I forgot and cared again for a moment
I got hurt
That's why I just don't care
Why would I when the results are always the same
Me sitting alone left to drown in my solitude
****** I'm done

He had a heart attack.  I gave him cpr. When I rolled him over to clear his airways, beacuse he puked in my mouth, I therw my back out. The ambulance took 45 min to get there. He died in my arms. I watched his deep purple face take his last ragged breath. I lost my everything in a matter of moments. My best friend, my confidant, my roommate, the best father to my children anyone could ever ask for, my rock; just gone! He's gone and I can't ever hug him again. I can't tell him I love him any more n hear him say ,"I love you more." I can never again respond "nope". no more family trips, no more weird conversations in the middle of the night or  early in the mornings. He's ******* gone! I cant sleep, it all replays in my mind as im watching him die over and over agan seeing his lifeless eyes and swollen tongue, and the color purple, I used to love purple but now it will forever haunt my waking and sleeping dreams; and im so not ok!

I'm not in a ******* good place! What is wrong with me? Why do I chase the red flags like they hold the vile of life? Why am I attracted to the ones that hurt me even when that isn't their intentions? Why am I so ******* stupid?  Why do I keep trying? Why can't the higher power just take me already? Why do I always have to suffer? Why must there always be so much pain inside me? Can't I just be happy? Can't I just find my peace? I promised me I would stop running; but **** that's all I want to do! I want to run halfway into the trees and stop, just stop,  stop every single thing, stop moving, stop hurting, stop crying, stop  breathing, stop living, stop existing, just ******* stop all of it! Why to I have to keep trying and keep going and keep my head up? Why can't I just ******* stop?

I woke this morning with tears in my eyes.
I couldn't begin to tell you why.
my bed is empty my pillow is the best.
it out comphorts all the rest.
my chin is held high
but still I continue to cry
with no reason or rhyme as to why.

The more growing that happens the more mature my love becomes.  Your love. I need to be a protector,  a protector for the love that you manifest into being. That which we are.
Time and the Ego are my only distractions. To say otherwise would be a "waste of time"  I miss You.
All of our moments together seem like dreams, dreams that come together and make a love story. One that is bright and true. Weird right? Good weird. The best. I'm grateful for our experiences together!

Ok so this my seem a bit obtrusive;
And I'm not being conclusive.
But I felt it since we first met.
Something I can't quite name yet,
This electrical magnetic force.
Should I let it take its course?
You bearly brushed against me,
I had to look just to see;
Was that a current that I felt?
From a simple touch, I thought I'd melt!
I wonder if you feel it as I do?
Should I take a chance on you?
Or place my hopes beneath the dirt,
Burry them so no one gets hurt?
For now though I'll just wait to see,
If you too have feelings for me.

I saw forever in your eyes.
Then you closed them tight.
You didn't even say any goodbyes.
And that just wasn't right.
Now again I lye here lost and alone.
No strength to get on with my day.
An emptiness felt but unshown.
I never thought it would end this way.

I'm done completely not just for this minute
I've reached my emotional limit
I've been played far too long
You could have told me long ago I was wrong
Could have saved me a lot of pain
Wish I knew I had nothing to gain
Saw it coming but not so soon
Now I get to be here bawling like a loon
Not sure if it hurts more in my head or my heart
Never wished for us to ever b apart
But here I sit on this cold bathroom floor
Can't stop the tears as I block the door
Now I'm going to let this all sink in awhile
So I can keep my promise to show you only my smile.

HEY YOU!
I see faces in the dark!
There eyes glowing red.
An emence evil mark.
My heart has gone dead.
The numbness in my spine.
A chill in the air.
You soul has become mine.
Face it, life's not fair!
A once crossed path.
Head to head with my demons wrath.
Cry and beg for your life to turn around.
I can't hear your pitiful pleas, there is nothing, no sound.
Standing above you now hovering tall.
Turning around to detach your head,
Blood splats covering the once white walls.
.
.
.
Forget forgiveness!
.
.
.
You are already dead!
.
.
.
And I,
.
.
.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
.
.
.
I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE.

Depression eats my soul like a snail eats algae,
slowly consuming and withering it away with time.
I want to crawl into a hole and burry myself in it.
I don't want to talk to anyone for fear my depression will be as a virus and infect those I love.
So i hide myself away in my room all alone.
A fate I fear that will always be the end result in my life.
To always be lost and forever alone.

