I have a little black book
Inside are names
Names of those I know
Some I love
Some I onced loved
Some I came to despise
Every time I open the book
It makes me sad
Most of these names
I haven't spoken to in years
Some I barely remember
Sometimes I add new names
Not as often as I used to
And every time I do
A light shines inside
Before being extinguished
Once again
As I close my little black book
A little black book full of me

When I put my headphones on
Everything just seems to melt away

Then a slow upwelling of assorted instruments
Violin, cello, piano
I hum along

Then words; many of them, sometimes strangely arranged
Waiting to be interpreted
I sing

The song is always one that resonates within me
It has deeper meaning
I ponder

A drum beat unlike any other
Changing time and rhythm
I play along on my desk

I've never felt or experienced more
Than when I'm lost in my music

Thine eyes I see
Warm pools of tea
From whom they be
Staring back at me

My gaze to thee
I give for free
In which to see
Your love reflected back to me

Cold and lost—
I wander aimlessly;
Bonechilling rain and icy winds

It bites at my cheeks—
Wind threatening
To knock me off my feet;

I fall—
To my knees, then prone;
I cannot go on

Soaked to the bone—
Consciousness fading;
I freeze

Her head upon my chest
Resting; sobbing
Her arms around me
And mine around her
I know this feeling
I've been there before
I wish I could just take it
Free you of this burden
It's the least I could do for you
To bear the weight of your pain
It's my duty to protect you
Especially when you cannot protect yourself

Her voice; her touch;
The way her hands feel—
Coursing through my hair

All her love; her emotion;
The way she clings to me—
In her times of need, and mine

Sometimes I think she needs me more;
Sometimes I think she doesn't mean it—
Like her words cut my skin
Like a knife through butter—

I don't deserve her;
She cares more than anyone ever could—
I swear it couldn't be meant for me

But it is; all of it;
It's overwhelming at times—
I don't deserve it

I couldn't possibly deserve it;
Not a chance in hell—
But still she tries
Still she loves me; still—

Wither away
Like a rose past its prime
Like leaves in the fall

Wither away
Like a dying soul

Wither away
Until the light fades
Until your sight blurs

Wither
Until you can't feel the pain anymore

All that I am—this hate reflected inward;
An echo of guilt wrapped in disdain
Lost to the inevitability of passing time
Yet still it lives

All that I know—this sadness you see;
I don't let you close though I should
A life gone in an instant leaving nothing behind
But this crumbling façade

All that I feel—this vestigial regret; no, fear;
Ties with which to bind me to this life;
To keep me tethered to this world
Yet still ethereally

All that we project—the unwarranted attacks;
The bridges I've burned, rebuilt, and burned again
All to feel something other than sorrow
Meant for no one

All that I see—the flames around me; burning;
This reflection of what's beyond this calm exterior
The love and hate; The love of hate; The hate of love;
The gyre beneath the surface

All of this turmoil—this undeserved turbulence;
The love I thought to give, but was mistaken
The hate I sought to hide, but was misappropriated
Is all I see

And all I see is failure on my part; of my control;
Of my desires hidden with lock and key;
And of searing anger unconstrained
Eternity in vain

Soft husky
Warm husky
Little ball of fur

O' to be
A little cutie
With fur as soft as yours

We stand strong through thick and thin;
Steeled for the future and what it may bring
But our foundations are frail and brittle;
And thus, the fat lady shall sing

Darkness awakens
Shadows shroud my soul

Light is fading
Shaking, shivering, cold

Dreams infiltrate
Restless nights and lack of sleep abound

World's ending
Cities scorched and burning to the ground

I close my eyes and hide myself away
Content for now to suffer
The fear I know; The words I'll never say

I run and run, to where I do not know
Unsure of the path I'm taking
Unsure of what the future does not show

Raining fire
Everything I knew and loved is gone

Slowly dying
Are all the ones I've truly loved and known

Why am I still alive in all the flames
Why must I survive the torment
Of my mind's sickening games

Why am I the only one who's left
Why could the end
Not have stolen my final breath

