Miriam
begins her
*******

in a tent
at base camp
in down town

Malaga
2am
party done

boozing done
the music
for dancing

turned off now
and she says
she's not here

the fat dame's
not come back
to the tent

so what now?
Benny asks
shall I stay?

well I can't
have good ***
without you

she replies
are you sure?
Benny asks

sure I'm sure
she replies
enter in

and zip up
the **** tent
so Benny

zips it up
and begins
to unzip

and undress
watching her
shed her clothes

best he could
in half light
from moon's glow

and stars' shine
what if the
dame returns?

Benny asks
she can make
a *******

or *******
Miriam
says to him

naked now
her soft ****
hanging there

inviting
him to stare
he listens

to the wind
blowing hard
against blue

stretched canvas
come on then
come on in

Miriam
says to him
so he did

his **** ****
rising up
and then down

capturing
the moon's glow
not too fast

she utters
keep a pace
keep it slow.

The loud shush of the steam train shush shush and grey steam turning white shushing out from beneath the train and out of here and there of the huge black dragon and O the power of it Benny says sitting beside Lydia on Kings Cross Railway Station on a seat aged and discoloured watching the steam rise up and upwards and breathing in the smell of the train and steam and she sits with her small hands together between her knees poking out of her white dress with blue flowers her small hands pushing out of her corn blue coloured cardigan her fingers pressing against each other fingertips on fingertips will this train go to Edinburgh? she asks will this train go to Edinburgh? I think so Benny says Ill ask he says and leaps up and goes along the platform and seeing a porter with a trolley stops him and asks the porter glad to rest for a few moments eyes Benny and says yes it does and takes over six hours or more and seeing the boy standing there eyes hazel and bright and the quiff of hair why are you thinking of going? the porter asks smiling revealing a number of teeth missing no not today Benny says noting the absent teeth of the porter or rather the teeth remaining and trying to count the teeth but the porter closes his mouth and smiling walks off with his trolley so Benny walks back to Lydia on the seat yes it does the porter says six hours or more to get there he says thats a long time Lydia says longer than I sleep or my big sister and she can sleep a long time especially if shes been out until the early hours- her mother calls it ******* but Lydia knows nothing of what it means and never bothered to ask-he asked if am I going to Edinburgh and I said not today but it seems exciting to think we could go just get on the train without anyone seeing us and sit in a carriage on our own and if the ticket collector man comes we can say our parents are in the dining car and he might go off and we could go to Edinburgh Benny says smiling at Lydia and she looking at him taking in his grey sleeveless jumper and the white shirt and blue jeans and do you think we could? she says were only nine you and me and Im sure the ticket man would think it odd we were alone while our parents were in the dining car and we were sitting in the carriage alone Benny looks at the train and the steam and the powerfulness of it and says lets get nearer lets get as close as we can and she says all right but not too near Daddy says not too near ok Benny says and they walk as near to the train as they can sensing the powerfulness of the train all the more and the smell of it filling their lungs and been says isnt that great? yes it is Lydia says and reaching out to try and catch some steam but it flows through her fingers and even as she claps her hands together the steam escapes and goes on its journey upwards what do you think? Benny asks Edinburgh today? just us he watches her standing there beside him thin and pale and her hair lank and straight and her eyes peering at him its along way she says her eyes getting larger her mouth opening to a wide oval six hours or more he says although we could sleep maybe sleep until were there where to sleep? she asks rubbing her fingers together nervously wont we get hungry? she asks we never brought food or drink and Ive no money left to buy any she says looking at him wanting him to say it didnt matter they would find food some place but he looks at her and says we can sleep in the carriage our heads against the seat backs or lying down on the seats and food? she says what about that? he looks at her maybe I can get some from the dining car someone might leave things he says rolls or butter you never know what people may leave do you think we could? she says moving closer to him wanting him to say yes of course we could its going to be all right but he looks at the train and the long carriages filling with passengers and the windows having faces looking out at them and says maybe another day when we have some food with us and bottles of drink  and a change of clothes he says got to have change of clothing I havent much to change into she says Mum never gets it done in time some days and I have to wear clothes day after day we can plan it he says make sure it goes to plan with food and clothes and drink and money I can get some Benny says be better then we can go to Edinburgh then like it is on the billboards she looks at him feeling he is right and she does feel it would be a bit of a risky going today without a change of clothing especially knickers she needs those she muses not sure of how much clothing she might need depending she supposes on how long they go for and where to stay once they get there where to stay that is the question she asks herself and she takes Benny hand in hers and says yes another time when as you say we have food and clothes and money and drinks he nods and rubs her hand and says its long way off but we will go yes we will she says excitedly wanting to go that day but yes we will wait to go some other time and they look at the train as it gives out a huge shush of steam like a ******* dragon and they stand back as it gets louder and more powerful and a guard with a green flag waves it wildly and the train huffs away shush shush it goes steam rising and outward like grey white snow.

Miriam said,
come sit beside me,
I don't want those
hippy types next to me.

I sat next to her
in the base camp
canteen in Sans Sabastion.

They beg people
for food or money,
she said,
I've come on holiday
with money I've saved.

Maybe they've run out
of money before the end,
I said.

Drugs more like,
she said,
they're that type,
you can smell it
on them,
especially her,
she stinks of drugs.

I made no comment,
I didn't know the couple,
nothing to me
what they did or didn't.

The hippies walked by
our table;
she was long haired,
blonde, thin,
had some long coat
and it was hot out,
but she wore this
long coat and saggy jeans.

He was similar,
but taller and had a beard
like a young Marx,
and tired eyes.

See what I mean?
How could she sleep
with him?
Like sleeping
with a dog.

They walked past
a few tables
then sat up front
and ate from a bag.

What are they eating?
Miriam asked.

No idea,
I said.

Looks like bread,
just bread,
she said.

I walked up to the table
where they were sitting
and said,
what are you guys eating?

Bread, man,
the guy said, bread.

What's wrong
with chips and burger?
I asked.

No money, man,
no money, he said.

Here have a meal on me
and handed him
some money
enough to buy a meal
for them both.

Hey,man,
what's the catch?
You want to sleep
with my lady?
The  girl looked at me.

No, just a gift,
no catch,
I said and walked off
back to my table.

What did you give
them money for?
Miriam asked.

I had money
and they didn't,
I said.

That's their fault,
she said,
not yours.

I don't see fault,
just need,
I said.

You're too soft,
she said.

Maybe,
I said,
but if I'm ever in need
I hope there's someone
out there will buy me
a meal sometime.

She said nothing,
but ate her burger
and chips,
looking at the hippies,
thinking God's knows what.

After a while
the hippies rose
and bought two meals.

The hippy girl
looked back at me
and smiled.

I didn't fancy her,
but I was glad
she was about to eat,
maybe put on
some weight.

I looked away
from her
and sat and ate.

I have only just finished
making Mr D's bed
in the old folks home
when Sophia's there
by the door
arms folded
her eyes searching me

it was close thing
yesterday night
she says

I look at her
wondering how
I got out of her place
with her parents
looking at me
in such a way
and I felt it
was close as close
as being caught
as being caught can be

how'd it go?
I ask

she closes the door
of the room behind her

you cannot come anymore
while they are out
must be
when they are in
she says
standing by the bed  
making me wonder
what the hell happened

what did they say?

she looks at me
then at the bed
good ***?

not now
I say

no
she says
last night before
they come
and spoil it

yes it was
I say
thinking my *** days
were over
the way her father
looked at me

I stand up
and move away
from the bed
and move by her
to get to the window
and open up
to let in fresh air

you come again?
see parents?
she says
they give you
benefit of the doubt
I say you
my good Catholic boyfriend
she says
coming to me
by the window

I guess
I say
when?

not too soon
but you come
she says her Polish accent
driving through her words

but no ***
I guess
I say

she shrugs
and moves close to me
and says
we see
if not there
maybe here
in one
of the old boys' beds?

no not here
it's too risky

risky at my place too
she says
putting her arms
around my waist
her breath on my skin

what if old
Mr D comes in?

he not come up here
in the day
I talk with him
he say too far
to come
he stay downstairs
in day time

but what if
someone else comes?
I say
trying to move
out and off

who come?
she says

she kisses me
then a bell rings

look must go
morning break
coffee or tea
in the staff room
if we're not there
they'll think something
and then
God's knows what

ok
she says
moving away
and so she goes
and I am hot.

Who is the boy?
Sophia's father asked.

Sophia looked at him:
the greying moustache,
dark eyes,
short,  
but solid build.

A friend from work,
she said.

Her mother walked
in the background
never interfered.

What's his name?
The father asked,
examining her,
eyes searching
her features for signs
of lies or deception.

Benedict,
she replied,
good Catholic boy,
nurse.

The father
walked past her,
then circled her.

She thought of Benny
having nodded
and spoken briefly
to her parents then
had left the house.

Good ***.

Miał dobry ****,
she said to herself
in Polish,
pretending she was
talking to her father.

Not dare.

Good Catholic?
Her father said,
he come to the house
and no one to safe guard
your honour here?

We talked; had coffee,
she said,
thinking of the safe things.

Those outside
may think otherwise,
he said.

Who?
Sophia asked,
sensing her father
walking behind her,
as he did when
she was a child,
then WHACK WHACK,
he did to her as a child.

Now he just walked
around her, hands behind
his back.

Neighbours see
these things,
think what they think,
he said,
in front of her
staring at her eyes.

Those who sin, see sin,
she said,
holding herself firm,
eyeing her mother
in the background,
no words,
not a sound.

This Benedict,
he likes you?
The father asked.

Yes, he does,
she replied,
thinking of Benny
******* *******.

He must consider
how it could looks
to others,
her father said,
not come while
we are out.

She nodded,
looked at her feet,
wiggled her toes.

He may come while
we are here,
her father conceded,
eyeing her firmly,
walking away,
hands behind his back.

She breathed out
relieved
no whack
whack whack.

Nima's not
in the mood
for the quacks

visiting
the mental
cases ward

coming round
in white coats
stethoscopes

and closed minds
she's outside
in the sun

that despite
the nurse’s
wanting her

on the ward
not outside
chain smoking

a doctor
with a nurse’s
comes outside

the doctor
not happy
you should be

on the ward
for our rounds
not out here

the quack said
Nima sits
on a seat

her legs crossed
the night dress
with no belt

reveals sight
of her thighs
and she smiles

at the spark
alive there
in his eyes.

I meet Nima
on the Embankment
behind Charing Cross
underground station.

She's waiting for me
with hands in the pockets
of her coat,
collar turned up,
looking down
into the Thames.

I cross over the road
towards her,
her back is facing me,
slim figure,
hair tied back
in a ponytail.

Been waiting long?
I say.

She turns and her eyes
are tired and drained.

Not long;
been looking
at the water,
she says.

She kisses me,
puts her arms
around my waist.

What's in the bag?
She asks.

I bought a LP
at Dobell's Jazz Shop.

She takes the bag
and looks inside.

Might have guessed
it would be jazz.

She hands me
back the bag.

How are things
at the hospital?

She shrugs
her shoulders.

Difficult;
the ******* want me
to do this and that;
had a job
to get out today,
she says.

Let's go get a drink
and chat,
I suggest.

She nods and we
walk up towards
Charing Cross Road.

So how did you
get out after all?

I sneaked out,
she says,
got some clothes
and here I am.

Whose clothes?

Don't know;
underwear are mine,
the rest I borrowed,
she says.

Won't they be looking
for you at the hospital?
I ask.

Who cares.

We take a coffee
in a cafe off
Charing Cross Road
and sit down.

You're a drug addict,
they're bound to be
looking for you,
I say.

I wanted to see you;
needed to get out
of that hell hole
and the **** nurse
and quacks,
she says.

I give her a cigarette
and take one myself
and light up.

Don't you want
to see me?
She says.

Sure I do,
but I'm worried about you.

Don't worry.

I do.

She inhales
and looks at me.

I want *** and a fix,
she says,
I know where
I could a fix,
but I want ***
with you, Benny,
not just anyone.  

I look around
at the those nearby
in the cafe
who heard her.

She closes her eyes.
I know,
no place available,
some nights
I’m that desperate
I fancy the night nurse.

I raise my eyebrows.

I don't,
just saying,
she says,
her closed eyes still,
unmoving.

I recall the quickie
at the hospital that time.

I look at her
sitting there,
eyes closed,
cigarette smoke
rising in the air.

