2 melitonin
2 flexeril
2 Tylenol pm
2 Benadryl
If I can't sleep now I need to be  committed

talking to you and pleasing you its almost like a dream
but in pictures things aren't always as they seem
you can write what you want and read what I do
but I'm not the kind of girl that thinks dreams come true
fairytales are in movies stories and books
I'm also not the kind of girl that worries about her looks
I have what I have and I am Who I am
I know I'm good looking so maybe I don't give a ****
I'd love to keep talking and seeing your smile
tho I haven't gotten any pics in quite a while
I really think I'm more interested in somebody who likes my mind
yeah of the kind of girls I'm that kind

I don't think you get it I don't think you know
How these feelings inside of me go
I'll give you my all n chance my heart to be broken
But your feelings must also be spoken
But you don't n you keep them all locked away
I wish you would just speak what it is you have to say

All life is, is one choice after another. it's the choices that we make that put us where we are. nobody else has any effect on that .it's all ourselves doing everything that we do to ourselves. if we're in pain because we put ourselves there. you just have to consciously think about what you're doing before you do it; and how it would affect yourself and others, because ... Karma... and eventually after you consciously start making better choices for yourself and others, better things will start happening to you.

Slowly rotting
Slowly dieing
The signs are there
No one looks
No one cares
I reach out
Get pushed away
Hold my mask
I'll die one day
No tears will be shed
No sorrow to be found
When I'm finally
6 feet under ground

I slept most the day missing you
I cried cuz I didn't know what else to do
Love hurts n I wanted no part
But you came along and stole my heart
I feel like the feeling r not returned
And another time I shall be burned
But I put my heart on my sleeve for all to see
And it seams no one cares what's going on with me
If I never messaged anyone would I still get to converse
I don't think so I'm alone in the universe
I love too hard n give too much
But I'm just something no one wants to touch
I told you I loved you and held open that door
But you couldn't return it so I was left on the floor
Why can't I feel love like normal n start to fly
Why do none give me that high
For now I am going back to sleep
I guess my love is mine alone to keep

The depression has ahold of me today. Most it's ever lasted was a week n I don't think it's that bad this time I just feel ..... Blah.... Alone.... Taken for granted.... Idk... Emotional.... Contradictory; I wanna be left alone but I don't want to be alone. I wanna scream but don't want to talk. I feel betrayed with no evidence to say I was. I don't know, I think I feel too much too much ya know!

I chose you
I had a few choices
But I chose you
I could have chose one of the others
But I chose you
I didn't need you
I wanted you
You hurt me
You have taken me for granted
I've been broken enough
I don't put up with it
I should be treated as a priceless artifact
Not avoided and overlooked
If I'm not what you want then tell me
That way we can both move on
Don't play games
My heart doesn't deserve that
I put my all into us
You decided I wasn't worth yours
I fell back into my old pain relieving habit
But those crimson pearls ease my pain.

I used to say that I was blessed in life but not love
thought I'd never get to let my heart flutter like a dove
free to fly and go where I please.
not begging and pleading upon my knees
thought those only feelings I could wish to be
I used to think those weren't meant for me
and then along you came  walking into my life
making that one less pain and one less strife
I'm not trying to be anyting for you
I'm not making myself into someone new
I just do as I do and be who I am
and if no one likes it I don't give a ****
Ironically who I am and you are who you are
we seem to be completely at par
i feel that flutter of that dove
I am lucky in life But unlucky in love
words seem unfit now to be said
things seem right in my heart and my head
I am lucky in love and I am lucky in life
I'm completely at ease I feel nothing no rife
I finally feel relaxed I finally feel whole
as finally with happy tunes I can fill this scroll

I just want to die
I feel like the world would be better without  me
I feel like I wouldn't even b missed
I feel like I'm useless
I feel like I've no purpose
I feel like I'm not needed
So y can't I just die
Why can't I just leave this world
Why do I have to sit here in misery

i know you don't love me.
i know you want her back.
i know you beg her to come home.
why do you straggle me along?
why do you pretend to want me?
why do you do things that make me want to love you?
im stuffing my tears.
i want to scream tho I stay silent.
i know we r terminal.
there is nothing I can do.
so i guess i must prepare.
im not gunna fall this time.
I'm ready. .
I've seen it comming.

I enter a relationship giving my all and i fail every time
each ending I write an emotional cleansing rhyme
but the blow to the chest keeps getting  less and less
because i know im ok and my lifes not such a mess
it's not that i need anyone cuz I got all my **** covered
but with each relationship something new is discovered
i learn more about myself and who I am
so i can take that hit and still stand after the slam
i just wonder if ill continue to always care
or if my heart will even be there.
I do know that I will always continue to be me
So I guess ill just have to wait n see

So I've been sick for the past 5 days and I was contagious so I sent my kids to my mother so that way they didn't get sick as well and I had a sort of epiphany. The Awakening that happens within each of us is different within each of us because each of our stories are different. Maybe we don't all go through the same hardships maybe we don't have the same views. But we are all human and we do have path destined for each of us to take on our own. People will come and go in our lives and that's the only thing that's constant is that nothing lasts forever. Cherish the things you have and learn from the things you lost, and never forget to be kind because without kindness this harsh world would be horrible for everyone. Do what you can be what you can and love when you can. Each of us has our own path we must take and maybe it's not the path you planned on taking but it's the one you were meant to go on and it's why you are where you are it's why you are who you are Never take for granted the ones that love you or the ones that hate you because each is a lesson and a blessing and even if they do hate you love them because it's not them personally that hate it's just the path that's meant for them.