Midnight, awoken
Vivid visions of our final days

Heart's pounding
Frightened of the end of our ways

I know not the reason for this torture
I know not why I cannot sleep
I know not the cause of my vision
I know not why it won't leave me be

It's funny
It's so easy to tell myself
Words don't matter
What they say can't hurt you

But you can say whatever you want
Nothing really matters when all you are is a facade
Just an emotionless wall on the outside
Slowly rotting away on the inside

Their words are my own now
Echoes of the emotions trapped within the void inside me
Unable to escape
Trapped in the black hole that is me

I've always wanted to travel through space
Visiting planets and moons along the way
I imagine on saturn it would be quite a sight
To look up and see the rings at night

Brilliant colors streaming across the sky
Beauty so intense it might make me cry
I'd want to share this experience
But I'd need to not be alone for once

Lightning lights the skies
Electricity in my eyes
But thunder roars no louder
Than a beating heart

She lights more than the sky
Brighter than the sun;
Illuminating the darkest nights

Every day when the time has come
I walk to a door kept closed

Inside this room, a grand stage
As I enter, the lights dim
And I'm transported

To a world of fantasy and surrealism

A place where one may be entertained
Thrilled and excited, or frightened and harrowed
A Theater of Dreams

A theater free of charge
But where you'll never know what you'll get

On the stage plays the show
A show that even if I were to close my eyes
I'd never miss a second

A show about love and hate
Mania and depression, cyclicality and repetition

A show where the meaning may never be known

Perhaps recounting the events of the past
Or the mistakes you've made

Perhaps a portent of good fortune
Or an omen of ill fate

And just when one starts to find the meaning
The lights come on; the curtain falls
The show is over, and you're left
With more questions than answers

Was it a fantastic thriller?
Or a harrowing omen?
Was it a surreal experience?
Or a frightening vision?

The only certainty is that I find myself
Coming back again and again
Trying to see the same show
Trying to perceive new meaning

But every night, the cast is different
And the subject is unfamiliar
Yet the outcome is always the same
I do not know the meaning

And every day when the time has come
I walk to a door kept closed

To a world of fantasy and surrealism

Blank screen, as usual

It seems I never know what to say
Never know what to do either
I just sit here, wondering how I can even
Begin to let my thoughts spill out

Just words without a purpose
Thoughts without reason
Crumbling vestiges of what I feel
Lost in translation

Like trying to go to work
But being hit by a bus in the crosswalk
Never reaching their destination
Much to the feigned dismay of coworkers

Life continues
I'll just take another sick day, I guess

A shift of winds
A change of seasons

A chill in the air
As darkness turns to white

Like fading to static

The joy in my heart
The smile on my face

Before it all ends
And fades to black once again

As I watch the weather change

That pain inside your heart; I know it all too well
You see it in me every day
The darkness of my soul; it looms over you
And I never wished it was this way

Deep inside my mind is a burning world of pain and fire
I live in it; burn in it; die in it
I never wanted any of this endless living hell
To play out before your eyes

I want you to know I never meant any of it
I wish it were true that anything could help
I want you to know you're innocent in this
The loving words you say mean the world to me

The pain I feel is not your fault
It's plagued me all my life
The blood I've spilt and hate I've felt
A symptom of the strife

My life is worth just a fraction
Of the love you give
It means the world to me just
To be there by your side

I wish I never had this hidden world beneath the skin
I wish you never had to see this horrid part of me
I wish we never fought like this; my heart shatters at the thought
I wish my soul wasn't tainted by this troubled sea

I want you to know I never meant any of it
I wish it were true that anything could help
I want you to know you're innocent in this
The loving words you say mean the world to me

If I ever see the light
I'll be there by your side
I want you to know I love you so much more
Than the demons inside want you to see

Everyday I make a cup of tea
Or two, or three

But everyday I always forget
That I made my cup of tea

...