Tired of the ignorance tired of the crap tired of the *******
it all makes me throw a fit.
Try n b the best u can n do for your friends
but **** it, why when everything ends .
Why put effort forth for anything when it isn't gunna go anywhere to begin with
true love n all that jazz is just a myth
so buck up baby n **** the rest
this is your life you only need to pass your own test

You keep trying to drag me into your depression
But you can't not even with all your repression
I've learned in life to hold my head high
N to those whom hurt you just say goodbye
My children deserve more than being tought to lie to me
N I find everything out you see
The lies n drugs n manipulation just arent my thing
Because with them my heart can't sing
So don't drag me into you web of *******
And you tried to so I had to quit
So I'm sorry I can hang with u no more
So as I leave you crying on the floor
Remember you did this to you
So take your own blame its the right thing to do

The word family has much more meaning than just marriage n blood relations . I have some blood relations I don't even consider my family because they don't act like family. I have people that have zero blood in common with me n I call them family. Family are those whom love you unconditionally. Those who will always b there to help even if they don't like y. Family are those who not only tell you they love you but those whom show it as well.

I don't even understand why I tried to be with you
I should have realized trying for what I want it would only make me blue
I guess I learned that when you try to go for someone that is much more
you're just going to splat face first on the floor
doubt I'll ever learn how to give up though
because when I see something I want I go go go
this time I am going to leave it alone
I guess I'm afraid of the unknown
I just want to protect my heart
and all of those who have a part
if you're reading this and think that it's about you
think again cuz that's probably not true

I'm sick
I'm sick and I'm dieing
Im all done with the crying
I just want to go home to my God above
Where I can know that unconditional love
No more fighting to survive
No more caring if I'm alive
To b where I know I won't feel such pain
To go where it's all gain
So stop feeling this agony inside
To hold only pride
Thees tears finally dried
Only truths if I had just died

The loneliness is too much
The empty arms where overwhelming
The loss of her true love was too devastating
She didn't know how to cope
It hurt too **** much
But you couldn't see it
You where too blind
So you left her alone to suffer
Wishing you wanted her as much as she needed you
She sat alone with teas filled her eyes
You left her alone because you where too afraid to show her that you loved her just as much
You where too afraid to reach out and hold her close
You where to afraid to return the emotions she had no reservations lavishing upon you
You where too afraid to open your heart to the love she offered
So you lost her
You lost her because you let your fear rule
Too bad you couldn't show her how you truly felt
Too bad you constantly left her alone with her overthinking mind
Too bad you where alone with your fears.
Too bad she climbed the ladder while you stood there too afraid to move
Too bad you couldn't see how much she valued you above everyone else
Too bad you never lifted her up and helped her climb
In the long run you taught her that she doesn't need anyone
In the long run she learned that she can do it on her own
In the long run she taught you that her love will drag your dead weight with her as she climbs
Too bad you where unwilling to accept her pure love
In the end she showed you that despite your bullheadedness she will keep on keeping on and make it to the top where she belongs.
Despite your cowardice she won't stop until she reaches her goals
She is strong she is brave she is determined
she is looking at the future
she is unstoppable
You may have weighed her down and held her back but she will never give up
She is a fighter
She loves you so much
your dead weight only proves to make her stronger
She will make it with or without you sbut chooses to drag your sorry *** along with her to the top
She is that kind of girl.
You either accept it or let go
She won't hold on forever
Once she is gone you'll regret not lifting her up like she deserved
You know this to be truth
Yet you choose to look the other way and keep her in sadness
You choose to let her struggle instead of reaching out a helping hand
You choose to look at her tears and ignore them
You choose to block her out every chance you can
You'll learn
You'll see
You'll regret
But then it will be too late
She'll have moved on an risen higher than you could ever reach

My advice, look, see, listen ,help, share, communicate, lift, care, trust, cuddle, support, love and above all lift her higher than you ever have ever lifted anyone like she does you
You know she deserves it
You know she will make it without you if you Don't. She loves you and it will take the titanic to brake that kind of motivation. YOU KNOW IT TO BE TRUE.

