Because I might die if I stay
Another day
In this body; where do
You think the mirror monsters came from?
The voice in my head holds strong;
Every time I
Look at myself my
Eyes are drawn towards every
Direction but straight to see
Their own reflection. Disgusting.
There isn't a single
Comfortable
Place to rest them on.
And so upon
Having to go out, I spent an eternity
Trying to see
If there's any way to make my
Waist smaller,
Trying to figure out if I'd get by
With saying I'm an inch taller
Than I actually am. The while
More I'll
Have promised turns into all
Of time, but still I fall
Apart every time I see
What's supposed to be me.
It can't be, really,
I know,
So
I'll close my eyes and pray
That this was just a dream all along
But I open them to stare
At that image, bright as day;
Every skin cell, every hair
Just seared into my mind
Where you won't be
Able to find
A shred of what they call
Positivity.

I didn't realise I'd
Ever have to actively decide
On which person to
Bother once I opened WhatsApp;
Can I even consider telling you
About everything
That's happened when we
Have nothing
In common anymore?
Nothing for
Us to freak out over at the same
Time? You know I
Wonder if you changed my
Contact name.
I miss when
You'd actually
Send
Me
Heart stickers. But
Now I have to scroll
All the way up.

Don't pretend it isn't still stuck
At the back of your mind
Don't blame it on bad luck
You know you're the reason you're
Falling behind
Couldn't you have done more
Held on for a bit longer
Been a little bit stronger
Well now look at who the crowd’s
Laughing at; you screamed a bit too loud
For the pain you've gone through
Why’re you
So weak? Answer me
Seriously
Look me in the eye and tell me
You aren't just a mess sitting in
The corner. They told you you'd win
In life; the only thing you can do
Now is prove them right, you
Know what I mean?
Stop lying to yourself. You haven't seen
Worse. You know
You're fine. So go.
All it takes
Is one step off the edge to make
History. One last breath.
[The admin has kicked ‘Natural Death'.]

Because you're not even good at what you do
Staring at the words from so long ago
You thought it was good? *****
That because now you know
Better, now you know
That the only thing that you excel
At is thinking too much of yourself
You think you know yourself well
Till you take a good long look in the mirror
You used to look to for inspiration. You thought it would
Help, you thought it could
Bring you that same flame you used to find
But put it all behind
You because you're a changed person now
(For the worse). Tell me how
You got here? Not even the higher-ups have an idea
When you first walked in, they thought you were smart
But that's a part
Of you that no longer exists; the only
Thing that never changes is change. Obviously
You aren't the same person from one day,
Two weeks, four months ago but occa
sionally you wish you were three again.
Three, when perhaps you made your first (imaginary) friend
Someone that could never leave your side
But now there's no one to say
"We're in this ride
Together" to because some way
Or another life lost its sparkle. You
Lost your sparkle too.

Sometimes I feel like dying
There isn't any point in trying
To be the person I used to be
The me
That people actually
Love. Barely
Any
Energy
Left for the simplest of punctuation.
My notebook hasn't been touched in days
(Like I said, there's no point anyway)
It burns to even glance at it
Glance at the me that's supposed to be
Alive and thriving
But is simply
Rotting away
Doing what I can't say
But it's all fine
It's better to leave nothing behind
Than to have set fires for
Others to put out
When I'm not here anymore.

I think words aren’t enough anymore
(Had they been before?)
I don’t remember the last time I really
Laughed without a care in the world, maybe
There were some funnier moments but nothing
Where I could get the thoughts out of my head
I think you get what I’m saying,
Right? Instead
They get temporarily
Pushed to the back of my mind
Only to haunt me
Minutes later. I’ll find
Them unexpectedly
Perhaps halfway
Through a lesson but the voice up there says
That it’s all my fault because I
Was the one that let all this time pass by
Without doing anything productive and the time
Is going to add up and I’m
Going to die alone
Penniless and unknown
To the world and we
All know that they’re going to forget me
After a while of my absence, all they need is to
Get someone from the same cookie
Cutter and bam moving on is rather easy to do.
People care, I know
(I hope) and while there’s just so
Many thanks I’ve yet to say it’s just hard to
Put it all into words
And they’ve definitely all heard
The same thing before because my friends are all far
Too good for me. But still my bar
Is set too high
For those that fall through my
Sieve but then again it is a me
Problem; what else could it be–
Nothing, that is– and so
I return to my computer where
I’ve been sitting for the past half hour, my wet hair
Making my neck and shoulders start to ache
But I just can’t bring myself to break
Eye contact with the screen or go
Grab the hairdryer (if you know you know).
Sorry I wasted your time reading this; I
Tend to forget that people like you
Have better things to do.

"No, not like that. That's not how
You're supposed to behave around
Other people. What will they
Think of you now?
What will they say?
Stop moving, they're going to
Stare at you.
You're being too
Loud.
Chin down. You look proud.
Why can't you smile more?
They didn't approach you before
You did them because you feel
Like an ah lian. No one
Wants to deal
With you. You're no fun
To be with. Stop talking.
No more dancing while walking.
Don't waste their time. No.
You can tell they want you to go
Away.
Why are you so
Emo
Today?
What's wrong with you?
What're you trying to do?
Why are you intruding? They
Don't need you to stay.
Stop disturbing people. Go make
More friends, you loner. Can take
Less food or not? You need
A 23-
Inch waist, I say already.
Ayah, not smart enough.
Why so weak? It's not that tough.
Wash your face
And wake up. This place
Is too
Good for you."
See?
It's easy
To be
My own Asian aunty.

Heat burns my skin
Peeling off
Shedding my past
Seeing him only hurts my heart more
I don't want to hurt him
I don't want to hurt anyone

Things just change over time
and things can't stay the same