Looking out my window on this cold and dark day, I find myself drifting and some how floating away. Mind over matter, matter over time, time over reason, and all without rhyme. Wanting to go forward but always falling back, wanting to prosper but head- over-heels in lack. Looking for a brighter day, hoping for some sun, no-beaches in view... No, not one. Looking out my window, speechlessly screaming out-I'm falling deeper into this.. Can't see my way out. Help me, in my mind... I don't wont to do this, no-one can hear, I'm yelling thru the mist. I'm so tired, I've done my best, I've given my all and I find no-rest. No, peace within these walls, these walls that are my skin; these walls that are so cold; keeping others out and trapping me in. I'm reaching out, reaching up, but falling in, into a maze that hates me from within. I can't seem to find myself, tired of hoping that someone else will find me too; so this is the logical thing to do. No-one, will miss me, no-one will care, I wonder if, anyone will even notice that, I'm no-longer here. I feel so cold so cold and weak, I'm falling now into a deep-deep sleep. Where will I wake? I just don't know-where do all the broken vessels go? The Question!

I think about you daily on many levels. I smile sometimes when I remember your smile or the crazy sound, you would make when laughing. I remember hanging- out in the summer time, spending the night over your house or mine. Telling jokes, playing games, and laughing so hard we'd cry; even- though it wasn't always funny.. It was funny to you and I. I think about you daily... Sometime I wonder why, a light so bright and beautiful-had to go and die. You where the most giving person that- I ever knew. Always helping others even those who would hurt you. Your-Smile, was like the sun on a cloudy day, so warm and loving.. Just like you in every way. I watched you go from 226 pounds of muscles hard as stones, to 95 pounds of ashy, skin and bones. I saw the pain you tried to hide, behind your brilliant smile... Cloaked, in laughter ever groan with the faith of a new born child. Even, when your light was dwindling, to others you would still give hope.. We are young you would say" No-Need to frown or mope. You never changed, never let it get you down; continued to live, give, and spread love all around.. You! Wonderful-You! I think about you daily and every thought, seems to make me smile; You were my best friend... Crazy, Loving, Brilliant, and Wild. I celebrate you my friend... Your light will always shine, in the lives of so many others and in this heart of mine. Yes! Your light will always shine. I Think About You .

When you spoke
It was like jazz
Deep and pure
Sweet yet simple
Flowing from endless melody
Oh how you raptured me
In just one word...hello
You melted me
Ohh like honey butter
To you I flow
Speak again
My jazz melody

When we met
It was December
Do you remember the music we made
You were as smooth as the blues
An up beat tempo
On my sullen days
The wind blew us into another phase
You spoke the word goodbye
Slow jazz whispered through my ears
Calming down my river of tears
For you I flow
Come again
Help me grow

Hello...goodbye
Sweet whispers
In a jazz melody
You so deep
In me
I'm so true to you
But your goodbye
Makes my brown eyes blue
I'll be blues to you
Down beat slow melody
Strings like bass
Drumming the tears
Streaming down my face
I'll be blues for you
You be jazz to me
Why can't we make a melody?

Make a rhythm so soft
Only the beat knows were we fell off
How your voice spoke to mine
Once in perfect harmony
Our pitch was different this time
Never forget the music we made
For you I flow
It took you leaving me
Me loving you
To help us grow.

Feeling like a queen in drag
Longest night
Ever had
Like being late for the ball
Standing alone against the wall
Seeming big but feeling small
Fading to black
Confused and shattered
I know I'm better than that
Pass the *****
Give me gin
I'm ready
I'm at the door
Now let me in
I feel like a drag queen
Late for the ball
Wondering how I got here
And about to give my all
Ignoring what you heard
Ignoring what you see
You wanted the best
They sent you me
Feeling like a queen in drag
About to give all...
You never had
When it's all over
Your high on my essence
I'll smile and give you kisses
As I cry in my admission
Wondering why I keep giving over
To submission
No need to cry
No words to say
I wonder sometimes
How I got this way...
Feeling like a queen in drag

Come in
Yes I know it's raining
Why do you ask
Are you really complaining
I let you kiss me
I let you feel
I never told you
'It was real
You say I tricked you
Gave you a disease
I'm so sorry
You bought it...please
Goodnight
Lock the door on your way out
That's right
And leave your key
This is the last time
You pay and say it's free

