his hands on my thighs,
his fingers tangled in my hair,
his lips on my bare chest,
his eyes on mine,

his body hot on top of mine,
his voice husky and jagged,
his teeth biting my neck,
his tongue pushing against mine,

his promises heat my skin,
his finger prints making me want more,
his words give me more,
his thrusts make me believe.

i gotta do this,
but i don't know how to.
it's all new,
but really it's just the same sh*t.
i'm gonna start,
i have to do this.






I am sorry,
for everything.

I could have done you better,
could have been better to you.

Gave you everything you needed,
said i love you a little more.

I am sorry,
for not being there most of the time.

For trying to fight my battles,
while fighting with you.

The darkness,
you never believed me.

Never tried to support me,
just shrugged and said 'oh well, **** happens.'

My attacks became more frequent,
and you didn't care.

You always yelled at me for not calling you back,
for not texting you good night.

Most of the time i didn't reply,
was because i was scared.

Upset,
and emotional.

My body began to shake,
my mind over-*******-thinking it.

You never cared about me that way,
never asked me if i was 'okay'.

I am sorry,
i had my own things going on.

I am sorry i didn't tell you,
but how could i?

Anyway,
it doesn't matter anymore.

You left out of anger,
you left me alone.

And i guess i had to let you go,
i needed to.

But in the end,
i am sorry for not giving you enough.

I am sorry,
i didn't call back.

I am sorry,
i loved- love you.

but he makes my heart race,

i don't love him,

But he knows what to say,

i don't love him,

and he knows me well enough,

i don't love him,

and he doesn't lie to me,

i n't love him,

but i need him,

and i need his touch,

but i know i will never have it,

never,

because he is that sort of guy,

he will never love me,

the way i need,

or want,

but i don't love him,

yet i want him soo bad,

but this isn't love,

i know what love is,

this isn't love.

i can't sleep,
not after everything,
i roll over and check the time,
12:57am,
not even 2 hours,
it's gonna be a long night,
i roll over,
and toss and turn,
trying to get back to sleep then i hear it,
the tap,
i wait,
maybe it was just something outside,
nope there it goes again,
tap,

tap,

tap,
i roll over,
he is out there,
i know he is,
s much as i want him back,
i can't,
i can't do it anymore,
i almost go to the window,
but then i don't.

I have been thinking lately,
About you
And
Me.

About what would happen
If I let us
Happen.

If I let you into my world,
And show you things
That I keep
Secret.

Maybe it’s stupid,
You and
Me.

Maybe I am over-reacting when I say,
That I can’t be near you anymore,
Because it’s hurts me too
Much.

But one thing I know for sure is
Without you,
I am lost.

And without your eyes to keep me sane,
I am just another insane teenage
Girl who looks desperate,
Who needs someone,
To love her
Back.

I have been thinking lately,
How I was going to say
This to you when
I got the
Chance.

I love you and I will admit that
But I can’t love you anymore
Because I don’t want to
Love you at all
I didn’t want
To fall in
Love.

I loved spending time with you,
but it started to get harder,
i was over-thinking,
how much
i loved
you.

I started to get really nervous around you,
i loved holding your hand,
holding you in my arms,
kissing you.

I couldn't handle it,
all this love.

i was afraid i would messed us up,
that i would loose you,
and i was scared.

i am sorry.

i talk about her,
because it hurts to look at you,
and know how much i love you.

I know how much you hurt.

i am sorry.

and every time i am with her,
i think about you,
i can't help it.

i wish it was you.

and i am sorry i was scared.

i didn't want to **** anything up.

but i guess i have already done that.

i have lost you.

and i want you.

need you.

and you were enough.

your all i need.

i am soo ******* sorry.

and i know that you won't want me back.

i have lost you,
and you have given up.

i am scared,
i want to be his friend,
only his friend,
but i think i am starting to feel something more,
****!

i don't want things to change,
so you aren't going to know this poem exists,
you're not going to read it,
but then i know you,
you will read it.

i am sorry,
i swear i just wanted tone your friend,
and it's not often i fall for someone,
and i am sorry it had to be you,
i am sorry am falling in love.

i don't want to lose you,
i want us to be okay,
i am sorry,
i am falling in love,
but i am only falling.

his hands on my body,
his lips on my neck,
his eyes watching me,
i love him soo much,
i want more,
more of his body,
his taste,
his love,
i want all of him,
all of him,
i am ready,
i want this,
i need this.

Its soo ******* hard to say,
Soo ******* hard to think about it.

But I can’t help but think about it.

I have too.

But it makes me sick.

