I wear concealer to hide the dark bags under my eyes
To make them seem less dangerous
To hide the imperfections I find in myself
The flaws I want to break
There's more to it than beauty

I need something to hate myself for
But the truth is
I already have so much that I hate
About myself and what I've done
It's so easy
To make mistakes in this world
And after every mistake and lie
I feel myself begin to crack
Because
Of everything I hate
I will punish my mistakes with hate
For myself and only me
No one deserves the hate I have
For myself

Thoughts of that
Moment
Circle the drain
What happened
Didn't need to
Could've been misplaced
Amongst others
But
What would it be like
Without the
Memory
Pain
Agony
Would it have been better
Or would I have ended up this way
Anyway

You break me like a toothpick
And hide all your insecurities away
But I can see them
When your eyes water
And teeth chatter from the cold
You control everything
Including me
But what you don't know
Is I wish you could just see me
As a person
And stop compartmentalizing

Depression is like quick sand
You don't know you've walked right into it
Until you start sinking
And you can't get out

You feel so wrong for me
But I can't stop my heart from making my decisions for me

You should probably break my heart
So I know what it feels like
Maybe I'll be prepared for the day that it shatters
I deserve the pain
For all the pain I've given others
I guess I forgot I had a heart
For awhile anyway
But I found it
In the process hurting two
I do deserve whatever comes my way
Especially the cold from you
And my feelings that rush in toward
My chest
That I need to expend

Dark ghosts under
Deep wild eyes
Make me wonder what you do at night
Instead of sleep
Crazy smiles tug on the lips I once loved too thoroughly
The jaw I once memorized shadowed with unhygienic ways
Where have you been?
You say you're no good anymore
The world ****** you up
And this is what crawled out of the abyss
Searching for light to live in

I was willing to do anything for you
I wanted to love you more than
The moon loves the sun
I would've broke my heart a thousand times just to see you smile
I could've held your hand forever
I was meant for you
But you
Weren't meant for me
You wouldn't let yourself
Fall again
While I was throwing myself off cliffs for you

I didn't know I would need someone else's heart
So that mine didn't feel so alone
With my heart beat matching another's
A beautiful resonance  
I didn't know I would need the heat
That someone else produced
I used to have so much of my own
Now I just feel cold
And alone

Your eyes tell me far more than your mouth ever could
You care and love  
Deeper than you say you can
You push me away to keep yourself sane
But what am I if I'm not crazy?
Everyone is
So why try and fight it
Let me in
This brick wall can't hide you forever

Two ordinary pieces
Fixed perfectly together
Steadfast in love
Bound for a lifetime
Just two

I love it out here
In the middle of grasslands and
Old houses built on farms
The sky's the limit out here
The air is pure and just right
Giving me crazy ideas about flying and living too
Everything is clear
You may pass 2 cars on the way into town
Dilapidated houses and barns
Scattered all about
They may not be habitable
But they still look homely to me
I'd take this over the smog
And smoke of the cities
That make you choke
Over the people tons and thousands of them
That riddle you with claustrophobia And pretenses with hidden intentions
I'd take the quiet loneliness over the inability to sleep due to noise inflictions
Every. Single. Day. I would choose this breathtaking place

We treat this school like a playground
Because the teachers treat us like ignorant children
We try to run away
But get caught every time
It gets boring and difficult
I feel as if I am an elementary student
The only difference is
We don't have nap time

You're too skinny
I can't help you
You don't understand your own name
I do nothing
You're cramped and confused
I try
You look as fragile as a butterfly's wing
What can I do?
You can't hear the questions I ask
I talk louder
You limp when you walk
I wish I could save you
You don't want to eat
I know you're breaking
You can't leave me
I don't know how I'll go on without you
You bring tears to my eyes
I can't help you
The light in your eyes has been fading for moths now
I've been too worried about myself to notice
You're old but you're mine
I can't breathe
You leave, silently retreating into the night
I hear one final breath
One final heartbeat
I don't know what feeling is
I'm numb
You're beyond fixable
I crack under the weight of losing you
And shatter all across floor
Only pieces you could pick up
I may never be fixed

Bad luck
What did I do
Did I break a mirror or maybe two
Did I step on a few too many cracks
Could it be something worse
Maybe I tricked fate and won
In a battle I didn't know was real

