It's scary
because I am with you and you are with me
yet somehow, it's like we are not together

It seems that
we speak to each other a lot
So why do I feel like
we've never actually talked about anything

And right where we are now
We got lots of touches, skin to skin
Sweaty hands hold each other
like it's the only place where they belong

So why is it that
After your head turns and stops leaning on my shoulder
After your hands let go from wrapping around mine
After your body stands to walk away from me
You bid goodbye without even looking back.

Tell me if we are going somewhere
Tell me to get myself ready
Tell me if we can be happy
or will I be alone again for eternity

This is really hard
There are days when we have something
and days when we are nothing

And I don't want to dive into an ocean
and drown with no one to save me
Because what I'm seeing right now is a sea.
Vast, deep, vague, and scary.
And I'm not even quite sure
If I'm ready to swim about the sea
Or if the sea is ready to have me

And I got lots of questions in my mind
How is it that people get into relationships quickly
When I, I drown in a deep sea of thoughts
and non-stop wonders flood me
Every night I ask myself,
Am I ready to take the risk?

Because to be honest
I'm not a risk-taker girl
every day I act strong
and ever night I fear my own thoughts

Never have I had the courage
Of making dreams a reality
Never have I had the courage
Of keeping your smile on my mind

Because I'm scared
that one day I might treasure that smile
and when that day comes,
that smile is no longer for me anymore

I'm scared
that once I learned how to swim that waters,
the sea I once looked at with wonder
Is not for me to swim anymore

So instead of taking risks and being scared
I'm gonna open my eyes and watch all the good things
and see all the bad things alongside them.
I'm gonna open my hands
To catch all rains of happiness
And finally, accept the frosts of sadness.

I'd like to write about this good news,
This good news that arrived unexpectedly.
It wanted me to embrace it fully however weird and awkward it was.
It wanted to stay and be with me even if it was unconventional.

But the good news is not for me.
For the good news was young and was not ready for the real world.

When people wanted to fly and envied the birds, they didn't grow wings.

Instead, they changed their point of view and built planes.

So now I've decided.

I won't change who I am, but I will change how I do things.

We love the waters
But we were always afraid of diving in

We were scared of
How the water could be so shallow we could get hurt.
When we dive in and our heads
Or hands or knees would bump
Into the cold earth that holds that which we adore
or the concrete that contains the water we thought was endless.

We were scared of
How the water could be so deep we could drown
When we know how to swim
But forgot everytime to hold our heads up high
Breathe and relax
Because these waters are not trying to suffocate us
Nor drown us
But our thoughts have already assumed the worst of these waters.

But when I asked you
(...)

Bec every time someone's selfie is in my feed
And I see how beautiful his/her smile is
I find myself trying to mimic that radiant smile
And wonder every single time
How come I couldn't do so anymore.

Love was not shaped like a heart but a question mark
Too many wonders, Too many questions
I knew love was open-minded, love was optimistic
I knew love inside and out
But love remained a question mark, unsure of the love, love found with me.

Love changed
Love silently became an exclamation point
Love had clouded thoughts, twisted feelings
Love felt happiness, sadness, madness
But beneath all of those, love gave out silent cries - I have never heard.

Love, then again, changed
Love took on a shape of a comma
Love became afraid of ending the sentence, ending us
Love made us complex, made us complicated
Love had a lot of pauses in between the non-stop wishing and non-stop desires
Love hated itself

Love wanted to change
And he did
Love finally became a period
Because commas were suffocating and periods end suffocation
But love, love did not just end the sentence, nor the paragraph, nor the story
Love ended us

But here I am, standing in front of Love again
Staring at the Love who's oh so different again
Love was not just one dot but three
Love became an ellipsis
Love wished for more of our story
Love hopes to continue us
Love started wondering about the possibility of having us again
Love wanted us again
Love is slowly turning back into a question mark again.