woke up to the sound of my heart beating,
a dream involving me and you in a game of cheating.



my eyes adjust to the darkness surrounding me,
my body caged and the craving to be free.



i turn over and check my phone,
no messages from you and i now I'm alone.



the bed beneath me slowly fading,
my brain thinking and my heart waiting.



i go through everything i said to you earlier the day before,
i remember the your smell and it makes me want more.



my tired brain is over-worked from over-thinking,
my eyes seeing shapes in the darkness so i keep blinking.



woke up to the sound of my heart beating,
a dream involving me and you in a game of cheating.

There are 2 type of people in life:

Those who sit in the back row of the cinema and throw popcorn at each other

OR

Those who tell those people to shut their faces with sour looks on their faces.




Which one do you want to be?
You only have one shot at life, so live it to the fullest.
Make each day, as if it were your last.
Take nothing and no one for granted.

**Make each day special.

Today
I saw you.
And it wasn't
like before.
Before is over,
before cannot ever
come back.
We're in the
present now, where
we pretend
"us"
had never even
existed.

-S

I want to write a poem,
a poem reflecting everything i am,
everything i feel right now.

But to put into words,
something that i can't even say out loud,
is as emotionally exhausting as it gets.

My life spent trying soo hard,
to make other's happy and okay,
because they deserve it.

My days spent trying to look happy,
forcing a smile while over-thinking everything,
because they watch me.

My nights spent wanting to tear at my skin to stop the pain,
crying myself to sleep while thinking about how unhappy someone i know is,
because i care too much.

I think too much about it,
about him, them, you,
why?

I want to forget about the darkness eating me alive,
day by day and night by night,
why can't i just give up?

Everyday i remember everything he said to me,
every waking moment we spent together,
i want to forget it all.

Everyday i can't forget the constant pain,
the nausea and shaking,
why won't this stop?

Everyday i wake up and stare,
stare at the wall,
what's wrong with me?

Everyday i am scared,
that i am not good enough,
maybe i'm not.

Everyday i am scared,
that people hate me and maybe they do,
but doesn't someone love me for me?

Everyday it's a struggle,
to get out of bed and put on make up and force myself to eat,
and then put on a smile.

I want to write a beautifully sad poem,
about all this,
but how can i when i don't understand it all?

my skin still burns from where you touched me,
my smile has only started to fade,
my lips still remember last night,
my hands run through my hair,
my body aches with a craving for you body against mine again,
my brain only thinking about you,
my heart beating harder and faster after thinking back to last night.

i can only hear my heart beat in my ears,
my mind switches back to last night,
your hard breathing,
against my chest,
my breathes coming out hard and fast,
you body,
pressing up against mine,
mixing sweat,
and emotions with hunger,
my hands running up and down your back,
your hands in my hair,
my lips moving in sync with yours,
my heart beat beating in time with yours,
the words you whispered to me,
the promises,
the sweet nothings,
all so fresh in my mind.

my skin still burns from where you touched me,
my smile has only started to fade,
my lips still remember last night,
my hands run through my hair,
my body aches with a craving for you body against mine again,
my brain only thinking about you,
my heart beating harder and faster thinking of your body on top of mine.

let's take us to the edge,
test our limits,
you push me,
and i pull you,
back to me,
i love you,
but i need you,
and your not here,
you're somewhere,
not here though,
i need you,
i love you,
i want you,
to need me,
want me,
love me,
again.

we lay beneath the white sheets,
bodies close,
cars and people talk on the street,
but we will forget about those,

our hands exploring bare skin,
our eyes on each others lips,
we'll lay here for another min,
your body pressed against my hips,

we can lay here for forever,
wake up next to each other every day,
and we will never have to worry ever,
with clouds and skies too grey,

waking up next to you is what i want,
what i need the most
we don't need anything too fancy like an expensive restaurant,
because i just need you close.

you eyes have always said "for now"!

(n)
1. The feeling where you stay up at night, stare at your ceiling, ask yourself an infinite number of questions, then sit there and debate on whether or not you actually want to know the answer.

2. The feeling where you wonder who truly cares about you, and who is just using you; who is there for you, and who is so desperately waiting for you to fail.

3. The feeling where you feel like you're not good enough; that you need to be this, this and this to be successful and liked. You crave for the attention you know you can't have.

4. The feeling where you get frustrated because it's physically impossible to be 100% happy. You want someone to vent to, but no one will understand you.

5. The feeling where you question your value, your worth, your pride, yourself, everything...

and you think.

over think.

all night.


and all your left with is you, yourself, and a very dark place.