Benny's here!
Milka's mother
calls out
up the stairs

where Milka
is still in bed
thinking of where
she and Benny

could go
to have ***-
her place is out
as her mother

is in all day
and Benny's place
is out
for the same reason-

and although Benny
had said something
about a place
they could go

a bike ride away-
meaning that even
after a good soak
in the bath

she'd not be
smelling as fresh
as a rose-
but as she rises

from bed she's aware
of even that
possibility is out
as splat

blood rises
with her
the dreaded curse
or Aunt Red or Flo

has come
and o ****
she says
and rushes along

the upstairs landing
and into the bathroom
and shutting the door
with a teenage

girl temper
that's all I ****** need
she utters
spittle on her lower lip

turning on the bath taps
putting the bath plug in
and *******
and thinking

of the Saturday-
the only day effectively
she can see Benny
as he at 16

works weekdays
and she at 15
is still at school-
and Sundays

her parent's say
is a family day
and church day
and even if she did

see Benny on Sunday
which she rarely does
there is no place to go
to have ***

and only the cinema
is open and late
in the day
she gets in the bath

once it is at
the right temperature
and sits down
and using her mother's

bath stuff
she lies down
and curses
and washes  

and knows Benny
is downstairs
with her mother
and God knows

what she's saying
about me
Milka says
and now this

the big spoiler
the arrival of Aunt Flo
o ****
she says

washing and cleaning
and imagining she
and Benny
as they did the last time

having *** in her bed
while her mother
was out shopping
and she coming

back early
and they almost
getting caught
and  o Benny

he is a one
and her  mother likes him
and he saying things
and she believing him

and now that
is done for now
just them together
going out-

not too late
her mother will say-
no chance of it happening
and so she lies

back in the water
cursing and swearing
Milka's mother's
angry daughter.

Milka's mother
makes me
a cup of tea
as I wait for Milka
downstairs.

She'll not be long,
her mother says,
although don't
hold your breath,
Benny,
she adds,
smiling.

I like her smile;
it's like warm milk
of a motherly kind.

I sip the tea,
looking as her mother
walks from the sink
to the cupboard;
her plump body
cosy as a cat's
snuggled up close,
her backside swaying
like waves of water.

She doesn't deserve you,
her mother says,
giving me
a brief glance,
you are so patient
with her,
waiting for her,
doing things for her.

I recall Milka
dressing madly,
after the last
*** episode,
and her mother
downstairs,
having returned
from shopping early,
Milka flushed,
and I,
well, I was
in a trance,
dressing as fast
as I could,
thinking of reasons
to be in Milka's room.  

Would you like something
with the tea?
The mother asks,
looking at me,
her eyes searching me.

I try not to say
what's on my mind
and say,
a biscuit would be nice.

She smiles and goes
and fetches the biscuit tin
and opens it for me.

Help yourself,
she says.

She has very nice *******,
I note,
not staring,
but noticing as
she nears me.

I nibble and sip.

Milka is upstairs
getting ready
to go out,
taking her time,
while her mother
seduces me,
unwittingly.

I smile.

Is that,
I muse,
a crime?

And John sees
passing trees
fields

cottages
lanes
sky

birds in sky
sees his reflection
in the bus window

going and coming
and going
the other kids

on the bus
most not all
talking and laughing

the bus radio
blaring out
some song

but he tries to focus
on the girl's name
she told him

and well it has gone
but he pictures
her still

thin wire spectacles
dark hair
a grip at the side

and that look of hers
as if she saw
into his soul

fool no such thing
but it seems so
and he sighs

can't recall
the name
her tie

was untied
loosely
dark eyes

he thinks
small ****
he kind

of recalls
but the name
even has he stares

at the passing view
her name
has gone too.

Sheila stares
at the wall
of her room

on her bed
thoughts on John
what he said

his soft touch
of her hand
as he got

on the bus
leaving her
standing there

at the school
tomorrow
we will talk

he had said
she lies there
on her bed

on her side
staring hard
other thoughts

pushed aside
her mother
is downstairs

finishing
the washing
the dinner

is cooking
her brother's
in his room

listening
to Elvis
she can hear

the LP
being played
too loudly

she moves on
to her back
staring at

the ceiling
trying to
cope with this

inner love
sick feeling.

Sheila waits
by the school bus
where she'd seen
the boy John

leave that morning
and she thinks
that if she can see him
before he gets on the bus

she might settle
for her mind and heart
how he feels
if he feels about her

other kids are coming out
of the school
some going home on foot
some getting on

to school coaches
or buses
she adjusts
her thin wired spectacles

on the bridge
of her nose
pulls her school tie neater  
and pats her hair to tidy

she focuses
on the entrances
and exits
but still no sign of him

she's nervous
and uncertain
of herself
or her mission

it seems to her
as if the boy
occupies
her whole mind

at that moment
she feels as if
her life is upside down
and she hasn't

even spoken to him yet
just seen him pass by
and he seemed -
she's certain-

to smile at her
she doesn't know
what to do
with her thin hands

she tucks them
into her coat
out of the way
like unsettled children

then she sees him
coming out
of the exit
with a boy

named Rennie
they pause
laugh and talk
and laugh again

then part
and Rennie goes off
his own way
and the boy John

comes towards her
she's unsure
if she can speak to him
she panics

looks at him
he approaches the bus
and she says
can I speak with you?

he stands there
gazing at her
for a moment
sure but it'll

have to be quick
as my bus goes soon
he says
she walks away

a bit from the bus
and he follows
can I hang around
with you?

she utters shyly
hang around?
John says
she flushes red

be your friend?
she says
looking at his
brown hair

with a quiff
and his hazel eyes
peering at her
he studies her

looks at the bus
at her again
what's your name?
he asks

Sheila
she says
he smiles
sure

but we'll have to talk
about it tomorrow
as I must go
he says

and he touches
her hand
then climbs the bus
and walks along

the aisle
and out of sight
on the bus
she stands there

gazing up at the bus
wondering if she'll
see him
but the bus starts up

and drives away
and she looks hopefully
at the bus as it departs
but there is

no sign of him
at the window
so she holds onto
his image

and watches
the bus go.

Yochana lay on her bed.

Her mother was downstairs
preparing evening dinner.

The boy at school questioning
began as soon as she got home
from school. Did he look
at you today? Did he show
interest in you? I can always
ask your friend, Angela?

Her mother's questions rained  
down on her as soon as she
entered the door. No he didn't,
Yochana lied, not at all; he
ignored me; he's like that,
she added to add credence
to her reply. She watched
her mother's features. Does
she believe me? The eyes
scrutinised her, peering eyes,
like those of a sparrow hawk.

Yochana wasn't sure if her lying
had gone over. Angela hadn't
been around when she had
seen the boy Benedict that day,
but she couldn't be sure if her
friend had seen or not. If I
find out that you have been
lying, my girl, you will regret it,
her mother had said as Yochana
climbed the stairs to her room
to change out of her uniform.

At lunch time she'd met him
as she promised she would.

Angela had gone home with
women's problems so she had
no fear of a spy. She could hear
her mother downstairs banging
around in the kitchen preparing
dinner, moody, wondering if her
daughter had lied or told the
truth about the boy. She lay there
on the bed. The boy Benedict
there inside her head. The kiss
of cheek and hand, and then lunch
time, she had allowed him to kiss
her again. Lips to lips. How had she?
Not sure if she had or had she?
She had just the once kiss on the lips.

Behind the maths block, briefly.

Lips to lips. Once. She sensed
his lips there still. As if frozen there.

If I find out you have lied, her
mother had said, you will...regrets...

The slaps of the other evening
stung her hand. But what if she
found out I lied? Closing her eyes
she saw him still. Lips and lips.

Felt still. Wet and warm. Later
that evening Schubert songs had
been sung, her mother singing,
Yochana played piano. The slaps
on hands and thighs had stung.

It wasn't until Rowland
poked my elbow
in music class and said
hey Benny
look at the titless
one at the front
with the blonde ******

I looked to where
his finger pointed
that I noticed Yochana
for the first time
sitting at the front of class
with a blonde girl
who was shorter
but that hardly
made her a ******

-Rowland and his humour-

I studied her as Miss G
talked about Schubert
and his music
and his life

I noted the thinness
of her body

- Yochana's not
Miss G's-

the black hair
smooth and shiny
and I never thought
about her titlessness
at time but something
about her caught my eye

later after the kissing
on the cheek thing
and the day after
I kissed her hand
I waited for her
at the end of biology class
when she came out
with her friend
the blonde haired Angela

-Rowland went onto
the tuck shop
and then to
morning recess-

when she saw me there
and I smiled
she shooed her friend off
and waited by the wall

she said
are you waiting for me?

shouldn't I?

why would you?

why not?

do you always answer
questions with a question?

do you?

she smiled
and looked me
in my hazel eyes
what did you want?
she asked

to talk with you
I said

is that all?

anything else
on offer?

what other else?

I don't know yet
but I'm sure
I can think
of something
I said

I'm sure you can
she said
is that it?

are you in a rush?

my friend's waiting for me
she replied

can't your girlfriend
wait a bit longer?

she'd not my girlfriend
she's a friend
who is a girl
she said defensively

I dreamed of you
last night
I said

did you?

no you wouldn't let me

let you what?

Miss G passed us by
and walked down
the corridor
giving us
a backward stare

kiss you
I said

shame
Yochana said

yes it was
I said

we stood in the corridor
a few seconds in silence
kids passing by

you kissed my hand
the other day
isn't that enough?
she said

no
a glimpse of heaven
isn't enough
until you get there
I said

she looked past me
then at the kids
passing by

not here
maybe lunch time
some place quiet
we can maybe kiss
she said

then touching
my hand briefly
she walked off
down the corridor

and I watched her going
with a kind of yearning
my inner soul
and my body
burning.

Enid barely hears her mothers farewell not given happily not wanting her daughter to to go out to see the boy Benny whom Enids father doesnt like but none the less she lets Enid go out of the flat calling out half heartedly as she puts the boiler on for washing Enid rushes down the concrete staircase of the flats before her mother changes her mind and calls her back she takes the concrete steps two at a time to get out of the flats faster  then out into the Square out into the fresh morning air rushing past the man with his boxer dog not looking back in case her mother is on the balcony beckoning her back home she runs down the ***** her hair sensing the air going through it where will Benny be? she muses coming to the end wall of the ***** and taking a right turn through a gap in the wall and waits on the kerb of Rockingham Street looking up Meadow Row wondering if Benny is on the bomb site up there behind the green grocer shop she waits her feet on the edge of the kerb rocking back and forth wondering whether he will be there or whether he is still at home in the flats  after a few minutes of indecision she crosses Rockingham Street and walks up Meadow Row slowly hoping Benny is there because she doesnt like going on bomb sites on her own too creepy and there might be tramps hiding there and she doesnt like them they frighten her she passes houses and looks up towards the green grocer shop in case Benny is there waiting like he sometimes does but no he isnt there  she passes the public house on the corner hears a piano playing and the smell of beer and an old man at the bar drinking and smoking she walks to corner and turns into the Arch Street where the back of the coal wharf is and the bomb site opposite she walks up gingerly hands folding inside each other nervously coal wagons and lorries are parked by the coal wharf  and coal men are busy working loading up both lorries and the wagons drawn by horses she looks over the bomb site scanning the ruins and half walls for Benny she screws up her eyes and puts a hand over her eyes to block out the morning sunshine and yes there he is she says to herself over by the wall putting cans on a low wall as targets for his catapult practice she walks over towards him glad she has found him happy for the first time that morning despite her  fathers temper and rages she had not been touched that morning no slaps or hidings just the rows and her mothers screams and cries Benny turns and sees her and waves his hand beckoning her over she walks over the bomb sites uneven ground  until she is next to him he studies her takes in her face and eyes and scans her body for bruises and black eyes none good he muses sticking his catapult into the back pocket of his jeans you all right then? he asks yes she says wondered if you were here or not been here a while now he says you got out all right then? he asks noticing apprehension in her eyes yes just about Mum let me come although I have to be careful Dad doesn't see me with you or therell be hell to pay Mum said Benny nods his head he knows Enids old man knows hes a bully and belts Enid but he befriends Enid despite her old mans dislike of him whered you want to go? Benny asks she shrugs dont mind where he smiles what about Kennington Park? she looks unsure is it far? she asks no about fifteen minute walk he says not been there before she says is it good yes it is good he says we go along Kennington Park Road and when we get there we can get a drink of pop and maybe an ice cream her eyes light up then she frowns havent got money she says he raises his eyebrows so? Ive got a few bob my old man gave me some for doing a few jobs for him and my mum gave me a bob for getting her some shopping the last few days Benny says Enid nods her head and wishes her parents gave her money for doing jobs rather than her fathers hand across her backside or her mothers sharp tongue well? Benny says want to go? ok she says it sounds good and Ive not been before but at the back of her mind she worried about her father what he would say or do if he found out shed been out with Benny come on then Benny says and they walk across the bomb site she walking beside him feeling happy to be with him feeling safe despite them being only nine years old Benny seemed older seemed like her knight in short sleeved jumper and jeans  they walk on to the New Kent Road and she knows Benny knows his way even if she doesnt well how was your morning? Benny asks looking at her side ways on my dad was in a mood and shouting and there was a row so I hid in my room until he went to work and Mum wasnt happy but she said I could go out but to be careful Enid says her voice letting the words flow as much as to inform as to get it out of her mind what set him off? Benny asks looking both ways before they cross the road dont know he was rowing first thing their voices loud and hen Mum screamed and I was afraid hed come in my room and give we a whack or something as he does if hes in a mood but he didnt Enid says they walk on down Kennington Park Road traffic passing them by hes a *** on your old man Benny says I had him in my sights the other evening when I had my toy rifle on the balcony I could have blown his head open with one shot but the cap just went BANG and Enid jumps back and Benny laughs sorry didnt mean to frighten you he says holding out a hand towards her which she takes and holds did he see or hear you? she asks no I hid behind the walls but I reckon he nigh **** himself and they laugh and she feels a **** of happiness run through her and his hand holds hers warm and soft and secure shes happier now than shes been for age thats for sure.

