If only my loved ones knew how hard I've fought
If only they knew all the directions I've sought

Agony finally overcame me, now out on the rim
I hope they know my last thoughts are of them

©Pauline Russell

Refined by the fire
Of others sins and desires

Brash and bold
To hot to hold

Beaten with wrath
A ****** aftermath

Left with the weight
Of guilt and hate

Made to succumb
Reliving what was done

Every night in my dreams
It plays like a movie screen

Echoes of screams
Bounce off of moon beams

Thrashing in a sea of white
Over and over, the same fight

There's no leaving the past in the past
As every night it leaves me aghast

So take that advice
That's like raw nerves under ice

Think about it thrice
For it is far from suffice

My war rages on
From dusk till dawn

©Pauline Russell

I thought you were a friend of mine
I thought you was a treasured find

Only when it came to fruition
Did I see the true situation

I was no more than a pawn
You just played me all along

I opened my home and heart to you
On my friendship you just chew

As you spitting out words of friendship and love
While holding that anvil out of sight, high above

Now I'm flattened once again
Loving people my greatest sin

This time I refuse to mend
This time I snapped, I didn't bend

For evil is what I receive from men
This time I refuse to have another friend

©Pauline Russell

The count down has begun, imploding inside
Memories run rampant, bump into, collide
Explosions hidden just behind the eyes
Self destruction lies just under skin and a grin, a worn-out guise

Most never caring, never looking any deeper, tell them your fine
On the outside making it all perfect, every thing looks aligned
Self destruction, grief, and sorrow combine
With tremendous anguish and pain I've been assigned

Desperately reaching for a caring hand to guide
Want of love and hugs are implied
But my cries are ignored and denied Anger shows it's hand, as I shove everything to the side

Why is it on my heart this torment that lingers, forever to stay
All the while these rapidly changing emotions I'm trying to slay
Pushing everyone and everything away
Loneliness settles in for the long harrowing stay

Only love will make the sorrow depart
Every fiber of my being pleads for that fresh start
It will only take one caring heart
To picking up pieces as I fall apart

©Pauline Russell

Please little pill
Help me not to feel
**** it where it starts
Right there in the heart
As sorrow gathers up and multiplies
Tears trickling, gone is my disguise
Please dear pill rush to my side
Let you chemicals be applied

Awww, feeling no pain
As the drugs tickles my brain
Maybe I'll live through today
But as for tomorrow who's to say

©Pauline Russell

If the sign on my door says "Don't come in, call 911"
Just turn around, walk or run
Knowing that my demons won

For many years I fought this war
I'm bone tired, down to my core
Gonna let my demons settle the score

I'm thinking only of your sanity
You don't need to see the depravity
Of the way I set my self free from gravity

You don't need to see the gore
So I'll just let you know, I am no more
As I place this sign upon my door


DON'T COME IN, CALL 911


©Pauline Russell

Mind, nothing more than a swollen abscess
With long forgotten memories, pressed down and repressed
With enough pressure, the accuser becomes the accused
As agony is seared in, and infused
Childhood stolen, of ignorance deprived
Innocence lies rotting where it was buried alive

©Pauline Russell

Walking continually in the rain of desperation
Drowning in the flood of my dire situation

Mired in my grief by the muddy suction
Shackled in barbed wire chains of my self destruction

Watching the Wind's of Change, bring life's next squall
Surrounding me, protecting me, is my wailing wall

As the Sand's of time unmercifully does it's eroding
Agonizing memories, the darkness keeps exposing

Thoughts start to spin, start to twist and contort
Demons there to greet me, in my mind they love to consort

Struggling with all my might, still doesn't help, I am stuck
Sinking, I'm getting enveloped by life's gooey muck

Slowly submerging in suicidal quicksand, seeking only peace
Depression sinks in it's sharp teeth, for death is release

©Pauline Russell