it feels like years
but it was just
hours ago
when I finally let the flame
burning in the pit
of my soul
free for the first time
for all to see
and I screamed
for the first time
for all to hear

smoke billowed from my mouth
and as they
looked in and saw
my throat all scars and burns
they were horrified
and shocked
at how bad
I had let it get

they tried to put it out
but they couldn’t know
that it had been put out
for a long while now
that the black clouds were all a shadow
of what had once been an all-consuming fire
that burned silently behind my eyes
charring everything that passed through
them before I could ever even know
if it was beautiful or not

but this could have all happened
to someone else with the same burnings
that go unnoticed, unfelt by most
because that’s how I remember it
the man talking on the telephone
was not me
and the world I exposed myself to
was not her

so was the fire revealed?
is it still a pile of ash?
are the embers put out?
am I finally free?

I could not tell you
even if I listened
very, very
closely

My sight was veiled by love
although I saw the truth
I closed my eyes to the signs
just as I always do

I turned a deaf ear
to the warnings they conveyed
not wanting to hear
of all the hearts slayed in your wake

and if they ask me why
I  still chose to pursue
I can only reply
that I saw so much more in you

You don't stop being a child, and become an adult, all at once.
Remember the endless reservoir of energy you had?
It slowly becomes purpose, ambition, goals.
Limited, channelled, tunnelled, controlled.
Optimism leaks away, you learn restraint, you learn to be guarded.
You realise that to be otherwise, leaves you vulnerable,
That others can, and will, hurt you.
It can take decades to learn all these lessons,
You still assume that everyone will act like you, think like you,
You're floored by betrayal, again and again.
If you're lucky, you'll retain some childhood naïveté, some trust,
And circumvent cynicism, which is the death of freedom, and hope.
If it has found you, you must try to travel back to your childlike heart,
Everyone's map is different,
So I cannot show you the way.

I can't picture anyone having a crush on me.
I can't picture someone thinking about me before they fall asleep
I can't picture anyone getting butterflies be cause I said hi to them,
or even just a smiled at them.
I can't picture someone smiling at the computer screen or their cell phone when we're talking.
I mean like...
Why would they even do that?
I'm just me. Nothing extraordinary or special.

i still have
feelings for you
i'm sorry that
i left you
but i had
no choice

i couldn't tolerate
with your behaviour
anymore sigh
you are so selfish
you only think
about yourself

do you know that
i started to self harm
and i cry every night
because of you

you leave me with
no choice but
to leave you

once again
i'm sorry
and i still
love you