Her mother poured tea

her father sat talking
about his day at work

her sister sat eating
her jam and cheese sandwich

Elaine sat looking
into space
her eyes vacant

cat got your tongue?
her mother said
gazing at her
the teapot mid-air

her father looked at her
perhaps she found herself
a boyfriend
and smiled

some hopes
her sister said
more chance of you
winning at horses Dad

Elaine blushed
and tried to look
uninterested
in the conversation
such as it was or wasn't

so who's the boy
who's in love
with my Frumpy Hen?
the father said

no boy at all
Elaine said
just thinking

that requires a brain
her sister said
with a mouthful
of jam and cheese
sandwich

her mother said
what boy
I never heard
of a boy?

there is no boy
it's just Dad
having his joke
Elaine said
going red
feeling her body
become hot  

I was going to say
you're too young yet
for boys and their
nonsense
you're just 14
why when I
was your age
boys were not
even on the agenda
why my dad'd
strap me one if
he thought I'd been
messing with boys

Elaine couldn't get
a boy to look at her
let alone mess
about with her
her sister said
munching the mouthful

Elaine tried to bring
her heart into
a steady pace
her pulse was racing
she sensed her blood
rushing through her body
like lava down a volcano

I can't imagine
our Elaine with a boy
anyway
her father said
maybe a boy
with a white stick
he joked
with a guide dog

Elaine gazed at her father
and frowned

only joking
my Frumpy Hen
I dare say
you'll get some one
someday

not before she's older
her mother said
sitting at the table
not before she's
much older
can't have a girl
her age with boys
and all they get up to
like that Mrs Kimp's daughter
out all hours with boys
coming along the road
with a boy on her arm
not right and she
no older that Elaine here

Elaine tried to imagine
herself some place else
as she ate a ham sandwich
feeling like gagging
on it

if she was a daughter of mine
I'd give her what for
the mother said
sitting uneasy
on the chair
gazing at Elaine's
young sister
not at Elaine

I'm not thinking
of a boy
Elaine lied
feeling her body unfold
her heart racing along

good job too
her mother said
you're my good girl
giving Elaine a smile
as John crept
into Elaine's thoughts
all the while.

As the school bus
drove away
Elaine watched it go
she had smiled at John

but it had been
an uncertain smile
unsure if he
would smile

if she smiled
and that uncertainty  
reflected itself
in her smile

she had looked over
at John on the bus
but she had blushed
as he looked at her

and she didn't look again
in case she blushed
and her sister saw her
and that would

have meant being
teased later
the bus went
from her sight

and she walked home
beside her sister
wishing she had
smiled more

and had looked over
at the boy John again
but she hadn't
the walk home

seemed endless
and her sister talked
of her day
and what so and so

had done or said
and who had said
what to whom
but Elaine was lost

in her own thoughts
and once she got home
and had said hello
to her mother

who was preparing tea
she went to her bedroom
to change out
of her school uniform

and into something casual
and having done that
she lay on her bed
and looked

at the ceiling
wondering what she
really felt
about John

and how his being
around her
and talking to her
affected her

she sighed and wished
she was more confident
as her sister was
more sure of herself

and her feelings
the kiss the other week
from John
had unsettled her

and she was still
trying to make out
if he was really
interested in her

or if it was just
some joke
he was playing
although she didn't

think it was a joke
because he seemed
too honest and why
would he carry out

a joke to such lengths
and no one else
at school seemed in
on any joke against her

apart from calling her
Frumpy and teasing her
no one seemed in
on any joke

the kiss was so sudden
and so unexpected
that it pushed her
into unknown territory

but as she lay there
on her bed
and closed her eyes
she thought what it

would be like
if he was in the room
with her and if he lay
beside her

and kissed her again
what would she think
or feel?
she mused

hugging
her Teddy Bear
close to her *******
and kissing the Teddy's head

and even though
John wasn't there
she still blushed
bright red.

Yiska sits
on the grass
for the school

photograph
with others
looking out

at the man
with the box
camera

calling out
watch the bird
or say cheese

but she thinks
of Benny
and her at

lunchtime
behind the
maths classroom

sitting there
on a wall
both kissing

and holding
and tonguing
and touching

getting hot
and alive
with each their

desire
on fire
then someone

knocked on glass
to alert them
and shoo them

off from there
some teacher
mouthing words

gesturing
so now she
sits brooding

not smiling
no longer
being kissed

or embraced
or close touched
just posing

so undone
no pleasure
no fun.

The RICKARD'S coach arrived at the seafront the sight of the sea and waves and seagulls in flight and sounds of sea and gulls and waves on shore and Janice waited in the coach seat beside Benedict both gazing out at the view listening to the gospellers talking about the day and the plans ahead and one of them with one eye said not to wander off but to stay with the group and before we get off the coach make sure you are with someone it's easy to get lost on your own so stay with some one all day or a group of others he said his voice a drone to Benedict who looked at the sea and the gulls and also there is a fairground to visit One Eye said but stay with a person and do not wander off with anyone you do not know and the rides are paid for so no need to pay any money out he said the children on the coach buzzed like bees with excitement but Benedict sat and watched the beach the families the ice cream van the fish and chip shop the shop selling buckets and spades and whirly things that go around and around in the wind and so on but before we leave the coach we need to say a prayer and thank God for this day and for the weather and the sunshine and for the gospel church members who paid towards this day out for you One Eye said there was a silence and lowering of heads and closing of eyes and One Eye said a prayer and was ended with a loud AMEN which echoed the coach and maybe along the beach Benedict  waited until the the kids got off the coach one by one then he and Janice moved down the aisle as One Eye and another gospeller counted them off Janice straightened her red beret and Benedict followed her out onto the seafront pavement and sniffed the air and listened to the sounds of sea and gulls stay together a gospeller said to them we will Janice said excitedly taking hold of Benedict’s hand and squeezing it where can we go? she asked the fairground rides are over there the gospeller said pointing over to the side and we will meet for lunch at one pm meet here I’ve told the others and we will keep an eye out for you ok Janice said Benedict and she walked towards the fairground where there was a loud sound of machines going around and voices and screams and laughter and shouts they went in and walked around the various rides and stalls and Benedict said where shall we start? I don't know Janice said there is so much to go on and do but Benedict had his eye on the motorbike rides where small motorbikes could be ridden around a circular track I’m going on that he said looks a bit scary Janice said releasing his hand wait here for me then or ride on something else less scary he told her no I’ll stay with you she said and followed him onto the side of the track where a man was organizing the rides and kids want to ride on the back or on your own? the man said to Janice who looked uncertain I’ll ride behind him she told the man and climbed on the back of the motorbike Benedict was sitting on she put her arms around Benedict’s waist and held on tight then they were off around the track and at a given speed and around and around they went Benedict over taking other kids on motorbikes and now and then being overtaken by others then it was over and the time set finished and they got off and went on a number of other rides and stalls and kept together until it was nearly one pm and a gospeller said got to meet for lunch now and they followed the other kids back to the coach and waited until all had arrived and then they set off for a restaurant where a meal had been organised by the gospel church in advance and they all sat down and Benedict and Janice sat in two seats together and Janice said that was good I haven't enjoyed myself so much in years  and that motorbike ride was scary but I did enjoyed it after all and Benedict let her talk because she was good at it and he watched her how her red beret moved as she turned or shook her head in her excitement and her eyes bright as stars and her hands clapped and her fingers moved and he just listened smiling and nodding and he said maybe we can sit on the beach after lunch or go in the sea and paddle and see if there are any ***** or dead fish left by the tide O she said will there be? and will the ***** bite? and I best go to the loo as I think I’ll wee myself with excitement other wise and she walked across to one of the gospellers and asked and they pointed to a door at the back and Benedict watched her go and listened to the other kids and people around talking and laughing and thought of home in London and wondered what his mother was doing and should he take her back a gift out of the money she gave him if there was a shop that sold things he could buy he would if he could find something he thought she might like just as Janice returned a waitress brought the meals around and laid them on the table in front of them fish and chips O good Janice  said I like them I wonder if they caught the fish around here in this sea do you think they did Benny? do you? I expect so Benedict said although he didn't know and hadn't thought of where the fish had come from apart from the sea some place he liked it when she asked him questions as if he knew everything when he knew he didn't but it made him feel good and he looked at her and felt happy her being there with her red beret and fair hair and she like him was eight years old or more and she living with her gran and he not knowing what happened to her mum and dad and never asked thinking it best not to ask and he living with his parents and sister and brother in London and so different from the seaside with the sounds and smells so different and fresh and she talked of the beach and maybe paddling if they went in the sea he with her in case she slipped in and drowned and she didn't want to do that and of course he would he said and they ate the fish and chips and he looked out at the sea over the way and sensed her near him and was enjoying the seaside day.

By the maths block
at recess lunch time
Yiska waits for Benny
sunshine's

above her head
Benny said
to meet her here
other kids

are on the sports field
some at ball games
others sitting in groups
talking

some alone
wandering
then he comes
running up

sorry bit late
had to see Mr H
about the cross-country run
later to day

that's all right
she says
feeling relieved
that he has come

running her eyes
over him
sensing her
heartbeat quicken

where do you
want to go?
he asks
what about there

behind the maths block
no one
can see us there
ok

he says
so they walk back
by the fence
by the maths block wall

and there sit
on a low wall
and she kisses him
and he kisses her too

and he embraces her
feels her waist
her slimness
she holds him close

feeling along his spine
feeling warm
sensing her
body glow

they kiss and tongue
and with eyes closed
all seems alive
and hot

then someone bangs
on a window
of the maths block
a teacher stands there

shaking his head
and gesturing
them away
with his hand

so disappointedly
they walk along
by the fence

and out of his sight
and onto the sports field
hand in hand
she keeping

the memory
to hold
and re-dream
that night.

Yehudit looked back
at Benedict-
at the back
of the classroom

more with
that boy Rolland-
but he looked elsewhere.
Something the boy showed.

Titter of laughter.
Miss G, the teacher,
looked at them.
Clapped her hands.

Her bespectacled stare
silenced them.
Yehudit looked back
to the front, the blackboard,

something written
on Beethoven's life and music.
Miss G walked in front
of the class

talking of the last
string quartets.
Yehudit thought
of Benedict and her

by the pond
the previous day.
Sun warm upon them
as they sat on the grass.

She talked of the ducks
and swan and the heron
that landed nearby.
He listened,

but thought of kissing
and holding or so
he later said.
Miss G put on a record

of a string quartet.
Yehudit looked back
and Benedict smiled
and that made her day

and she never heard
the string quartet
of Beethoven
as it played away.

We came out
of the small door
at the back
of the church

after the Sunday service
in which we sang
in choir
and stood looking

at the gravestones
spread around us
going back
to the river

I guess
we'll end up here
one day
Yehudit said

here amongst the dead
mournful aren't we?
I said
we're only young

not fifteen yet
and here you are
talking about
being here

we walked on
along the path
beside the church
but it's true though

we will one day
she said
one day maybe
I said

but why worry
about it now?
I'm not worried about it
just saying

she said
anyway the news
of Mr M's wife
drowning herself

in the park pond
brings it home
just how fragile
we are

we walked on
past more gravestones
some names
wearing away

with time and age
yes that was
a bit of a shock
sad when people

get to that stage
and feel the need
to end it all
I said

Yehudit's sister
passed us by
with a friend
walking faster

Yehudit held my hand
I sensed the hand there
feeling the warmth
her finger wrapping

themselves about mine
but we must focus
on living
she said

us here now
holding hands
being here
on a bright morning

not about death
or dying
we walked along
the lane away

from the church
between hedgerows
at the side
to avoid

passing cars and bikes
I'll see you
this afternoon
if I can get away

Yehudit said
if Mum doesn't want
this or that done
we walked on

she thinking about
Mr M's wife's death
and I thinking
of the afternoon

by the pond
and a kiss or two
and whatever else
young people may do.

Lizbeth lies
on her bed
after returning
from seeing Benny

in the small hamlet
outside town
she lies and fumes
and muses on the day

Benny talking
of birds of prey
and all she wanted
was for him

to have her
although she knew
it'd be a waste
of effort

but she thought maybe
he might weaken
if she tried enough  
and wore her

shortest skirt and such
but no
all talk of birds
and butterflies

and his
****** queen
from school
on his mind

as they walked
no doubt
worth an effort
she muses

maybe one day
he may
downstairs her mother
plays the radio

some classical stuff
her mother's
croaking voice
attempting

a Schubert song
the bed is soft
the pillow holds
her head

she pretends
Benny's there
closes her eyes
imagines its his fingers

touching her now
not hers
his fingers
lifting the skirt

his finger and thumb
lowering
her underwear
the Schubert song

is done
her mother's croak
is silent
some other

composer's music
fills the air
up from the stair
she wants it to be him

not her
his fingers not hers
its not the same
despite the pretence

her fingers stop
and lay by her side
and she opens
her eyes

with no
pretended ride.

