you would call just to hear me say nothing at all,
i would listen to you spill drunk words with swag
& sway.
-
i knew not of how to love you
til i lost you,
we lost connection
then somehow i found myself.
-
i still miss you...
& tears still quickly form at the thought.

its okay,
even with no one to share it with...
-
im eager to say everything.
-
my lack of expression through the oral & written word
wears on me like the worn out jeans i wear once a week
at my place of work where i spend each day
hoping that my sense of tomorrow brings desire.
if tomorrow comes,
that is...
-
my state of mind tells me that nothing really is...
i find it strange to say that
nothing really is.

our connection seems promising,
our imperfections make for great conversation.
like a 90's romance novel,
the way i feel.
-
dear love,
we're not perfect
& its not like we'll ever be...

4am no longer calls;
am i unsatisfied with the peace i've found?
was the chaos
my driving force?
sometimes i feel lost without it.
-
its different now,
its silent.
still dark,
no longer violent.

the urge to share all of me
with one who listens
with desire
to know more of me;
sometimes i'd go years pretending
that i don't need a lover.
----
i remember loving at 16;
so young & so giving,
so new & so forgiving,
so harsh & so unhealthy.
----
i often miss the days...

a plethora of words;
lacking meaning
& arrowed at no one.
a flood of lost souls
& weary spirits
hoping for closure
after life spans
& light years of darkness.

"drown it out with music"
now drowned in un-amusement.
un-enthused
& now her smile isnt the same...
but in a good way.
-
jealousy turned acceptance,
hatred turned soft.
the flame in her eyes that caused a kundalini rise
has died...
but its a good thing.