The details, my stomach does flips.

I need to do this, I have to do this.

If I don’t, I will looose everything.

My mouth is dry from overthinking her smile.

My face are wet from remembering her laugh.

My hands are sweaty from remembering her touch.

I need to do this, I got to.

My lungs feel like they are going to burst.

I think my heart is missing beats.

That’s not normal.

Breathe.

In
And
Out.

In
And
Out.


Its soo ******* hard to say,
Soo ******* hard to think about it.

But I can’t help but think about it.

I
have too.

Because I love her.

how could you want me?
when you can have her.

why would you want me?
when she is there.

what's soo special about me?
she is better than me.

why me?
i am
ugly,
fat,
bad,
moody,
have problems,

i am
broken.

she is way better than me,
she is
pretty,
beautiful,
skinny,
blonde,
has a nice face
sweeter,
nicer,

she is
perfect.

she is what you need,
not me.

with me,
you have to deal with a broken girl,

with me,
you have to put up with a weird, clumsy, non funny girl,

with me,
you wouldn't have fun or call me pretty,

with her,
you would have fun,

call her pretty,
enjoy every moment spent,
making her smile,

with her,
you don't have some broken girl,

in need of something she know she can't have,

with her,
you would be happier,

so you can choose her,
it's okay,

i may be heartbroken,
but what's new?

you can choose her,
because i know,

that's really what you want.

I'm gonna pick up the pieces
And build a Lego house
If things go wrong we can knock it down
My three words have two meanings
There's one thing on my mind
It's all for you

And it's dark in a cold December
But I've got you to keep me warm
And if you're broken I'll mend you
And keep you sheltered from the storm that's raging on now

I'm out of touch, I'm out of love
I'll pick you up when you're getting down
And out of all these things I've done
I think I love you better now
I'm out of sight, I'm out of mind
I'll do it all for you in time
And out of all these things I've done
I think I love you better now

I'm gonna paint you by numbers
And colour you in
If things go right we can frame it and put you on a wall
And it's so hard to say it but I've been here before
Now I'll surrender up my heart
And swap it for yours

Don't hold me down
I think my braces are breaking and it's more than I can take


**i don't own this

And to think about it,
she will always be,
his number three,

Behind closed doors,
she cries at night,
under the blanket without any light,

He will never know,
just how much she loves him,
she is drowning and does't know how to swim,

Behind closed doors,
she gives the pain away,
because she knows he won't stay,

He'll never love her,
how could he?
when he just wants to be free,

Behind closed doors,
she wishes on an impossible star,
but it will never come true because it's always too bizarre,

He won't see it,
they way she craves him all night,
and now i don't know what to write,

I guess this is it,
i love you and here the proof,
my amazing silly goof.

and order some popcorn,
with some pepsi.

let's go to the movies,
and sit on the middle of somewhere at the back.

let's go to the movies,
and throw popcorn at each other and pretend to be mad.

let's go to the movies,
and hold hands.

let's go to the movies,
and whispers cheesy pick up lines to each other in the dark.

let's go to the movies,
and see what happens.

I thought what we had was gold,
was okay because you told me you loved me,
and i believed you.

I had the feels,
when you came home late at night,
with the same excuses.

You had a business trip to Tennessee,
you sent me pictures of the hotel rooms view,
you told me again you loved me and missed me.

Your intention was to keep it a secret,
i started to realise things didn't fit,
your lies didn't fit together.

Now we lay next to each other at night,
you don't say it anymore,
i don't care anymore.

I should have hang up the phone,
and let us continue being friends,
but you used your snake charms on me.

I thought what we had was gold,
was okay because you told me you loved me,
ad i believed you.

where
are
you?

your
touch.

your
warmth.

your
smile.

your
voice.

where
are
you?

your
being?

your
truth.

your
lies.

your
eyes.

where
are
you?

near
a
place
too
far
from
home.

maybe this will be it,
when i finally have the guts to do it,
to admit to myself,
that this is what i really want,
what i really need,
maybe this will solve it all,
solve the rumours,
solve the drama's,
solve the lies,
maybe it would make some people happy,
to see a girl like me,
gone,
to know that,
she doesn't exist anymore,
so they can finally say,
thank **** for that,
maybe it's the right thing to do,
i'm sick of seeing the scars and the blood,
because really,
what does it all come down to?
whether or not i can do it,
because maybe this time,
i will,
because i am sick of the stares,
the rumours,
the lies,
and their liars,
i'm sick of the fake people,
because what did i do,
to deserve this,
nothing,
just another girl,
trying to make her mark of the world,
trying to be normal,
fit in,
be happy even,
just another girl,
that no one cares about,
because i don't show my scars,
because i don't make them visible,
because i don't talk about death,
and the craving it has on me,
and the dark nights spent alone,
wondering if someone actually gives a **** about me,
maybe,
just maybe,
i was wrong for once,
no one cares about me,
no one will,
how can they,
when i don't even care myself,
maybe this is it,
finally,
my last goodbye,
and i wrote it to you,
because maybe,
you care,
but i could be wrong.