Red rose pedals, lying on a bed of 100% Egyptian cotton; as we touch all hurts and pains are forgotten: on 100% Egyptian cotton.
The sun rises...between your thighs; I'm completely mesmerized.
I open up my wings to you...all the forbidden things we do.
Suspended animation as we fuse into one, My universe raptures your sun...on 100% Egyptian cotton.
Red roses pedals an all is forgotten...like honey to the bee, nectar so sweet; The juice of lust has become our treat.
I open up my mind to this, I've tasted the forbidden fruit, on 100% Egyptian cotton...where all time is forgotten...
Red rose pedals dripping with sweat and the sweet taste of passion.
Dripping like morning dew, as I fuse my likeness inside of you.
You drink from the well-wine so sweet...I pull from your treasures; delightful treats.
Strong yet tender, hard yet soft, wet and dry; My wings are open and we fly.
Up and down, in and out, around the sun, beneath the moon, together as one; We come not soon.
Emerged together, like rain in June...on 100% Egyptian cotton, with red rose pedals, where all time is forgotten.
I lost my love.
I found my passion.
I lost my pureness it erupted in your ashes...resurrected from the grave.
Your love drew me and made me slave, I yield to this sin...
Got my passion and lost my friend on 100% Egyptian cotton red roses where all is forgotten.

And so, I self medicate, To forget this so called life that I hate,
Just to escape for a moment in time, this life that's rightly mine.
In order to find some peace-of-mind...and get lost in time, to find myself;
What little is left, beyond the one behind the shelf.
I don't give a ****. What you say-- 'Cause you don't know my life that way,
Don't even shake or fake like a tree, nor pretend that you understand me.
Hell-yeah' I self medicate, helps me appreciate...this crazy life of mine,
The one you could not find, when you tried to beat me down.
Took my body made me frown, tried to choke-life out of me,
**** me {repeatedly} abused, misused, {served me up like hell}; now,
I'm bound because you fell.
Bound to the past, pain, and abuse
Bound to you, you poor excuse,
Bound too all those, you made me serve,
My father, my ****, you useless perv.
Yeah!!! I self medicate, helps me to love all that I hate,
Helps me to feel all I cant find,
Like hope, dreams, peace-of-mind,
Helps me recover all that you took,
Like pride, self esteem, love, and even joy;
You left me broken...like a funky little toy.
So, I self medicate, just to escape the pain,
Rise above the guilt and shame,
Rewrite my life and be whole again.
I don't give a ****!! What you think about me, I self medicate for just a moment-to be free
I self medicate, to be...The person that I was meant to be.

Can you believe, what Jack said to Steve!
I'm weak for your kisses,
I yearn for your touch,
I melt in your presence
I'm open to your flame,
Receive me, Receive me
Do you believe, what Jack said to Steve!!
I'm water, for your thirst,
I'm shelter from the rain,
I'll be fire, to keep you warm,
Like your skin, I will cloth you,
Receive me, Receive me
Like a candle let me melt deep inside you,
Like a storm let me move within your secret place,
Like a gentle breeze let me taste your fruit of passion,
Like 69 lets unwind in an oral fashion,
Relieve me, Relieve me
Oh! Can you believe what Jack said to Steve!!!!

They took my brother in the middle of the night, said that he looked at a girl that was white.
They took my brother and beat him so, until his eyes popped out into the ground,
His flesh was open, bruised, battered, and torn; and blood ran freely in a space all around, but in all of this he wouldn't make a sound.
They took my brother an cut his ***** off and to degrade him, they stuck it in his mouth.
They took my brother and hung him to a tree, then they set him on fire...right in front of me.
They took my brother, he was so sweet, gentle, and kind; he was so beautiful to look upon and oh...what a brilliant mind.
They took my brother and no-one said a word, and because he loved us so...not a sound from him was heard.
They took my brother 'cause he stood for what was right, and said no to a girl...that was white.

