Moon at your side
Sun at your back
the stars have already laid a path
your reputation precedes you
step into the shade of your presence
and be present
Now
Now
Now, is the moment of conception
clarity is an all-encompassing sight
be the landscape that is your greatness
and let the light and the shadows
fall where they may

How was your day?

                                       it was a day....except




this kid in the last row of class
shrouded in his own personal forest fire
actually took the time to cool into his seat

he settled down like a tree stump
as he listened to the murmuring of roots
                      y = ax^2 + bx +c

how could he not be captivated
in this wasteland for numbers and adolescent brains
how could he not be cultivated
                       this is my job

for the first time
he raises his hand with answers unpronounced
stumbling through parentheses
   as if they were brackets holding him together
               it is harder than it looks

he approaches the board
   -paper in hand
      and turns to face his audience

****! * it's a lot of people in here

I later ask him, when was the last time you went to the board
he says * never

you talk to me as if suicide isn't an option
as if I haven't cut myself six million and one times
      there are only so many ways to count to death
dreams
   can only be ****** for so long

I felt the first crack
                             the day
                                       you called me
                                                              a mistake
to think
   I mistook you for a parent
but you never learned to bare your heart
just gnashing fists and clenched teeth
love
      has always had gaps to escape through
   you just didn't let it

but before I get to note's end
I want you to know
            that I love you
            that I speak it every night into the
                                                   s                           n         e
                                                            l  ­           e
                                                      i        ­                    c
like a prayer
            that I pray that someday it will be enough
   to put cracks in this reality

depression is not the only thing I drown in
under all the blue
I am gushing with red
it's just sometimes I forget I'm breathing

I guess what I'm saying is
   **Eventually...
                             I will flood
but I'm holding off as long as I can
~it would be nice if you at least tried to help~

Shadows splayed over his shoulders
Cloaked in mediocrity, he moves
Glides through backgrounds vibrant yet unseen
With each step he leaves gold
Or wealth of some sort
Effortlessly enriching, silently giving
The wind gave breath to heirs
And their air will give breath to light
Even despite all his gray
He is genesis to a spectrum
   Splayed all across this earth
From joy and mirth
     To dismay and sadness
       And all the emotions in between
His attitude is a color scheme
  Could paint over any scene
       Sub Saharan or Cool Plateau
Mountain range or concrete ghetto

Color me enlightened

a sober rooftop and the city skyline

I hope to never feel this view again
twilight drifting overhead inevitable
still not enough space to hold this heartache
   not enough space to capture this silence
I saw the city collapse in mere seconds
bulldozed by a swift five words
then the silence...

                              ...the silence was an eternity
by the time I responded
  you were gone
  along with everything we ever built
only the stars and I remained
but there was nothing left to wish for
nothing
     but a stiff drink

Death from her life on my shoulders
resurrect me in the wind
     -a weightless vagabond
whispering breaths of prophecy

Blessed are those who live life to the fullest

Tamed to breath filtered oxygen
we did not know the taste of exhilaration
conceptualized, packaged and shipped objective
realize that society holds no ground
life is yours to miss

open your eyes to the fact
that you are blind
                                 and no one sees you

Insanity

I-N-S-A-N-I-T-Y

Insanity- doing the same thing over and over and over again and expecting different results


The First Time...ended in downpour
a shower of sorts
self-inflicted and long
she rolled off my body like water
her name rolled from my mouth
actually, her name was never in my mouth
I did not swallow it
   or rinse with it
it was not exchanged
it just dropped
   ...like the water


The First Time...started with a call
with nerves
she was all conservative sweater
her clothing did not betray her
sunken in couch
I was all of 16
my words betrayed me
No, maybe I betrayed my words
or maybe my mind betrayed us both
or maybe all betrayed all
   each of my personalities lost within another
I was all of 16, pre-downpour

The First Time...was the worst time
sunken in couch to sunken in bed
I was all of 16, I was all of betrayal
She...was all LIBERAL
They say,
in the weakest of moments, the spirit is loosened from the body - a detachment of sorts
in my most sensual of moments, my body was loosened from my spirit
     a weakness I guess

the first time ended with me
   in a ******
       in a trashcan
            in a bathroom that was not mine
the first time ended in downpour

