ever been haunted by things not too **** long ago you would have truly , truly
had a hard time believing existed much less, existed in your life and explained some rather terrifying aspects of your young life?

Yeah.. yeah , I am seriously having a **** dance with a haunting that has a rare ability to cause me tobe apprehensive.

Apprehensive, sword not used to subscribe many aspects of my varied and sorted self and rather annoying and perplexing personality.

So, yes. That Fun&ed; up, seriously that fun&ed; up.

And in the end of it, some how became a villain in the eyes of some that believed in me in my youth, in what at one time I thought were just very realistic dreams.

I fun*&img; wish , cause they turn out to be far from dreams far even from the safety of nightmares, for even in nightmares imagined relief in the end of the sleep and a sense of okay in the waking.

Well, that is for children and the weak of heart for where I have found my self to reside is in a broken and ever continuing desolated place where I endlessly punish myself for failings beyond my control and ability to make right in time to be of any good.

Glory, redemption, salvation and forgives .are not evergreens found in a gift shop, not broken and rusty parts left over in a salvage yard and virtually are not the soul saving and wonderful things one hopes to find at the end of ones struggled.  

No , here in this place I am becoming more aware of and a past I am slowly realizing these things seen to be non existent and in fact removed specifically for my utter enjoyment to never find. sadly, removed seemingly by my own hand.  all because I seemed to have failed a person I truly came to.love in that place or state or what ever it can be called. yeah, you can be your worst critique and your worst enemy, more than you ever know. my friends , more than you ever know.

oh lord,where do I go now, how can it be?  and date I ever ask, how could I have failed to help them so utterly miserably that I am now, only now remembering , that horror.?.   how in gods name could that happen and never think things were a normal anything ,, guess I never did, thus this lie of a life and self deprivation and punishment I placed myself in of a sham of a marriage and utter sorrow none could relieve.  and now the memories start and oh soon the pull and reeling to come, oh how I truly wish I had never been so human as to allow electricity to steal my minds memories. the treatment failed but was a success in the fact that now only I get to pay for crimes I never committed but failed to alert to it seems. what? did you think a child could really save all of us , cause we sure did. write ******* did.... and then zap I failed all too late, and goofy eyes .......