so, i trust to easily;
story of my life.

and because of that,
people go and break me.

but i'm not fragile,
i'm quite the opposite.

i have built my walls,
higher than you think.

and i don't love easily too,
but i wear my heart out on my sleeve.

because i care,
care was too much about others.

more than i care about myself,
really.

but i have been in love,
with someone who loved me more than the moon.

i let him in,
he let me in.

for 9 months,
i was happy.

then it ended,
too bad.

that confirmed it for me,
make that wall thicker.

higher,
no one can break it.

and that made me stand out a bit,
because i was strong.

i am smart,
but not a genius.

and i know what i am doing most of this,
so don't wast my time.

then i met another guy,
almost a year after the other guy.

my first love,
done and gone in 9 months.

and i am still recovering,
i still love him, i'll give ya that.

now,
the new guy.

well,
i guess i can't say it's love just yet.

how can it be?
only 1 month.

and then there is a problem with a friend of mine,
he likes me too.

something about me,
how can someone love me, like me, when i don't love myself.

how?
i don't get it.

i see myself as someone who is willing to help others,
care for them.

and i don't see what they see,
pretty, skinny, beautiful.

i see someone who can be a *****,
someone who is ugly, fat and gross.

but oh well,
**** happens.

anyway,
i am 16.

and i am tall,
which i hate.

i have strawberry blonde hair,
that i wish to dye.

and my eyes are the colour of a forrest,
a dying forrest.

my skin in pimply most of the time,
and i wear make up.

i dress to fit in,
not for comfort.

the pain i put myself through,
just to make people think i am happy.
me,
i am just me.

and i think,
that i am not good enough.

for anyone,
no one.

if i am not happy with myself,
I can i expect someone else to be.

i asked him if i was ugly,
he nodded and almost laughed.

no,
he said.

definitely not,
Summer.

definitely not,
echo's through my head.

me,
worthless,
stupid me,

myself,
no one cares,
why should they,
i don't,

I,
can't do it anymore,
it's getting too cold,

me,
silly,
dumb me,

myself,
i hate myself,
and so do you,
i know it,

I,
am over it,
the voices in my mind

my reflection,
stares back at me,
with all my insecurities,
flying around
behind me.

my reflection,
unmoving,
still and lifeless,
makes me
conscience.

my reflection,
at age 5,
was happy and enthusiastic,
dressed in bright colours
and loved to smile.

my reflection,
at age 9,
was insecure and semi,
unhappy
with the changes going on.

my reflection,
at age 12,
was unhappy and hated life,
hated herself
because of how fat she was.

my reflection,
at age 15,
became a little happier,
but only a little
because she was still fat.

my reflection,
at age 16,
kind of accepts herself,
only kind of
because she will always be fat.

my reflection,
at age 16,
isn't perfect,
not for society
and not for anyone.

my reflection,
at age 16,
will never be enough,
for you,
or for anyone.

The
worst
feeling
in the
world
is

loving

someone

who

will

never

love

me

back.

i
don't
need
you
to
constantly
make
me
feel
bad
sad
and
alone,

i­
already
do
that
to
myself.

"shut your mouth, you fat *****!"
oh alright. i wasn't talking but sorry for displeasing you.

"you're soo ******* annoying, you should go die!"
i already know that, but thanks for the reminder.

" your face annoys me, go somewhere you belong"
...

oh sorry,
you get to treat me like this and tell me *"it's nothing personal, darling"
it is personal,
because you only treat me like this.
it is personal,
because you remind me every single day of my ******* miserable life.

so **** this,
i'm over your ****.
you can think whatever the ******* want,
i don't give a **** anymore.
it's time i do me, and not what you want.

*********!

When you leave, don't look back at me,
please!...

When we have our last kiss, don't tell me this,


When you say goodbye, don't be shy,


When you walk away, i won't beg you to stay,
not this time...

When you tell me you never loved me, don't look at me,


When you find The One,  love her right and don't run,
she doesn't need you to do what you did to me...

When you go, please walk away slow,
**let what we had linger a little longer...