"i don't know where to go from here, i don't know who i am anymore," said the anxiety.

on the verge of tears,
i try to help a friend,
on the verge of tears,
you are my only end,
on the verge of tears,
i can't do this anymore,
on the verge of tears,
i know i haven't won the war,
on the verge of tears,
your in my mind again,
on the verge of tears,
i feel all this pain,
on the verge of tears,
i will always love you,
on the verge of tears,
you didn't love me and i knew,
on the verge of tears,
i thought i was past this,
on the verge of tears,
i miss your kiss.

on the inside,
he is insecure,
on the outside,
he is shy.

he is constantly feeling
lonely,
like everything
is his fault.

he hated that he treated her
wrongly,
that he never told her
he loved her enough.

on the inside,
he hates himself,
on the outside,
he's too lonely.

he is always sorry,
always,
for the small things,
always.

he is too shy,
too far away,
too lost,
and he needs her.

behind his eyes,
are stories he will never speak of,
but thinks of,
every single night.

behind his eyes,
are memories too painful,
to speak of,
to anyone.

behind his eyes,
is pain,
pain that needs to be taken away,
because he deserves better.

She couldn't see because it's foggy,
Her hair damp and heart all groggy,
She can barely see in in front of her,
All the memories becoming just one blur,
Her vision tainted by the insecurities of tears,
His voice rings clear in her ears,
She knows the town she is in,
But all her chances are wearing thin,
Walking around at midnight,
But it's still too bright,
Her body numb with the pain,
She has nothing to gain,
Her sneakers painted blue to match her heart,
She was doomed from the very start,
She need to find her way,
But the skies are grey,
The rain is heavy against her skin,
Tears meet up and join at her chin,
She can't find home,
She is all alone,
These streets were once familiar,
Once were clearer,
But now everything is gone,
She tore up the maps she'd drawn,
She will never find her way home again,
And only she is to blame,
Because she got lost,
She risked everything for the cost,
Because now she will always and forever be,
lost.

i'm scared to get close,
i hate being alone. I long
for that feeling, to not
feel at all. the higher
i get, the lower i'll sink.
I can't drown my demons,
they know how to swim.






**I do not own this

me & you,
in my bed,
on a Sunday,
our bodies warm,
we lay next to each other,
staring into your eyes,
our hands in-twined,
our bodies underneath the sheets,
we laugh and smile and give our all,
show each other our truth's,
tell each other our pasts,
i listen to the melodies your voice creates,
i just want to be,
to feel,
close to you.

you do not know how angry i am at the moment,
maybe i don't look angry,
or sound angry,
but i am,
i'm am furious.

why?
you ask
what happened?
you plead
did someone do something to you?
yes
i answer.

who?
you
what?
yep
what?
lies
why?
it's too complicated for me.

i am not a high maintenance girlfriend,
you didn't have to do much,
honestly,
all you had to do was be there,
and be honest,
oh,
and not ignore me when i find out the truth,
we could have just talked it through.

let's start this:
it's not you,
it's me,
wait,
nope,
it's defiantly you,
i didn't do anything wrong.

you do not know how angry i am at the moment,
maybe i don't look angry,
or sound angry,
but i am,
i'm am furious.

why?
you ask
what happened?
you plead
did someone do something to you?
yes
i answer.

who?
you
what?
yep
what?
lies
why?
it's too complicated for me.

i am not a high maintenance girlfriend,
you didn't have to do much,
honestly,
all you had to do was be there,
and be honest,
oh,
and not ignore me when i find out the truth,
we could have just talked it through.

let's start this:
it's not you,
it's me,
wait,
nope,
it's defiantly you,
i didn't do anything wrong.

anyway,
i'm over your ****,
i'm done with you,
honestly,
yeah i still like you,
but your not worth my time

Without him, i am DEAD.
He makes me feel ALIVE.
Makes my life brighter and more VIVID.
It was never my INTENTION.
But is drug is DEADLY.

If i tell him the TRUTH.
Will he RUNAWAY?
Will he leave me for HER.
Our friendship will be RUINED.
If i tell him the TRUTH.

I have seen the way you have been looking at me,
with desire and craze.

The way you have stood way too close for comfort,
your keep looking at me, quit it.

I noticed when we first met,
how you kept looking at me differently.

I know you like me,
it is soo ******* obvious.

I know you like me,
but i don't like you.

You know who i like,
and you use him against me.

Tell me a ******* lie,
please do, just to waste my ******* time.

Tell me a ******* lie,
and manipulate me to believe you.

Tell me a ******* lie,
about him.

Make him the bad guy,
make him say i'm the ****.

That i am the desperate one,
not you, the dead-beat one.

Tell me a ******* lie,
and expect me to be happy when i find out the truth.

