I walked on the streets of jerusalem
looking at all the rainbow flags
it was as if
it was calling me
calling me for my freedom
sitting in the room
alone
alone for the first time in my life
wow what a gift that is
how challenging it felt
all alone
in a foreign country
no support at all
for it was the start of the covidjourney
of my personal awakening
back to myself
I than started to allow all the questions
i had kept inside of my soul
for so long
all about religion
my self worth
who i was
how much I was worth
what did I want to do with my life
who am I
I remember
the first shabbat(sabbath)
I broke it
I threw my skirt away
and wore pants for the first time
I thought
wow I feel naked
and free
And since than the journey
has began
3.5 years have past
and still am discovering myself
who I truly am
rediscovering so many things
in another city
all alone
listening to israeli music
crying sitting alone
as the skies grow darker
I wander
who am I
Am I a Jew
Am I just merely a person
maybe all the labels
don't matter
maybe all that I was taught my whole life
was all lies
maybe there is so much more to life
than what I have ever imagined
or concieved of
from my place of limited perception
maybe
I can dream bigger
Maybe
Just Maybe?

I remember
how much I loved you and wanted you
but I couldn't ever express it
and I was always taught that it was wrong
to love a girl
like I did
when I was so young
it still rings in my mind
trying to convince me to feel shame
but I know that what I felt for you was real
and I can't ever share it with you
or know if you ever felt the same
for you are married
and you hurt me in such a deep way
but I still miss you so so much
I always wanted to be you and to be with you
you were always so so beautiful to me
I have always tried to get over you
but maybe a childhood love
is hard to get over
you were the one who made me
find the word
that I know was my truth
that maybe I am bisexual
now I try to not label myself
for this label too has caused me pain
I love souls I love energy
I love people
I am trying to forgive you and to let this pain go
and maybe one day we will talk again soon.

Purify through fire and fury
Scourge away imperfections
But in doing so, sear away the layers of myself
That I never knew I would miss
Until now, with raw baby flesh left
Pink, bubbling burns.

Sit down, little fool;
These words are not meant for you
Your little ears are too soft and sensitive
For such a scalding reality.