They Took

Like a river I flow to you
Like a seed, in good ground I grow for you.
Like a candle, I burn for you;
With all that is within me, I yearn for you.
For your lips as smooth as butter, your kiss that's like none other,
For your touch that takes my breath away;
Your breast, your thighs, your ebony prize.
Like water, I'm weak for you,
Like a mountain, I'll peak for you,
Like sun to moon,
Like thunder to rain.
You complete me, you free me,
You live inside me, You are my expression;
For you I'll be possession.
Like a river, I flow

Lost my family, Lost all my friends
For my lover, For my lover
Lost my job, Lost my house
For my lover, For my lover
Lost my car , Lost  my truck
For my lover, For my lover,
Lost my clothes, Lost my watch
For my lover, For my lover
Lost my dog, Lost my cat
For my lover, For my lover
Lost my children, Lost my man
For my lover, For my lover
Four days in the rain
For my lover, For my lover
Went to jail and back again
For my lover, For my lover
Then she left me all alone, said she had to go back home
To her lover, to her lover

Thinking back, To when I was the light that brightened your way,
Thinking back, To when you hung-onto every word that I would say.
Thinking back, To the times you would run to me, Just because.
Thinking back, To how you stood with me on every 'cause,
Thinking back, On the love we use to share,
Thinking back, On the time when we use to care.
Thinking back, On the way you made me smile
Thinking back, On how you use to drive me wild.
Thinking back, On the way you use to touch my soul,
Thinking back to  a time, that I really thought, that you made me whole.
Thinking back, On how you use to make me feel,
Thinking back, On a life that now- doesn't seem real.
Thinking back, I'll do no-more...There's nothing left worth thinking back for.
Thinking back has made me free, 'Cause me to except what had to be,
Thinking back now I can move-on, Love again, Live again, Because I'm strong.
Thinking back we both played a part, but love was not enough to keep us from falling apart.
Thinking back, Yes! My last time, must move-on to a new rhythm; must find a new rhyme.
Thinking back my heart is clear and forever I'm sure that you'll be near,
Thinking back, we both are free and forever; friends we will always be.
Thinking Back

I said, Lets talk, but you wouldn't hear; Instead you walked,
Walked away without saying a word, but your actions- Be sure that I heard.
You say, I'm ready now... but thing is--I just don't know how,
Never learned, to converse...only yell, scream, and curse.
Never learned, not to lie...but say whatever to survive
Never learned, To depend on another; Be it friend, lover, or brother.
Let's talk, you said to me-got my attention; speak-be-free.
Now it's me, With no words to say, 'Cause no one has ever come to me this way.
You see, I never learned how to converse, Only listen while they would yell, scream, and curse.
Never learned, how to lie...stand on the truth and never cry.
Never learned, how not to depend on my brother, lover, or friend.
So we converse, our flow is real-for better or worse.
We converse, like never before; have we opened a forbidden door?
A door that leads to truth, a door that may expose our youth,
You tell, your secrets and I tell mine...as we converse about old times.
I see the tears as they fill your eyes, I see the hurt that you have tried to hide.
You can feel the pain, that I thought was only mine, as we converse...we realize, that there's no-need to compromise.
I'm here for you and I understand you pain, your down for me and in truth we maintain.
Let's talk, for-better-or-for-worse, we must learn...to converse

Why should I cry, when it was you that caused the pain,
Why should I believe, when you've lied to me over and over again?
Why should I pretend, that it won't happen again?
Why should I believe, that you love me or that your my friend?
Why do I continue to hide what you do?
{I mean the make-up-the dark shades-and the long sleeves too}.
One day I'll tell it , One day you'll see; One day I'll be strong enough to stand-up for me.
Didn't think that they would find out, Thought I hid it well.
Funny how, that from the grave...My story I did tell.
Told you, That I would fight back, said "That I would be strong enough for me".
Why did I have to die, In-order to be free?
Why??

Day 1-
When I woke up yesterday, I realized that it was today, and the vision
I had for my future had faded away; so I yelled to myself
All the things I couldn't say. 'Cause my I wasn't me, and my me walked away.
Myself stood alone in this large empty room, Wanting someone to hold but my- I was just too cold; so the me said to I: "Can I hold you?" And my I realized myself is fine, so I touched myself.
Me stood alone ashamed and in pain then I turned to me and kissed me again, and we stood me, myself and I.

Day 2-
Staring out the window, I find myself needing comfort, so I looked to myself; I mean who knows me better than me? My likes, dislikes, my joys, {you know the things that make me happy} and of course I know what brings me sorrow. {like the day you walked out the door, left me not only with a broken heart, but with eyes filled with tears}. I looked to myself for answers and comfort from the rain, for everything I needed...I found in myself again.