"While he treats all women with respect, his woman gets special treatment. Why? Because she’s special and he needs her to understand that she is. That is the purpose he sees himself as serving: making her feel like the amazing, beautiful, incredible human being that she is."
___________________­____________________­__
"While she treats all men with respect, her man gets special treatment. Why? Because he’s special and she needs him to understand that he is. That is the purpose she sees herself as serving: making him feel like the amazing, handsome, incredible human being that he is."

When your best friend thinks that its okay to lie
does that mean I can jump off the roof and then I can fly
how absurd to think that I wouldn't know the truth of it all
how absurd to think that I would not fall
I don't understand lies over dumb ****
not like I'd have thrown a fit
I don't care what it is that you sexually do
it has nothing to do with me its all you
I'm not the kind of person that would want to see you alone
and lying is something I just don't condone
you hide behind fears that I won't be your friend
but don't you realize no matter what you do I'm there till the end
my heart hurts and now and its kind of your fault
though I still really love you by default
I just wish that you could understand
losing you as a friend is something not planned
so if you'd please stop with all your ******* tales
so my heart can stop its incessant whales
with you by my side as a friend should be
with you standing right here next to me
and know that I love you no matter what you do
you're my best friend I just want you to be you

Time has torn us in different directions but when its right the wind will blow us back together and then well be the glue that will hold us together for all eternity we just have to grow first!

Sitting  alone on the darkest of the nights
No stars are seen to make it bright
You feel a presence behind your back
Turn around but see no track
Standing up you start to pace
A cold wind blows across your face
Walking back and forth you fall
Come to find out your alone after all

For as much as I need too accept that you will never love me; so too do you need to accept that I will never stop loving you.

Look into my eyes
You shall see truth
Look into my mind
You shall see reality
Look into my heart
See what you shall
I look into your eyes
I see pain
I look into your mind
I see confusion
I look into your heart
I see a hole
Let me ease your pain
Let me help when u need it
Let fill your heart
My eyes
My truth
My mind
My reality
I give them to you
My heart
Ahh yes
My heart
Well
You can have that too

what do you want me to say, what do you want me to do to prove to you that I'm sorry. I never ment to hurt you. it was the farthest thing from my mind, but I did, and I hate my self so much. I don't wish myself death. I want to wreathe in my hurt knowing I can't fix this **** up and your suffering for it. I want to peal all my flesh away and show you how much it hurts me for having been the source of all this anguish. I don't know how to deal with any of this.

Cut
Perfect little crimson pearl
Cut
Perfect pretty crimson stream
Cut
Perfect calming crimson trail
Cut
Perfect end to a not so perfect life

You always here about how it takes a strong man to love a broken woman; but how about that strong woman loving that broken man, or when two broken people are strong enough to love each other. I believe the two broken ones will make it further because they can empathize what the other is going through and learn how to help heal each other together.

Shoved deeper into this dark demented hole
So alone there's no one here to care or console
So I cut n I bleed n I hurt n I cry
I hate my life I just want to die
No one cares I'm alone and I'm lost
But I can't stop trying at any cost
I don't know what to say or what to write
This endless hole has no light
Only darkness that feeds on pain
Making me feel completely insane
These crimson pearls no longer help
I'm just a sorry sad *** loser welp

I long for the day when I can touch your hand
I yearn for the day when that close we stand
I want to look in your eyes and see your soul
I want you to hold my heart and see what you stole
to sit on the couch and watch some TV show
and not have to talk because we would just know
not that the feelings would ever go unsaid
to finally have this hunger fed
to have between us a .001 space
but we're grown people and know that life is not a race
we both concur completely agree
that will be together when it's meant to be

I haven't gotten out of bed much today.
I'm depressed n don't want to face the world this way.
Lost n confused
mentally abused.
Having to crush my best friends heart
is tearing mine apart.
What else was I supposed to do tho
I just didnt know.
So I did what I had to do
n now I'm nothing other than blue.

