It's funny
I never thought of myself as a closed door
But when you walked after me,
I wanted to build a wall between us
I wanted to run as fast as I could away from you,
and all your possibilities
I realized I've been so afraid of the bad,
I've refused to let in the good
Better to be have never loved than to have loved and been rejected, right?
I would always say no, but I don't always model my own principles
Clearly
And I think I've been so worried that you would consume me,
that I'd rather you never even know me
So much easier to stay home on a Friday night, dreaming of what might have been
Than finding out for myself in a dimly lit garage
So much easier
But so much more lonely
And you know, I'm really trying to be braver
I'm going to be myself
Or I'm going to try
I can only do so much at once, you know?
I think it's enough that I even met someone like you
Even if nothing more happens...
I did something I've never done before
Something I've only daydreamed about...
And it didn't completely blow up in my face (yet)
But maybe if it does,
I won't give up this time
Because there's a lot of room for improvement here,
and a lot of room for hope
And I finally did something outside my comfort zone
Traveled to a world outside of teacups and sadness and best friends and blankets and layers of grey and envy and warm fireplaces and sisters and insecurities piled high with the books around my bed
I've gone somewhere else now
And it hasn't all been horrible
Sure, there have been disappointments, as I knew there would be
But there have also been great surprises
You even noticing me was a great surprise
I surprised myself
I just don't want to lose myself
I don't want to get hurt
I'm so terrified of getting hurt
That's what freezes my fingers when I try to say hello
But I'm trying to thaw myself out
I'll get there one day
I swear to god I will
The ice is slowly melting