~6 years~

The Second Time
#post downpour/ pre-tempest

The Second Time...started with nerves
   with a call
       with an itch that needed scratching
I already knew the ending
-happy
...then downpour
I was all of grown boy
sunken in couch was a different chapter
sunken in bed was a different chapter
this time, I was the author

...the rest is still unwritten...

marvel at the marvelous marble
   once polished to shine sheer miracle
the beauty is in the detail
chiseled curves that make art of physics
philosophy of feeling
defying reason in smooth yet rigid contours
defined by...
                   ...well escapes definition
   tells words to keep on rambling
      this picture is far too monumental
and yet it never moves
permanent freeze frame
standing testament that
new lessons can be learned from old things

once an alter
the foundation has not been swept
dust allowed to admire more than hands
yet shine marble shine!
such offerings I wish I could bring still
but spirit has retreated to novel space unknown
memory cherished nonetheless
copper bronzed in gold
and then dipped
again
and again
and again
just for the smile of it
what of distance when I can always visit the statue
and it stands
in the plaza of my mind- centerpiece

I lost grasp of peace for a while
in thoughts of forcing actions and pressing paths
but respect is the math that allows non-possessive love to still caress
I think it may be time to rinse the feet
   and crown
to renew the version I met via happenstance
  or fate
     or miracle
dust the eyes so I can see a future again
a testament still
   but to the person or to love
the idea of both are motionlessly entangled
cast for a never-ending tango
of stoicism vs passion
and yet
   she smiles
and so I smile
in longing of her
in remembrance of her
in release of her
with hopes that where ever her spirit now flutters
she is poetry in motion
still, for peace only
and then on to the next breath of art
I hope that her eyes see futures of gold
where ever her feet adorn
the world's statue
that must still dance
     free

slippery highways
tongue traverses yellow lines
the crash is magic

"I feel like it's unfair. I feel like everyone should have that one tooth to show off, even if their smile is only one tooth. I feel like that's only right."

He told me, if you are in this class, you have to stop feeling and start thinking.

[Shrug]"I think it's unfair. I think everyone should have that one tooth to show off, even if their smile is only one tooth. I think that's only right."

He asked why?

"Because I feel like..."

STOP! Stop feeling. Think.

That night, I told my girlfriend I thought I didn't love her
I don't think she liked that very much because I never saw her after
but I've been thinking ever since
and whenever someone tells me I'm thinking wrong
I feel mad
but I ignore it
I think I'm becoming a better person
though I smile less, I think more
whenever someone says I feel
I tell them think
I tell them Grow up and use your brain
I tell them think

One day
my professor gave me an F on a paper
but I thought he was wrong
(I never once wrote the word feel)
but he said my thinking was wrong
so that night,
that night I thought long and hard
And the next day I gave my professor a FINAL grade
and I thought it was fair

Now I'm sitting in this chair
me talking to you
you asking me
how do I feel?
How do I feel?

Honestly...
I don't. I don't feel anything.
I think feeling is a waste of time.
and so when those currents come shooting through my veins
pleading with me to feel, if only for one last time
I'll smile
and tell them to count my teeth!

On the other side of fear is greatness
on the other side of greatness is [___]



the thing about lines is they never end
always polarizing into two sides
that gain assurance in contrast
                 who are you without comparison

this life is geometry
characterized by curves and endings
by spontaneous turns
   that neglect signs
signal right
                      and
                               turn left

when the crash comes
there's a thin line between life and death
             (that's how the unconscious paints it)
but thin lines are the easiest
  to blend             blur
         sometimes even erase

I died last night in a dream
and awoke to a nightmare
  it was a thin line I didn't want to cross
but intersections aren't always marked
and crossing isn't always a choice