Now I have iced tea

Swinging to and fro;
A delicate dance—
Locked in rhythmic patterns;
And asynchronous chaos

Entropy of the mind—
An internalized butterfly effect
In perpetual motion;
Perpetual motion sickness

Maddening to say the least
Is our dance of life—
Hand in hand with death;
Walking the line forevermore

It's a dance none can see—
A tango of the mind;
Our personal recital of life and death
Our swan song

Swaying to the symphony—
In familiar patterns in our minds;
Arrhythmic chaos external
Cessation within

A manifestation of grief—
A life lost; taken; nay, stolen
Patterns invisible
Swinging in the maelstrom of life

Rain, the source of life
Each drop blessing the leaves
The soil; The Earth
It cleanses and renews
It brings hope
And on the darkest of nights
It provides a calming respite

Love is to see the forest through the trees
And the mountains beyond
When the land is obscured by fog

To feel the presence of another
And to feel her desire

Love is to embrace the coldest winter nights
Empowered with faith the thaw will come
And spring will warm our hearts

To listen to the rain against your window
And know that everything is alright

Hey, are you there?

If I waved my hand
As if to attract your attention

Would you see me?

Would you even
Go as far as to
Wave back?

Can you see me
In the darkness

Can you see my
Desire for your attention

Even if it is just trivial
In the end...

If I called out to you
"Hello"

Would you hear me?

Might you even
Ask me a question?
"How are you?"

Can you hear me
Through the strife?

Can you hear my
Call for your atention?

Even if it is just trivial
In the end...

Can you feel
My grasp slip away
As I fall into despair?

Can you hear
My cries for help
As the bond begins to tear?

Can you see
My final breath?
Or do your even care?

Why?

Why even care?
Notice?
Acknowledge?

I'm just a grain of sand...

Dust in the wind...

Maybe there are others...

So I ask...

"Hey, are you there?"

Arms open, looking up
Taking in the world with each breath
Inhaling the toxicity and poison
But no less returning the gift of life
As I plant my feet firmly in the soil
Long devoid of all essence
Eroding away in the same winds
Which threaten to topple me
My purpose is to give
I act as a buffer
My voice goes unheard
And my legs are broken

And all I did was give the gift of life

New fallen snow on a cold winter night
Peaceful and serene—Not a human in sight
Delicate flakes which glitter in the light
Tossing and turning and tumbling in flight

My blanket is something I very closely hold
For this night is frigid, and I'm quite cold
My love is much too lonely, or so I've been told
She'd be with me tonight if she really could

I hate this feeling far too much
All of this wretched loneliness and such
And though I wish not to use this as a crutch
I'm just too incredibly starved of her touch

To feel her warmth as we admire the snow
Is a feeling I truly wish I could know
And now I can feel the wind start to blow
The cold, uncaring truth it will show

She graced me with her presence tonight
I cherish these moments
Couldn't bare to lose them
To lose her
Or any of the rest

To love is much more than to kiss
Or to hug or caress
It is to be there
When the night is long
To just coexist

It is much more than to
Just say I love you
It is much more than to
Just hear her say it back

To love is to hear her voice
When she says "goodnight"
To shed a tear when you must part ways

I cherish these moments
We don't talk about important things

And I couldn't bare to have it any other way
Than for her to grace me with her presence

The story is beautiful
Words organized expertly
Feelings poured out onto the page

But the feelings are staining the paper
And some words can no longer be seen
Beauty can be quite dangerous at times

It blinds us to the growing pool
Emotions leaking out
Only to be sopped up with a damp rag

And tossed in the
     Trash
          Never to be seen
               Again

I'm okay
          I'm okay

                              I'm okay
          I'm okay

                    I'm okay
    I'm okay

                                              I'm okay

I'm never alone
I have my thoughts

Happy thoughts
Sad thoughts

Joyful thoughts
Lonely thoughts

Anxious thoughts
Depressive thoughts

Painful thoughts
Hurtful thoughts

Happy thoughts
Happy thoughts
Happy thoughts

I wish I was alone

From day to day filled with gray
A dream portrayed
With silver lined clouds and fog to cut with a knife
Days of calm and nights filled with strife

A love lost and a love won
One to stay and one with sadness long gone
A new life to live and a new page turned
One in which my love has been returned

A dream in which I'm happy and yet still alive
One for us to thrive
A dream to soon come true
Through and through

She, like I, is a beauty to my wandering eye
Like a beautiful butterfly
And she is mine to cherish
And to hold forever; I wish