You lied to me,
to get closer to me.

Lucky, i didn't trust you,
i'm not that ******* easy.

"He called you a ****,"
***** please.

You swore on your life you weren't lying,
well guess you just dead to me now.

Because you swore,
you swore on your ******* life.

Hope you have a nice life,
filled with lies and regrets.

Because you don't deserve me,
and i don't deserve to be treated this way.

Good-bye,
your ******* dead to me.

maybe i could just,
walk away,
leave,
pack up,
and,
go.

maybe it would be easier,
for you,
if i wasn't here,
and for me,
if i didn't have to see you,
happy everyday.

maybe i could just,
disappear,
vanish like i was never here,
go away,
and leave you be,
because you never truly loved me.

it's hard for me sometimes,
getting out of bed,
just to be dragged back into the dark.
thoughts,
thoughts,
blank spaces.

it's hard for me sometimes,
telling you what's really wrong,
when i don't know myself.
please don't get mad at me,
i'm trying,
but the dark is soo comforting.

it's hard for me sometimes,
because i don't want it to be about me,
but i make it about me.
i'm sorry,
i'm sorry,
please forgive me.

it's hard for me sometimes,
when i can't be there for you,
i feel you growing more distant.
i'm sorry,
it's my fault,
i deserve this.

it's hard for me sometimes,
to not think of the bad, inviting thoughts,
to keep them at bay with your words.
that's why i need your reassurance,
your love,
your words even though you have told me a million times.

it's hard for me sometimes,
when you push me away,
i'm not used to that.
i love you,
i want you,
but priorities, right?

please don't forget me!
i swear i'm doing you a favor,
you'll thank me later.

tears streak her cheeks,
her dress tight across her body,
her feet sore from walking all night,
her hands shaking with numbness,
her hair whipping her face,
tears streak her cheeks,
this is it,
she can't go on anymore,
this emptiness is killing her,
slowly but the pain is becoming unbearable,
the water look so beautiful,
her body swaying in the wind above the water,
she has been drowning for a lifetime,
and now she can end it all,
with a simple,
little jump,
now she drown away all the demons,
the voices.

because of you,
your lies,
you left me,
do you know how that made me feel?

no!
i guess not.

maybe you did love me,
i loved you,
but then you left,
i am sorry i wasn't enough

i don't get it,
every time i you,
i just want to smile,
i try not to stare,
because it's rude,
but i just want to look at you.

i don't want things to change,
our friendship,
it almost did at one stage,
i'm sorry for that,
from now on i will only give off the vibe i want to be friends,
i will tell you and everyone else i just want to be your friend,

even if it kills me inside when we're not talking,
when i see you with another girl,
having fun,
it kills me to know that you don't like me that way,
and there's nothing i can do,
but i like you anyway.

so now i guess,
is the time to tell you i like you,
more than a friend,
but it doesn't matter anyway,
because you still prefer her,
over me any day.

we danced
till
we
couldn't
feel
out
feet.

we laughed
at
our
reflections
in
those
silly
mirrors.

we fall
for
every
trick
and
every
illusion.

we found
something
that
you
won't
talk about.

but i
remember
it
all.

your
fiery
eyes.

my
contagious
smile.

your
beautiful
laugh.

my
fresh
skin

against
yours.

i
remember
how
there
was
glitter
in
our
hair.

and
how
we
didn't
care.

how
we
let
go
of
­reality.

and
it
was
only
you
and
me.

He gave her a choice,
take his hand and go,
she wanted to listen to his voice,
but she also wanted to stay though,

She hated it here,
nights spent alone in a crowd,
mixed with sweat and beer,
suddenly it became too loud,

She needed to get out,
leave this place,
but she was anxious with soo much doubt,
she dreamt too much of what it would be like in outer space,

He was there for her,
more than she deserved really,
and she life was going by in a blur,
she wanted to be okay freely,

She was always sad,
feeling like baggage and not good enough,
always feeling mad,
but she's gotta stay tough,

She wants to feel alive,
and not have to worry about it all,
she wants to turn up the music and go for a drive,
and dance in the dark to the rhythm of the rainfall.

she was here a moment ago,
i messaged her,
she replied,
she was happy,
i thought,
i saw her yesterday,
she was fine,
on the outside,
i guess she wasn't,
she is gone now,
no where to be seen,
i tried ringing her,
but it went straight to her voicemail,
'sorry i couldn't get to the ph-'
i hang up every time,
she is gone,
and i could have made her stay,
i can't find her,
and i have been looking for ages,
everywhere,
the parks,
the shops,
school,
my place,
her house,
she is no where,
i can't find her,
she is gone forever.