The cushions
On my sofa
Were still warm
From your hands
After you left

****  
Don't look so surprised
**** **** ****
The words you say
A dozen times a day
Surprises you
When the fall out of my mouth
Staining my lips
Dark red

Disbelief
This isn't anything you have done
I have a dark conscience
I'm not only
Good and Kind
Loving
Gentle and sweet
Nice
Polite and confined

****
The word you barely notice
Explodes
When it comes from me
Try shove it back
Down my throat
With disappointment
Heavy
In your eyes
Did I ever
Do that to you?

Cover my eyes
Don't let me see
The things I already have
Try protect me
Save my innocence
My fragility
It's too late
I still breathe
And I will
Utter
Every word
Into the softness
Of my pillow
If I have to

You say
I'm being difficult
Was being nice
Too easy for you
What you expected
Too easy to be shattered

You thought
That only whiteness
Was me
I'm sorry
For not being sorry
Anymore

he looks at me
i don't know
what to say

eyes haunted
wanting a word
to be pressed
into his hand
the one that will give him hope
the one that will save him

cruelty
falls as a shadow
over his knees
his head
cowering shoulders
bruises
make a tattoo
rope
his captor

held by the man
with a gun
held to his skull
aching

i see his eyes
haunted
haunting me
held captured
in a photograph
black
and white
held captured
by time
and war
uncertainty

a word falls
before i can grab it
onto the dirt
heavy with the footsteps
of your oppressors
new
i wish
i could have saved you

His lies hide with him
Underneath the shadow
Of the moon

0
3
7
10
13
20
27

i'm tired
of keeping everything
inside

tired eyes
fingers
tapping
typing

a train
rattling the window panes
he swears
the vibration
makes the cracks
get wider

a drag
of greyness
heavy
taking life
out of his lungs

an empty page
the key of his type writer
held down
all at once

confused
rain
splattering
what's wrong with the sky
when it's blue

grinding
the joint
a bird's call
making him miss
his cat

he longs for turmoil
he longs for piece
he gets neither

Is the sky
The definition of empty
Blue
Heavy
With white clouds
Waiting to break
At my feet

i miss your breath
on my cheek
and your heartbeat
beneath my moving
fingertips

i miss your eyes
happy
and sad
and uncertain
and your smile
against my lips
as the sun
rose

i miss your voice
and the notes
and letters
you would write
and the flowers
you would steal
because
they were so pretty

i miss your words
and how you would say
'i love you'
like a question

and it's awful
but darling
i don't think i miss you

the bareness of your hands
white
like winter
stand out in the summer

just take me

I will lead you on
Without even realizing it
And by then
It will be too late
To do anything

let me hold your hand
and caress your wrist
barely
with my fingertips

look me in the eyes
and look away

i wish it was guilt
but guilt
isn't the synonym
for shame
and shame
is beige
and unrelenting
it's never halting
because
it's only
your conscience
you know

so move your hand
israel
and palestine

it seems to be so easy
to press
the red button

why then,
is the aftermath
so ******* hard

take my wrist
trace my eyes
i'm tired
of your lies

all the reasons
for our feelings
are blown away

by the wind
carried by the stars

stirring
dying leaves

but our feelings
never seem to leave

i want to know your lies
for what they are
and not for
honesty

it feels like
it should be
later than this

and the cold
is creeping in between
the spaces
of the window
and the sky
cloaked
in the shadows
of silver clouds
against a black
that's darker
than it should be

i wish
there was a stamp
that stamped out
dark words
that were sad and beautiful
onto white
pages
that were naive
and empty

it’s so easy
to smile
and sound happy
when all you are
is relieved
and you’re not
so sure why

i had to scrub
the initials of your name
off of my skin
but it stayed
scarred on my heart
even after the redness
had faded away

1/01/2014
I had a dream about you
And it was laced with regret

03/2014
You came back to me
With a smile
And questioning eyes
Who had I become?

04/2014
You hold my hand
To your lips
Sporadically
And I'm not sure
What I feel
Anymore

forever
isn't the eternity

we were brought up
to believe

in

it ends
for the butterfly
faster
and for the blossoms
that land in your hair
sooner

you keep crossing your eyes
thinking it means something
but it really
means nothing

You had me
At hello
And I thought that I would have you
At good bye
Otherwise
I would have never made you leave

if only we could be
as fair as the moon
in it's absence

we
are all humans
with blood
red
minds
swirling
hearts
beating
like thunder
and words
stumbling

(at least
that's what we
all
should be)

but we keep forgetting
and we move
our sites
over to someone else
and we press the red
button
we were told
never to
or pull the trigger
without seeing where the bullet
is about to go

and then we can smile
and laugh
and forget

the ruined buildings
and shattered skulls

There was once a boy who was so in love with a girl that he forgot her.
He forgot her eyes
Glittering like the sea
And her lips
Curved like a scarlet bow

The freckles across her nose
And her arms
He forgot the shapes of each one-
The constellations that they made

Her scent
Her skin against his
So smooth that it felt like nothing
Her cool hands
That burnt her in summer

He forgot the way to felt to hold her
In his arms
Pressed to his chest
The way he voice sounded
In the morning
At noon
In the evening
The fluidity of her laugh
The sadness in the way she held his hand
And the change in her heart beat
Against his fingertips

He loved her so much
That he forgot her

He stares at me
Across the room
Save me
Save me
He shoves words down his throat
Until he can’t see
And he covers his eyes
Until he can’t breathe

i have run out of words
to say

Don’t you wish
My darling
That we were as infinite
As the wind

you are everything
that i cannot count
on my fingers

I Hate Your Answers
When They Are
Everything
I Really Want To Hear

these are all lies
wrapped into
gold
and dipped in the light
of the moon

take some wine
a tumble
across the bed sheets
with another
until it feels better
until it feels
like you can understand
it fully
though it's really
just an illusion
that falls
like a shadow
cool
across my skin
in the summer

moving in the wind
that keeps changing direction
like my opinion

and this poem