Lizbeth sits
on her bike
by the hedge

her short skirt
showing thighs
her white blouse

open necked
Benny sees
her from his

bedroom view
sitting there
on her bike

he goes down
out the front
to see her

well I'm here
Lizbeth says
weather's warm

we could go
for a walk
or a ride

Benny knows
why she's come
and stands there

by the gate
I'm with Jane
not with you

he tells her
but will she
-****** queen-

that Jane girl
let you have
*** with her?

Lizbeth asks
I don't want
to have ***

with you or
anyone
Benny says

not until
I'm older
not thirteen

Lizbeth sighs
inwardly
wanting him

sexually
and had come
very close

a few times
the ******
that girl Jane

needn't know
if we do
Lizbeth says

anyway
we can still
have a walk

I promise
to be good
Lizbeth says

just to talk
nothing else
Benny says

but of course
she tells him
so Benny

walks with her
down the lane
by the side

of the house
between high
hedges filled

with song birds
she speaks of
her mother

and her moods
her father's
indifference

the latest
rock and roll
long player

she'd bought
he listens
to her talk

smelling her
strong perfume
her red hair

tied in two
ponytails
the freckles

on her skin
she thinking
as they walk

side by side
how he'd look
above her

having ***
in her room
back at home

both naked
and that Jane
watching them

Benny thinks
of the hawk
-sparrowhawk-

he had seen
while with Jane
its power

flying high
hovering
waiting for

the big ****
and Jane's hand
near to his

as they walked
but Lizbeth
talks about

a new dress
she'd been bought
a bright red

with flowers
of yellow
and quite short

and Mother
doesn't like
its shortness

she says it
shows too much
nonetheless

I have it
Lizbeth says
then she stops

you can come
and see it
at some time

at my place
I promise
to be good

Benny says
that he could
-not that he

ever would-
then he tells
her about

seeing the
sparrowhawk
hovering

above them
Jane and him
powerful

and mighty
in the sky
Lizbeth thinks

it boring
just a bird
she muses

wanting him
inside her
in her bed

in her room
but she'll wait
bide her time

like the hawk
for her prey
and have him

some hot day.

A French monk wipes
the shell of an egg
on the serge of black.

He walks slowly
in sandaled feet
across the cloister,
his shadow following
close behind.

I pick apples
from the apple trees
in the abbey orchard,
my fingers twisting
as I'd be shown

-she mouthed
my fingers
one by one,
******* them
to a strawberry ripeness-

Dom Leo takes
the breviary
from the shelf
beside his hip,
opens to the right page,
eyes scanning
the script

- I watched her
as she slowly stripped.

It's a Holly Blue
Jane mused
watching the butterfly
flutter past

sitting on the Downs
not seen one for ages
she thought
seeing it flutter

over the ground
then up and up
then downward go
the other day

it'd been
the Dingy Skipper
fluttering past
her head

as she sat and thought
on Benedict
the London boy
who'd come and lived

by the Downs
with his parents
and whom she liked
and secretly

she mused
she loved -
not telling him
as such-

yes the Holly blue
how it thrilled her
watching it flutter
on its way

unaware she watched
its flight and journey
in its insect world
then it had gone

from sight -
she must tell Benedict
she mused-
a Tortoiseshell

fluttered past
the meadow grass
if only Benedict was here
she said

inside her head
missing his arm
looped through hers
his melodic voice

his hazel eyes
and quiff of hair
if only she mused
he was there.

And Jane shows me
a sparrowhawk in the sky
hovering there
powerful and merciless

made to ****
like a flying
machine of death
so I'd read

in a book on birds
I'd bought
they ****
she says

but that's their nature
but there's beauty
there up there
in the air

I stand beside her
feeling her
presence near
her hand close

to mine
her dark hair
blowing in the wind
as we watch

the hawk hovering
there against
the wind's pull
and push

her dark eyes
holding on
to the sight
then it dives

and whoosh and zip
a bird has been snatched
and of and away
and we watch

both sad and thrilled
not by the killing
but by the show
of skill and flight

she looks at me
and says
glad I'm not
a small bird

waiting to be taken
like that
but as Daddy says
all things are

in God's hands
I say nothing
just want to hold
her hand and feel

her warmth
and skin and pulse
we walk on
across the field

her hand just
touching mine
skin on skin
the wind moving us

on like two birds
in flight
not towards a death
or dying

but hopefully
to a love
or deeper love
worth trying.

Fay fingers
the black beads
prayer laden

Hail Marys
Our Fathers
her father

listens near
don't forget
he suggests

to mention
your recent
sinfulness

Fay listens
to his words
but then asks

what was that
sinfulness?
you're being

with that boy
who is not
Catholic

he tells her
why sinful?
she asks him

I say so
he replies
you're too young

for a boy
you are just
eleven

so is he
Fay replies
seeing then

Benedict
walking up
past the pub

looking out
the window
of the flat

sitting room
it's a sin
anyway

her father
informs her
walking off

from the room
Benedict
has gone now

from her sight
passed the bridge
where steam trains

often pass
leaving steam
but she has

Benedict
inwardly
in a dream.

And Fay is there by the wall
of the playground
-a basement of a bombed
out house cleared

of the upper building-
I step down onto
the tarmac area
and she sees me

and smiles
and I go over to her
and I say
you want to talk

with me?
and she says
yes
so I look around

and see its getting
pretty crowded now
as its recess time
and kids have

had their meals
let's go up
onto the flower
bedding area

its quieter there
so we walk off
and up
and we're alone

except for a few kids
gazing at the flowers
what you want
to talk to me about?

I ask
she looks unhappy
and when I see
her unhappy it tugs

at my heart strings-
or some place
inside of me-
I'm going

to a Catholic school
once we leave
junior school
this year

she says
and I won't be in
the same school
or class as you

why are you going
to a Catholics school?
I ask
taking in

her teary eyes
we are Catholics
and my daddy
wants me to go there

and away
from the Protestant
riff-raff as he calls them
but I like it here

and being with you
and my other friends
but he is adamant
I am going

she says
that's too bad
I say
I'll miss you

being around
and walking home
from school with you
-she lives

in the flat upstairs
from me-
what school will you
be going to?

she asks
almost in a cry
an all-boys school
no girls at all

that will be
punishment in itself
let alone
the tough kids

and teachers
who're mostly
ex-army
I say

we will see each other
though at weekends
and maybe
some evenings

won't we?
she looks at me
with her blue
becoming watery eyes

can you meet me
after school some days?
she asks
sure I can

and her 11 year old hand
touches my
11year old hand
and it feels

warm and soft
and then before
other kids
-especially boys-

can note
she kisses my cheek
and walks way
and I think

God thank you
for the kiss
and lips
and lovely today.

Her parents
seldom came
despite her

loss of leg
but Anne
didn't care

or so said
too busy
far away

to visit
her at the
nursing home

so she read
between lines
of letters

that they sent
now and then
when the leg

is better
and fresh healed
you can roam

your new home
or green field
the letter

last sent said
but Anne
didn't cry

or reply
as she was
meant to do

she just said
in her head
up you too.

Yes Helen muses Id like to meet Benny by the Duke of Wellington but to ask Mum first and I dont think shell mind as its Benny as she likes Benny and his mum and mine know each other and talk to each other at the school gates and when they talk they talk and yes if I ask Mum nicely and when shes not busy shell let me go but I cant leave it too long or the time will go and he will have gone if Im not at the Duke of Wellington by ten past ten this morning has as he is going to the herbalist shop to buy liquorice sticks and sarsaparilla by the glassful and Benny says it makes blood so if I drink a pint I will make a pint of blood and hopefully I wont spillover with blood she waits a few minutes while her mother puts away the shopping Helen had bought home from Baldys and looking at her mother making sure her mothers features did not show too much stress and timing it right that was the key Benny told her once timing is the key he said her mother walks around the kitchen seemingly busy the baby crawling around her mothers feet and the smell of nappies boiling on the stove steam rising smell of it Mum she asks can I go out with Benny to the herbalist shop and buy some liquorice sticks and sarsaparilla? her mother picks up the baby she hugs him close smells his rear end pulls a face what did you say? her mother asks holding baby a little distance away from her arms out stretched walking to the put-down table over the bath and placing baby down can I go with Benny to the herbalist shop and get some sarsaparilla and liquorice sticks? Helen repeats standing with fingers crossed behind her back when are you wanting to go? her mother asks unpinning babys ***** and the smell erupting into the room and air as soon as I am allowed Helen says trying not to breath in hoping her mother will say yes but her mother hesitates her features ******* up her fingers pulling back the offending ***** and dropping it in a pail at her feet bring me a clean ***** from the other room Helen and some talcum power and some cream and best get some other safety pins as these are a bit well not fit to put on again until theyve been washed o keep still you little perisher dont move your legs so and no dont piddle on me go on then Helen dont dawdle so Helen walks into the other room and collects a ***** from the fireguard and talcum powder and cream and pins from the bag by the chair and takes them to her mother who is struggling to hold the baby in one place and clean up the smelling liquid and mess  and waving a hand in front of her face to give her fresher air give them here then girl I cant wait all day and here hold his legs the little figit so I can get him clean properly Helen pulls a face and carefully reaches over to try and hold her brothers legs still while her mother attempts to clean him up but her brothers legs move at a pace and hes quite strong for one so small she thinks hold him hold him her mother says Helen does her best for a little girl not yet in double figures there done it her mother says hes done now right take him and put him in the cot in the other room while I wash these nappies out can I? Helen asks can I go? go where? what do you want now? her mother says to go to the herbalist with Benny Helen asks he asked me this morning while I was getting the shopping at Baldys her mother put on the kettle and empties the nappies in the big sink when did you want to go? as soon as I am allowed Helen says gazing at her mother through her thin wired thick lens glasses hoping her mum will say yes off you go well you cant always rush off you know not when I may need you after all youre my big girl the oldest of the tribe but as youve been good this one time you can go but mind the roads and keep with Benny and if you need to go to loo make sure its a clean place and put some toilet paper on the seat you dont know who sits on them things ok I will Helen says trying to recall all her mothers instructions can I go now? she asks hoping her mother will not change her mind at the last minute best go now then her mother says its nine fifty nine fifty? Helen says what's that mean? ten minutes to ten her mother says o right Helen says and rushes into the passage way and put on your raincoat it looks like rain her mother calls out I got it Helens says and rushes out the door and down the stairs carefully not wanting fall down the steep steps she holds on to the stair rail and then out into the street and bright fresh air and dull clouds and she walks along Rockingham Street under the railway bridge and there he is Benny hands in his jeans pockets his hair and quiff creamed down and his hazel eyes gazing at her blimey he says youre earlier than I thought youd be he takes in her hair plaited into two and her thin wire framed glasses making her eyes larger than they are had to help Mum with my baby brother she says hed messed his ***** and Mum had to clean him up and needed me to help and gosh the smell Benny enough to make you feel sick and anyway Im here now o but I havent money I forgot to ask Mum for money she says biting a lip looking back towards where shed come I got money Benny says rattling coins in his jeans pocket she smiles and looks at him he gives her the kind of smile she likes the kind that makes her feel safe and wanted and she loves the coat he wears with the odd buttons and and his quiff of air and his warm what shall we do now stare.

See this leg
that's not there?
Anne asks

Skinny Kid
lifting up
her red skirt

to show him
the leg stump
so he stares

at the leg's
fleshy stump
I see it

or I don't
he replies
and they sit

eyes to eyes
well it hurts
she tells him

even though
it's not there
beyond that

******* stump
of hot flesh
he notes her

dark of eyes
himself there
reflected

two of him
looking back
but none of

the penguins
-nursing nuns
in habits

black and white-
believe me
when I say

my leg hurts
or they say
Anne it's

in your head
not your leg
your leg's gone

nothing's wrong
do you Kid
believe me?

sure I do
the Kid says
what you say

I believe
Anne plants
a wet kiss

on the Kid's
pale white brow
that's good Kid

**** the nuns
and their doubts
and she waves

her thin hand
in the space
below the

fleshy stump
it hurts here
she tells him

or somewhere
there abouts.

There's a patch
of dull sky
visible through

a parting in
the curtain
of her room

it is morning
Ingrid stirs
in her bed

feels the bruises
on her thighs
moves more carefully

to the side
of the bed
and sits grasping

the day and hour
her father's voice
still echoes

in her ears and mind
both her elder
brother and sister

have now left
last night's row
saw the flight

of the other
leaving just Ingrid
and her mother

and her father's wrath
and spiteful blows
from across the road

in Rockingham Street
the sounding
of the horses' hooves
and coal man's feet
and vans and cars
going past

and she sitting
sensing her bruises
like medals

of a war
similar to beatings
she's had before

Benny will know
he always does
either by her dull eyes
or sensing her

whimpish sighs
as she moves or sits
what's your old man

been up to now
he'll say
and pretends

(from the balcony
with his toy gun)
to blow

her father's
bullish head
away.

