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2.3k · Mar 2014
Trapped
Tamurray Mar 2014
I was born with a brain that takes hurtful words to heart which turned my world into a disordered mess
I cannot dig my way out of this chaos
I am trapped in my own skin
814 · Apr 2014
Invisible Girl
Tamurray Apr 2014
There was once a small girl who sat at the park
A place of refuge when her world was in the dark
Her flowing brown hair was beginning to thin
Still nobody cared about the struggle within
Bags under her dismal eyes from such deprivation of sleep
Because she counted crunches when she couldn't count sheep
She swayed on the swings to forget all her strife
Until there came the day when she ended her life
If only someone knew that her friends had left her
Stranded like an angel fish in the middle of a desert
She wouldn't have been bothered by the pressure to be perfect
And maybe she wouldn't have thought starving was worth it
693 · Apr 2014
I Am But A Shell
Tamurray Apr 2014
I am but a shell
What's inside you cannot tell
I am simply ordinary
Inner beauty quite contrary
To the previous remark
You view me as quote "stark"
In my mind you're bleak and dreary
Still I believe within you deary
Is an acute flicker of light
Just waiting to ignite
A thousand possibilities
Across the endless seven seas
If only you could invision
A world outside the television
A place within yourself
Imagination on the shelf
Dust it off and change perspectives
See how another being lives
Not in your head but in theirs
Though you'll grow tired climbing stairs
Reaching for the tip top of perfection
Praying for some form of protection
Against the vibrance within the soul
Colored red, orange, blue, pink, gold
But see no one out there knows
That inside us all it glows
We want our true colors out
Yet withold them with such doubt
Yes, I am but a shell.
But, tell me...aren't you as well?
632 · Jan 2015
Zero Calories
Tamurray Jan 2015
Three water bottles labeled
Breakfast
Lunch
Dinner
Drinking all those up are certain to make you thinner
You will not go above 500 calories
Because bones
bones
bones
Is all you want to see
571 · Dec 2014
Flawless?
Tamurray Dec 2014
This is much worse than the Zombie Apocalypse
Girls giving duck faces with neon puckered lips
And flowing bronze locks and waves go on for days
I must have missed going through the pretty hair phase
Static Elecrta and Einstein combined could not compare
To the fuzzy wuzzy mad mess frizzing up called my hair
They say that eyes of course are windows to the soul
Yet they fail to mention the inner beauty of a mole
It has feelings too you know it can hear what you're saying
It doesn't want your blemish cream it's happy so it's staying
Acne nowadays with cover up is a thing of the past
But I'm cherishing my teenage years why not make them last
Appearance isn't everything there's more to life than that
Like when I am in gym class playing baseball up to bat
I close my eyes swinging just as hard as I can
I missed the **** thing and didn't know but still ran
First and second then third base finally gone
By then the teacher yells because I'm doing it wrong
Well I don't like these rules I refuse to conform
Sports aren't in my nature it's the way I was born
Now give me a notepad and a pencil I am set
Or a list of names to alphabetize and my goal will be met
Calculators have nothing in contrast to my brain
But put stairs in my path and I may go insane
Tripping over myself is what I do best such a mess
Sure I'm different, make mistakes, but that's why I'm flawless
540 · Sep 2014
EDNOS
Tamurray Sep 2014
There comes a time that you hit rock bottom
You don't have all the worries but it feels like you got em
You cry and you claw and you climb and you shout
But you know without question there's no way out
It's so dark you wave your hand in front of your face
Still all you see is a black empty space
And the marks on your features like wrinkles in the past
Hold tight to the pain that you thought wouldn't last
But here you are today in the darkness
Alone
Wondering where you went wrong...why you're not skin and bone
Struggles
533 · May 2014
Silly Lemon
Tamurray May 2014
They say when life hands you lemons
Make lemonade
But they don't say what happens
While it's being made
You can't find the sweetener
And the faucet broke again
No ice in the freezer
Unplugged the fridge has been
How did this all occur
Things just got three times worse
Tumbling down in such a blur
Is this a blessing or a curse
The patience you do lack
But there will come a day
When you throw the lemon back
You never asked for it anyway
503 · Mar 2014
Hopeless
Tamurray Mar 2014
A Godless generation
Seemingly hopeless situation
All these poets throwin words but you can't find the relation
Lets not fight over pigmentation
Of the body thought mishapen
But is beautiful as ever
No man has ever been that clever
Not in his greatest endeavors
To out do the heavens
Or attempt the deadly sevens
And survive without a single prayer
Muttered over his five o clock chin hair
Without skippin a beat
Each deadline red line flat line God meets
Because he believes in you and me
So why can't we see
That it was He
Who made this beauty
Everything it's turned out to be?