I don't understad why this is all
Happening to me
Break a leg they said
They also said I may have taken that
Too seriously

Being with you is like
Chasing tornados
It's a miracle when I find you
The chase is the exciting part
I get too close and you pull me in
But it's when you've caught me
I truly realize the mistake I've made

Pushed to a breaking point
Everyone has one
I just never thought I would find mine
My breaking point
Held promises that would mislead me
Hurt far more than anything expected
Pain
Time
Pain
Longer waits
Hesitation
Broken promises that got me nowhere but behind
Battles wage until it ends
The end is close yet far
Unreachable but able to be tasted

The color of the sky at 6:22 am
Reminds me of drowning
In the depths of your eyes
While reviving at the sound of your voice

-I can't live right now
Lips moving fast
Words I can't hear
-I think death might be near
Scrambled thoughts
Breaking bones
-Why don't you try it?
Everything fades
You start to pace
-Overdose on feeling
I might stop
Take me away
-Soliloquie ahead
Danger danger
We tape what has ripped

You used me and you know it
What are you doing about it
Ignoring me
The only person who's tried to care about you in some time
You muffle what I say
So you don't have to feel guilty anymore
I silently hope you still do

It's perfectly okay
To
feel out of place
To
Want to change yourself
To
Feel alone
And be misjudged
To
Get your heart broken
And break someone else's
To
Have bad luck sometimes
But please don't
Act upon these feelings
In terrible way
Don't hurt yourself
Don't throw yourself away
And make mistakes you could've avoided
Always know someone cares
Even if you're sure that no one does

I just want you to know that
I mean what I say
When I say that
I'm hurting
I don't want your attention
Or your fake empathy
I just want someone to care
Like you used to
Someone just needs to know
That I'm in pain
24/7 and it gets worse
When I'm around you

The first cut shallow and pained
Slicing the skin on my wrist in two
Deep red emerges in a thin line
The next cut, deeper with more emotion
The tears that started two hours before
Continue to ebb and flow
Leaving tracks of mascara smearing as I wipe the stain away
The next cut breaks deeper
The skin on my back and arms raise as gooseflesh
Maybe a moan maybe a cry seeps from my teeth
A hot trickle of blood rains from the cut
Pouring down into the empty hole of the sink
A sting of water wakes me from the trance as I stare at the razor which blemished my skin

I keep telling myself, one more, one more, one more...
And walking away from the bathroom and the blood
To find myself wandering in again to clutch the razor and bring it to my skin

Breathing hot air on my skin
Sweat droplets race
Tangling legs splay across the white sheets
Searching hands grab for a hold
Nails sink into raised skin
Keeping your attention on where it needs to be
Eyelids flutter with in the intensity of a fleeting moment
Blushed faces and chests rising and falling chaotically

Body weight looming over me
Your eyes searching mine
And I know you burn for me

I am clay
Molded by many hands
Into many shapes
Each person shapes me differently
They don't know what exactly they're doing to me
They think I am the one molding
But I cannot mold myself any longer
You have that power over me
The way you round my edges
And crease my face
That's how you do it
Sometimes I wish you all knew
What exactly was happening
But then I wonder
Would you care enough to stop
Or would you continue
Because you need me
You need to mold someone with your bare hands
To feel superior to something
Even if it kills me
I don't know
Maybe I don't mind anymore
I'm not me anymore
I'm here for you

Insincere apologies
Halfhearted I love you's
What has happened to us?
Who knew this love would die out so quickly
Without our permission we withdrew from that love

So quickly fall turned to winter
And spring to summer
It all happened so quickly
How could a year pass?
A year and you still reign in my mind, relentless

All the soap in the world couldn't wash your fingerprints from my skin

Electricity cackles in my veins
Sings through my ears
To make everything clear and new
Breaking boundaries
I never realized I put up
Slashing cords I used to use to pull myself together
My strings that connected me to the world
Like I was the puppet and fate the puppeteer
The blasting feeling still pumping around my blood stream
Splitting my skin
Opening the box I called my body
Awakening someone I don't know
But will soon

I see you walking toward me
As I'm walking toward you
You lift your head a little higher
When you notice me
10 feet
I wriggle in my skin
5 feet
As you dip your head in my direction
2 feet
And ask how I'm doing
I stutter step to the beat of my heart
And tell you I'm good
We are passed one another now
And I can't help but look back
At the first, but could be only, time
I've ever seen you
I wonder if I'll meet you again one day
And I realize how hot my cheeks are

He wasn't used to this type of person
She was ****** and unamused
Always catching him at his lowest to bring him high again
Throughout it all he knew
He would fall in love but he couldn't keep her

When I feel hopeless I look at you.
You break the void I create everyday.