And there was that small room with a bathroom attached just off Trafalgar Square said Netanya and it had been booked by Benedict to go to after the show in a theatre near Victoria Station and my husband at that time said where are you going? and I said to London to see a show and what time will you be back? Sunday afternoon I said youre staying over night? he said yes I said who are you going with? he asked thats my business I said and anyway when the Saturday came for me to go I met Benedict at the station he had been waiting anxiously in case I couldnt get away and I had a small overnight bag with my change of clothes in and wash stuff and he had a duffel bag and I said well here I am and he said wasnt sure youd get away and I said well he was suspicious but thats his problem and we got on the train to London and it was our first time together away from our local sites and he was looking at me and I think he was conscious for the first time of our age differences I was his senior by thirteen years and it didnt seemed to show in our own town but now out of the area it did seem to show a bit but I put it out of my head and hoped I was up to the challenge not having regular *** for some time and my husband at that time wasnt up to much at least not with me- he had had *** with anyone else between sixteen to sixty but me no it was sparse and anyway I was glad at the time thinking I didnt want to catch anything he may have caught from some ****- and we sat and talked and Benedict talked of Sartre and Camus but I didnt know who they were so just pretended I did and about existentialism and such words he went on about but it was him I watched not his words they swept over me like water in the sea and I was glad we were away and I thought briefly what the kids might be doing with me not around over the next day but theyd cope after all a woman has to live her life when she can and what chance would I have again and I recalled the first time I met Benedict and he was introduced to me at the workplace and I thought to myself hes a bit of all right and he smiled and I was kind of blown away but I knew he was having it off with another who had no luggage with her but then that blew away and I thought now is my chance and this was it and once the train entered Victoria Station and we got out and it seemed like a whole new world with so many people and we were just two people in sea of humanity and we saw the show at the time it said and sat and watched the show and I was aware of him beside me and thought about afterwards at the room he had booked and what it would be like and would I be able to perform after all it wasnt as though I had *** often and apart from my then husband and a boy back in the early 1950s I was not quite that expertise at *** or so I thought much as I liked what I had had but Benedict was younger and seemed quite a one with the girls and I thought it maybe a big let down and Id be shown to be just a woman in her middle age crisis stage but after the show which was quite good we got a taxi to the address Benedict had shown the driver and in no time we were there and we got in the door and the woman looked at us as we booked in and I thought She looked at me with a stern eye but we didnt care she showed us the room and left us to it shutting the door behind us and telling us if we wanted the gas fire on we would need to put 50p in the meter each time it went out so I found a 50p coin and put it in the slot and turned on the gas fire and it roared into life and we looked around the room and I looked into the bathroom and it had a  big deep bath and I thought that will come in handy later and I showed Benedict and he said we can bath together and I thought I have never bathed with anyone else before and he said theres always a first time for everything  then we looked at the bed and sat on it and bounced on it and it seemed all right if a little bit hard but it would do us Benedict said so what now? he said and I said well why waste time and began to undress first by taking off my coat and then my cardigan and he watched at first uncertain and I thought hes been put off about this after all and I got as far as my blouse when he took off his jacket and I watched him and he took off his tie and then we both seemed to race the other to undress first and it was like being a teenager again rather than a forty year old woman with a thirteen year younger man and I was right down to my underwear and bra and he was completely bare and stood there and then climbed into bed and waited for me and I took off what else I had on and we were both in bed naked and it was so strange so surreal and I couldnt believe I was actually there with him and he lay there beside me looking at me and he switched off the bedside lamp and we were in the semi-dark except for the flashing on and off of neon lights and street light outside in the street and then he kissed me and his hands were on my thighs and I was unsure if I was doing the right thing but then I though O to hell with it and kissed him more and we going at it quite strong and I didn't realise how much I never knew and how much I enjoyed what I was learning and once we had done we lay back and I looked at the room and felt him beside me and breathed in the air and him and my scent and the sounds of London out there and after that we were at it again and again until it seemed we were never going to stop and the we bathed together and I felt so young again and then we slept and had *** and bathed again and then it was morning and we left the room and the woman looked at us and I winked at her and she looked away and it was a day that day never to go from my mind never go go away.

We're on the grass
around Arrol House
and I have my blue
painted metal crossbow

in my hand
with the two arrows
that came in the pack
and Ingrid says

what are you going
to fire at?
if I had an apple
I could do

the William Tell trick
what's that?
she asks
well he put an apple

on his son's head
and fires the apple
off with one
single arrow

and whose head
would you fire
the apple off of?
she asks

I look at her
and smile
no not me
she says

looking fearful
of course not
I say
just joking

I'd not do that
to anyone
I'm a lousy shot
she smiles uneasy

I mean it I say
so what are you
going to shoot at?
she asks

I pull out
a small
cardboard target
out of the back pocket

of my jeans
at this
I say
and try and hit

the bulls-eye
she takes the target
and says
where do I put it?

put it against
the bomb shelter wall
and up on
the first ledge

I say
she walks over
to the bomb shelter wall
and puts it

on the ledge
by standing on tiptoe
that's it
I say

just right
she moves away
and stands beside me
fingers held together

and watches
as I put an arrow
onto the crossbow
and set

the crossbow
ready to fire
and aim
at the target

with one eye closed
and set the arrow off
and it misses
the bulls-eye

by a mere fraction
you missed the bulls-eye
Ingrid says
I smile

told you
I was a lousy shot
I say
just as well

I didn't have
an apple
on my head
she says

or I'd be dead  
I wouldn't do that
to you
no matter what

I say
and she gets
the arrow
just a part

of another
childhood day.

O Miss Pinkie said – she dropped the Mrs once her divorce came through although being a Catholic it didnt amount to much- if I could have my life over again and had the wisdom I have now and a lot of understanding of the human machine Id have lived differently and not married the **** I  did but there you go we must live forward and not backward although at times we wish we could but we cant so there you are and as a child coming from a strict Catholic family church going and the Mass were our Sundays highlight or so it seemed at the time and the priest as often at our house as a neighbour or a member of the close family and would come and sit and drink and eat and say things about others and how so and sos daughter had gone by the  wayside and needed taking in hand and my father said any daughter his going by any wayside would get a good tanning of their backside and the priest saying that is a way going from homes now but my father said not here Father not here and it was true as my sister knew as she was many a time feeling his hand on her backside if she step out of line and me too now and then and my mother stood in his shadow and said do as your father says and would shake a finger at us if she thought we were out of step with our fathers wishes and a cousin wanted to join the Little Sisters and encouraged me to go too and talked me into it when I was old enough and with my fathers blessing- blessing being his agreement or his say so- and he said I know what men are like youre better off there with the Sisters than with with some of the specimens around here in Glasgow to wed and bed so I joined the Little Sisters as did the cousin and were set to become brides of Christ but I couldnt settle to it never had the vocation for the life what with all those maidens and their narrow views and the cousin went first and within a month or two was out with a man named Scott and before you could say hows your ***** off for spots she was up the aisle dressed in the white with the thin rod of a man beside her and within a seventh month she dropped a babe- his we assumed- and then just before I was due to take my simple vows I left too much to my fathers annoyance and being put out by it he said nothing to me for months on end turned his back on me if I entered the house- lived after leaving with my cousin her her thin man and the babe in a room in the attic- but he came around and knowing he could no more put me over his knee he used his words to have a go at me if I stepped beyond his likes then I met the man who was to be and was my husband and on the first date- the cinema where else- it was kiss kiss and fiddle fiddle in the back rows with others also so inclined and after a few weeks he had me in his bed-he lived in digs as he called them- and I knew nothing then about *** or anything relating to that side of matters and I was surprised by what he was doing and where and how and I said is this how it is? and he said it was and had always been so and so it was and I got to enjoy it after the first few times and then we had our child a boy and then my husband got a job away a lot and then he started having it with other women or girls while away and I had it fewer and fewer times until one day I found out about them all and I said no more with me and he said good and left and that was it and I brought up our son on my own until he left home to get a job abroad and I was alone and began needing to work myself having no husband to support me and it was there that my met young Baruch-Benedict he called himself but I liked Baruch better- and at first I never thought about him and *** and that because he was nineteen years younger than I was and I was old enough to be his mother but he had that way with him and he said can I come to your place I want to read you some my my writings and so I said yes and he came and I gave him whiskey or wine and I put on music on the record player and he read his work and I watched him read and sensed him near me and the drink softened him up and the music got to him and he said I need you and I said in what way? he said in what way and I went and undressed and came back in a kimono and he said I looked like a Japanese woman he once saw in a book and he drank more and then he undressed and so it began almost every other night after work in the evenings hed come around and we had drinks and he brought some Mahler and  we played that and it became our love music and he had me in ways id not been had before and played at spanking me prior to ******* me- as he called it- and it reminded me of my father- the spankings not the *** of course- and it made me tingle and sometimes it was on my double bed often or not if we couldnt make it on the sofa with the Mahler symphony blaring away and the glasses empty and him over me and I eyeing him or closing my eyes imagining him and sometimes he was underneath me and it was him and me and Mahler and his hand on my behind and him in me and hed say come on come on and I was becoming out of breath feeling my age or so it seemed then he met some young girl and that was it I was alone again and sat listening to Mahler and I drank my ***** thinking of him knowing he would leave after all he was just a boy I was getting to be older but wanting to recall our nights together and Mahler and whiskey and that time we had it on the carpet the carpet soft and thick and he saying wheres the fence where can we ride? and we laughed and that time at work in the wash room where I got him stiff as a rifle and ready to shoot but it was too public and he had to walk it off but then he left work and it became a mere echo of former days my hair less dyed letting my hairs become different coloured greys.

How long does it take
by train to Edinburgh?
Lydia said
her father held in

a smile-he was sober
so playful-
about 6 hours or so
he replied

why are you
going to Scotland?
and with whom?
Lydia said

not yet
I'm just 9 years old
but maybe when I'm older
she hesitated

looking at her father
at his sober blue eyes
and said
Benny probably

go with Benny
her father still held
back the smile
o Benny

the kid from upstairs
in the flats?
she nodded
the kid who you go

to the train stations with?
she nodded
she had her thin hands
behind her back

her fingers crossed
we went
to Kings Cross
station today

she said quietly
Kings Cross?
that's quite a journey
her father said

you two going to elope?
she frowned
elope?
what does that mean?

she asked
means you're going
to run off
and secretly marry

her mother said tiredly
from the sink
where she was
washing clothes

her father smiled
I can't marry anyone
I'm just 9 years old
she said

but when you're ready Lydia
you can get maybe
a free ride
as I am a railway worker

her father said
grinning
leaning back
in his chair

she liked it
when her dad
was sober
he was more fun

and kind
her father
laughed loudly
but she didn't mind.

Dalya couldnt even bring herself to be nice to the Yank girl anymore it was as much as she could do to even look at her with her dark hair and eyes and that ******* tight black leather two piece which made her skinnier than a runt and that accent seeming straight out of some American movie and the constant yak about the guys shed had and how that was the worse part the how of it all as if Dalya cared as if she gave a sod about the Yanks love life and that time they showered at the Oslo camp base and the Yank said *** how plump you are like a hippo bathing and she laughed and Dalya gave her a look that would have frozen another more sensitive ***** but no she laughed at Dalya and her so called humour and Dalya would have flicked her towel around the Yanks scrawny **** but another girl passing got in the way and it flicked her **** instead and O did she moan and the Yank ***** walked off swaying if one can sway a backside like hers and was gone or that time when Dalya had been out with a guy called Benny who rode the same mini bus as the Yank and Dalya had got back in the tent real late and the Yank said what time do you call this some of us need our beauty sleep and Dalya said you could sleep for thousand years and still be one heck of an ugly Yank ***** and the Yank stormed out into the night or early morning which ever it was and Dalya lay in her tent trying to sleep after shed gone when Benny creeps in and said the American girls gone in the Aussie guy and is in my sleeping bag and theyre doing things which I wont describe least not before breakfast and so he came in to the tent with Dalya and Dalya seethed and swore and Benny said did you want me to leave but Ill have to sleep in the bar area as shes in my tent with him so Dalya said ok but no funny business and he said I don t do funny business and lay there in the tent where the Yank girl used to lay and she seemed determined not to let him get too near but at the time the birds were beginning to sing and she still being awake she said to him if you want to come nearer we can keep warm against this ground frost or so it seems and he said sure why not and moved next to her and they hugged and one thing led to another and well shed not be telling her mother when she got home that aspect of her holiday and hoped to God her brother didnt see Benny come out of her tent in the morning and next morning when she showered in the base camp the ***** was there washing off her sins with the Aussie guy laughing  and acting like some latter day Joan Crawford and Dalya glared at her the way her skinny arms were wrapped about her rake thin body and love bites around her neck and tiny **** and Dalya thought God what a sight and that time on the ship from Oslo to Amsterdam and Dalya stood on the deck as the waves rose and fell and the ***** of good old USA was puking over the side and O that was good Dalya thought that was a scream and she looked green and looked as if she'd puke up her ring and Dalya smiled to  herself and later when they landed in Amsterdam Benny and Dalya sought out a cafe and sat and drank coffee and ate a couple of burgers and she said how would you rate the *** the other night in my tent? and Benny said how rate? and she said from one to ten one being utter crap to ten being ****** heaven and Benny thought as he drank his coffee and said well its as near to Heaven as Ill get is it better than having the Yank *****? she asked I dont what she humps like but Id say yes with you it was heaven and Ok she said dont let my brother know or hell tell my mother and then shell go off the deep end you know what mothers are like with their daughters and it was in Amsterdam that the good old American girl split saying she was meeting some French guy in Paris the **** ***** Dalya said she must have a ****** like a drinking hole in the Sahara and Benny said nothing but wondered why women worried about each other like that why they couldnt be more like guys who just think lucky guy wish I could be pimple on his **** while hes going it some then as the camping trip was coming to an end and they were on the last leg of the trip at the last and final base camp and she had her tent to herself she invited Benny in for a final fling but before that they went to the base camp bar and bought a good deal of the ***** and staggered back to the tent and she said you know what? and he said no and she said well lie down and Ill tell you and so Benny lay down on the tent floor next to her and she said I was ****** by my cousin once it was at a birthday party at my parents house and me and him- his name must be kept hush hush- had a little must of  my fathers punch drink and we went up to my bedroom-I slept alone- and I thought it would just be kissing but no one thing led to another and next thing I remember we were ******* away like two hounds on heat and the music was still being pumped from downstairs and singing and laughter and Benny said I wish Id been there I could have made it a ******* but Dalya said it was a bad enough him being there ******* away and she looked past him at the dull sky of their last day.