It's dark inside so he would never see
what they could truly be
He loved her that much is true but how to show her he never really knew
His venom for his past fueled his rage
He only wanted her when she was locked in his cage
She refused to give up or let it tear her apart
Now he'll never find a more devoted heart
He pushed her away and ***** her smile
Now he's left to his self destructive exile
She took her leave to salvage her life
Tho she'd have loved nothing more than to be his wife
He wont believe she could have been his dream
Now in his head is an endless  yet soundless scream
Why must he destroy all that he loves  most
Why do they all become a memory, a ghost
He knows deep down he is wrong
He should have held on all along
But his demons in side rule his mind
So he is cruel, unable to be kind
He lost the best thing to happen to him
Threw it all away on a stupid drunk whim
She wins in the end of it  after all
Losing someone who's heart is too **** small.
It hurts like hell but she won't shed a tear
Even though her arms ache for him to be near
He has done this to them with no real reason why
Never even had the audacity to explain or try
He foresaw failure before giving it a chance
But that's now all pomp and  circumstance
He wont talk to her nor say goodbye
Maybe one day she'll find her perfect way to fly

You tease and tantalize me with the ****** photos in the dark and leave me wanting more with your wonderfully weaved words wrapping endlessly through my riled mind.

I'm alone. Those Crimson pearls are the only hug I could get. The only release of pain accessible to me. The only comport in my emptiness.

My hatred for this town is growing at an exponential rate. I fear I'm walking on the edge n about to slip off into the deep end just praying I can swim. If I don't find a place and a job in another state soon idk how everyone around me is going to fair but I'm positive they won't like me for my actions and behavior.

I used to dream I woke up , got dressed, went to school, then I'd wake up n do it again, only to wake up and do it again, only to really wake up n not want to do it again. Needless to say I tended to miss the bus alot!

A Gemini is needy
And can be quite greedy
They need to know you care
They need you to be right there
They need to hear those words every day
They need to know you feel what you say
They need to feel your loving touch
They need to know you feel just as much
They need to feel encouragement
They need to know exactly what's meant
They need someone to always be there
So within their life they can share
Are you the one for a Gemini
Are you the one whom can make her fly

A Gemini is needy
They need to know you care
They need you to be right there
They need to hear those words every day
They need to know you feel what you say
They need to feel your loving touch
They need to know you feel just as much
They need to feel encouragement
They need to know exactly what's meant
They need someone to always be there
So within their life they can share
Are you the one for a Gemini
Are you the one whom can make her fly

Things i want to say to you but i hold back.
And the toughts dont give me any slack
One thought one emotion rules till the end
I must forever and always remain your friend
But those demons at the back of my brain
Those are monsters i juat cant train
I ignore them always as best i can
But deep deep down i wish you could be my man
I know your getting married and i wont stand in your way
Just know ill be here for you any and every day

I got no one to talk to and nothing to do
got a life full of sadness a life full of blue
I want to smile and I want to be happy
but my life is ****** just ******* ******
everyone sees my sadness but they don't care
when I need someone no one is there
alone in this world I shall always be
I just wish someone could love me for me
but that's a fairytale I know won't come true
so I'll just sit here alone thinking of you

I want to write a poem to explain how I feel
But I've so many already its unreal
You broke my heart, nothing new
Why did I let myself fall for you
You didn't seam care when I said I was done
I was really hoping that you where the one
Again I was wrong n let my heart get away
Maybe I'll learn not to one day

He got ****** she did shrooms the last time he dumped her.  That she took a road trip to see her son n how many stops she made on the way to see people who know how to be unconditional without involving *** n trivial nonsence... he was full of childish and dumb ****. He forses his imagination and pessimism to become reality by manifesting it in his actions until his self proclaimed predoomed assumption of failure becomes his self made truth. She doesn't understand why he chooses to live life in self pitty, jealousy, and rage. He doesn't see the diamond before  him for what she is worth; he just tosses her away as tho she was nothing more than a sand stone. She has no choice but to stand tall and move forward.  The walls around her heart get taller and thicker. She is done. She knows now that she is the only person she has in this world and no way in hell is she gunna give up on her. She is a godess with an immense heart n she's strong as they come. She's got this, she's got her, she doesn't need anyone else.

I
    am
                                  a
puzzle
                                                     piece
                  hammered
         into
                                                    a
              place
                                                           where
                              I
                                             don't
belong
                                                                  I
am
                               stuck
           where
I
                                                   am
               immovable
                                                        Longing
      to
                                                 find
                                   where
    I
                  perfectly
fit
                                           knowing
         am
                                           warped
           and
if
                                                                  I
                              find
      the
                                                   place
             where
I
                                                          once
     belonged
                                                and
try
                      to    
                                                          fit
                                            I
                will
                                              destroy
     it
                        Forever

I'm sorry I feel things.
I'm not inhuman.
I'm just a broken ****** up one.