul
When my eating disorder was the only thing I good at
This secret lover, the most attentive one you could have
Took my hand and showed me how an empty stomach could feel like love
My eating disorder was my best friend,
The abusive relationship I kept going back to,
The most interesting thing about me,
The thing that was killing me
Having an eating disorder is easy;
Allowing yourself to slip into a disease out of your control
Having someone else make all your decisions
Your life reduces itself to the numbers on the scale
The slipping numbers on the scale assure me that everything is alright
But I can’t live like that
Having an eating disorder is easy;
Recovery is hard

So much depends upon
The strength of that boy
That gangling brown haired boy
Who may be skin and bone
But somehow manages
To carry around the weight of loving me
Every day
And to have my burdens and baggage
On his back
But I'm scared that someday
His strength will fail him
And he'll be crushed
And I'll have been the undoing
Of the one person
I never wanted to see hurt

So much depends upon
The patience of that boy
That boy who is usually go go go
But for some reason slows down
And waits for me to catch up
And can always tell when something's wrong
And always cares
And listens to me complain
But I'm scared that someday
His patience will have run dry
And he'll take off running on his own
Because I held him back

So much depends upon
The blindness of that boy
Who is the smartest person I know
But was stupid enough
To fall in love with me
And I know it's selfish of me
But I wouldn't mind
If his love was unending
But I'm scared that someday
His blindness will dissolve
And he'll realize he deserves better
And the only person holding me together
Will hate me
As much as I hate myself

They say that love is blind
But unfortunately hate can make you blind
To a love that's right in front of you
Darling, untie the blindfold,
Open the curtains,
You're drowning so deep in your self loathing
You can't see how many people are jumping in after
Trying to save you from yourself

I remember that day in 7th grade
Back when you were still calling yourself Cassie
You were standing reserved and afraid
In gym class clad in shorts and words carved in your skin
That was the day I began to notice you

3 years later and we're best friends
Not much has changed except that you go by Nate now,
I still mess up pronouns sometimes,
Your body tells the tale of a war going on for years,
In that time
We've become a little bit wiser,
Hopefully a tad bit happier,
And your cuts go a little bit deeper

"Do you have a boyfriend?"
A family member would ask
I suppressed a smile thinking of you
"No" I'd reply, my face a mask

"Mommy, why are they holding hands?"
A little girl would want to know
I'd pull my hand away from yours
And manage a timid "Hello"

"You're obviously in love"
A friend of mine took note of my bliss
I finally admit it but changed pronouns
Turning every "her" into a "him"

"I'm bisexual and dating a girl"
I'd tell the mirror 1,000 times
Getting the courage to tell my parents
Then turning around and changing my mind

"Are you ashamed of us?"
She'd ask tears welling in her eyes
"No" I'd hug her close because it was true
I was only ashamed of myself and my disguise

It wasn't the carnation that made my day,
Nor the 3 fluffy teddy bears I found in my locker,
Not the hershey kiss you offered me
Those were sweet gestures,
I'm not saying I didn't love them
But material items can't replace that feeling
When you wrapped me up in your arms
And held me close
And said the 3 words I would never forget
It was the first time in a long time someone told me they loved me
And I completely believed them
My heart was racing, my face was red
Nothing can replace feeling loved
I feel loved

Secrets spill from your lips
In hiccuped slurry speech
That night you learned the most important lessons
Teachers never teach

You're on the fence
But you always tumble in an empty bottle
Trapped on all four sides
Looking up at the light, legs weak and wobbly

And those lines you stood by
Those boundaries began to blur
All that you believed in
Every bridge you charred and burned

Did you find the answers
Laced within those pills?
This self medication will make you numb
To what you must rebuild

He always told her
He liked the way
The moonlight silhouetted her face
And she always told him
She liked the way
He held the small of her back
When they swayed

And they had a hideaway
Where they always found each other
A park on a lake called Otisco
They'd walk and hardly notice the time
Gone by
And one day
He took a pocket knife
And carved their initials
Into the bark of a dead
Tattooed tree

They came every single day
And even though it belonged
To the community,
They felt it was theirs

