I am not in the business of
Listening to lies
Which is why I hardly hear
When you say "I love you"
Love is the most overused word
In the english language
"I love this song!"
"I love this book!"
"I love that movie!"
"I love you."
It's become an impulse,
A reflex
Spoken in a monotone voice
Because I'm expected to
And every time we exchange those words
It feels like a transaction to me
When the words slip from your mouth
They feel clumsy and awkward
With no passion and not a hint of truth
Everyone tells me you don't mean those things
That you yell at me
That you say things without thinking
But just because you speak without a filter
Doesn't mean it's not true
If anger and abuse is the only kind of love
You have to offer
Then I don't ******* want it
You can keep your double standards
And your lies
I thought a mother
Was supposed to have
An agape kind of love
Not make their daughters
Feel like burdens
For even being alive
You've classically conditioned me
To not believe a word anyone says
I've had hope far too many times
And whenever you tell me you love me
And I fail to reply
You'll start yelling yet again
But you don't understand,
That unlike you,
I am not in the business of
Telling people lies

She wasn't a religious girl
Lost faith a long time ago
She had been disappointed one too many times to believe
Told herself she'd never go back

And then she met a boy
Who shared her lack of belief
Every time she saw him it felt like heaven
But she reminded herself he'd eventually leave

This boy was more of a saint really
He was too good to be true
She waited for the inevitable heartbreak
Which was far overdue

He stayed by her side though
And she began to think about how
He was there when God never showed and
If it was possible to be an atheist who believed in angels

I still remember
Her kisses laced with chap stick and wine
I remember her emerald eyes shining
In the dark
I remember her whispering
"To be continued?"
I know she had blackened lungs,
A messed up past
And a crooked heart
But I still loved her
With all of mine
I remember that question
That haunted her
"How will we ever get out
Of this labyrinth of suffering?"
I know all this
But I will never know
The last words she spoke

I will drown out
Their ignorance
With our love

And I will down
The bread and grape juice
Thinking only of us
Drinking champagne

And as the pastor preaches
I will smile, not frown
Because all I'll hear are your sweet
"I love you's" on repeat

And I'll perk up
When I hear the world "angel"
Because I may be an atheist
And thought I have no God,
I have you
And you're **** close
To an angel

And I will stand
When the band begins to play
Because I'll be thinking of you
Strumming your guitar
Because you're a symphony
And you hush all cacophony  

There will be no tears shed
When I leave this church pew
I'll pay no mind to the fact
That I'm surrounded by people
Who think I'm living in sin

My mom thinks she's "curing"
My love for you
As I radiate in church
But it's only because I'm thinking
Of that girl with blue hair
Who's there for me
When God isn't
And kisses my lips
In public
And her gray eyes
Full of life
Block out any ugly stares
When people look at us
They see two girls kissing
But I see two humans
Deep in love
But apparently it's sin
Just because you're the same gender
As me

And those people in church must think
I'm just like them
And I suppose we at least have one thing
In common:
We'd both fight for our love

First love is stumbling upon an unfamiliar path
A gust of wind in your sails,
You try to ***** the danger from above
But misty clouds serve as a veil
That's the thing about first love
You can't turn around now that you've departed
You just have to ride it through
These seas left uncharted

I made a comment about jumping off a building the other day
And you looked at me and said "You shouldn't joke about suicide."
And I completely agreed, suicide is not a joke
But little did you know, I wasn't joking
And even though I smiled as I said it,
I silently begged you to see behind it
And pull me far, far away from the edge
Before I fell where no one could reach me
Because their is a huge difference between wanting to die
And wanting to **** yourself
It can make the difference between life and death
And I'm afraid I've gotten to the point
That I might just want both

The end of your rope
Became a noose round my neck
I'll be with you soon

When I fell in love with you
It was like the Big Bang
A celestial cataclysm
And the world was no longer blank

And you were a paint brush
And all it took was a small splotch
To fall and color rippled across the page
Ambiguous like Rorschach's ink blots

And you were a match
A catalyst for the spark
You burned the bubble wrap
That was restricting my heart