Sonya lay on the bed in the Parisian hotel room. It was a small room with an adjoining bathroom, a bidet and toilet, with French windows that opened out so one could see and hear the busy streets of Paris below. The windows were open and sounds came into the room with a summery warm air. She lay there in a blue skirt and  white blouse; her feet bare, her legs curled up in a fetal position; she wore nothing underneath, she seldom did; it gave her a sense of daring, of a hidden freedom. Benedict had gone out for cigarettes and a breath of fresh air as he called it. She had a book in her hands. Kierkegaard's Either /Or. Her favourite philosopher. He kept her mind fresh; gave her life a direction. She looked down at another book by her side: Benedict's Dostoevsky novel: Crime and Punishment. It had a page marker about half way through. She could have gone out with him, but she wanted time alone, time to reflect on her life at that moment. She lay her book beside her. She thought of her husband on business in New York and her two sons in boarding school and not due home until the present term ended. Her husband Erik knew she was going to Paris, but he thought she was going alone to research on her proposed book on Zola. Benedict was in Paris on vacation and having met Sonya in a wine bar near her home when Erik was away for the weekend and the sons at school, and after a deep conversation and feeling low, she and Benedict made love in her bed at home, and arranged the trip to Paris between them. Erik was a lousy lover who had become increasingly lousier, and they seldom had *** as he was always busy, and she not in the mood. But Benedict was different; he made *** exciting again, made the whole process something alive and daring, and not just a set out process of mild urges. She lay on her back with her legs out straight reaching for the end of the bed...Benedict bought cigarettes at a small shop in a side street and spoke in English as his French was almost non-existent. The woman who served him understood him well enough and they talked of London where she had stayed for six months few years before. He loved Paris. The whole city seemed alive and full of history and art and literature. No one knew him here; there was almost no chance of him meeting anyone he knew here or who knew Sonya. A sense of freedom invaded him. He and Sonya had had *** that morning and he needed to get out to buy cigarettes and breath in the Parisian air. She was an exciting lover; willing to explore different angles and approaches to ***. The night before had been one long episode of ****** games and experiences and moment of just laying there catching their breath and reading to each other from their own books, then *** again and again. And there was the factor that she wore no underclothes, so that when they went out to a restaurant, they both were aware of this factor, and he got a kind of kick knowing, and she got a thrill knowing that she was free, and walking out on a limb of acceptable behaviour and dress code...Sonya wished that Benedict would come back again soon. She wanted him, wanted to make the most of their time together, their days of freedom to be together, and eat and drink and have *** as often as they wished, and for as long as they wished, without fear her husband would be home at a certain time or that neighbours would see them together and tell Erik. She pulled up her skirt and lay there as if waiting the return of her lover, letting herself feel the freedom of laying so, of not having to worry about her husband walking in on her as he nearly did one late afternoon when she lay on their bed bringing herself to a poor organism...Benedict sat on a seat in a small cafe smoking and sipping from a coffee. He would return to the room after his coffee and smoke. Later they would go out for a meal, and see the city, and feel the history of the place about them. He knew it would come to an end in a few days, and she would be back with her husband and her boring life, and he back to his job, and in his own place sharing with others. Make the most of. Take to the limits. Explore and live and enjoy...Sonya wondered where Benedict was. She missed him being there if only for a short duration. Once their days together were over, and she back with Erik, it would seem like a dream, and her own regular life be one big bore. She ran her hands down her thighs. Sensed her fingers. Soft, smooth. Erik never explored her. He was a five minute and over and done with type. More like a mechanic than a lover. Benedict had taken her to places she had not been before, explored her and brought her to the point of bubbling over and out, leaving her feeling that she was empty and vacant, and yet so alive, and buzzing like a beehive...Benedict made his way back to the hotel room. The coffee had refreshed him; the Parisian air made him feel like a new man, a man of freedom, a man on the edge of a huge abyss, with his very life tingling with new excitement of the big dare. Sonya would be waiting for him, brimming like a *** on a  hot stove. He had released her of her hang ups and held in senses; had unbutton a new area of excitement, and sexuality and sensuality. And she in turn had opened up for him that arena of experience which he had only dreamed about in his tossing and turning nights at home... Sonya heard the door open. Benedict saw her laying there like Venus on a beach of blue and white and bare, a radio playing a Delius piece, filling the air, and he, Benedict, so alive, ready and waiting, and going there.

We sat in Victoria Train Station
watching the steam trains
coming and going
on the platforms

and watching passengers
getting on and off the trains
and wondered where
they had been or where

they were going
I'd liked to go to Scotland
Lydia said
see men in kilts

and eat haggis
and see Edinburgh Castle
maybe you will one day
I said

get a train
and off you'll go
can I go from here?
she asked

no Kings Cross train station
I said
can we go there next time?
she asked

sure we can
I said
I watched a man
in a bowler hat

rush past us
as we sat
on one of the seats
on the platform

he looks in a hurry
I said
wonder where
he's off to

to his office I expect
Lydia said
come from the country
maybe up here to London

the man had a brief case
black as soot
and he was rushing
like he had the squirts

I love the smell
of the trains
Lydia said
the sound of the steam

pushing out everywhere
me too
I said
I breathed it in

like it was perfume
I was sniffing
what did your mum say
when you said

you were going
to Victoria with me
this morning?
she said what are you

going there for?
to watch the trains
I said
and she said

what a queer couple
we were
she didn't know other
9 year olds who'd want

to watch trains all day
and my brother Hemmy
said we were queer
and went off laughing

then Mum said
you be careful of the trains
and don't fall off the platform
I wondered why she

gave me a funny look
this morning when
I called for you
I said

she nodded
and we watched more
trains coming and going
and she talked

of her sister
and her sister's boyfriend
sleeping in her room
and she being stuck

in the cot bed
which was
too small for her
and how her sister

and her boyfriend
made giggling noises
in the dark
and other sounds

let's go get a glass of milk
and share some sandwiches
I said
so we walked along

to the main part
of the station
and bought two
glasses of milk

and ate the sandwiches
my mother had made
and sat on one
of the seats

and watched the trains
coming and going
and saw one woman rushing past
with her white slip showing.

The view was good from the hotel window the beach the skyline the hotel area with palm trees placed here and there and the swimming pool and the people around it some lying in sunbeds or in the pool swimming or standing talking one or two walking around in bathing trunks or bikinis Benedict stared down at the girls measured with his eyes sizes and heights and age yes that was important some looked younger than they were some were aged but didnt look so from where he stood what you looking at? Abela asked from the bed lowering the book shed been reading making the most of the scenery he replied dont get this view where we live quite picturesque isnt it she said better than the postcard view in the brochure he watched one of the girls walk to the edge of the pool stretch her arms out and dive into the water and splash she resurfaced shaking water from her head like a dog her hair flowing about her head come back to bed Abela said you need to rest before our evening out into town and you know how tired you get unless youve rested well he watched the girl pull herself out of the water her bulbs visible as she moved forward her thighs were fine and a nice **** tight he thought as she turned towards the pool again come on Abela said the view cant be that good ok he said turning away from the window as the girl dived in again he walked back to the bed and lay beside Abela who had the book in her hand and before her face reading he lay there his head on a pillow staring at the ceiling and the fan going slowly around and around Im here now he said how about it? about what? she said lowering the book us now you know relaxing after a bit of exercise what exercise? she asked the kind of exercise that we do in unison he said if you mean *** the answer is no not now Im not in the mood besides Im at an interesting part of the book he sighed and looked at the fan again you must rest she said take a chance to sleep then maybe after out evening out we could exercise she said putting the book in front of her shutting him out he closed his eyes breathed in the scent of her body the sense of her beside him the slight movement of her body vibrating in the bed as he lay the first time hed had *** with her was by surprise not planned one of those things that happened when it didnt seem on the cards theyd just closed up shop after the last customer and had totalled up the till and she went up stairs to make sure no customer had been left in but it was empty the beds and bedroom furniture was as it should be except Benedict was laying on one of the beds by the window what you doing? she asked trying out the bed he replied and? what's it like? she asked come and try he said patting the space beside him on the bed she walked over to the bed and looked at him Ive not got time for testing beds now she said chill out he said patting the bed she sighed and lay beside him on the bed she lay back and felt the mattress beneath her and bounced a little seems good she said running a hand along the surface he turned and faced her she looked around at him it's good she said wish I could afford to buy it and not just sell it need to have a honest feel about things here he said studying her features honest feelings? she said well he said most people buy a bed to sleep in but also to make love in so? she said well how can we say its good bed when we dont know what its like to have *** in? we just say it she said they take our word for it dishonesty at the extreme he said thats business she said she turned to face him they stared at each other he taking in her bright eyes and snub nose and round chin and jawline she took in his hazel eyes moustache and quiff of brown hair and that smiling eyes we must go she said need we? he said yes Ive got to get home as Im out tonight she said who with? he asked friends of mine from college and school he smiled youre quite a beauty Ive not noticed before just how beautiful you are she looked away from him and looked at her wristwatch look its getting on she said we could try the bed out he said we have tried it out she said not love making we havent he said are you suggesting we have *** here now? she said her eyes wide I havent suggested anything he said just thought what kind of girl do you think I am? she said never gave it a thought what kind of girl you were he said well Im not the kind of girl to have *** just like that she said and saying that Im beautiful wont wash with me they lay looking at each other he gazing at her eyes blue or green he couldnt decide she looked at him there that brown quiff of hair and how could she come up here the next day and not see them on the bed having ***? it wasnt on but she lay there sensing an urge opening within her like small bud widening as if water had touched and brought to life but she she could she? she tried to push it from her thoughts the image of them there having *** and he was laying there gazing at her and o why did he have to suggest such a thing she lay on her back and said the bed seems so good for sleeping on seems a shame not to know what its like to have *** on doesnt it? my sentiments too he said she got off the bed and began to undress and he after watching for a few moments began to undress too the upstairs furniture room now seemed transformed seemed smaller the window above the bed showed late afternoon sky a few sounds outside of passing traffic  she had undressed completely he had also following her example got to do it right she said no clothes makes it seem more natural as if it were an experiment rather than a sordid affair he looked at her standing by the bed hed not seen her like that before hed only imagined her like that in the few moments at work when not busy now there she was the small but tight **** the dark brush the thighs shall we? she said and lay down in the bed he lay there beside her she put a hand on his chest and he opened his eyes and she said see you needed that rest now we can get ready to go out he rubbed his eyes as she got up from the bed but he kept the image of her inside his head.

Where've you been?
Enid knew her father
would ask her that
once she got in

-I can't lie to him
she told Benny
after they came out
of the cinema
then create
another truth
he said
another truth?
she asked
sure another place
you can go to
be your truth
what other place?
she asked
the church
on the New Kent Road
say you've been to church-

I've been to church
Enid said

her father choked
on his cup of tea
church?
you're lying
he said

no went in the church
she said

-and she had
Benny took her there
and she entered-

what church?
he asked

St Mark's
at the top
of Meadow Row

her father
eyed her darkly
what you do
in church?

I prayed and looked
at the coloured
glass windows

-she had prayed
and gazed
at  the windows
of colour-

what do you have
to pray for?
her father asked

her mother eyed
her husband
be rid of you
I would think
she said

her husband
eyed her
you want another
black eye to match
that one?  

who'd you go
in church with?