I X'ed out my ex and now
I'm not sure who I am
   or why I ex-ist

sometimes an intersection is
a new origin
   and axes rotate naturally
       to create novel planes
a transmigration of the soul

on the other side of reality is reality
          question this
make curiosity of this point
  but don't stand on it
the intervals of change may shift
but change is the word
     the rule
     the ruler by which measurement comes
mark my words
on the other side of fear is greatness
and on the other side of greatness is    t h e   u  n  k  n  o  w  n

keep changing
something always looks like nothing from far away

under foot
fertilizer whispers of fallen leaves
     not blackened or auburned
       by sweat or toil

light rests buried under compact soil
     silent and dense
     cold and unstirred
                                       forecasting autumn

waking dreams are ground into dust
and tossed to stoic winds

pillars stand unmoved by clocks
          tradition and duty
          tradition and duty
          tradition and duty
                           swing hands in unceasing circles
do not let your light be fodder

  under foot
fertilizer whispers of fallen leaves
     as stars stare holes into your black

A field of four leaf clovers
at the end of a rainbow
a trail of gold coins scattered about
   this is my path
a yellow brick road carved throughout
with lurking black cats and white butterflies
what of luck when you are constantly saddled
with rosemary and lavender
when hummingbirds and crows
seem to follow your every step
I go to sleep in birdsong and wake up to harmony
my luckiest moment?
my luckiest moment??
when I take this breath
  or the next
and the sun continues to shine
I drop a few gold coins
seeding another blessing for another day for another person

Once, neck-deep in a valley
I found a few hundred dollars
on a sidewalk
awaiting my presence
     -happenstance-
Once, I left my job
to freefall and never land
and I am still floating
      -coincidence-
Once, I met a witch
who blessed me with
copal and quartz and oil
and the anointing still stands
my luckiest moment???

Tomorrow
when serendipity meets mundane
and the die roll 7, 7 times
as if I live in complete abundance
I do not know of failure, only progress
and so perhaps, just maybe
my next step will be my best
if only to bare my sole to the world
and be received

My luckiest moment is a thread
of gold constantly woven into a legacy quilt
and is it just me
or did it just get warm ~ cozy
this is my life
and to live it
is the dream I used to sleep on
but I can hear steady chirps
and so I know I'm awake
   and well
at the end of some rainbow
crunking with leprechauns
and shooting loaded dice
luck? luck?!?!

I cannot lose.

Life has a funny way of mocking the non-believers
like reviving a heart just to kamikaze it back into submission

You were like my first sunset
a beautiful portrait of cascading hope
you were the colors that made dying days into dreams
a foreign land full of possibilities
I could close my eyes and wake half a world away with you

                   but life is funny
                                              ...HA

I been drifting round for lifetimes
seeking found on shores unknown
weeds a'tangle, castles tower
all I want is to lie down

They say nature is our mother
moon a clock of ever change
try so hard to never waiver
steady tides wash in so blue

Rush and crash, break and swell
may be time to set new sails
rest on winds call it adventure
wake on dust not mine to claim

Sun a beam of hope unlost
do it all without a cause
found a lotus in the blinding
cresting waves ignore the fall

Rush and crash, break and swell
may be time to set new sails
rest on winds call it adventure
wake on dust not mine to claim

he stood at the precipice of the most beautiful sunset
breathed in the colors
                            ... and exhaled loneliness
inhaled THC
              ... and coughed out a single sigh

he had seen it before

but from a different angle altogether
over the hills of her body
the colors seemed more vivid
his senses more alive
against the soundtrack of her heartbeat
the cascade was more than just a view
it was a glimpse
                              of what life could be

this is all I can do to stop the words
the anticipation of something great
      or disappointing
I hope the former

my stomach is a pit
that deepens with each  l  o  o  s  e  breath
diaphragm creates space for love
and pain
unsure of which will last longer

I cannot see your face
but I can picture your desire
it is mirrored in my eyes
clears a home in my mouth
though unspoken

I want to part your lips and slip you a secret
   I want you more than my form can hold

can we melt together
is this too much to ask for the first time
if so              I can stop the words
   (their expression, at least
not their existence)

we are static on these channels
rushing to be heard
whipping through empty space like a fast current
         where are we flowing?
just trying to stay current
         what are we showing?
currently nothing
                         we are static
can you hear our unintelligible pleas
      please...
   listen
can you hear us
      rushing
we just want to be something
rushing
   can you hear us

listen
         listen
    listen to the static
we are more than just noise
hear us
                           please
we are changing

