It took me seven years
to realise
the words in my mind
were too deep for
my mouth to dig up
I thought it was easier
to open my skin
and let the truth
pour down my arms

It took me seven years
to realise
nobody should be allowed
to touch parts
of your home
or hold pieces  
of your heart
that you don't yet understand

It took me seven years
to realise
I will wear these scars
forever
I'll carry them
through every smile
every kiss
every concerned gaze
I'll carry them
to my grave

It took me seven years
to realise
the pain carved
into the walls
of my castle
etchings of
attempting to disappear
are not a story of weakness
but a tale of
how I survived

may 24, 2017
last suicide attempt
everyone blamed you
it was him
he hurt you
why do you even talk to him still?

you were never the reason
you broke up with me that night
and i snapped
the only thing that kept me happy
left
and i had
zero reason to
live

it was never your fault...

Welp, you'll never guess.
It happened again, yeah you know,
the mind getting overwhelmed thing I do?!
Heh this is what therapists are for you might be thinking…
but sorry i don't work that way.
So today my mind said,
“im sorry ive just been having a bad day, but it doesn't feel like a bad day. It's been this whole year!
This year everything feels harder,
more intense,
more scary,
and yes i'd even go as far as to say that everything is going wrong.
But it's not really everything!
Thats just what i tell myself to make myself feel less pathetic.
But the truth is,
i feel so stupid…
i feel sad over small worthless thing that never made me feel this way before!
I cry because i lost an earring,
i hurt because of a broke an object,
im jealous over stupid things.
But the only reason im feeling these things is because im not doing anything about it,

i think…?

But i don't know why,
or how.
I dont understand if or how i should fix it.
But what am i fixing,
my mind,
my actions,
my feelings?
Is it that simple??"

Have you ever heard a song a couple times and enjoyed it or whatever but then you hear it again and and you think,
“**** this is the best song i've ever heard.”
like you already knew it existed but for some reason
it really hits you that one time.
and you're like wow i wanna hear it again.
so you play it again
and you think you're only gonna play it once more
but then you play it again.
and again.
and again.
you fall in love with the beat.
you fall in love with the rhythm.
you fall in love with the lyrics and everything about it.
you cant get enough of it. it's constantly in your head and all you want is that song.
i think that's what its like to fall in love.
you know about that person for a while but one day something about them catches you off guard.
then you start talking to them which is like hitting play, and you wanna keep talking to them so you do,
which is like putting it on repeat.
then you fall in love with their eyes.
you fall in love with their smile.
you fall in love with their personality.
you fall in love with everything about them.
you cant get enough of them.
they're constantly in your head and all you want is that person.
i think falling in love is like discovering your favorite song, it feels perfect <3 . (even if it’s not for that long)

i can never tell why i’m crying,
cause one second I’m so sad
and then the next
I’m smiling we’ll tears are streaming down my face.
I’ve never cried out of joy
so I think,
but I cry every day.
Some of it has to be out of joy right?
cause I’m sad
and then I’m happy
and I’m sad again
and i want to die so I sleep because it’s like dying but not because i don’t want to, but do and that’s the closest i’ll get