Keep me safe, here, in your arms
Kiss my head and hold me tight.

The blood in my veins feels hot.
My heart beat drowns out everything but the image of your face.

I accept you for who you are and
I need you for the sake of sanity.

Everything gets blurry
Through teary eyes
Emotions spilling over
Wet and black smearing
On a sweater sleeve
Red eyes shinning in the low light
Looking in them is a mistake
They lead you to sad places
Hospital rooms and X-ray machines
Foolish children in hallways
Rumors in every corner
Bickering parents behind
Closed doors
Muffled screams into pillows
Ever haunting gymnasium in
Every dream
These places that follow her
That shatter her heart
And break her soul
That mold her into who she is now

I easily pushed you aside
I never actually got attached
I'm sorry
It's who I am inside
That screws me up the most
Kissing with no emotions
Stable ground I walk on
Where you tiptoe on the edge
I admire who you have morphed into
But I would never wish you
Upon myself
It's too risky
Entertaining feelings that could and will break you apart
I will step aside
And allow myself the simple pleasure
But never fully touching someone else
Wholeheartedly I push myself with inanimate objects that could only hurt me with my permission
People are too dangerous
Recognizing this error
I am comfortable how I am
My heart always on the back burner
Never the decision maker
I only trust of this my brain

My innocence is nowhere to be found
Lost in a sea of raging emotions
Tears, hate, confusion
Bitter I have become
Testing with my tongue to see if situations are safe
Where I used to barge in and not give a ****

Coming home to an empty house
Waking up to cold sheets and
A lonely life the one that I live
Continually I am alone

What is the price of love when
All you get is ***
You think it's right and worth it
And that you love them
But it's not right
He's not the one
Neither is she
Why do we 'make love'
When the love should already be there
We call it this in hopes of connecting love and ***
But love is not that, it is made over years not minutes

After the love  
I held with different hands
Kissed with unknown lips
I tasted the difference on my tongue
Disgustingly sweet torture I endured for you

Catch me in your arms
When I stumble and fall
I need your safe arms
Wrapped around me
But don't let me go
You can't because if you do
I could break into millions of shards
You keep me together
Just don't leave

I never knew that this was a bone until you got skinny enough for me to see it
You're a skeleton with a layer of skin
How many ribs do you have?
I could count them
And your vertebrae...
I could count those too
Your skin hangs from your body
Trying to leave while you're still alive
You drag yourself around
On your ****
Hoping no one sees
How are you still alive?
When I can't see your heart beat
But I can see all the rest of your insides
Squirming to get free

There's nothing I can do
But drown in this feeling
All for you
Crying and spinning
Laughing and dying
You deserve to live
Just as much as I deserve
To not live
I wish it was me
6ft underground
While you lie crying
But I will never see you again
And I didn't get the chance to say
Goodbye

If only you loved me for who I am
If only you needed me for how I make you happy and comfortable
If only you wanted me for me
If only I had you as mine
If only life was fair to me and you
If only I could hold your hand
If only you wanted to hold mine too

So many beautiful stars in the sky tonight
But none of them mean a **** thing
Cause you aren't here with me

It's 12:08
I'm still awake
Thinking and thinking
Making me brave
Not brave enough, I don't think
To tell
My
Secret

You shock me
With your caring demeanor
That no one has any more
You clear everything
In my eyes when I look at you
The fog goes away and I rememeber
Everything I need too when I'm with you
You take everything
That doesn't make sense
So you can figure it out and share
To make sure I know it too
Your crazy vocabulary
Is what I live for
You and I
We need each other
More than anyone realizes

Your madness works at me
Takes me apart
Deciphers my biggest secrets
I don't interfere
You understand me for a strange reason
I like it
It's been awhile since I've
Appreciated someone like you
You fuel me
As you put me back together
Don't walk away
You can't go