Get quiet
         No, more quiet than that
Be small town back road
At 3am
Get still
         No, more still than that
Be tree that cuts through breeze
See change centuries away
But stop your trembling leaves
Let sap cry but don’t move to leave
Or brush away the tears
The world is healing
   And breaking at the same time

Get quiet
Enough to hear rifts under seas
Still
Enough to feel the shattering of cycles
The process through is not easy
Urges to relapse yell loudest
When siloed
Misery loves itself
Do you love yourself?



Don’t answer-
     Be quiet enough to hear the answer
Still enough to taste your fears
  And insecurities
Savor them before
Spitting out
Versions of you have                  -                must
Die to make way
Make a friend of grief
Hold its hand
And when you feel ready
     Move forward

She lays there a pregnant woman
the future a burden
kicking from the inside
    begging for its time
        pleading for fruition

hush now
                     I lullaby
you will come just like I came and my dad came and my grandfather came

                                   loud and after two minutes

she lays there a pregnant woman
and I swear
                      I can feel the future kicking
I am coming it echoes
...and so it was
    ...and so it did

Train Sets were always the coolest gift
I mean, I never got one
but that's what the movies say

now I ride trains daily
monotonous jumble of
commute.work.commute. sleep.

a ******
   brains get swallowed whole without my morning Joe
but there was a time...

...there was a time when
I rode that Polar Express to bliss
        crazed off hot chocolate
   golden ticket in hand

then
I slipped on ice caps
instead of sleeping on beaches
dreaming up Mad Hatter candy mogels

then
Tom Hank's voice was the patter of reindeer
and magic was cast by wizards
   not scientists

A White Beard
wise as Gandolf & Dumbledore
   specked with canyons of God
would laugh jolly into a nation
        into a season
   into that dusting galaxy of a child's eye

that beard
   holy and revered
would laugh humanity into a rattled world

slipping down chimneys
it would leave propaganda of hope
in the form of trainsets

No, I never got one
     but I loved that beard
        and the silver bells on its sleigh

they are voiceless now
but I keep them for their shine
I miss those days
                 ...sometimes...
I think about them on my train rides
wishing I had a different destination

who is to speak for the voiceless
     when their mutters make not a sound
who is to speak for the broken
     when their pieces cannot be found
Not I said the boy
     No one has spoken for me
so walking home
     he avoided cracked stone
          his eyes diverted down
and he saw no evil
     because he looked away
          until that very tragic day
               when it stood directly in his path
and he hadn't a clue what to do
he opened his mouth with a yelp
     but no one heard his cries
he was now the voiceless
     invisible to our eyes

my shadows warn of looming undercurrent
   it is already here
familiar shackles                        ankle-biting
     at old touch points
feet trudge
                      heavy
                              ­    then light
                      heavy
                               ­                       then light

I cut my strings 2 years ago                                (some of them)

                                                      the crown tips

shedding is continuous
heavy
            light
heavy
            light
heavy
­            light
                           I am learning to carry it well
to march
                 — in spite of burdens
                                                       /excess is a burden
                                                       /my burden is light

a forced dance at my feet
  I shuck and jive
   for a reticent forest
leaves applaud                        trees are unamused
                 — they’ve taught me better

                                                   stop running
                                                      plant in it
                                                    breathe it in
                                                              ­                  winter is   here

you can find reprieve in the burning of a candle
the flicker of wick
  pure animation of life

come and dance on these ponds with me
submerge yourself in scents unknown

have you ever bathed in lavender
come out dripping royalty

this, is the secret to passion:
dance in the wind
dance til the end
and when darkness comes
light another candle

to save a thread
            or cut it out
     or
           let
                  it
                       dwindle
the     natural      route

On living:
each breath is an act of creation
can you imagine nothing without color
inhale white, exhale black
let all the in-betweens refract

On dying:
each breath is an act of destruction
can you imagine everything without color
inhale black, exhale white
let all the in-betweens detract