I am empty. I'm Hollow. you dumped me because it could not have children; so I end up pregnant and have to **** it otherwise I would die. I feel like I took from you what you deserve. no matter what I'm in love you. I need to stay away, but I can't, and I don't know how. I miss you and it hurts. I'm just so ******* empty!

he's **** as hell and ***** like a Norse God.
he's sweet and kind but also hard and blunt
he's fire and ice hes passion and poison
he's patient hes fair hes selfish and cruel
it hurt but its done and i can say I saw it coming
i let it happen cuz he is someone worth keeping
but aparently I'm not in any way shape or form
im just a toy to be used and discarded
or so they think
it hurts and i bleed and i yearn and i need
but ill walk away head held tall
a new lesson learned and a new path to take
i know my direction so here I go I'm on my way!

I am just a phase
A temporary object in people's lives
I am option
No one's priority
If I'm that easily thrown away
why do I even exist

I got in a car accident and my car rolled like 10 times. I only got a scraped knee n a few bruises. People say I'm lucky; I feel like I'd have been lucky if I'd have died. I don't want to exist

Last night I had about 12 different dreams in 12 different ways of killing myself I'm not suicidal this set of Dreams disturbs me am I going to die am I going to **** myself I don't want to I don't know what's going on anymore

When everything You touch seems to go to ****;
STOP TOUCHING ****!

he's **** as hell and ***** like a Norse God.
he's sweet and kind he's hard and blunt
he's fire and ice he's passion and poison
he's patient he's fair he's selfish and cruel
he's a one of a kind an ******* for sure
but he's not mine and i dont want him to be
I'd rather be free to just be me.

I find that I keep running away, but what am I running away from? I hate myself, so maybe I'm trying to run away from myself, but wherever I go, there I am! How am I to get away from what I hate most, when I am what I hate most?

I am allergic to the feels, they make my eyeballs leak

Why do I always feel betrayal by those I choose to love. Why must everyone lie to me. Why can I roll my car the way I did and survive. I want to ******* die. Am I already dead and in hell, is this my hell to keep trying n then fail time after time. Well **** that. I'm done trying. I give up. I'm just going to exist. I'd stop existing  except I fail at that every time I've tried.

Let start this all off real
Let be honest with how we feel
I can sit in a room with you for days
It seams we are connected in so many ways
I don't feel awkward or out of place
I just know I want you always within my space
It seams we fit together even with all our jagged parts
You are after all, my jack of hearts.

When I die I don't want a funeral I don't want a memorial; maybe something for just my parents and my kids. the rest of the people out there in the world, I don't want them there I don't need them there. I realized after my surgery's when I was stuck home not allowed to do anything for months on end the only person that showed up and showed out was Nevaeh and even then I felt like **** for even having to ask her to be there for me because she's a teenager and she should be out doing teenager things not washing her mother's hair helping her get anything out of the cupboards helping her mother bathe basically do everything thing because i wasn't allowed to do anything myself. Did a single one of the people that called me friend come to help? no. My bestest friend of all time, was she there to even look me in the eye once? No. Did any single person that said they'd be there, even show up? No. Not a single one of them would help me in life there's no need for them to mourn me in death.

I've come to the conclusion that once one learns how to love being alone with oneself they realize how much more peaceful **** is without everyone else's ****!

I seriously think that when I was bleeding to death quite literally, and before I had the hysterectomy to fix it. It was God finally giving me the death I've so longed for. However I let the doctors play God and stop me from dieing and now I have to endlessly suffer; surgery after surgery, trapped in my own body, unable to do anything for myself. Wishing I would have listened as he was giving me my one true wish.

When nothing else matters don't cry
when nothing else matters just hold your head high
because nothing else matters and no one can care
you know deep down no one will be there
you find yourself alone with no one to hold
and find yourself alone your tail can't be told
Your thinking that depression that will hold you deep
don't sit in that depression that will make you weep
zombie on and push yourself through
someday you'll find a world that is new

Honestly I ******* hate everything I feel like a useless lump that can't do anything for herself because the doctor say I am not allowed to so I'm a burden I can't even brush my own hair or shower myself or make my own **** bowl of cereal cuz a gallon is too heavy so honestly I can see it that I'm pushing everybody away and staying home alone a lot and doing nothing which isn't healthy for me I know but honestly I would rather push them away and let them have their happy than **** them into my depression