503 · Mar 2014
Small Life
Tamurray Mar 2014
I cannot begin to explain the horror that is my life
No self-harm here since pain cuts deep enough without a knife
They won't let me paint my nightmares on the four white walls confining me
You know they lock you up when you say things like 'I just want to be pretty'
Three square meals a day is thought to be a round diet
But as a kid the shapes didn't fit so I had to keep it quiet
Quick while nobody's looking throw it to the dogs
Wrap some in your napkin and hope to God no one saw
They say it's something mental nothing physical at all
But go a day in my shoes and you'd see apart we fall
I try to reach out for a paintbrush to color in my dreams
Hands tangled up in measuring tape and I'm bursting at the seams
486 · Mar 2014
Recovery
Tamurray Mar 2014
She was in the hospital last night
I'm so afraid she's gonna die
She says everything will be alright
as soon as I'm the perfect size

When will that be?
When you've finally lost all your sanity
Obsessing over those counted calories?
When you pass out and can hardly breathe?
Or when your organs deflate
trying to lower your weight
to the ideal eighty-eight?
She says no dinner it can wait

Wait for what? The world to end?
It doesn't have to
Pick up a pen
and write about your struggling spirit
Maybe then we could stear it
Until you see what it is I see
and there you'll find
Recovery.
473 · Jan 2015
Let Your Flaws Down
Tamurray Jan 2015
Bones crack, bruises appear
None of that matters to the voices you hear
Hair thins, muscles ache
But how many more bad days is it going to take?
Like running to the finish line and tripping on your lace
You won't be first now, but you still need to place
It isn't like you're good enough
It isn't like you're thin
But you try to toughen up
And hush the words within
Come now darling, let your flaws down
Let them flow to your shoulders and cover up your frown
So they aren't exactly pretty, they aren't quite right
But in all fairness lovely, they are why you fight
You don't punch perfection in the face and laugh
You punch your imperfections, kick them off the path
It won't work, it's an illusion can you truly not see?
Those little quirks, they come back because they're who you're meant to be
451 · Oct 2014
Shadow of Doubt
Tamurray Oct 2014
You know of it's existence
That little twinge of doubt
You've witnessed it's persistence
And what it's all about
It starts as a flicker
That soon bursts into flames
To make it expand quicker
Us humans add self shame
As it burns we absent mindedly
Ponder on our fate
We choose to act so we won't see
What happens if we wait
To out run something so dark yet bright
Is not an easy thing to do
But along with doubt like day and night
Hope does exist too
The water threatens heated waves
Of lava orange and ashen
But nothing conquers hope itself save
Confidence and passion
Love yourself and others too
So that those flames burn out
And believe that hope will rescue you
From any shadow of doubt
438 · Mar 2014
Fatal Waters
Tamurray Mar 2014
The rushing rapids of your voice hold my tongue paralyzed not knowing of what flood may overcome my rocky shore next
Your tenacious wave of petulance hosts my vessel jeering for the beacon so vibrant on the horizon
A storm this detrimental shall never cause the amount of convulsion inflicted on another but myself
For if that prove false the ocean of erroneous intentions within me will ruse your rapids into dissolution
397 · Apr 2014
Cruel Beauty
Tamurray Apr 2014
She was worn
Sick and tired of being torn between elegance and truth
Tired of repeating verbatim the labels on foods in her head as her friends would eat them
Sick of tying herself to a noose and wishing there were some magic somewhere to loosen the hold
To loosen the grip that she had around her wrist constantly measuring the inches she had left to crawl her way to grace
And she wouldn't give up until she won the race against herself
Against time
Until her pitter-pattering footsteps were more hushed than the drop of a dime
Was killing herself considered a crime or was it the beauty of her imperfect lifestyle that caused the disappearing girl to submit to such cruel and unusual punishment?
373 · Mar 2014
Beauty
Tamurray Mar 2014
Beauty is supposed to be something that you feel
but apparently if you can't see it it's not real
To obtain perfection we keep our lips sealed
because nothing tastes as good as thin feels
Now my shoes tell another story step in them yourself
You can still see the pictures of me sitting on the shelf
And I'm laughing
And I'm happy
And I'm smiling ear to ear
But what you cannot fathom is the silence that I hear
And then she talks and I listen and I do what I'm told
Hoping that this dark rainbow has a sparkley *** of gold
And when she speaks she walks around you doesn't have a face
But that's because she's just a particle in space
353 · Mar 2014
What You See
Tamurray Mar 2014
I need someone to talk to about my problems and issues
maybe even someone just to toss me a tissue
Oh no forgive me did I just cry?