And the sun rose and set
As did the moon
And they took time with them
And the soles of their shoes grew old
But this remained their spot
That they would always go
And they both wished they could
Freeze time
And lie on the grass
And memorize each line
On each others face
As they were now

And the wood on that tree
Slowly decayed
And the two lover's hearts grew old
But they were still every bit in love
With this park
With each other

And that girl
Now walks through the park alone
With tears falling down her
Wrinkled face
And she never notices the stares
And that tattooed tree had fallen months ago
She's beginning to forget
The exact lines in that boys face
Or the exact way he held the small
Of her back
And nothing scares her more
So she sits at the bench
She donated to the park
With the plaque that had
Their initials engraved
In dedication to the lovers
Who loved this park
As much as they loved each other
And she longs for the day
They'll walk beside each other again
When she makes it to the Pearly Gates
Until then, she'll just put one foot
In front of the other
Getting older with her shoe's soles
Walking in the echo
Of the love she once had

There's bad blood
In my veins
And it'll always
Be that way
I can deny my heritage,
And change my surname
But there are some things
That I can't change
Your love was a contract
Riddled with conditions and double standards
You pointed at the fine print
All of these years
You wanted all I had
You stole my youth
All I have is my heartbeat,
You can't have that too
I'm letting go
Because the bad blood is on your hands
And no matter what I do
You'll never understand
I can still hear your voice
Bouncing off the walls
Accusations of all of
My mistakes and flaws
And you're placing stones down
Paving the way to hell
Stuck in your illusion
Of heaven's bells
So I'll burn this bridge
Stand and watch the flames
And I know I'm in control
And things will change

I'm addicted to your hugs
Because our hearts are as close as they can be
And I swear my heart pumps blood
A little faster
When your arms are around me
And we are not two, but one

All or nothing
I've reached this crossroad
Before this, I've been hiding in fiction
In every word I've read and wrote

I'm stepping up to the plate
Because I can't stop the world
How much do I want to live?
How hard am I willing to battle?

Can I count on you
To lead my through this Wonderland?
If I take the easy route
Would you still hold my hand?

The road I walk on now
Is shrouded with hate and shame
And I'll have to fight impulses
As I'm inclined to stay the same

Because the future's in my palms
And I'll meet a dead end
If I keep up this way
And don't stop this trend

Standing at this pivot point
Preparing for what comes next
Since the hardest part of getting better
Is taking the first step

You're like a balloon
And if I let my guard down
You'll float away and I'll be alone
Honestly, the only thing worse
Than not having you
Is having you but feeling like I'm yours
But you're not mine
My jealousy will be our undoing
It's only a matter of time
Because love hurts
It's just a game of who gets it first
And we're playing Russian Roulette with our hearts
I'm so ******* paranoid that you're with girls that aren't me
And I know I have to leave you
Before you can leave me

Philosophy club
I wish I could speak
Whenever I try to say something
It comes out as a small squeak

Philosophy club
When he looks at me I feel frightened
I really hope no one
Expects me to say something enlightened

Philosophy club
I'm really passionate on paper
But debating in real life
And my confidence starts to taper

Philosophy club
I'm obviously no Socrates
I could probably share my thoughts
If it weren't for my social anxiety

When I think of you leaving
I see hundreds of scenarios
And dialogs speed through my brain
In some of them, you're as sad as I am that you're leaving
In some, you pack your bags with angry words
But in every single one
There's a final hug,
There's me breaking down,
And begging you to stay,
There's you actually going
And leaving me all alone
You can't just make me fall in love with you
And then say, "Goodbye."
There's me wondering if you're happier,
There's always my paranoia,
I always imagine you meeting a girl,
I imagine you forgetting my face,
And my laughter,
Until I'm but a stranger
And that new girl is all that runs in your mind
There's me sitting by a phone waiting for a call
That I'll never receive
I see me being lonely and depressed
Because you took my heart with you when you left

She used to kneel before her bed every night
Praying to God
Make me beautiful,
Make me skinny
He didn't make her beautiful,
Or skinny
But he graced her with depression and anxiety
So she took matters into her own hands
And she now kneels in front of her porcelain throne
Hair in a messy bun, trying to keep quiet
And she prays
*Make me disappear,
Make me die

