There's still a war inside of my mind,
and it just won't subside.

12 am and we weren't asleep,
He and I drunk as can be.
We stepped out for a smoke
and our lungs got heavy.
The world was at peace,
I was happy.

I kissed all of my friends.
Some of them more than once.
Another I had not spoken with in months.
I even kissed the one that use to be mine.

He left and a few of us remained,
me being the only drunk.
I got sad,
things were uneasy.
I almost cried;
I wanted to say goodbye.

I crawled in her bed,
and she put her arm around me.
She said I smelled of stale cigarettes and a few ounces of alcohol,
and I told her I would go.
She hugged me closer
and I dozed off to sleep,
seeing another in my dreams.

Would it be too much to ask for
if I asked just to drop dead?
Would it be selfish for me to say
"I don't want to live anymore?"
Would it be bad if I took a knife to my
throat and ended it all?
Would anyone even be sad
at all?

I'M BEGINNING TO LIKE THE FACT I'M DRAGGING MYSELF INTO ANOTHER BLACK HOLE WITH NEW WAYS OF DESTROYING MYSELF.


I THINK I'M SICK.

It's 5 am and I can't sleep,
because your face is haunting my dreams.

I'm drunk and god, I miss you.

I HATE EVERYTHING I'VE BECOME AND WHAT UPSETS ME IS THERE'S NO WAY I CAN CHANGE IT.

I really hope people don't think that things I say
are a call for help.
I don't need help,
because I'm perfectly fine.
I have a damaged soul,
and I don't think I can repair it.
I think I'll be okay,
I just need some reassurance sometimes.
I'm sad,
and I don't know why.

THE DAYS PASS AND GOD I HATE MYSELF MORE EACH DAY AND I DON'T KNOW WHEN THIS WILL STOP AND I NEVER STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU AND IT'S RUINING ME AND MAN OH MAN I HATE MYSELF EVEN MORE BECAUSE OF YOU.

I wish I could cut myself
without feeling bad afterwards.

I miss those late nights
where we would cuddle all night.
And I mostly just miss you,
**** I miss you.
I'm sad
and you're happy with another.

I wish I had
the **** sway of her hips
and lips that sing ***** words
and ****,
those eyes,
they lust over the man of her dreams.

I just want to be hot and appealing,
is that too much to ask?

I TRY TO COVER UP THE SADNESS WITH CONCERTS AND WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I RUN OUT OF CONCERTS TO GO TO?

SHE'S IN MY ******* BLOOD.

I'M SO ******* SICK OF WRITING ABOUT THE GIRL THAT PUT FLOWERS IN THE DARKEST PARTS OF ME.

WHEN I HEARD ABOUT HIM MY STOMACH DROPPED AND MY TEARS STARTED TO FLOW AND I CLENCHED MY STOMACH AND REALIZED THAT LAST YEAR THAT COULD'VE BEEN ME.

April21April21April21April21*
You remember, Sky,
the day you wanted to **** yourself?

YOU SAY YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH THIS GUY BUT ALL HE WANTS IS HIS HANDS ALL OVER YOUR BODY YOU SAID IT YOURSELF AND ALL I CAN THINK OF IS ME WAITING FOR YOU AND YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO COME AROUND.

IM TRYING TO SLEEP BUT ALL I CAN THINK OF IS THAT TIME YOU SAID "I LOVE YOU" AND I GOT TINGLES IN MY FINGERTIPS AND A POUNDING IN MY CHEST BUT NOW THAT TINGLE IS GONE AND THAT POUNDING IS NO MORE.

Why do I try to stay in touch,
when it hurts me to know
you're in love with
someone else?

I haven't met you,
yet I feel as if though
I have touched your heart
in ways
no one else has.

I'm so tired of thinking of the girl
who doesn't give two thoughts
about me.

There's a burning in my chest,
and it doesn't seem to fade.
This sense of loss and confusion,
it damages my brain.
My soul yearns for the path,
but nothing seems to appear.
I remember when I didn't feel like this.
Oh God,
how I wish it would disappear.

And what if you did love me?
What would you think about those random texts
where I simply say, I love you?
Or when I hug you for a few minutes?
Or when I say I would date you?

It's funny because I always say,
"I'm just playing around"
or
"I don't love you like that."

Do you ever know that I'm kidding when I say those things?

Maybe you know there's truth to my words,
and you just don't say anything.

What if you did love me though?
What if your words meant exactly what I say?

What if you loved me?

I've been thinking a lot about death lately.
What happens,
where you go.

I believe that we don't go to a magical place
with a mysterious creator.
We don't go to a place with fire everywhere
with a terrible ruler.

Where we go?
I don't know.

I realized that I will die,
that something will **** me.

I'm going to die.

It really sunk in and I just keep thinking
I'mgoingtodie.I'mgoingtodie.I'mgoingtodie.
I don't know when,
how,
or where the hell I'm going to go,
and it scares me.

I'm scared.

Generations from now,
I will be a pile of bones,
a name that use to be,
a mind that use to think,
a mouth that use to speak.
I will be a story that people will think was a personality.
I will be a poet that no one speaks of,
a song that no one sings,
a picture that will burn.

I will be nothing but bones and a memory.