I noticed a while ago.
I am subconsciously
Objectifying everyone.
And when I think about it
Objectified people
Are easier
To deal with.
I don't think this odd tendency of mine is
Natural.
In fact, I'm sure it isn't.
It's the result of a subdued conscience.
A conscience I always had.
I cared deeply for others.
I felt bad
Cried myself to sleep
For the smallest things.
An offhand insult I wasn't sure was even heard.
A chip taken from the lunch table.
An argument to be forgotten and ignored the next day.
I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach.
I cried
Hated myself
Continuously hit myself
Cried more
And had nightmares.
As I got older
These feelings faded
But still I get these pains in the pit of my stomach.
And I remember how I was
Before I was numbed by
Objectification.
I saw people as people.
I cried because
I don't want people to feel bad.
Not because of me!
I can't think of anything worse
Than being that picture on a dartboard
That gives the incentive to
Never.
Miss.
To be hated.
Even disliked.
Thought of as trash
As I often am
I suspect.
Looks of disgust I draw
From people I care for
Who I don't want to hurt
Who constantly hurt me.
It tears me apart
And as I write this I feel tears welling up
Which they haven't done for
Years.
I began this objectification.
"That's just a dumb person."
"He's an idiot."
"Just one of those mean kids."
And I stopped caring if I hurt them
Because caring hurts.
A lot.

I want a lot of things.

Food.

Water.

Friends.

Family.

Shelter.

Comfort.

Li­fe.

Love.

Understanding.

Money.

Experiences.

Joy.

Fellowshi­p.

Yearning.

Knowing other souls.

To help others.

Time.

But what do I
Really


*NEED?

Real love is
Knowing the worst thing about someone
And being okay with it.
Does your
"Significant other"
Know yours?
Do you know theirs?
And is it okay?
That's how you know.

Sometimes you don't want to be
Big.
You don't want to be supporting
Others.
You want to be supported.
Held.
You want to curl up and be hugged.
Fall asleep in someone's arms.
But you'll often find
Being big can be nice.

Even after we part
Your scent lingers on me
And I love it.

It lulls me to sleep.

Being first would be good
But the problem with first is
If something were to happen
If I were to hurt you
Further along the road
I wouldn't want to be a
First mistake.

I don't know why I'm still thinking about it
But it's way too much pressure right now.
Though I want it badly
It's impossible.

Conditional love
Is not love at all.
It is a contract.
A contract saying that you will
Act a certain way
If the other person acts the right way.
And if that contract is violated
Your "love" would be
Void.
Love is a promise.
A promise that you will not stop
Caring for the other person
No matter what happens
What they say
Or do
That you may not like.
You love them anyway.
If you love someone
You will stay by their side
Through thick and thin
Through all trials and tribulations
That life may throw at you.

At least, that's what I think.