and no matter how hard i try-how many rocks i climb, and bucket of swear i collect and certificates to show that it paid off-
no matter how many races i win-or great grades i receive or how nice i am to them-
no matter how many times im there-and the how are yous and smiles-
no matter how hard i try to just make everyone feel--the opposite of i.
its not enough to ever be important
for to my sister
who does nothing
who sits on her *** but begs for my help
who has no idea how to run through life and always needs me to hold on to the back of her bicycle as she learns to ride for the first time
whom treats them all like **** but can facade better than i
ill always come in second.
always
i mean nothing
i am nothing
no one ******* cares
and now,
i dont even know if i do either.

Shes poor- with a dead beat dad whom lives in the house but no connection-he stays on the couch while mother works her *** off cleaning houses and sweeping the floors of ones whoms only problem is their maunfuctioning macbooks.
shes poor with dreams-shes in college working so hard she could build a town of workers from her one mind and soul. her dedication is stronger than Lebron James to his game, stronger than Katie Ledeckys swims to win gold. She works hard and plays hard as Wiz Kalifa parades- to get that trophy of success.
shes poor with dreams and loans-she poops them out like twice a day, they pile like beyonces money by the second they pile just so she can achieve-so she can get that trophy so she can crawl her way out of her poverish ways-with a dead beat dad that lives on the couch with no connection and a mother cleaning homes of the macbook pros
shes poor with dreams and loans and now debt. She graduated highest of her class-4.0 no more no less-perfection is she, she always has been-
but none of that seemed to matter for now all that stares back at her is debt and defeat.
shes poor with no where to turn-why did she dig a deeper hole of de,bt why the hell is she paying out of her *** while the their children in college parents make double,
triple,
quadruple of her mother. Their parents can pay but because they wrote a few right answers to the test they pass with no blood on their hands-clean-
Those kids will keep the change, the change she has been trying to achieve her entire life
the change she bust her heart for
the change that will never come
in a society like ours.

theres a bully in my bathroom.
she resides on my floor-just staring back at me
she just lays there smiling and taunting me
shes great at doing it-for she accomplishes it without words
i never understand why she picks on my but then again she picks on everyone
i can see right thru her
shes that superficial and that basic
her body is just one shape no curves no nothing
but because of her-girls across the nation want to go in hibernation forever.
theres a bully in my bathroom
like i said i can see right thru her
she stands right at our foot height she isnt even tall
our lives revolve around her for shes not just in mine but shes in yours too
she lurks with the doctors and puts on a sweet face
for they think shes a huge help
but shes the biggest bully around
she comes in all colors and shapes.
only stands tall with the doctors
theres a bully in my bathroom
and when i step on her she just weighs me down.
weighs us down
theres a bully in my bathroom
and shes taking over the worlds self esteem
but maybe it isnt her-maybe its societies standards

and now the racism sprouts-or at least now it being recognized. because "the kids of the spelling bee should be american" and "nothing more american than a good spelling bee..oh wait all the caucasians are eliminated" are all tweets that are taking center stage and outraging millions.
about time.
yes i said it-its about time
because whenever there are super racist tweets about blacks, and hispanics
and dont fogret the offensive nicknames like darquisha and the crazy accents that television presents us with-
it seems to be a joke-or no one really gives two *****
and its heart smattering
tear rolling
that this ****
still
exists.
and the fact people actually have ***** to tweet **** like that-
but would have no ***** at all to step infront of a colorful crowd
made of colorful people
and spit out a word of disgust
think twice
this is america *****
not the 1900's in america
is 2014 *****
move foward.get over it.

im a basket full of eggs
so hard yet so fragile
one shake on rattle
one quick long drop
and ill pour over the surface letting all of my organs show
they will spill and expand rapidly
drying up the earths soil
ill gasp for air-try to cartch my breath
im in a race
in a battle
to keep my eggs from shatterting so easily
to keep my eggs hard broiled
the be hard egg shell and strong on the inside
i strive to be that broiled egg.
so even when im dropped
i wont shatter

i dont know what i am more upset with or who.
the world for making my dreams to high and far away to catch
or me for not trying hard enough
its tough to try
to reach the heights of the epire state building
to cross the atlantic ocean by just swimming it
to fly to hong kong with a jet i made all.by.my.self.
its hard to reach these things that are called dreams,
these things we are told to create at such a small age,
that disney makes so easy to come alive,
at a wish upon a star,
at a rub at a bottle,
with a simple kiss with some random guy ive never met.
dreams are so far away
my dreams that i oh so long for
the things i can taste so strongly when pucker my lips,
the dreams i can see so clearly when i shut my eyes real hard and wait until the tears come flowing down my open pored cheeks,
when the salty rivers take over my face and die the color of my skin to pink
these dreams
im supposed to be so excited about and spend my life catching
but when there is no way to get there
with out the right plane, with out the right map,
with out the right pilot without the right tools,
theres no way to reach my silly ol dreams that i stare at in the mirror every **** day,
that i stare at through the television scree,
that i dream about and replace myself with another
i can see myself so clearly
i know i can make it
i know i could sucseed i know i can
if i was just given that passport, that right pilot
to cross the ocean and land in the right airport
but for now i have nothing
but a jar of wishful thinking,
and a page full of remorse,
and cheeks stained of salt water,
and a computer whos keys are so tired of me expressing the same **** feeling,
dreams,
will remain
in my sleep.

you constantly manipulate the game-you toss and turn and hit the ball in all crooked ways, you scream crazy **** and pierce my soul and degrade me to levels not even six feet under could reach.
i seem to let it slide like a baby on ice because believe it or not, the louder my voice, the quieter my soul. I hate the confrontation and i dont see the point of stirring the ***.
i let you run train tracks over my face and flatten my self esteem so quickly but i cant seem to cut you off for good like an umbilical cord to a newborn.

i say one thing to you, because after all, you are always so big about being up front and in your face, you ask us why we dont talk our problems out and let our pandoras box open.
well. we did
we didnt agree-and then you become a power outage shutdown so quick and at this point, im more like pepco instead of BGE-im not quick to turn you back on.
I dont look through the same lens as you, and yes i might not see the bright side-im no sunny side eggs but hey, you are no sunflower either.

i dont understand your doubles. dont touch me and not expect to be touched.
we are friends sure but at this point im not sure if we are seesawing on a not wanting to crack the egg or if we are friends at all.
you are now shut down and at this point im like pepco-not sure when i will try to turn you back on, you bop me around like an abusive parent on drugs-you are so sure that you are right.
im hardly ever right, and i own it but you, im not sure
i cant let you use your pass about your past to get out of jail no for we all, victims and criminals have to own our past. use it to walk forward not run backwards down a hill

i know i know, im a *****, a stuck up ***** with alot to say and yes-i throw the memory of a 19 year old guy performing a ***** on me at only 5 but to be honest thats no excuse either.
we all have hot pots that are quickly dropped because of the complexity of our journeys but its no excuse to shut down. and now writing this more and more, im figuring out that this is not just a letter to you but a letter to myself. you gotta own your advice before dispersing it.
if you need a break, have a break
everyone needs a kitkat bar sometimes
i totally understand