You were first life
In a cold and barren land  
The bud of a rose
Bursting through the ash

And you were an explosion
The Big Bang which created the cosmos
Before you there was nothing
Until you were all there was

I woke up breathless and perplexed
The veil between reality and dreams hazy
I felt the ghost of your lips on mine
And then remembered they were never there to begin with

Saying "I love you"
To hear it back from your lips
A reassurance

The only way in which this love story is unrequited
Is that he loves her, but she hates herself

You'll always be two steps ahead
In this game called 'the chase'
You'll always cross the finish line first
Because to you, love's just a race
You'll hold my heart
You've already won
Because you took off running
Before I knew it had even begun

A few days ago you asked me about college
And I told you the future was a ******* hole I don't want to think about
You said "I like that metaphor, or analogy or whatever that would be called."
I said, "All I know if college is a way for me to get out."
You then told me you wanted to go somewhere all across the ******* country
All of the sudden a million scenarios of us saying goodbye flooded me
This is one instance where I'd prefer to hear the pretty lies
That you'll never leave
And that our love will never die
I'm not stupid and I know that one day,
The memories of me will be a thing of the past
But just thinking about it
Puts into perspective that this will never last

Late night Skype calls,
Already organized around our busy schedules
Because we both can't let our grades fall

And I think of the days when you were just one call away
No time difference between us
And I could see you any day

Tired eyes and caffeine
You promised me the future
So why is it that I only see you over a LCD?

I've got a million books piled besides me
I know I need an education
But do I really want a future without you next to me?

The rhythm of your footsteps in sync with mine
It's the sweetest sound I know
And I conjure up an image of our hands intertwined

It's an unspoken truth we both don't want to admit
Our calls are getting shorter
I can't believe you're the same Nick

Tears fall till none remain
I know if you could, you'd wipe them all away
And I hope when you cry, you know I would do the same

Yesterday wasn't the first time you said those three words
It's been twice now that you've mentioned the 'L' word
Once in a Christmas card,
And once you actually said it
Before leaving while I began tearing up
Choked by my feeling
And things I want to say
What was special about this time however
Was that I said it first
It's not the first time I used the word 'love' in relation to you
But I've only ever admitted I loved you in writing
Hidden away
To doubtful to say it outloud
I'm amazing at holding back
And letting moments pass me by
But you gave me faith enough to actually say those three words
Back to you

The thing I hate most about you isn't what you'd think
Sure the abuse is horrible
And you never could take a hint
But that's not what I hate most about you

I hate how you insult and bruise me
And then call it "love"
How you always compare me to my friends who I can never be
But there is still something more that I hate about you

I'm terrified that one day
I'll wear a ring on my finger, bound to someone I hate
And I'll have a girl who still has faith and prays
I'm scared that she'll become me and I'll turn into you
And that's the thing I hate the most about you

Oh how quickly my view of food has changed
I honestly believe i'm going deranged
I used to be happy in my skin
Now whenever I eat I feel I have sinned
Ads in magazines showing me what I should be
My disgusting fat gone is what I want to see
I've been eating less and less each day
Yet my unsatisfaction with my weight always stays
May be you'll notice me when i'm thin
This deadly battle I will never win
The number on the scale has taken over my life
I don't know how much longer I can deal with this strife
They say "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels."
So I decided to skip all my meals
I'll just continue starving myself to death
My self hatred will surely take my last breath

I thought your love would save me
I thought your hugs would replace my medication
You kisses could be my therapy

I thought you could fix what had been broken
I wanted so badly to believe so
But I was wrong again

I thought it would be like the movies
And you could be my Prince Charming
You’d take away my disease

In real life there are no perfect endings
You can’t shield someone from hurt
Won’t protect them from everything

You can’t unshatter a heart
You can only put bandages on the bruises
You can’t put back what’s been ripped apart

I thought your love would save me
Wanted it more than anything
Thought it would be a cure
So why do I still think these things?
I’ve learned that how you feel about me,
Doesn't change how I feel about myself
And not even a sea of love
Can make my love myself