Younger days,
Time long ago
How we've changed
Yeah, how we've grown
I couldn't have known
The gravity of that day
The clock ticked by
Everything felt the same
I don't believe in fate,
Not sure about destiny
Red strings are cute
But they aren't for me
We could have been
Like parallel lines
Could have gone on living
Without knowing your name
Forever in ignorance
Of what could have been
It would have passed by
Longing for a face never seen
We weren't parallel lines
Love caught me in its net
It all came together
On the day we met

There were once two sisters, two girls
With perfect bodies and beautiful curls 
Ana & Mia, anyone who was anyone knew their names
I wanted people to start noticing me and stop thinking I was plain 
I was told they would help me that was a guarantee
I was told they could work wonders on me
My friends told me they were deadly, told me to stay away
But they promised me beauty at such a small fee to pay
After a while I knew I wouldn't make it without them guiding my way 
I ignored everyone telling me I was just easy prey 
 
Ana & Mia 
The deadliest pair alive
Commited more crimes than Bonnie & Clyde 
More decietful than the Mendez brothers
A casualty rate like no other
They prey on girls with low self esteem 
Just one chat with them and you'll fall apart at the seams 
 
This is the story of how I fell into their trap 
I don't think I'll ever go back 
 
This is how the two of them became my masters 
I was just a plaything for the Nervosa sisters

My ribcage protects the heart
Constricting the love that's overflowing
And slowly dripping out
All to avoid any possible blows

My ribcage does not protect against
The stupidity of my brain
Who fell for the kind of boy I was warned about
Because of the one ***** that can't feel pain

And your hands became my ribs
They held my heart tight
My heart was in your palm
And I prayed you'd treat it right

Turns out you had a collection of hearts
Each varying conditions
So you put my heart in your back pocket
And it entered decomposition

The ribs protect from physical blows
And without even touching me
You've reached past my ribs
And stole the breath and love out of me

Behind these hazel eyes
There is a monster deep within
It bubbles deep inside
And always gets under my skin
It's irrational and stupid
And yet it's everywhere
Yes, I get it, she's perfect
But could she be perfect over there?
It's just my insecurity
I tell myself all the time
But I still find myself searching you
For evidence of a nonexistent crime
Dreams in which you love her
Easily cloud through my mind
When you and her walk ahead
And I'm left behind
It's not that I don't trust you
No matter what I heard
I'll always completely trust you
I just don't trust you with her
These green eyes are blocking
Out my sight
They won't go away
Try as I might
Green eyes
I only want you and me
Behind these loving hazel eyes
Lies a beast named jealousy

Dear Nick,
I'm really quite sorry that I'm bad at this relationship thing
Please realize that I expected to never be loved and live with 75 cats
And I half expect you to start laughing and say "This was all a social experiment!"
But for you, I'm trying to be better at this relationship thing

Dear Nick,
I'm sorry it took me so long to call you back
You see, I have a crippling phone anxiety
and whenever I have to call someone I have a panic attack
But even if it takes pacing for 30 minutes, I'll always call you back

Dear Nick,
Sorry that I pulled back that day you tried to kiss me
And then made a dumb excuse how your breath smelled like popcorn
It didn't, and even if it did I wouldn't have minded
And now the only time your lips are on mine are in my dreams

Dear Nick,
I'm sorry I'm bad at expressing my feelings
And I can only tell you 'I love you' in cryptic rhymes in written word
And I'm writing you this poem you'll never see
But just know, you've been a huge inspiration to me

Dear Nick,
I'm sorry I say sorry for everything
I'm just so used to ******* up things
But I must be doing something right
Because you still loved me through anything
Maybe I'm not too bad at this relationship thing

Ashes to ashes,
Dust to dust
My lungs are slowly blackening
With my accumulating cigarette butts
They tell me it's stupid
"Do you want to die?"
I just blow smoke in their face and say
"It may be suicide, but it makes me feel alive."
They'll wrinkle the nose at my smell
Walk away in disgust
And I'll just burn up my body
Until I return to dust

