I hate this house
I hate this town
I am very blessed  to have all I do
But honestly I hate that too.

I keep searching for solidarity, for stability, for something real, no more games. I keep searching for a connection with another human; I can't even do that with my own parents. guess you could say that when I'm looking for something solid I can only find Jello. I want to mean so much to someone. I want to feel like I mean so much to someone, and believe, know, have 0 doubts and not be let down nor disappointed! are my standards too high? I just don't know anymore; I sit in my bedroom and I talk to myself because I feel like I have no one; but I feel like I'm blessed at the same time because I've never had need or want for anything because somehow it always falls in my lap without me even trying. I still feel empty, I still feel alone. I wake up in the morning wanting arms to be around me but alone I role over only to see a brown wooded wall. alone in my empty bed. Alone surrounded by people that I love and that love me but yet I'm still alone. no one to connect with. no one I can call when I have problems.  myself. I can't talk to my kids about it because they don't need my issues. they've got their own issues just with growing up. I remember that age. it's hard. I don't want to put more on them than I have to being; a tough loving momma. I can't talk to my mother because I speak poetically and she doesn't get it, and she doesn't really want to. I don't know why I can't talk to my daddy. I guess I've never really tried. I guess I feel like he's always thought of me as a little princess and I don't want to do any wrong in his eyes. I want to be a perfect princess for him; and I do well, I doa I have a 5 bedroom house, I pay all the bills and keep a roof over my kid's head, I keep them fed, I have a car, I have a driver's license, it's all legal, I have a job. I'm doing the daily things that make me, I guess, an American blooded human being (I ******* hate human beings  that make living here feel like solitude. Andy  my relationships,  that I it's a joke. I'm bound to be alone forever. not that I need a man. I just want one. I Miss having arms around me. I miss having that person you tell everything to. I miss everything about having that one person that you connect with, that one person that makes you feel whole and not so alone this world because it is huge. when you're you're living it alone, doing everything on your own, you get tired; and I'm so tired. I'm so tired. I'm beginning to look at things around me and say, "what's the point? What actually am I doing here? what kind of impact am I making here?" And I don't see it. I love and I know I'm loved, but I also know I have no one; I want to say my girls but they'd rather play with their friends. I get it I did at that age too. I know one day /I hope one day that they'll become closer to me than I am with my mom. I want to be their everything.  I always feel like I'm never doing enough.  they make me feel like I'm not doing enough. I wish you could teach them gratitude. I wish I knew how to teach them gratitude. I wish I was a better human!