-Benny let her go in
alone just in case
Benny said-

on my own
she said
confident
in her truth

he looked away
from her

anyway
he said to his wife
I said to this guy
you want the **** car
or what?

and her father
lost interest in Enid
and she walked past him
and into her bedroom
and shut the door

Benny'd been right
about truth
create one
and stick to it
like glue
it was right
she mused
hearing her
father's voice
from the other room
it was true.

I wait until
Enid's old man
has left the flats

feeling a bit brave
I walk up stairs
to their flat
and knock at the door

her mother answers
and she has a black eye
and says
what you want?

I need to see Enid

what for?

it's Saturday
I want to go with her
to the flicks

flicks?
she says frowning

yes cinema
see the morning matinee

she looks past me
as if she's seen
an angel behind me

is her father around still?
she asks me

no I saw him go
just now

make sure he's not
doubling back
he does sometimes
just to be a cuss
she says

so I look over
the balcony
look into the Square

well?
she murmurs

no he's gone
he looked in a hurry
when I saw him
I say

Enid!
her mother says
in a harsh call

she turns
and gazes at me
her eyes dull
the black eye closing

what's he do  
for a side show
I say

what?
she says

your old man
what's he do
for a side show
apart from hitting
you and Enid?

ENID
she bellows

I look back at her
as cool as
a young boy can
brushing my
brown quiff of hair
and glazing over
my hazel eyes

Enid creeps out
and stares out
from beneath
her mother's arm

what is it?
Enid asks
looking at me
then up at her mother

the boy wants
to take you
to the cinema
her mother says

I can pay
I say

Enid says
can I go?

her mother sighs
don't tell your father
you've been
you know
what he's like
she says

do I have to lie
if he asks me
where I've been today?

her mother bites
her lip
slightly swollen

sure you do
I say
lie your head off
tell the schmuck anything
but the truth
I tell her
the truth
he isn't worthy of it

her mother
opens her mouth
to speak but it
remains as
a mouthed O

her mother looks
past me again
you sure he isn't
coming back?
she asks

I look over
the balcony again
no he's not
coming back
I say

ok ok
she says
and she says Enid
can go

so I wait
a few minutes outside
while Enid gets ready
and her mother
stares at me
then the sky
as she brushes her lip
and rubs her eye
closing up
like a dark plum

then Enid comes out
dressed in a blue dress  
and her hair brushed
and we walk off
down the stairs
of the flats

she's silent
but excited
and I look down
the stairs ahead
hoping her old man
isn't coming back
as he does sometimes
to catch them out
and commit more crimes.

Snow drifted by. Snow drifted by the large window of the locked ward of the hospital. Yiska watched from the black sofa in the main lounge. White and pure. Cold and white. White as her wedding dress she wore to the church, but he never showed, and she stood at the altar alone. She watched the snowflakes drift. His best man brought a message: he couldn't go through with it. She refused to removed the wedding dress. She wore to bed that night and next day and only after someone injected her to sedate her was it removed and she woke up in the locked ward of the hospital. She wrapped the dressing gown about her. The snow seemed to be getting heavier. The hour was unknown to Yiska, but the night nurse was in her small office, writing notes. Other patients still slept in the dormitory; men in theirs and women in theirs. She could hear their snores or moans. Her wrist was bandaged where she'd slit it a few days before with a knife liberated from the meals wagon which came twice a day with meals. The nurse who stitched her up said it was just as well it was vein and not an artery as it would have been worse. The wound was sore. She sensed it still each time she moved her hand. Benny walked from the men's dormitory across by the night nurse's office and into main lounge. He walked to the window and peered out. How long has it been snowing? He asked. It was already coming down when I came in here a little while ago, she replied, looking at him standing in his nightgown and slippers. Peaceful looking, he said. He turned and gazed at her on the sofa. How's your wrist? She looked at her bandaged wrist. Sore. He looked past her. No one else up yet then. No, thank God. He sat down next to her and pulled the nightgown tight about him, tucking in the ends as he had no belt. Cigarette? He asked. She nodded. He took a packet from his nightgown pocket and offered her one and took one himself and lit both with a plastic lighter. She inhaled deeply; he inhaled half heartedly. Where'd you get the lighter? Same place I got the ciggies: one of the day nurses left them behind by error I assume. Why the slit wrist? Mistake. He raised his eye brows. Only a vein, not artery, apparently. Bit like your hanging attempt, she said, eyeing him through the released smoke from her cigarette. Second attempt, he said, exhaling slowly through his nose. How's your *** life? He smiled at her words. Same as yours, I expect. She inhaled and looked at the drifting snow. I ought to have been on my honeymoon a few months ago, she said, not looking at him, but at the snow flakes drifting by. Had the ******* showed that is. Benny looked at her beside him. She smelt of apples. He caught a glimpse of thigh as she moved her leg and moved the dressing gown. Why'd he not show? Because he's a cowardly *******. Did you notice he wasn't keen? He seemed up for it. But wasn't? No I guess not, she said turning her head and staring at Benny. She sighed and inhaled the cigarette smoke. He smoked deeply and sat and gazed at the snow. She put a hand on his leg. You're the only one here to ask apart from the quacks. He turned and gazed at her. He placed a hand over her hand. Two lonely people drifting in an open boat, he said. On a rough sea, she added. They sat and held hands and looked at the snowflakes passing the window as they smoked. Once the cigarettes had been smoked, they stubbed out the butts in an ashtray. She kissed him on his cheek. He kissed her lips. They parted and sat gazing around the lounge of the locked ward. No where to be alone, she said. Unless, she added, looking at him, we go in the shower room. He looked at her. It can't be locked. No room here locks apart from the doors leading into the ward itself. Who cares, she said, no one will be up yet. He looked towards the passage. What about Florence Nightingale? She won't know or care. She seldom leaves her office, Yiska said. Do we dare? He asked. To eat a peach? Or walk tiptoe on the beach? She said.  She took his hand and led him along through the long corridor to the shower room silently as they could walk. He sensed her hand in his. Warm and soft. They reached the door of the shower room and entered in and closed the door after them. It wasn't very big, but it seemed sufficient room if they set down just right. Turn off the light, she said. He pulled the cord. Dimness surrounded them, light from the corridor let in a vague light to part the darkness. She kissed him and held him close. He embraced her to him tightly. She lay down on the floor of the available space and lifted her legs and pulled him down between her. She kissed him before he could say anything. The space was cramped. He felt hemmed in; he couldn't stretch out his legs, but knelt there, hands on her hips. Pressing on her lips. She sensed the sore wrist, an ache in her back, a cramp in a thigh. Can't do it, he said, too ****** cramped. She nodded and said, we might if we're quick. She wanted to kiss again, but her thigh stiffened and she said, I got to get up, cramp. He tried to lift himself in the small space. Treading by her hip and one foot hovering over her visible ******. He placed the foot on the small space of floor and stood up against the shower door. She pulled herself up by dragging herself up by his arm, her wrist sore as hell, blood seeping through the bandage. She rubbed her thigh vigorously with her other hand. Shall I do that for you? He asked, peeping out at the corridor. No, you'll turn me on more and there's no room, she said, rubbing the thigh, biting her lip. Blood seeped more through the bandage and he lifted her arm up. They kissed. They heard a voice coming down the corridor, the pitter-patter of shoes on the floor. They parted and held their breath. The night nurse walked by to the toilets next door and closed the door behind her.  They stood in the dimness kissing, she rubbing her thigh, he holding her ****** wrist right up high.

YOU DID WHAT?
Janice's gran shouted
I fired a bow and arrow
Janice repeated

fired a bow and arrow?
Janice nodded
she wasn't going
to repeat it again

she knew her gran
would go off
the deep end
if she told her

but she couldn't
tell a lie
it was too complex
and required

a good memory
but when her gran
asked her where
she'd been and what

she'd been doing
she had to tell the truth
even if  it meant
a spanking

where about?
Gran asked
the bomb site
on Meadow Row

Janice said
doubling her chances
of punishment
what have I told you

about bomb sites?
not to go there
Janice said timidly
who were you with?

Gran asked
eyeing her grand-daughter
with her beady eyes
Benedict

Janice replied
Benedict?
and it was his
bow and arrow?

Janice nodded
and does his mother
know he has one?
yes she gave him

the money for it
Janice said
her gran sat down
on a chair

which indicated
that punishment
was coming
and where did you

fire the arrow?
at a wall
Janice said
what wall?

Gran asked
of a bomb out house
Janice informed
her gran looked

at the floor
then up at Janice again
and why a wall?
Janice hesitated

then said
Benedict drew a man
on the wall
with a head and heart

to aim at
drew a man?
her gran said
with chalk

Janice added
her gran sat back
in the chair
her hands on her knees

Janice knew now
punishment
was certain
and wished she could

stretch the truth
as Benedict was able
her gran sighed
and gazed at her

well you've told the truth
can't punish you for that
but don't do it again
or next time

you'll know
what to expect
Janice took in
a deep breath

and nodded her head
as Gran got up
off the chair
and gave her a sturdy stare.

You see a blue tractor pushing through deep snow in a far away field and trees laced with the whiteness of the recent fall and ignoring the babble of voices behind you you peer up at the dull grey sky and the chill makes its way through your body’s flesh and bones as you stand in your nightdress and bare feet because they don’t trust you here in the asylum with laces or belts or anything you could hang yourself with what with the last thing you did in the female john with the dressing gown cord around your neck tied one end to the high up flush system and the other around your pretty neck and if it hadn’t been for some nosy patient giving the game away and screaming at the top of her voice like some demented cow bringing the white uniformed nurses racing to your unwelcome rescue you’d be swinging your way to some paradise by this time or not so but now you stand by the window peering out with a cigarette in your mouth and your hands behind your back and your head leaning to one side as if some string had broken in the neck of a puppet and you trying to forget the memory of Bates and his leading you on and down into the dark depths and all that pumping of ***** and needles and that moon that you recall shining down on you as you lay on the grass your head about to explode into a thousand shapes and colours and sounds and the heat there uniformed and not so over you looking down their words lost in haze of Hendrix and guitars and all you wanted then was to slit your wrists and lay in a bath of warm water and go meet Jesus if He allowed but the heat boys had other ideas and the stars were all over the place and you talked of each note of music being still out there somewhere racing through space each tone and half tone each blues note easing itself through the space of time and you and your mind and the heat boys just looked on and smiled and thought no doubt she’s on a trip to nowhere let’s get her to the A& E of salvation and they did you recall and their words and touches were of kindness and not of lust or *** or that fecking ***** that some deliver to you remember out in the real world if real it is and who the heck knows anymore and as you stand by the window looking out at the snow and field and tractor and trees Sassy comes upon you with her arms around your waist and her lips on your neck where the scars of a failed hanging show mild red and none of the nurses are looking in your direction too busy in their work to see you and the dame with her lips ******* your neck and her hand feeling your ******* and even if your ******* is on hold what with the stress and such you don’t feel much for the loving touch she wants to give remembering Bates and his strong fingers and his tongue like some viper licking and you turn away from the window seeing her eyes and smile and her hands held out to her side like some Crucified waiting for the nails and hammering and the goodbye words and far off you hear the morning birds and feel the emptiness open wide to swallow all and each and whatever it is you want hidden or lost or seek just yourself within the walls of your mother’s womb and there to hide.