Well I'd rather do that than ya know die
Life is too short to limit yourself
To want the wealth instead of good health
You look in the mirror hate what you see
Cuz it don't fit the definition of beauty
You won't stop until you hit perfection
Until that definition is your relfection.
338 · Jan 2015
Jump Then Fall
Tamurray Jan 2015
Love is not an easy thing to understand. It is complex and intricate in detail, yet human kind falls into it faster than the calculated speed of light. Love is a feeling that is rooted somewhere deep inside the soul beginning as a small seed and blossoming into the most vibrant of colors that have not yet been invented. Oh, and how Love grows. It grows in lust. It grows in trust and in time blooms precious petals of truth and understanding, acceptance and reassurance, and the most beautiful flower of all creation. Love is a faint flicker that shines in even the darkest of days. The flame only glows brighter the longer it stays lit by the compassion contained within the heart behind the ribbed cage of the chest. If this vital ***** were not locked up, such burning fire would prove too detrimental for human hands to handle. When one holds the key to another's heart, they are faced with a difficult decision. Do they keep the power locked away and continue to fall in Love? Or do they unlock the cage, release the power, and rise in it?
292 · Oct 2014
Four Small Words
Tamurray Oct 2014
Four small words
Can go a long distance
One small world
Can be a large witness
To let go
Is not an option
Just keep hold
And take precaution
Too much this
And not enough that
The controlling abyss
You're held captive at
Cannot contain
The power within
Your mind remains
And it can win
Do not wait
Your thoughts exchange
It's never too late
Your life can change
Those four words
IT'S NEVER TOO LATE
Take flight with birds
Like weightless fate
267 · May 2014
I Feel
Tamurray May 2014
I feel alone.
I feel tired.
I feel ill and pained.
I feel as if there is nothing to look forward to in my life.
I feel like maybe dying at the age 20 isn't so bad after all.
I feel sick from the way that I've been allowing myself to consume food the past few days which is making me feel like a failure and since I feel alone there is not one soul that is here to assist me through my low times.
I feel like I can't talk to my family about going to see someone about my physical and mental health alike because I've tried and they seem to think I'm fine and I feel that the only way to fix it is to LOOK physically sick enough for them which has me feeling like an even BIGGER failure because I just ate a crap ton of food and there is no way to take it back.
I feel that my friends don't get that they are lucky to get even a single word out of me most days because every day is literally a giant struggle between my mind and my heart and my body and to even function like a semi normal human being takes more strength than I have nowadays.
I feel like everything is just crumbling to bits around me and the people meant to be here through the worst times are the ones setting fire to the pieces of my life as they plummet to the earth.
I feel like no jar of hearts or inspirational book or memoir or documentary or extensive research can bandage the wound that has been infecting me for over half of my life.
I feel as though crumbling to pieces myself and being set on fire thus wasting away to nothing before I even have the chance to hit earth like my life around me may just be the answer to my problems.
I feel stuck in a life that isn't mine and knowing that I deserve more but cannot get there because I'm not "enough". Not smart enough, not thin enough, not talented or skilled enough in any way to climb over the debris that continues to tumble and pile up tremendously high around me.
I feel cracked.
I feel broken.
245 · Apr 2014
Short Life
Tamurray Apr 2014
I'm not meant to live past twenty
Which is funny since I'm already seventeen
They want me to live and follow my dreams
but how can that be when they took them away from me
once I reached the perfect weight of eighty-three?
Every individual on planet Earth
has been slowly disappearing, dying since birth
Yet the ones who choose to wither in their own way
are the ones who receive "treatment" for the purpose of their worth
242 · Mar 2014
Behind Bars
Tamurray Mar 2014
My mind is locked behind bars
and you don't have the key
They say that God has a plan
to set me free
I just want to get lost in something more than I am
If I believe I will achieve then I know that I can
Just take a second step back
and look in the mirror
You know what you want to see
it couldn't be clearer
What caused this wasn't an obsession or a love
but of course it was rather a lack thereof
It's a disease of the mind
"It can be healed with time"
But to them it's their clock tickin'
it isn't mine
Looking out my window
I see birds flying high
Wondering what would happen if I gave it a try
Step off into darkness not knowing where I'm going
The only thing I have is wishing and hoping

— The End —