Nobody can age without
Making mistakes
So I know that we're both
Destined to change
The soles of our shoes
Have grown side by side
But someday you'll go left
And I'll turn right
Memories are fallible
But they can't be replaced
And I'll use this faulty camera
To hold onto pictures of your youthful face
And no matter how much happens
No matter if we say goodbye
I will always remember you
You'll always be nearby
Because you're like Midas
With you, I felt like gold, loved and unpriced
This gold mine heart will linger
With your touch my whole life

We're all stuck
In this panopticon
They promise us
Work will make us free
But they've lied about everything
So far
In the ***** ghettoes
Death was a fickle friend
My mom held me tight
And told me that everything
Would be just fine
But her last intake of breath
Was a poison
That overtook her lungs
And everything
Is not fine
And I'm starting to wonder
What freedom are they promising
It's ironic that our work should not
Make us free from these camps
But make us free from life

There will come a day
When you think of me
And think about what was us
And you'll think,
"I sure dodged a bullet"
The day you think that,
Is the day I put one
Through my brain

Darling,
You deserve more
Than what this world
Could ever give to you
And trust me,
If I could take your pain
And suffering
And make it my own
I'd do it in a heartbeat
Because you are more beautiful
Than Michelangelo's David,
And you turned this pessimist
Into a believer in humanity
And you've turned this atheist
Into a believer of angels
Because what else could you be?
And you make me wish there was More
Because I want more for you
Because every time my ears against
Your chest
It reminds me
That when it comes down to it,
You're just human
And no human can escape oblivion
But you deserve so much better
Because it's amazing
That there are 7 billion people
But when we're together,
I only see you
And I hope you only see me

Roses are sprouting
The violets in bloom
The rain is falling hard
Just like I am for you

My words aren't  graceful or eloquent
I've never been a good writer
And everything I want to say sounds inadequate
I can never find the right words to say
I could write volumes about you
But everything just comes out as a cliche
So I'll just listen to a love song
Because everyone's better at saying what I think
It's not unusual that you leave me tongue tied with no response
And everytime I try to string letters in a coherent  thought
I just get your name
Only your name

The first thing I saw on my schedule was Photography first period in Room B22
My first photography class started with me rushing in tardy with tears
I sat far away from everyone else trying to disappear
I had no friends in that class and I didn't think i'd like Room B22

There was a boy in my class in Room B22
I didn't notice him at first but he seemed kind
He was scrawny and cute with brunette hair just a few shades lighter than mine
I still didn't know anyone in Room B22

That boy talked to me one day in Room B22
And I tried to remember his name
I think it was Nathan...or Nick....or may be James
Wait! James was his brother and he was Nick, one of the many things I learned in Room B22

I started a friendship with Nicholas in Room B22
He'd always show off his pictures in the dark room
And I'd flick water at him while the other students fumed
I was glad I formed a friendship in Room B22

Our friendship began to grow outside of Room B22
We would talk in the hallway and exchange words
I grew fond of him and when we said goodbye, I missed him afterwards
I thought about how I never would have met him if it weren't for Room B22

I developed a little crush on him in Room B22
I tried so many times to tell him but the words got caught in my throat
I was concerned about our friendship and lost all hope
I held a lot of things back in Room B22

I fell completely in love in Room B22
I told him things I couldn't confess to myself
And he never treated me any differently, like I was someone else
I met my best friend and my first love in Room B22

