.......
You're just so very bitter
Life happened to you and made you that way
I'm sorry for your sufferings
They shouldn't have been yours
You refuse to love in order to protect yourself from more hurt
You refuse to let anyone in
It wasn't your fault all that you had to endure
But should you make others suffer to protect yourself
Do you want to be alone
I don't think you do
I don't think you know any other way
I feel sorry for you
I love you more than life
You are my mother you gave me life
yet you don't seem to want to be part of it
You're so lonely
you just don't know how to not push people away
A heart cannot love unless you chance it to be broken
A broken heart can't mend unless you let someone hold it
You don't have to be strong
It is okay to cry
It is okay to be human
It is okay to feel things
It is okay to talk to people about all of this
You are loved
You are important
You are my mother
You are bitter
You don't have to be
But even though you are
You are loved
And you are important
You are strong
You can let down your mask
you can let down your Shield
You gave me life
I want to help you smile in yours
I wish I could be more for you then I am
I do not know how to be
You never let anyone in!

one step forward
two steps back
two steps forward
fall on my ***
stand back up
splat face first in the dirt
jump back up big ole grin
keep knocking me down
I'll still win

How many of you can say that sadly you have written another poem? I can. I can say almost every time, that sadly I have written another poem. Most my poems are dark and sad. Obviously I can't write poems about a happy ending that never happened, and I don't believe ever will; but I do wright everytime I'm sad, every time I'm suicidal, every time I have an overwhelming emotional overload! It gets me through. It keeps me alive. Sometimes I still have to cut just to know that I can feel, but most of the time my poetry helps me. My poetry gets me through. My poetry lets me breathe. My poetry is my release from all that garbage in my brain that doesn't need to be there; because I know better, I just can't help it. It happens. I'm human. So thank you to all of you that read my stuff. Thank you for listening. Thank you for being an ear when I really don't have any here. I know my stuff is depressing, I can't help that. Just know that because I wright and because you listen, I am alive, and thank you, thank you all from the deepest depths of my existence, thank you!

I go to sleep alone in my empty bed again. If cuddling kills depression then why don't I have someone to cuddle? Everyone says it's cuz I'm not marriage material; hell my mom even told me that. I don't want to sleep alone anymore! I want to cuddle and I want to **** my depression, but sadly I do not see an end to my misery. I'tll always be just being me at night; and the occasional stray that gets to stay the night because I needed to play, never anything permanent and that darkens my heart. I have my children and my parents and everything I could ever want or need except someone to cuddle. My empty arms never being able to wrap around someone, the same someone every day and night. I feel like an empty shell. "You're so beautiful why are you single?", they say. My response is, "I don't know nobody wants to keep me I guess!". I'm meant just to throw away. The luckiest person on the planet and I believe the price I pay for that luck is lack of love. Two men two men have my heart and neither of them want me except for just a ****. What is my worth in this life? Where is my joy? Am I doing enough? How can I do more? I just don't even know anymore; the worst part is, I'm starting to not care, I mostly don't care, I think I'm done caring! My heart is just not there!

I hate this house
I hate this town
I am very blessed  to have all I do
But honestly I hate that too.

I keep searching for solidarity, for stability, for something real, no more games. I keep searching for a connection with another human; I can't even do that with my own parents. guess you could say that when I'm looking for something solid I can only find Jello. I want to mean so much to someone. I want to feel like I mean so much to someone, and believe, know, have 0 doubts and not be let down nor disappointed! are my standards too high? I just don't know anymore; I sit in my bedroom and I talk to myself because I feel like I have no one; but I feel like I'm blessed at the same time because I've never had need or want for anything because somehow it always falls in my lap without me even trying. I still feel empty, I still feel alone. I wake up in the morning wanting arms to be around me but alone I role over only to see a brown wooded wall. alone in my empty bed. Alone surrounded by people that I love and that love me but yet I'm still alone. no one to connect with. no one I can call when I have problems.  myself. I can't talk to my kids about it because they don't need my issues. they've got their own issues just with growing up. I remember that age. it's hard. I don't want to put more on them than I have to being; a tough loving momma. I can't talk to my mother because I speak poetically and she doesn't get it, and she doesn't really want to. I don't know why I can't talk to my daddy. I guess I've never really tried. I guess I feel like he's always thought of me as a little princess and I don't want to do any wrong in his eyes. I want to be a perfect princess for him; and I do well, I doa I have a 5 bedroom house, I pay all the bills and keep a roof over my kid's head, I keep them fed, I have a car, I have a driver's license, it's all legal, I have a job. I'm doing the daily things that make me, I guess, an American blooded human being (I ******* hate human beings  that make living here feel like solitude. Andy  my relationships,  that I it's a joke. I'm bound to be alone forever. not that I need a man. I just want one. I Miss having arms around me. I miss having that person you tell everything to. I miss everything about having that one person that you connect with, that one person that makes you feel whole and not so alone this world because it is huge. when you're you're living it alone, doing everything on your own, you get tired; and I'm so tired. I'm so tired. I'm beginning to look at things around me and say, "what's the point? What actually am I doing here? what kind of impact am I making here?" And I don't see it. I love and I know I'm loved, but I also know I have no one; I want to say my girls but they'd rather play with their friends. I get it I did at that age too. I know one day /I hope one day that they'll become closer to me than I am with my mom. I want to be their everything.  I always feel like I'm never doing enough.  they make me feel like I'm not doing enough. I wish you could teach them gratitude. I wish I knew how to teach them gratitude. I wish I was a better human!