i have yet to learn my lesson about playing with fire.

When i ran out of ways to make myself happy, i turned to vices instead.

and i hate her with almost the same passion that i hate you with.

*but not quite. For i hate you with a lovers passion, and i hate her as the usurper.

thinking that flowers, roses especially, are true symbols of love.

they wither and die within days...just like love.

and roses are covered in thorns that cut when you hold them too *tight.

I realized that she looked up to me about fifteen seconds too late.

to everyone who's calling me....*i am no longer the person you're looking for.

getting lost in kisses that may or may not mean everything just to get away from you.

red pen lines cover pale thighs and i am almost ashamed.

trying to reach for death in the dark, but even the reaper has abandoned me.

telling you how you wrecked my heart hurts almost as much as when you trampled on it.

please stop trying to talk to me like you don't make me wish i was dead.

numbness sinks into my bones.

nobody even knows your last name

i understand. i'm sorry i didn't know you.

i will never be what you want.

babydoll keeps saying she loves me, *but she doesn't know what a mess i really am.

he kissed the scars on her skin, but stared at yours in absolute disgust.

you had the nerve to tell me to smile, even though you are the one who took it away to begin with.

i hate you with an intensity that makes me want to rip off every inch of skin you have ever touched.

i don't care if you're just commenting on the weather *don't talk to me.

the pain inside feels physical.

i'm fighting but i still want to die...

incapable of breathing once again.

the way i'm spiralling out now, i am in no position to make promises.

the more pain i'm in, the worse i become.

my tears refuse to fall again.

i wished on stars and 11:11's but every star is long dead and my clock must be as broken as my mind.

feeling like a wasteland.

adjustment is hard when it comes to you.

i am an addict in the worst possible ways.

trying to pretend that i can't feel my heart *dying.

and i am realizing that i am living my life one push away from self-destruction.

soon, i will be sipping coffee with my color-renaming ghost boy, and forgetting tonight's agonies.

i hope you're happy without everything we could have been.*

[p.s. *i'm lying]

i want to float beneath the waves until all is forgotten.

as the night sets in, my demons begin to eat me alive.

and i find that i have been thinking about death a lot as of late.

i have seen what believing has done and i am no longer sure i want any part of it.

i am relapsing.

the anger is starting to burn through.

you are way too beautiful and alive to fall for a girl like me, babydoll. save yourself while you can.

yes, i have other things to hold me together.

like poems that are dripping with you, and a small, shy cat who was once a stray like myself.

along with a ghostly stoner boy, who renames the colors of the rainbow and who speaks nonsense phrases, even when he's sober.

and a candle-flame girl who is covered in scars and who hides her pain in too-big hoodies, who hugs too tight and bleeds too easily and who doesn't know what a mistake falling for me will turn out to be, who draws me pictures and writes me love notes and cries into the night because she can tell that i ache for you still.

yes, you smartmouthed fool, i have other things to hold me together. but none of them are you.

sitting here terrified of you because everyone who came before left

i feel like an addict going through withdrawal.

and my veins are singing to be freed from my skin.

stop sitting in the seats i always sit in just to **** with me.

i am wondering if this is what a panic attack feels like

i am giving up on you.

my tears have finally managed to fall.

so if you could stop trying to treat my body like your own personal antidepressant, i would really appreciate it.