The day you left me was the day the world flipped upside down
It was the day we hit absolute zero,
The day there were no wars, no conflict, no death
The day you left me
Was the day everything I thought was impossible happened
You were the nerd, the perfectionist
Always memorizing facts of the arcane
Leaching Wikipedia articles for all they had
Too busy with science to prioritize matters of the heart
And I was too busy dissecting muffins, picturing my bones as a perfect xylophone
Imagining myself shrinking and shrinking until I was as hallow as I felt
You wanted a science experiment so bad, too bad you never realized you were dating one
You’ll never know how much I loved you
There are archives, poems stashed away of our love
Snapshots that force me back to the days when you loved me too
When a writer falls in love with you, you can never die
You will live on in the words I wrote, spend years in a dusty box tucked in the attic
But you will never be gone
And I will never forget
And you’ll never know how much I miss you
Oh, God, I miss you
I wish I’d told you I loved you more
I wish I’d counted all your freckles
I wish I’d made the time spent with you count
You told me you still wanted to be friends
But how am I supposed to be friends with someone whose lips are still stamped on my brain?
How am I supposed to be friends with the person who I thought would be my beginning and end?
How am I supposed to get over you?
I miss you so much
But I also miss the feeling of hunger, I miss sneaking off to the bathroom to rid myself of guilt, I miss the sadness that was so strong I couldn’t tell where I ended and it began
I can’t hurt myself anymore
My hands are as red with guilt as yours are
I chose depression over you
Every time I canceled plans,
Every time I pushed you away,
Every time I hid inside myself
I made you a third wheel in your own relationship,
Took the hand of depression while you watched on
Forced you to see our inside jokes
Paraded my infidelity in front of you
I have other loves now
I am head over heels in love with the human brain
I’m not much for flirting
But talk to me about the self-fulfilling prophecies and cognitive dissonance and I will fill your mind from dawn till dusk
And I am in love with words
With flipping through the pages of a book and knowing there’s a story there
With the greeting of warm papers from the printer and the click of my keyboard as I fill up empty space with life
Would I be alive to enjoy these things if it wasn’t for you?
I don’t know
But I am not obligated to take your outstretched offer of friendship
If I have learned anything in recovery it’s that I need to put myself first
I don’t owe you any friendship just so you can feel better for breaking my heart
So If I can’t be your girlfriend and I can’t be your friend
I guess that makes me nothing at all

When I was a little girl
And my mother still laid out clothes for me
She'd always tell me
"You're the prettiest girl in your class,
But you'd be beautiful if you combed your hair more."

When I was a bit older
And I didn't care much
About what I wore
My mom would always say
"You'd be beautiful if your clothes matched."

When I was 14,
And I skipped breakfast and lunch
And binged at dinner
I lost my appetite
And felt like throwing up
When my mom said
"You'd be beautiful if you didn't eat so much."

I wonder if you saw what I did to myself
If you'd have the nerve to tell me
"You'd be beautiful if only you didn't
Take a razor to your wrist or a finger to your throat."

Monsters have to receive an invitation
Before coming inside
That's what I read in stories
But I never let you in my mind
You didn't come all at once
You came like a thief in the night
But you waited patiently
To start shutting off the lights
You manifested yourself
In comments my mother made
In that sinking feeling I felt
That cut me like a blade
Now that I think of it
You were always there
Reminding me of nights I cried
idontcareidontcareidontcare
You broke the rules
I never gave you an offering
But you didn't care
And now I'm housing all this suffering
I can't think straight
And all my walls are crumbling
It's permeable
And the rain keeps pouring
This sorrow is going to drown me
And I think I might just let it
In a place I can only hear my heart beating
Where I can't take any more hits
It's a truth I can no longer deny
As I'm swimming in this sea
I do not have depression
Depression has me

I'm so scared of the day when the future that I'm so terrified of
Is no longer the future

Your "I love you's" are like a blanket
They keep me safe and warm
No matter how many words I stitch
I know it will someday be old and worn

Preparing for hibernation
When it's only just now spring
I cherish the birds each day
Every time they open up and sing

Because I can foresee the leaves falling
I know our love is finite
Because even while looking forward
I'm stuck in the hindsight

So as the first snow falls
I'll enjoy our remaining time
And prepare myself for the day your "I love you's"
Will no longer be mine

Giggly and red eyed,
Stumbling over your feet
And words
Rolling joints behind school
Feeling the highest of highs
And we're dreaming on cloud nine
Just for a while
To numb the pain
And forget our war torn wrists
And we can see a silver lining
When we're with dear Mary Jane
And it's now that I realize
These are not problems,
They are our solutions

She remembers when she was little
In school they'd warn against using drugs and smoking
Used to scare us with statistics and facts
She promised herself she'd never smoke or do drugs
Why would anyone ruin their life like that?

Fast forward 10 years, she kept her promise so far
She's obsessed with another kind of self destruction though
She cuts her skin, purges, and starves
She feels sympathy for people who do drugs and smoke
After all, they're just numbing the pain