Seven shots of tequila and one or three cocktails later I lifted my phone.
In my camera I thought about how beautiful you would say I am.
So into that camera I began to spill.
I rambled on. I fumbled words. I laughed. My voiced cracked. Club music played behind me.
I still hit send because I am an idiot.
Days pass and night comes. I am in your bed. My head on your shoulder as my fingers toy with the soft patch of hair on your chest.
Please? you ask as your finger lingers over the button. You had already watched it more than once and wanted to watch it with me.
How was I going to say no?
And, so I watched myself drunk with truth serum tell you my passion, my love, my devotion, my fears, my hopes for us.
I can hear your heart quicken as your  grip on my hip tightens. The moment the video ends you are rolling me to my back. The weight of you makes me wet as you capture my mouth and pour your returned passion. love, fear, and hope into a kiss.
Your mouth and teeth move from breast to ******* over and over as you take long strides into my silky smoothness. I don't know where one ****** ends and another begins  You capture my mouth and we drink from each other in long desperate gulps.
It had been too long since love had been kind.
Since love had been real.
You are hanging on as if I could leave you at any minute. You're in me as deep as you can go and ******* my bottom lip as I moan. My pretty  pink-then candy red ****** then gets your attention and I marvel at your long your lashes are, And, then those lust filled diamond eyes flutter open and I lose my ******* mind.  The heat soaks my porcelain thighs. You don't want to let go. you dont want the moment to end. You hang on bury your face in me and breathe me in. I feel your love and desperation more than I ever thought I would be allowed to witness.
What you need to know and never once doubt is that Tequila was not speaking.
I was.
I want this more than I have wanted anything in a long time.
I want us.
I want you.

I have to keep reminding myself why we don't work.
All my heart wants to remember is how we do.
I have to remember the ways you are not good to me or for me.
Because, my body wants to take you in over and over again.
Logic has to prevail here. I can't go back.
I hope you wouldn't take me back if I tried.
I hope you're thinking of how many times we have been unhappy and not how you felt in my embrace.
Don't think about how I held you or my hands running down your back.
Do not remember how we laughed or how I moaned and bit your sheets.
Remember my frown. Remember that I don't fit with you.
Don't let me back in.
You once called us two storms colliding.
We made a wreck of each other.
It wasn't what I wanted.
You were what I wanted.
But, I guess I didn't really know you at all.
You are so utterly broken.
I'm a little broken, too.

I want you.
I want you in me.
I want your mouth.
I want the salt of your skin to linger on my tongue long after we part.

I want you.
I want your bad jokes.
I want your lingering gaze.
I want your smile when I say "Hi." when I mean to say "I am falling hard. And, it scares me."

I want you.
I want your fears laid out for me so that I may help conquer them.
I want your emoji game to get better and better. (Gimme all those gifs, Baby)
I want your indecision spoken aloud so I can  help you choose us again and again.

I want you.
The guilt you carry for things long done.
The things that keep you awake at night.
You can trust them with me when you're ready to tell.

I want you, but I don't need you.
I can live without you.
I am plenty strong.
I have survived worse than losing you.

I am choosing you.
Want is stronger than need.
Need is desperation.
Need is suffocating.

I don't have to love you.
But, I want to.
I hope to.
I will.

Little White house on the corner
Where two presidents meet

Not much to look at
yet it holds so much history

Nothing most would be interested in
Just a little girl's horror and shame

There in a room papered with puppies and kittens  
I, a child, laid in an ornate daybed

I should had been safe
I wasn't

I have not returned in so long
yet I also have never left

I sit
parked
strong and fragile
where two presidents meet
remembering the things better forgotten

But, one cant forget what shapes you.
All anyone can do is be better than where you came from
and hope that any child that may now sleep in
the house on Roosevelt street
is safer than I ever was.

I want to know you
What makes you tick
What makes your body hum
I want to explore every contour
The curves and edges
I want to know the real you
uncensored
Your thoughts
All the weird
All the fear
All the brave.
I want inside jokes
I want the ability to read your mood with one glance
I want you
All of you