Miriam sat on the coach next to the boy Benedict shed met him at Dover Priory Station as they both got in the double decker bus to the ferry port can I sit next to you? shed asked him sure hed said and moved over in the seat to allow her to sit on the already crowded bus and the bus took off to the ferry port with its packed bus of passengers Miriam didnt want to spend the next two weeks of her holiday abroad alone and even though there would be about thirty in the holiday package she knew no one and some were in couples married or otherwise or lone girls like her or the single boys whom she felt were not her kind except this boy seemed a bit different although she couldnt quite put her finger on what it was and when they got off the bus and onto the ferry she stayed near him as much as possible talking when she could or stood next to him as they looked out at the sea once the ferry had left the port and once they had arrived at Calais and disembarked from the ferry she followed him onto the coach where she said can I sit next to you? if you like he said  did you want to sit by the window? if I could she said and he allowed her to go in first and once she was settled in her seat he moved in beside her and lay his head on the back of the seat and closed his eyes she looked out the window waiting for the coach to take off are you sure you dont mind me sitting here? she asked no of course not he said not opening his eyes good to have company and pretty company she smiled and turned and gazed at her reflection in the glass of the window as best she could she never considered herself pretty what with her tight red  curly hair and her freckled face and bright blue eyes and a mouth she thought too wide she pulled a face at herself and looked away she settled back in the seat and lay her head on the rest at the back of the seat and tried to sleep for a while but she was too restless and opened her eyes and sat gazing at the passengers still boarding the coach her hands were restless she wanted to do something with them so she tucked them between her thighs out of the way and stared out the window a few stragglers were still waiting to board the coach she ought to have got the book out of her case to read on the journey now she had nothing to do but look out the window or at her fellow passengers or close her eyes and sleep she gazed at the boy Benedict beside her his eyes still closed soon be off she said to him hope its soon he replied me too she said hoping he would open his eyes and look at her but he didnt he just lay there with his eyes closed then after a few minutes the coach started up and the coach began to move from the Calais port and onto a road were off she said he opened his eyes and looked past her head about time he said and looked at the passing view she studied him sitting there with his hazel eyes and quiff of hair brown and wavy isnt it exciting she said to be actually taking off he gazed at her and smiled taking off what? from the port she said catching his smile what did you think I meant? nothing its my imagination goes riot at times she looked at him what did you think Id take off something? she said well could take off that jumper its too hot for it at the moment she raised an eyebrow is it? she said aren't you hot? he asked she supposed she was rather when she thought about and so she took of her jumper and tucked it behind her and sat back on it is that better? she asked I like the tee shirt he said she looked down at the tee shirt it had two rabbits where her ******* were what are their names? he asked what? she said the rabbits what are their names? he said I dont know she said I havent given them names he smiled how can you not name rabbits with names? she shrugged theyre not real rabbits theyre only printed rabbits on cloth she said still rabbits though he said printed or otherwise she smiled ok what shall I call them then?she asked thats up to you he said what names do rabbits have? all sorts of names she said did you have rabbits as a child? he asked yes I did she said reflecting back two white ones Fluffy and Snowy she said smiling so which one will be Fluffy and which Snowy he asked pointing to the two printed rabbits on her tee shirt you choose she said which one looks most like Fluffy? he studied the two rabbits closely mmm think the one of the right looks more fluffy than the one of the left so that one is Snowy? she asked yes I guess so he said the driver switched on the radio and classic music filled the coach thats Chopin Benedict said what is? she said I thought we decided on Snowy no the music he said its a Chopin piece is it? she said yes a sonata I think she gazed at him and he looked at her so how often will you feed the rabbits? feed them? she said sure you got to feed rabbits or theyll die of hunger he said smiling theyre not real rabbits she said smiling at him they look real he said sitting there all kind of innocent and hungry but theyre not real except maybe I will feed them later just to please you she said o good he said and dont forget to give them plenty of strokes rabbits like to be stroked maybe later I will she said looking at him taking in his bright hazel eyes gazing at her eyes of bright blue maybe later she said you can stroke them too.

I had a bow
over my shoulder
and threes arrows
tucked in

a mother-made quiver
and was walking over
Meadow Row bomb site
with Janice beside me

-my Maid Marian-
what are you going
to shoot?
she asked

isn't it dangerous?
gran would say
it was dangerous
no the arrows

have got suckers
on the end
they're meant to stick
onto a surface

not enter into it
I said
so what are you going
to hit Benny?

a target on a wall
I tell her
she form an O
with her mouth

what target on a wall?
she said
as we came
to a brick wall

of a bombed out house
here will be the target
I said
she stood and watched

as I drew the outline
of a man with chalk
-a kid always has
a piece of chalk

in his pocket
as well as string
and marbles-
who is it meant to be?

she asked
doesn't look like
anyone I know
it's just a target

an outline of a man
I drew in eyes
nose and mouth
and a heart

and stand back
there is the target
I said
what now?

she said
I stand back a pace or so
and try hit the heart
with an arrow

I said
she nodded her head
so that her fair hair moved
and the red beret shifted

on her head
we walked back
a few paces
over the stones

and rubble
of the bomb site
until we reached
a distant I could hit

the drawn target
I removed the bow
from my shoulder
and took an arrow

from the quiver
and licked the sucker end
of the arrow
then placed the arrow

onto the string
and drew the arrow back
with my fingers
holding the **** firmly

will you hit his heart?
Janice said
I eyed along my arm
and arrow sucker

and at the drawn heart
and released the ****
and the arrow whizzed
through the air

and hit and stuck
to the wall
just on the edge
of the drawn heart

almost got it
Janice said
almost killed him
I walked to the target

and pulled off the arrow
it would have
killed him anyway
I said

can I have ago?
she asked
what if your gran
sees you?

I thought you said
she said it was dangerous?
she did
Janice said

but I won't tell her
I had ago
and she won't see me
what if she did?

I asked
she hesitated
taking the bow
from my hand

and she looked around
the bomb site
and over at the road
over the way

then back along
Meadow Row
satisfied her gran
was not around

she took the bow
from my hand
and the arrow
and attempted to put

the **** end
onto the string
how's it go?
she asked

I showed her
and her thin fingers
held the arrow in place
and the other thin fingers

held the bow
she closed an eye
and looked down
her thin arm

at her other hand
and the sucker end
of the arrow
got it?

I asked
got what?
she asked
the heart in view

I said
no I can't see it
you have
the wrong eye closed

I tell her
o
she said
and closed

the other eye instead
o yes now I see it
she said
as she drew back

the **** end
of the arrow
then she released it
and the arrow shot

through the air
and bounced off
the target
by the drawn head

it didn't stick
she said
you didn't licked
the sucker end

with spit
I said
yuk
she said

and handed me back
the bow
wiping her small hands
on her flowery dress

if gran had seen me
do that
I'd be in
for a good hiding

she said
I walked off
over the rubble
to get my arrow

and she stood watching
with the noon day sun
over her
fair haired head

you'd have killed
maybe
I called over
and said.

As soon as she closed her bedroom door Sophia began to undress daj spokój she said in Polish come on she said in English Benedict stood staring what if your parents come back? he said they not come for ages she said go out to dinner with friends but Benedict was unsure he stood there watching her undress you just come to watch? she said standing there in her underclothes we have only just come back from the cinema he said can't we just have a coffee first and maybe think about it? no we not time for coffee we have *** she said gazing at him sternly he began to take off his clothes listening out for voices or a door closing or opening not worry they not be back we have hours before they back she said removing the last of her clothes and pulling back the bed covers he looked at the bed at the pillows at her standing there completely bare your father speaks little good English last time I was here he misunderstood me then how can I explain this? not time to explain now she said getting into the bed and watching him ******* reluctantly his eyes on her his heart pumping fast imagining her father coming up the stairs and finding him there she patted the bed beside her I am ready she said let us get going he stood undressed and climbed into the bed beside her she turned and switched off the lamp beside the bed then turned to face him again he saw her outline in the light of the moonlight coming through the window she touched his pecker with her slim fingers he felt unready for anything he wanted to go home and be somewhere safe she kissed him and put a hand on his back he put his hand on her thigh felt soft skin I see you have no crucifix on your wall above the bed like your parents have he said no I don't want Jesus see me at night in bed or get up in morning she said my parents are old fashion Catholics I think differently about things she kissed him on the lips her tongue entered his mouth and moved around his tongue he gagged and she moved her tongue away and sat back what matter now? first you have no stiff now you not like the tongue why you here? she said moodily he sighed you said come back to your place for coffee nothing about this he said you not like me not fancy me? she said yes I do but I’m not ready he said we wait a while she said laying back on the pillow he lay back too they faced each other neither touching how long have you lived here in England? he asked I came when I was nine years old he nodded your mother she's Italian? Sophia nodded yes my father he Polish they met after the War in Italy she said why did they come here to live? he asked my father come here with a job he get and bring us here too she said her hand felt for his pecker and touched he stirred looked at her in the semi-dark he touched her leg with his right hand she kissed him and put a hand around his neck you like me? she asked yes I do but what if your parents come back? you worry too much they not come back yet she said licking her lips she pulled him closer to her body you not like ***? she asked he sighed and looked past her at the window at the moonlight yes I do but I can't relax just in case he said in case of what? I tell you not come back long time she said in a fast movement she was on top of him and leaning breathing over him licking his chest he lay there pinned to the bed I really can't he said yes you can she said I feel stiffness of it she said come on we have it he looked past her head at the patterns on the ceiling made by the moonlight and trees swaying she worked on him and moved and moved and he sensed her moving and the light came and went the moonlight gone then there he put his hands on her thighs and felt a swimming sensation as if he were in water or swaying or he didn't know what but the bed moved and so did she and he and the moonlight was gone and there was darkness and perfume and body and lips and he felt himself as if swimming fast as waves lifted him and let him down then up and he thought he heard sirens or maidens or voices  and her lips were on his and her tongue entered and he swallowed her up and or though he had and she said come come and he heard angels sing or maidens moan or sirens on rocks or voices downstairs or calling voices from the shore was her parents or sea waves and she brought him around and over and now he was riding the waves of the sea and she lay there spread like an eagle wings wide and he kissed her lips her neck her cheek her nose as he dipped and rose and she began to sing or sigh or laugh or call and the waves lifted high and then low and he kissed her ******* then he swam and swam as he rose and fell and sounds came and went maidens calling angels singing or calls from a far off shore lights flashed in his head or was it the wall and she entered her tongue and **** and **** and he skimmed the high waves and slide into the rise and fall and voices or angels singing or maidens calling from a nearby shore was that her parents calling or singing he wasn't sure.

Frock. Fiona’s frock. She found it in her mother’s wardrobe while clearing out her mother’s clothes after her death in a car crash. Why had she saved it? Fiona mused, taking out the frock, holding it at arm’s length. Her Uncle Will had bought it for her for her tenth birthday. She remembered the day, him giving her a parcel wrapped in coloured paper with a ribbon attached. He stood with his large brown eyes on her as she opened it excitedly. Black with white lace. She had held it against her, felt the softness of the material against her cheek; smelt the cleanness, newness of it. Try it on, he had said, rubbing his hands together. She ran upstairs to her bedroom, took off her party dress of pink, put on the black frock. She stood in front of the large mirror and turned around. She smiled; it made her look grown up. She turned again. When her eyes looked in the mirror she saw her Uncle Will standing by the door gazing at her. She turned and flushed. Do you like it? He had asked, his eyes studying her. She did like the frock, liked the way it felt against her skin, the way it looked on her, made her feel older. She smiled, said it was beautiful, turned around for him to see her. She brushed back hair from her face, felt her face flush with a mixture of excitement and embarrassment. He had come to her, kissed her cheek, told her she looked like a princess in the frock. She had laughed, turned again and when she stopped, he held against him for a few moments, brushed a few strands of hair from her cheek. That was only the beginning, she reflected now, putting the black frock on her mother’s bed, standing back, gazing at the frock that had brought misery into her life. She sighed. Took a deep breath. She thought it had been thrown out years before. Why had her mother kept it? She looked quickly through the wardrobe, threw bundles of her mother’s clothes into black bags, carried them down to her car for the charity shops. The frock lay on the bed where she had put it. When she went back to the room, she tried to avoid looking at it. She carried out a search of the room for other items of clothing, took them all out until the room was empty of her mother’s belongings. She sat on the bed, picked up the frock. She smelt it. It smelt of mothballs and her old scent. She felt the material with her fingers. Rubbed it between finger and thumb. Don’t you like it? A voice said in her head. Yes, yes, I love it, her ten-year-old voice said. Very much? Yes, very much. She threw the frock back on the bed. Wiped her hands on her jeans, sighed deeply. For a few moments she felt she could feel his hands on her waist again, sense his breath on her neck. It was not this room, but another up along the passageway, that was hers that he had entered and closed the door behind him. He stood there that day, the smile on his face, kindly looking, and gentle in voice. She had been just about to change back into her pink party dress when he entered. He stared at her in her underclothes. He asked why she wasn’t wearing the frock he had bought. She grabbed up the pink party dress, held it against her. She wanted to save it for another occasion. For him another time. He nodded. He said he’d take her out for a special meal to celebrate her birthday the following day. He’d asked her parents and they had thought it a great idea, as he was her godfather and had bought her the lovely frock. She felt a mixture of unease and happiness. He walked to her, took away the pink party dress, placed it on a chair by the window. She felt a chill, hugged herself with her arms. She got up quickly from the bed, went to the window with her back to the bed and the frock. It had happened that day. She felt sick. Wished her brain could be drained of the memory. The trees had got bigger since she was that child; the roses had spread along the garden reaching higher and wider than they had then. She told no one. Whom could she tell? Who would believe her? Uncle Will? No one would have thought it possible, not by him, not ever. She turned, stared at the frock on the bed. He had made her wear it, made her put it on again. He sat her on his lap, hugged her. His hands rubbed her thighs, pushing the frock upward. She ran to the bed, grabbed the frock and attempted to rip it apart, but nothing happened, it remained in one piece. She ******* it up, threw it across the room. It landed by the window. The sunlight shone on it. The black looked almost evil. As if it had a life of its own. She walked to the window, kicked the frock into a corner, and glared at it. If only it had been him she could have kicked; him she could try to rip apart. But it was too late. He had died with her mother in the car crash. That was why she wouldn’t visit her mother anymore; not while he lived there with her mother; doing things together; sleeping together. Him. And her. And her father gone off with some young girl some years back and was living in New York. Just this now. The house was hers she guessed. And all this. The frock lay there. Still. Unmoving. Black with white lace. No one knew what had happened that day, except her, him and the frock. Black with white lace. Just there. Huddled. Black and evil. The scent of dress lingered; the smell of him lingered in its folds, the innocence of her childhood soaked into the very fabric, drawn from her that day, filtered piece by piece from her on her bed in that room wearing that frock.